no sex? Then so sleep for you...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So my uBPD fiance decided that last night she wanted to have sex - she got all dressed up in lingerie and did her make-up etc.  When I got home from work she made dinner etc. trying to be very loving etc. - the thing is that I knew thats what she wanted but when we went to bed, I just wasnt interested - I was cuddling with her, kissing her etc. but I just didnt feel like sleeping with her.  This is the day after we got back from a trip away together - a trip to be away because we were meant to be married this past weekend but I postponed the wedding because of her behaviors that I didnt understand at the time (which I now believe were likely signs of BPD).  Anyway, we had sex on friday, saturday and sunday, so not likes its been months or anything.  Anyway, not sleeping with her, Big Mistake. Huge. She kept getting up at night and then going into the other room, then came in waking me up telling me that "I have been sitting out there since 12:47 and you don't even think to come out and see if I am ok - it is 1:53 now."  (Do any of you have experience with this exact time thing?). She says, "sex is important because it makes me feel close to you.  It isnt the sex, it is the intimacy and you don't know how to be initmate." Umm, ok.  She continues, "don't you know how rejected I feel that you don't want to be with me and that you won't chase me."  I understand the rejection bit, but  I just didnt feel like having sex.  Also, I told her that I wasnt going to chase her anymore, to which she responded, "you should chase me, you should be willing to die for me, to do whatever it takes to be by my side."  I told her that I wasn't going to do that.  She called me an a**hole.  Then she remembered that one of the key reasons for postponing the wedding was her swearing at me during fights.  All of a sudden she started apologizing profusely, and started literally begging me to forgive her.  It was now 4:30 in the morning so I told her not to worry about it, that I understood she was just upset and didnt mean it, but that we should just sleep.   This morning she writes to me "I'm ashamed and embarrassed - all ido is keep messing up - It must be so hard to be on the receiving end...it is difficult for me to even explain how I feel sometimes so I can only imagine what u r going through.  I need to believe you when you say you love me so I am asking for your help...please help me, support me, just love me through this process - I beg you from the bottom of my heart."

A few questions/thoughts - how similar does any of this sound?  Would a normal woman react the same way if I wasn't feeling up to having sex, even though she really wanted to? 

I'm questioning some of my past observations because my father spoke to a psychiatrist friend of his and described some of the behaviors I have experienced to him (rage, suicide threat, verbal abuse) and he wasnt convinced it was BPD as he made a distinction between a "sickness" and simply having some BPD like "traits" based on the degree and frequency of behavior.  I am going to speak to him myself and give him the full detail to see if that changes his view.  I know people say not to focus on the diagnosis, but I dont understand that line of thinking.  If I am trying to decided whether to stay or not, isnt it important to know what i am getting into?  Won't it change what "work" needs to be put in?  If it is just bad behavior, but not sick or disordered behavior, then won't the treatment and potential for successful results be different?  Shouldn't I factor that in to my decision to stay or not?

[engaged]

So my uBPD fiance decided that last night she wanted to have sex - she got all dressed up in lingerie and did her make-up etc.  When I got home from work she made dinner etc. trying to be very loving etc. - the thing is that I knew thats what she wanted but when we went to bed, I just wasnt interested - I was cuddling with her, kissing her etc. but I just didnt feel like sleeping with her.  This is the day after we got back from a trip away together - a trip to be away because we were meant to be married this past weekend but I postponed the wedding because of her behaviors that I didnt understand at the time (which I now believe were likely signs of BPD).  Anyway, we had sex on friday, saturday and sunday, so not likes its been months or anything.  Anyway, not sleeping with her, Big Mistake. Huge. She kept getting up at night and then going into the other room, then came in waking me up telling me that "I have been sitting out there since 12:47 and you don't even think to come out and see if I am ok - it is 1:53 now."  (Do any of you have experience with this exact time thing?). She says, "sex is important because it makes me feel close to you.  It isnt the sex, it is the intimacy and you don't know how to be initmate." Umm, ok.  She continues, "don't you know how rejected I feel that you don't want to be with me and that you won't chase me."  I understand the rejection bit, but  I just didnt feel like having sex.  Also, I told her that I wasnt going to chase her anymore, to which she responded, "you should chase me, you should be willing to die for me, to do whatever it takes to be by my side."  I told her that I wasn't going to do that.  She called me an a**hole.  Then she remembered that one of the key reasons for postponing the wedding was her swearing at me during fights.  All of a sudden she started apologizing profusely, and started literally begging me to forgive her.  It was now 4:30 in the morning so I told her not to worry about it, that I understood she was just upset and didnt mean it, but that we should just sleep.   This morning she writes to me "I'm ashamed and embarrassed - all ido is keep messing up - It must be so hard to be on the receiving end...it is difficult for me to even explain how I feel sometimes so I can only imagine what u r going through.  I need to believe you when you say you love me so I am asking for your help...please help me, support me, just love me through this process - I beg you from the bottom of my heart."

A few questions/thoughts - how similar does any of this sound?  Would a normal woman react the same way if I wasn't feeling up to having sex, even though she really wanted to? 

I'm questioning some of my past observations because my father spoke to a psychiatrist friend of his and described some of the behaviors I have experienced to him (rage, suicide threat, verbal abuse) and he wasnt convinced it was BPD as he made a distinction between a "sickness" and simply having some BPD like "traits" based on the degree and frequency of behavior.  I am going to speak to him myself and give him the full detail to see if that changes his view.  I know people say not to focus on the diagnosis, but I dont understand that line of thinking.  If I am trying to decided whether to stay or not, isnt it important to know what i am getting into?  Won't it change what "work" needs to be put in?  If it is just bad behavior, but not sick or disordered behavior, then won't the treatment and potential for successful results be different?  Shouldn't I factor that in to my decision to stay or not?

[modernman]

1)  Libido(s) are tricky.  Given your recent track record, my dBPDw would have realized that getting dressed up and heightening expectations would be bad timing.

2)  Sounds like a control thing and she went for what is primal to most as a control test.  You passed the test.  She freaked.

3)  She also had expectations of being married at this point in time, that is off the table, so in this point in time for her, life might be blurry.

4)  At least she owned it after her remarkable behavior... waiting for you... admonishing you for not chasing her, etc.

I think mine did this a few times in the beginning.  If one of us were tired or not in the mood, we'd joke about rainchecks, etc... and move on.

Don't get caught up in the labels.  Mine is not "full blown" BPD, and is an angel compared to some of the horrific stuff I read on this board.  She has 'traits'... DX'ed with traits and has a bad childhood.  Her traits are just strong enough to be a problem from time to time.  I am glad she at least is starting to accept some of the responsibility and work to change some things.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[FloatOn]

engaged,
While my uBPDex never made that big of a deal when I turned her down for sex to the point where she wouldn't let me sleep, it clearly really bothered her sometimes. I had to turn her down twice in the week or so leading up to our break-up, and she was visibly hurt by it. The thing is, I was sick and wasn't sleeping at all and she knew this, but it was like her brain couldn't process this fact as to why I wasn't in the mood. I know from talking to her and her sister that she thought I didn't think she was "pretty anymore" because I turned her down and didn't chase her. I honestly did stop "chasing her" for the most part in the last 6 months or so that we were together, but it was because when SHE wasn't in the mood she'd shut me down, but then 30 seconds later SHE'D be initiating it. It's hard from to go from getting shut down to being back in the mood within a minute. Writing this out just gave me a  , this sounds awfully controlling doesn't it? It felt like, when we lived together, she wanted the sex all the time but not the intimacy part.

A few questions/thoughts - how similar does any of this sound?  Would a normal woman react the same way if I wasn't feeling up to having sex, even though she really wanted to? 

It sounds similar in the sense mine was bothered when she felt rejected in any way, but she didn't really act out like this in these instances. She'd be visibly hurt and would withdraw. I've never seen nor heard of a "normal" woman acting this way. I could only see it becoming THIS big of a problem if it becomes a pattern and she's going for months without sex.

I'm questioning some of my past observations because my father spoke to a psychiatrist friend of his and described some of the behaviors I have experienced to him (rage, suicide threat, verbal abuse) and he wasnt convinced it was BPD as he made a distinction between a "sickness" and simply having some BPD like "traits" based on the degree and frequency of behavior.  I am going to speak to him myself and give him the full detail to see if that changes his view.  I know people say not to focus on the diagnosis, but I dont understand that line of thinking.  If I am trying to decided whether to stay or not, isnt it important to know what i am getting into?  Won't it change what "work" needs to be put in?  If it is just bad behavior, but not sick or disordered behavior, then won't the treatment and potential for successful results be different?  Shouldn't I factor that in to my decision to stay or not?

I don't agree with this line of thinking either. I know a diagnosis of BPD is "just" a label, but it certainly does give you an idea of what you're dealing with, ya know? I decided to go NC with my ex because of her behavior post-break-up, but I don't know how severe her BP traits are either. On the one hand she rarely raged and her behavior doesn't sound NEARLY as severe as some stories on here. And when she was in therapy at the beginning of our relationship she seemed completely normal. She only had a complete meltdown when she was incredibly stressed. Maybe her BP traits are minor and can be treated with <1 year of therapy? On the other hand, she seemed to "withdraw" instead of rage and I know some BPDs do this. And she did it a lot... anything and everything she felt criticized by. And when she wasn't taking her medication (which, according to her was prescribed for OCD and depression, but it also is known to reduce BPD symptoms) she was clearly not well and her BPD-like behavior was a LOT worse. So, like you, I don't really know what I was dealing with.

The thing that is similar to your story is mine would have the insight to know when she was being abusive. She also said it was often difficult for her to explain how she felt, and felt ashamed for what she was putting me through. In fact, she has told me a few times (though her reasons change sometimes) that she left because she was angry at herself for what she put me through and that I was "so much better than her". And she always apologized for bad behavior. I've heard some people on here say that it is outright impossible for BPs to do this. So maybe it is something else entirely in our cases? It does make you wonder.

[JustSkippy]

I don't know about your last question.  I don't know if it is a better chance of being fixed if the person isn't BPD and just behaves poorly (the behaviors are very likely well ingrained as these people are adults).

My husband is like this.  My libido is no where near his.  If he could have sex 2 or 3 times a day he would.  I have tried to get him to slow to a couple times a week, which often is still more than I want...so I compromise myself greatly when I give in.

The thing for me, sex doesn't make me feel loved or closer.  Maybe in that, I am broken somehow.  I feel violated to be pressured so much.  I'd just like to be relaxed enough that we can go crawl in bed and drift off to sleep without a big circus over the issue every single night.

I am also told I am impersonal, I don't know how to be intimate, I'm this that and the other thing!  I am kept awake more than half the night when I say I don't want to.  

Your question: Would a 'normal' woman flip out if you said you weren't in the mood?  Well, I consider myself fairly normal and I would give you a resounding no on that - I wouldn't flip, I'd just say ok no problem.  It really isn't the end of the world like they make it out to be.  I am not always up for the physical exertion and time.  

Like I said, it doesn't make me feel closer to him at all, so I don't know how to approach that, I guess it works that way for some people, perhaps I'm just too independant to have a relationship - I like my time and to do my thing without having to account for every second of every day.  

My husband does a lot of controlling related to time.  He also expects me to chase after him and coddle him much like your gf wanted you to do.  How in the world do you know she's sitting out there for all that time?  My guess is you fell asleep since it was so late to start with...Then what, you are supposed to lay there in bed staring at the clock counting the minutes when she has a tantrum why again?  

Not ok for anyone to treat you that way...or me...or any of us.

[havana]

I have been sitting out there since 12:47 and you don't even think to come out and see if I am ok -

I've had this sort of thing happen many times. I guess everytime they are out of site we should assume something horrible happened. It's just a test. Like everything else they do. Life is a constant test.


Let me know when you change your name from "engaged" to "heading for the hills"

[fighting to survive]

I have had this exact same thing happen to me many times.

Sometimes in the same night then i would say ok, lm ready now... And she would acuse me of treating her like a sex object and i dont know how to be intimate with her other than thru sex... this after she said the exact same things that you wrote...almost verbatim.

The only difference is we're married...

Try confronting any of it and its useless... most of the time my wife denys saying the things that she said.

Just remember you aren't crazy as hard as it is sometimes.

I would also recommend some serious counseling before getting married if you are worried now.  The sex *could* be a manipulation tactic even if unconscious to get you to reconsider the wedding...  just my two cents from ALOT of experience with this typa stuff

[BPDBAM]

Mine just loves to sleep

[Gary+3]

Like most other things I "gotta" do is have sex to make her "feel" loved on her time and schedules. 
Always a one way street as far as intimacy and care is concerned.

My question is this... Is this different than anything else they do?  "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME..." you get the idea.
Not in my experience.
Gary+3

[Had enough!]

She's probably ovulating and hoping to get pregnant...be CAREFUL!

HE

[Lucky Jim]

Engaged, This sounds familiar.  My uBPDw has what you might call these "rescue fantasies" in which I prove my love by chasing her to the ends of the earth on a white horse, but the reality is that I have no interest in participating in these types of dramatic scenarios.  My spouse used to try various ploys to draw me into her dramas (suicide threats, serious illnesses, family crises), but you can only cry "wolf" so many times.

My uBPDw is extremely insecure and takes it as a personal affront if I reject her romantic advances.  Sometimes, as you describe, I just don't feel like it and I tell her that, which is really hard for her to accept without feeling rejected.  I try to validate her feelings and reinforce the idea that it's better for me to be honest when I don't feel like having sex.  Sometimes it works; sometimes, not. 

Hang in there, Ukeplayer

[schwing]

Hi engaged,

This is the day after we got back from a trip away together - a trip to be away because we were meant to be married this past weekend but I postponed the wedding because of her behaviors that I didnt understand at the time (which I now believe were likely signs of BPD).  Anyway, we had sex on friday, saturday and sunday, so not likes its been months or anything.  Anyway, not sleeping with her, Big Mistake. Huge.

She got upset because the trip you took together was supposed to reinforce your attachment to her.  But she perceived your unwillingness to have sex with her as a limit on that attachment.  This might be an instance of fear of IMAGINED abandonment.

She kept getting up at night and then going into the other room, then came in waking me up telling me that "I have been sitting out there since 12:47 and you don't even think to come out and see if I am ok - it is 1:53 now."  (Do any of you have experience with this exact time thing?). 

This might explain why, instead of just accepting that you were not feeling quite up for the activity, and instead of realizing that you two have been physically intimate all weekend, she just got more and more insecure. 

Again, the complicated dynamic with someone with BPD traits is that if you get too close (too intimate for them) you will trigger their fear of abandonment as was happening when your wedding day was approaching.  But also, if you stray too far, such as by refusing them when they want sex and are feeling insecure about the relationship, you will again trigger their fear of abandonment.  She may not tell you, but she probably equates your refusal as a indication that you might be attached to some other woman (ie, imagined abandonment).

She says, "sex is important because it makes me feel close to you.  It isnt the sex, it is the intimacy and you don't know how to be initmate."

Sounds like projection. 

This might, however, be an opportunity to discuss with her what she truly considers to be "intimate" in nature.  If you can have such a discussion on this subject with her, it might prove illuminating.  As an aside, have you ever talked to her about any of her previous relationships?  That is, how they worked or didn't work.  Is it one-sided (ie, is there black and white thinking?) or does she have a more balanced understanding of her previous relationships?

She continues, "don't you know how rejected I feel that you don't want to be with me and that you won't chase me."  I understand the rejection bit, but  I just didnt feel like having sex.  Also, I told her that I wasnt going to chase her anymore, to which she responded, "you should chase me, you should be willing to die for me, to do whatever it takes to be by my side."  I told her that I wasn't going to do that.  She called me an a**hole. 

A good question to ask might be, is she going to expect you to "chase" her even after being married?  Or is there any point in your engagement, where she is going to move past this expectation?

Then she remembered that one of the key reasons for postponing the wedding was her swearing at me during fights.  All of a sudden she started apologizing profusely, and started literally begging me to forgive her.  It was now 4:30 in the morning so I told her not to worry about it, that I understood she was just upset and didnt mean it, but that we should just sleep.   This morning she writes to me "I'm ashamed and embarrassed - all ido is keep messing up - It must be so hard to be on the receiving end...it is difficult for me to even explain how I feel sometimes so I can only imagine what u r going through.  I need to believe you when you say you love me so I am asking for your help...please help me, support me, just love me through this process - I beg you from the bottom of my heart."

"I need to believe you when you say you love me so" ... why is she seeking to marry you if she feels this way?  Shouldn't marriage be the expression of the abundance of love rather than as proof of love?

"I am asking for your help...please help me, support me, just love me through this process"  What specific help is she asking for?  What specific support is she asking for?  Is she just asking that you forgive her actions and leave it be?  Or is she really asking for actual help?

Here is another test for you.  Write down for your own reference, your interpretation and your feelings in the aftermath of this event.  Keep her correspondence intact and record for your reference how you think she feels and what you think she meant.  And several weeks from this day, bring it up again.  And try to discuss it.  See if she is willing to talk about it.  And see if she remembers any of it differently.  Ask her to read her own words if it is necessary to remind her.  And see how this turns out.

A few questions/thoughts - how similar does any of this sound?  Would a normal woman react the same way if I wasn't feeling up to having sex, even though she really wanted to? 

This sounds familiar, but it does not sound like what I would qualify as "normal."

I'll start with the familiar:  the last evening I spent with my uxBPDgf was similar to your evening in that I refused to be physically intimate with my BPDgf because I was feeling worn and used.  Even though it was not convenient for me, she asked me to spend the night at her place so that I can drop her off at the airport the next morning.  It would have been just fine for her to have gotten a ride from a friend or a roommate.  But I felt emotionally blackmailed into doing so.  I had to drive several hours in the late evening so that I could give her a 15 minute ride in the morning.  I was put out.  And I did not feel like being physically intimate.  Then again I expected to be able to discuss with her my feelings later, after she returned from her trip.  But I never had that conversation because she left me shortly thereafter.  Perhaps this was the catalyst that caused her to leave me.  I don't know.  Maybe she had planned on leaving me on her trip the whole time, and she just needed me for this last service.  But I refused her and felt a bit proud of myself for refusing her, because I rarely did so.  I refused her, and I was punished.

I've been married to my wife for seven years now, and I have never had such an interaction with her.  Sometimes she wishes to be intimate with me and initiates.  Sometimes I oblige.  When I do not, she does not feel rejected because I am not rejecting her.  We try to avoid a strict schedule, but that means sometimes one or the other might not be up for it.  This is normal.  For me at least.

Whether a "normal" woman might react the same way, depends on the woman.  People can have insecurities about sex and intimacy.  I think a good question for you might be instead of asking if this behavior is "normal" or "appropriate," you should ask yourself if this is the kind of behavior you would want in a potential life partner?

I know people say not to focus on the diagnosis, but I dont understand that line of thinking.  If I am trying to decided whether to stay or not, isnt it important to know what i am getting into?  Won't it change what "work" needs to be put in?  If it is just bad behavior, but not sick or disordered behavior, then won't the treatment and potential for successful results be different?  Shouldn't I factor that in to my decision to stay or not?

People say not to focus on the diagnosis because the diagnosis is quite difficult to make.  I think the only occasions when a diagnosis is easy, is when the person suspected of having BPD is having a full on meltdown with suicidal ideation.  And these occasions might not present at a convenient time or very often depending on the person.

The bottom line question you have to pose is: is my fiancee just only behaving badly occasionally?  Or does she have this disorder in spades?  And sadly the answer to this question might be both yes.  She is currently behaving badly on small occasions and this might be true even if she has this disorder in spades.   It seems like you will just have to waiting until there is an occasion when it might be revealed to you to what degree she is affected by disordered thinking.

Best wishes, Schwing

[engaged]

Hi everyone - thanks for the posts - this forum has literally saved my life.

Schwing, as always, thanks for the clear response.  I do hope that you work in this area - you really provide a service far greater than most professionals i have spoken to.

Your comment about the diagnosis being "easy" is if there is a full on meltdown with suicidial ideation - that is what I think I witnessed about 8 weeks before we were supposed to get married - I apologize for repeating this from my initial post when I introudeced myself, but the short version is that she went into a total rage, destroyed my closet and looked me square in the face and said, "hit me, i dare you to hit me" and when I said I wasn't going to hit her, she said, "I'll f*ing kill you".  She then started crying, banging her head on the wall in th closet and regressed into a child like state, telling me like a 5 year old that she "had to clean up the mess"...the next day, when I tried to bring up what happened before we went to bed, she locked herself in the bathroom, then when I didn't follow her or try to coax her out of the bathroom, she came into the bedroom and said she was leaving, packed a bag and left.  She came back 10 minutes later saying she had nowhere to go, no home, that she couldnt deal with the weight of the wedding, my not being there for her and hearing her cries for help and that if it wasnt for her parents and the guilt she feels of being a burden on them that she wouldnt be getting married and then grabbed 2 butcher knives and held them to her chest crouched down on the floor...but I only saw this level of meltdown happen once.  She did have a rage/meltdown on the phone when I was at my bachelor party (just a few days before the closet incident) where she threatened to fly down, cut my b*lls off and shove them down my throat.  Wow - I've written this story a few times, but each time I do, it strikes me how absurd this is.  I know we all think that we are, but I'm a pretty normal guy and this is total madness that I am writing stuff like this to describe my life (as I'm sure most people on this board feel like).  Would an "easy" diagnosis be if this happened repeatedly or in front of someone else?

 

[schwing]

Hi engaged,

Your comment about the diagnosis being "easy" is if there is a full on meltdown with suicidial ideation - that is what I think I witnessed about 8 weeks before we were supposed to get married

I think that is what you witnessed also.  If your fiancee ever pulls this kind of behavior again: either with the threat of physical violence towards you or the threat of suicide, you seriously need to consider calling the authorities.  The laws may vary depending upon your country and region but where I am from, that kind of behavior warrants a visit from the police.

Just don't think that you are doing this in order to arrest her, you are doing this to start the wheels turning in order for her to eventually get the kind of help she may need.  First of all, by calling the authorities, you will have established a boundary that you do not accept this kind of behavior.  And even if the police come and she suddenly behaves herself, at least she will know that this behavior is unacceptable and maybe it will prevent her from acting out to this degree in the future.  There is also the possibility that by summoning the authorities, she may dissociate and accuse falsely you -- for example, in your episode, she tried to provoke you to strike her.  If she dissociates, she might not be able to distinguish between her wish, and reality.  So you will need to take precautions to prevent yourself from becoming incarcerated.

Why must you consider taking this risk?  You need to get her behavior documented in some way; ie, a police report.  I am not a professional, but I imagine from the professional's position, it is not enough that one partner in a couple reports that their SO is behaving thusly.  Who is to say the person reporting is not the one with the actual problems (ie, projection)?  People who have personality disorders are notorious in their ability to manipulate even professionals.  But when there is some professional and neutral accounts which collaborate such reports, then I imagine there is something more tangible to work with.

What is your fiancee's current feelings about that initial meltdown?  Is she blaming it all on you and/or the external pressures on her?  It is not a good sign when someone acts out to such a degree and they choose to blame everyone else and not accept responsibility for their own behavior.  And by accepting responsibility I mean acknowledge they have some kind of problem and take measures to address the problem.

[pelona1]

Hi engaged,
I cannot begin to tell you how many times my UBPDH and had HUGE fights over the sex issue, he believes that if I don't want it at least every other day that I am not attracted to him and I don't love him. He believes that I should do whatever it takes to seduce him and always be ready when he is ready, I became fearful of saying no that it got to a point that I did not even like the act anymore it became a chore.
Also my UBPDH always wants me to chase him and comfort him even when he is super mean to me 

[Slo_Learner]

Engaged, your situation smacks of control. My exw was the same...she told me that when we had sex for the second time 'that isnt making love thats just getting rid of your horniness' - when I asked her if she had an orgasm she said 'yes but I AM multi-orgasmic and I am used to sex for 45 minutes a time, 3 times a night'...this obviously effected me and when it did...she did the same as your fiance - she used to wake me up during the night and ask me if I was gay, or why I couldnt perform as every other guy would love to have sex with her...did I not find her attractive.

When things became great again - she used to ask me to go for a bit longer...then when I did, she would tell me I had to stop as she had enough. We used to have sex EVERY night and maybe 3 times a day on the weekend...but funny, as when we did this she got so sore we had to stop for a few days - so where did the 3 times a night stand?

Once when she came to bed we were talking and I made a comment (not about sex) and put my hand on her leg...she immediately told me she wasnt a sex object and stormed off. When she came back I told her i wasnt coming on to her and lay there - within 5 minutes she was soming on to me, I stopped her and told her that 5 minutes ago she wasnt interested so no...she went mad again (it was all about her).

Another time we were making love and when she had a couple of orgasms she just stopped, pushed me off and said she had had enough...!

The funniest thing though, is that SHE was the one with the problem as she neede lubrication just about everytime we had sex. She didnt really like foreplay so it was a problem.

So I think it was all control and she knew she had problems and was simply projecting.

Good luck and dont worry about it as its just her control issues.

[JustSkippy]

Pelona1 I go through the same thing with my husband.  He can be mean for hours then turn the switch and expect me to be suddenly into him and in the mood for whatever he thinks up in the 'intimacy' arena. 

He doesn't understand that I am no where near wanting any physical contact with him at that point, at all.  None, nadda, zip, zilch.  I try to explain it to him at other times but he doesn't seem to get it.  You treat me like dirt, I don't want to touch you or be touched by you.  Period.

[pluto]

Hi Engaged,
I recognise all of this my uBPDw wants sex every night.  She says "Most normal men would die for a request like that".  I like sex but sometimes I really just want a cuddle and go to sleep.  She has on occassions said "well if you can't do it for me maybe I will just have to go elsewhere, I'm sure I can find someone who will appreciate me".  She has even gone to the lengths of satisfying herself next to me as if to make a point.  She can't understand that I don't want to do it every night... she will also say "Don't I excite you anymore?".  The problem I find is that even though she has a great body and looks great I find that after all the abuse I have received I really don't find her a turn on anymore unless I just feel like a shag, but its really not making love anymore.

[Slo_Learner]

Well, I think all this 'fear of abandonment' stuff is crap - sex is a way to control. If you dont want to...or cant perform (which is no surprise after all the abuse) then its just an easy target for them to tell you, you are not a man or some other BPD crap.

I used to have sex with my exw EVERY night and 3 times a day on the weekend. If, on the odd occasion I was tired - she would also tell me I wasnt normal...but...then she told me she had spoken to her friend and felt I was abnormal for wanting sex every night. I told her that it was HER that wasnt normal for discussing it! As, for some, every night is normal, for others its every week - so what, as I told her its normal to do it whenever you both felt like it.

As I say, for a female, who just has to ask and not get aroused its easy - and an easy thing to put you down with. The funny thing with my wife was that almost every time we had sex - we had to use lubricant - so, according to my doctor, it was HER that had an arousal problem - pure projection.

Pluto - buy her a vibrator and tell her to do it quietly...LOL...the threat of others is just to emotionally abuse and maybe as an excuse...