What would you do?

[Think About It...]

Just thought I would have some fun with something ridiculous...why does it get my goat that BPD mom of my SDs uses such juvenile, absurd, and embarrassing-to-her methods of trying to get to me? Who cares that she crosses out my initials on the kids' homework?  But it also feels so weird to have someone crossing out my signature, it is so violating in some odd way. I have sort of decided to just ignore her, maybe talk to the teacher about my involvement in general so that this does not become like last year, in which by the time we tried to talk to the teacher about how we were pushed away, the teacher had already sided with BPD...she is just so insidious.  It is like she knows just what to do that pushes our buttons but would appear so ridiculous if mentioned to anyone else as to make me seem petty and mean and jealous. 

Feedback?

[ennie]

Just thought I would have some fun with something ridiculous...why does it get my goat that BPD mom of my SDs uses such juvenile, absurd, and embarrassing-to-her methods of trying to get to me? Who cares that she crosses out my initials on the kids' homework?  But it also feels so weird to have someone crossing out my signature, it is so violating in some odd way. I have sort of decided to just ignore her, maybe talk to the teacher about my involvement in general so that this does not become like last year, in which by the time we tried to talk to the teacher about how we were pushed away, the teacher had already sided with BPD...she is just so insidious.  It is like she knows just what to do that pushes our buttons but would appear so ridiculous if mentioned to anyone else as to make me seem petty and mean and jealous. 

Feedback?

[marlo6277]

I would also be initialling in pen.  I initial all of my Skids homework in pen just for this reason.   But I would not be putting my initials all over the place.  Only where it is required. 

I also write in pen in their agendas - notes to teachers, etc...if BPDx wants to pitch a fit - go ahead.  SHE is not the one doing the homework with HER kids.  I AM.  If she doesn't like it, then she can darn well spend a little time with them doing it!

And the teachers know that skids go to her house on wknds.  If homework is incomplete on Monday morning, they know who to point the finger at. 

DH has always initialled in pen as well - even when they were married - as she erased his initials back then and wrote hers in instead. 

[Scott828]

As far as the realm of BPD behaviour is concerned, this must be one of the most petty and childish acts I have heard yet, and it is there for the teachers to see, it is an embaressment for her, although no doubt she will not see it that way.

I would have word with teacher, if it persists, as no doubt she will see from it, that there is conflict, although helping to paint the correct picture, will fall in your favour.

My exBPD is so school/education averse, I believe the teachers know, and she has also proved me right in front of teachers with her absurd behaviour, that now they are in no doubt. Give them time, and they always hang themselves, metaphorically speaking.

I understand when you say, it feels like a violation, certainly disrespect and something that would peeve me off too. Although my exBPD has run out of rants, lies and allegations towards me, and I am slowly turning the screw in the other direction.

Best wishes

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[dutchie]

I would not do any of the above. Don't focus on the BM so much. So what if she does that? Does it bother SD? That is the only thing that matters here. The only thing.

If SD brings it up I would assure SD that it doesn't bother you and that you hope SD is not feeling bad (on your behalf). THAT is the real issue in my opinion. If YOU can take SD out of the tug of war then you've achieved the best possible outcome. And that is where your power is, don't waste energy on the BM, use it for SD.
If SD sees that it gets to you that BM does this, she'll experience the tug of war because she'll feel guilty that it's because of her that both BM and you are affected in a negative way. Kids will think that, they really do. If you can show SD that you are not worried then SD will feel relief, relief that she doesn't have to worry about what her mum does, and that you are not upset. You could say something like:

"Maybe your mum feels upset that I've signed your homework because she doesn't know me that well and I'm not even your mum. And you know what? I can understand that she might feel a bit bad about that, because she IS your mum. She'll always be your mum and she'll always love you. And I'm happy that you are in my life too because you are such a sweetheart and we have so much fun together. I don't feel upset with your mum and you don't have to feel bad either. Ok?"

I don't know you so I'm having a bit of a guess here, but this is the stuff that I always did with my SD's when they were younger. You could see the relief on their faces, and that is what you want.

[dutchie]

And I would probably get your SO to sign the homework. You might have done the work with her, but it's easy enough to then ask SO afterwards to sign it. And if SD wonders why you don't sign it anymore then just say that you don't want to upset her mum. I don't think that that's wrong, but that's my opinion.
Look at it from BM's point of view; she obviously feels threatened by you, and for you to sign the homework is pushing HER buttons. So she has to respond. BM might be a right pain in the @ss and you probably have no plans to 'take over as a mum', but that doesn't matter. You will not be able to prove that to BM, and you will also not be able to put a stop to her behavior.

I'm in exactly the same boat, so don't get me wrong, I really do understand what it's like. But I've learned to not engage. It might not be a big deal to sign SD's homework to you, and yes you should be able to do it and BM should not worry about it, all true. But the reality is that BM does worry about it because BM has issues, and THAT is what you need to take into consideration. You can fight for normality, but you will never come out a winner.
What is best for SD? In this case to not push BM's buttons. And sure BM will probably think 'she showed you' if you stop signing. But the beauty of it is that you don't have to care what she thinks! So what? Let her. Good on her.
SD is benefitting and you know why.
Of course you can't always walk on eggshells, sometimes there will be moments when BM's buttons will be pushed and you'll still have to do it, but my advice is to avoid it when you can. Be the bigger person, because you are.

I hope you don't see this as criticism, I've been with my SO for almost 5 yrs now and we've both come such a long way since then. I can relate so well to your situation and I just want to give you my experience, because it's really made my life so much more easy and happy. And that is what rubs off on the whole family. Hugs for you x

[DreamGirl]

Just thought I would have some fun with something ridiculous...why does it get my goat that BPD mom of my SDs uses such juvenile, absurd, and embarrassing-to-her methods of trying to get to me? Who cares that she crosses out my initials on the kids' homework?  But it also feels so weird to have someone crossing out my signature, it is so violating in some odd way.

Why does this really bother you? That's an excellent question to ask yourself. Is it that she is malicious in her intent?

Do you think this is what she's doing? Trying to get to you?

I don't.

I'm a put-yourselves-in-their-shoes type of person. When I'm trying to guage what my skids' mom's reactions are all about, I try to figure out where certain behavior is coming from. I put myself in her shoes so to speak, for a lot of times my BPD is feeling an otherwise normal reaction to a situation, but that feeling is highly escalated and the reaction/action on that feeling is what comes across "juvenile, absurd, and embarassing-to-her". I also have learned that this reaction has a whole lot more to do with her than it ever did with me.

So in your case...as a mom, I just might struggle with another person, who was not his father, signing my child's homework. (I'm just being honest with you.) I would also probably question why my exH is having his wife do this parenting duty rather than himself. I think for the majority of divorced parents, it is a very hard thing to do to let go of the control of having a say as to who is going to be an influence in our children's life... trusting in the person you divorced to make good choices in their new partner.  It's even that much harder for someone who is disordered who doesn't necessarily have the ability to work thru the fear, the jealousy, or that loss of control. She also is probably falling into that black and white line of thinking where she thinks that your initials are making her look bad. So she acts impulsively (and yes, silly) to convey how she is feeling. She's trying to do something not necessarily to "get to you" but more "make me feel better".


You asked "what would you do"?

I'm with dutchie. I would have your SO sign the homework. It alleviates the problem without anyone having to do anything they don't want to do. Your SO should want to be a part of the process as well and this will encourage his involvement. My husband is forced, no matter how tired he may be, to sit down with the girls and look at all their schoolwork every night they are with us. He's grown to enjoy it really. So while I do think it's wonderful that your are participating in your SD's education and I don't think there is not a thing wrong with that...  I just believe you could fix this with very little effort and save the parent/teacher conferences for something more valuable than a little temper tantrum from mom. Everyone is content in the end...  you continue to help your SD (which I believe is your main goal), SD thrives because of that help, SO is encouraged to be involved by signing, and BPD isn't angry at the initials. 

Big hugs, my friend.  x

[ennie]

I would not do any of the above. Don't focus on the BM so much. So what if she does that? Does it bother SD? That is the only thing that matters here. The only thing.

If SD brings it up I would assure SD that it doesn't bother you and that you hope SD is not feeling bad (on your behalf). THAT is the real issue in my opinion. If YOU can take SD out of the tug of war then you've achieved the best possible outcome. And that is where your power is, don't waste energy on the BM, use it for SD.
If SD sees that it gets to you that BM does this, she'll experience the tug of war because she'll feel guilty that it's because of her that both BM and you are affected in a negative way. Kids will think that, they really do. If you can show SD that you are not worried then SD will feel relief, relief that she doesn't have to worry about what her mum does, and that you are not upset. You could say something like:

"Maybe your mum feels upset that I've signed your homework because she doesn't know me that well and I'm not even your mum. And you know what? I can understand that she might feel a bit bad about that, because she IS your mum. She'll always be your mum and she'll always love you. And I'm happy that you are in my life too because you are such a sweetheart and we have so much fun together. I don't feel upset with your mum and you don't have to feel bad either. Ok?"

I don't know you so I'm having a bit of a guess here, but this is the stuff that I always did with my SD's when they were younger. You could see the relief on their faces, and that is what you want.

I did handle it mostly that way, actually.  But she actually DOES know me that well.  I have known the kids most of their lives, and BPD bm says she trusts me and loves me.  She is intimidated because the kids love me and because she fears I am a better "mom" than she is.  Her fear makes it hard for her to see that her kids love her a way they will never love me, and makes it hard for her to see that it is fine with me that is the case. 

I do not think it is appropriate to make her feelings or actions seem normal to the kids.  One piece of feedback I have had from kids of BPD parents on this board and good friends who were raised with mentally ill people is that it is very important for the "sane" family to provide a reality check.  One of the things I hear from kids of mentally ill people is how hard it is for them to trust their own inner sense.  At firs I tried to support mama's choices, but after 2.5 years, it feels better to support their love for her, her love for them, and to try hard for ME to be in a loving space with her so that I can do the above in a credible way...but NOT to support her version of reality.  I feel that is very disempowering to the kids. 

I am not really bothered by her doing that...just feel like I do not want to go down the same road we did last year of "taking the higher ground" and ignoring her behavior, which resulted in the teachers at the "golden child's" school ignoring us and believing her perspective...the result is that SD9's IEP evaluation is filled with inaccuracies provided by mama, and I think this harms her ability to get the education she needs. 

As far as how I dealt with it, SD9 and I were doing homework, and she said, "Okay, now you need to sign here and say how many I got right.  Oh...maybe daddy should do that."  We had been talking about the distinction between legal parents, biological parents, and day-to-day parenting, and I had explained when she wanted me to sign legal paperwork for her school that some things are for her mom and dad legally, some are their decision as they are her mom and dad (like surgery and what school she goes to) and some are just who is with her (like whether she gets ice cream).  So I took this as unrelated to mama's issues, just her trying to figure out my role.  I said, "Oh, I should do that because I am the one who did the homework with you, so I am signing to say I saw it," and SD5 said, "Sometimes mama gets really mad when you sign it and crosses out your name and puts hers.  I do not know why she does that. She gets mad."  So I said, "Yeah, that seems kind of silly, doesn't it. I am not sure why, either.  I am just signing this because I am actually the one doing homework with you, and she can sign it the way she wants when she is with you.  That is okay. At mama's house, she gets to do it mama's way."

Usually I would ask what they thought about that, but we were rushing to get it done and start dinner.  Their dad was at work. 


I feel like this was not a perfect response, but okay.  My ideal is not to make mama wrong, but not to normalize her behavior either.  To let the girls know it is okay to love and accept their mom without making her right.  That SD5 can not understand her mom, but still love her.  She does understand mama is mad because I am close to them, but she does not understand why, given that it is obvious to them that I am totally in support of mama being their mama, that mama thinks I want to be mama.  I think being mystified by that is appropriate.  Acting like normal jealousy or typical step-mom/mom dynamics are responsible for their mom's rages does not seem truthful to me.  I have always empowered and supported their mom, never acted with jealousy.  When the girls miss her, we make cards for her and we give them hugs.  When they miss us, mom flies into a rage.  I do not want to act like we are right and mom is wrong, but I do not want to normalize her behavior or attitudes.  If I stick with my perception, being flexible and not too self-righteous, the kids have different options to choose from. I think that is good.  It is only when I blame her or hold it against BPD that the kids are put in the middle.  When they are angry at mama, I always try to help them see it from her perspective, too.  Without buying into the "poor mama" story. 

[ennie]

And I would probably get your SO to sign the homework. You might have done the work with her, but it's easy enough to then ask SO afterwards to sign it. And if SD wonders why you don't sign it anymore then just say that you don't want to upset her mum. I don't think that that's wrong, but that's my opinion.
Look at it from BM's point of view; she obviously feels threatened by you, and for you to sign the homework is pushing HER buttons. So she has to respond. BM might be a right pain in the @ss and you probably have no plans to 'take over as a mum', but that doesn't matter. You will not be able to prove that to BM, and you will also not be able to put a stop to her behavior.

I'm in exactly the same boat, so don't get me wrong, I really do understand what it's like. But I've learned to not engage. It might not be a big deal to sign SD's homework to you, and yes you should be able to do it and BM should not worry about it, all true. But the reality is that BM does worry about it because BM has issues, and THAT is what you need to take into consideration. You can fight for normality, but you will never come out a winner.
What is best for SD? In this case to not push BM's buttons. And sure BM will probably think 'she showed you' if you stop signing. But the beauty of it is that you don't have to care what she thinks! So what? Let her. Good on her.
SD is benefitting and you know why.
Of course you can't always walk on eggshells, sometimes there will be moments when BM's buttons will be pushed and you'll still have to do it, but my advice is to avoid it when you can. Be the bigger person, because you are.

I hope you don't see this as criticism, I've been with my SO for almost 5 yrs now and we've both come such a long way since then. I can relate so well to your situation and I just want to give you my experience, because it's really made my life so much more easy and happy. And that is what rubs off on the whole family. Hugs for you x

Yes, even from a place of this not bothering me, I am just not willing to do that.  Partly it is that authenticity is important to me, and also that it is important to me to approach things as a person, as if I am free to be who I want to be, rather from a role or protective-of-others perspective.  I am engaged in the kids schooling.  I do not want to hide that to make her comfortable.  I do not think it works, anyway.  When I have totally observed her wish for me to disappear, things got much worse.  The kids were much more caught in the middle, as she went into this whole fantasy that she was getting back together with my partner, that we were not getting married, that I did not care about the kids, and the kids were coming to us all the time with really serious questions and concerns about this stuff. It really jacked them around.  So I do not think avoiding her reaction is a good solution.  She just reacts to other things.  For me, it makes me happy to be who I am.  I would rather help the kids to learn how to be okay with her reaction than help them to learn how to ignore their own needs to avoid her reaction. 

[ennie]

Just thought I would have some fun with something ridiculous...why does it get my goat that BPD mom of my SDs uses such juvenile, absurd, and embarrassing-to-her methods of trying to get to me? Who cares that she crosses out my initials on the kids' homework?  But it also feels so weird to have someone crossing out my signature, it is so violating in some odd way.

Why does this really bother you? That's an excellent question to ask yourself. Is it that she is malicious in her intent?

Do you think this is what she's doing? Trying to get to you?

I don't.

I'm a put-yourselves-in-their-shoes type of person. When I'm trying to guage what my skids' mom's reactions are all about, I try to figure out where certain behavior is coming from. I put myself in her shoes so to speak, for a lot of times my BPD is feeling an otherwise normal reaction to a situation, but that feeling is highly escalated and the reaction/action on that feeling is what comes across "juvenile, absurd, and embarassing-to-her". I also have learned that this reaction has a whole lot more to do with her than it ever did with me.

So in your case...as a mom, I just might struggle with another person, who was not his father, signing my child's homework. (I'm just being honest with you.) I would also probably question why my exH is having his wife do this parenting duty rather than himself. I think for the majority of divorced parents, it is a very hard thing to do to let go of the control of having a say as to who is going to be an influence in our children's life... trusting in the person you divorced to make good choices in their new partner.  It's even that much harder for someone who is disordered who doesn't necessarily have the ability to work thru the fear, the jealousy, or that loss of control. She also is probably falling into that black and white line of thinking where she thinks that your initials are making her look bad. So she acts impulsively (and yes, silly) to convey how she is feeling. She's trying to do something not necessarily to "get to you" but more "make me feel better".


You asked "what would you do"?

I'm with dutchie. I would have your SO sign the homework. It alleviates the problem without anyone having to do anything they don't want to do. Your SO should want to be a part of the process as well and this will encourage his involvement. My husband is forced, no matter how tired he may be, to sit down with the girls and look at all their schoolwork every night they are with us. He's grown to enjoy it really. So while I do think it's wonderful that your are participating in your SD's education and I don't think there is not a thing wrong with that...  I just believe you could fix this with very little effort and save the parent/teacher conferences for something more valuable than a little temper tantrum from mom. Everyone is content in the end...  you continue to help your SD (which I believe is your main goal), SD thrives because of that help, SO is encouraged to be involved by signing, and BPD isn't angry at the initials. 

Big hugs, my friend.  x

I do not feel like it is possible or desirable for dad to do all the homework with the kids right now.  First off, we have a week on, week off schedule and he already takes three days of the week ot pick up and drop off the kids at school.  He is taking over a business, which is way more than full time work, and is supporting his ex fully by paying half of what he earns--and that is not counting the hours he takes off to be there for the kids.  So he does do homework 3-4 days a week.  But at least one day, I do it with them.  We live and hour from the kids' schools and his work, which are 30 minutes apart from each other, so by the time we get home, there is limited time to do homework and make dinner.  He gets home at 6:30 or 7, and the girls' bedtime is 8, as we have to be out of the door by 7am to get off to school on time.  So there is no way we could wait til' 7 for homework, especially as it is important to us to have dinner as a family. 

Also, I am the more academic of the three of them, and I have taught and worked with special needs kids.  My SD has learning disabilities and with mama gets the message that she is not capable.  I am able to help her see that she CAN do it.  Dad's has similar disabilities, so he spells not so well and gets things reversed.  I think it is important and great for him to be there to do homework most of the time, and have encouraged him to organize his work schedule around his kids, and he has as much as anyone I know.  Still, he could not have 50% custody without my help.  And he feels that is necessary for the kids and himself. 

[TCarlisle]

I would speculate the behavior is really about her feeling replaced. Having those initials on the homework she gets a visual of you spending quality time with SD, and perhaps you are more consistent with homework than she is so it also brings about feelings if inadequacy.

Now, what would "I" do about it? Nothing, If I was your SO, I'd simply praise you for your help and your caring towards SD and could care less how that makes the BPD mom feel. Why? Because life no longer revolves around BPD mom, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing -- in fact there is much right about it. The reality is if you find a way to not get her panties in a bunch over this, next week it will be something else, and after that something else, etc. It is too easy to get caught up in walking on eggshells even after the divorce. If you give in, she wins this and moves on to the next. Oddly, if you don't give in she will probably remain stuck on this item. 

[DreamGirl]

ennie. I know that you are doing everything you can for these kids. I think it is a beautiful thing. You're heading down a rocky road here though and you are falling into a common trap. You are creating an environment where you are needed in taking care of kids that are simply not your responsibility. Period. You really do have zero say in anything, technically and legally. Your SO is only allowing your participation. The behavior coming from the ex is undoubtedly going to continue and you are going to continue to be frustrated.

You speak of a husband who "can't" have 50/50 custody of kids without you.

And you will adamantly disagree with me here and I respect that but...your husband shouldn't have 50/50 custody if he can't financially and physically do it himself. He chooses not to because he doesn't have to. You have become not a helpful addition... but rather a condition to him having this custody arrangement. In theory it's probably the best case scenario, but what does your SO do if you chose or are chosen to leave the situation?

My husband is in the same boat, and please understand that I helped create this situation... but... he has become completely dependent on me in this regard... and I have gotten resentful for my own need for (and lack thereof)validation reasons. So in the end, we have single handledly created a codependent relationship, him and I. It's not a healthy place to be.

Also, I am the more academic of the three of them, and I have taught and worked with special needs kids.  My SD has learning disabilities and with mama gets the message that she is not capable.  I am able to help her see that she CAN do it.  Dad's has similar disabilities, so he spells not so well and gets things reversed.

Can you not do all of these things without signing the homework? Why is this simple task so important to you? How are the girls going to be affected by the continuous power struggle BM has when it comes to their schoolwork and your involvement? 

[ennie]

First of all, I do think that our current situation is relatively short term.  Soon, we will have a house and things will calm down a bit.  He will also be more accustomed to his new role. 

I do disagree that he "should not do it" if he cannot do it without help.  No parent can do it without help.  However, women have a great deal of societal support that men lack.  Men are expected to be the income earners.  It is socially acceptable for women to not work and "raise the kids."  So though the law supposedly makes his ex equally responsible for caring for the children financially and so forth, I do not know a situation in which a man has successfully been fully supported by his ex while he cares for the kids, and there are PLENTY of the opposite situation. 

I am not one who believes that parents and parents alone are responsible for the well-being of children.  I think it is totally acceptable that more than parents help out.  My brother and his wife, who are together as a couple and sane, would not have been able to make it during some financial times without government assistance without the help of my parents, who take their kids part of 1-5 days a week.  I devoted a day a week to homeschooling my nephew while his mom went to pert-time school, and it worked well for all.  I have aided in the homeschooling of 2 other neighbor kids of single moms, also, and have mentored teens. 

I believe in the "it takes a village" idea of childrearing. 

I do think in my relationship with my mate, it is critical that he not assume I will make a particular contribution.  Ultimately, they are HIS kids, and my contribution is voluntary.  He and I notice that the kids have a really hard time when they are with their mom for more than ten days at a time, and having read accounts from this board about what it is like being a kid of a BPD mom, I am able to imagine why that is.  It is my partner's choice to have them 50% of the time.  At first, he had them on a 2-2-5-5 schedule, which worked well for working purposes, but was a lot of transitions.  When he switched to week-on, week-off, I think he did assume that I would be there to pick up the slack.  I made it really clear that this could not be the case.  We had a lot of talk about that, and after much thought, I came to the inner-realization that I DO have a commitment to the girls independent of my mate, and that I truly am offering to be there for them no matter what, that I have had that relationship with others.  If my partner died, I would bet a bunch of cash that his ex would want me in her life and the life of the kids.  It would be the choice of the parents and kids to contact me if I broke up with my mate...it is a unilateral offer to be there for the kids, but one I think I will stick by. 

That said, the contribution that feels right to me given my own commitment to them and not mine to my partner, is no more than one day a week.  That means that if we have the kids every other week, I still do not want to be solely responsible for them more than one day of each week.  Same with if his ex skips town.  He can take off work, find other child care, leave the kids with their mom, or whatever works, if it is more than one day a week.  I am open to being present with the kids lots of other days and contributing, but not to being the sole parent responsible.  This is not to say that this is an obligation--it is still by choice for me, as I am not their mom or dad.  But it seems to work way better in my relationship with my mate and the kids if I distinguish between what I am doing for him versus what I am doing for them. 

For him, I am willing to do childcare if our relationship is reciprocal.  For example, if we have the kids for a month when his ex is gone, and I have the kids once a week, we are together with the kids 4 days, and I get one day off, I am willing to trade him putting money or time into my projects in trade for being with the kids so he can have some time off. 

I also need time by myself I am not yet getting.  So that is next to figure out. 

I think it is okay for parents to use child care and other methods of having kids taken care of to facilitate having a job, pursuing our goals, etc.  I do not think a parent can only be a parent if they are available all the time.  To the contrary, I think most people parent better when they have time off regularly, and this works best with people beyond the two primary parents.  Most "blended familes" I know share responsibilities pretty well, with primary parents being the most active parents, and steps also playing a role. 

For me, this works well.  Even with kids I babysit, it is important to me for the development of our relationship to have time alone with them. 

In this case, it feels good to have an independent relationship with the kids.  If I was doing homework more than half the time, or half the time, it would feel like too much.  But one day a week feels fine. 

When it does not work is when I feel trapped, by my sense of obligation to the kids or two my mate, without reciprocal rights to deal directly with schedules, etc.

Finally, I do not exactly agree that I am doing this only because he is letting me.  Legally, it is true that parents must give permission for their kids to spend time with others, or else it is kidnapping.  However, in fact, no-one here has a problem with me spending time with the kids.  BPDex even says she is glad I am in the picture as she feels good about my role with the kids and my influence on her mate.  And while parents can dump kids with whoever they want, kids also have choice.  There are the legal rules and then there is the reality that kids need lots of people in their lives and these kids want to be with me.  Their parents want that, too.  BPD is playing games, but she also wants me around.  Ultimately, I actually believe that we are all free to do as we like, but there are consequences.  I think making myself available to kids is my choice and it is their choice too, and their parents' choice, too...but I still have a choice, here.  I just do not have the ability to make anyone do anything. 

I do not think it is "co-dependent" for me to help care for the kids.  I like them.  I care for them.  This is not to make my mate happy. It is co-dependent to feel like I have to do something to be loved. 

If I was not with my mate, he would find another way to make it work.  He would get full custody and move nearer his mom, or he would work half time, or something else.  He would not abandon his kids.  He realizes that his kids need him, that just being in the custody of a BPD mom is not enough for them, is not the experience he wants them to have.  He wants to be really there for them.  And he is. 

I am much less so, but part of what he can provide is a the ability to be in a workable relationship, where both of us get what we want. 

For me, the thing that makes something my responsibility is whether I want to do it and voluntarily take it on.  I did not choose to have kids.  So I am not ultimately responsible there.  But I am choosing to make them a part of my life and heart.  That is not co-dependent.  Buying into my mates feeling of being trapped and taking on his burdens when he is unwilling to say "no" IS co-dependent, and you have seen me do that, too.  But this summer has been great for clarifying that responsibility, and I definitely think that working together to raise children is something we all can have a part in.   

[DreamGirl]

ennie.

I think we tangented a little bit here, which I can help take the blame for.   I think this is a worthwhile subject, the whole "it takes a village" to raise a child... and I agree with that ideology. I just believe that you and I have a difference in opinion of what the roles and the boundaries of the contributing people are.

I think we're taking a tangent from the original path and purpose of the original post.

The signing of the homework.  I can see where you are relaying your qualifications as being capable, maybe even better equipped than her own bioparents, of assisting your SD in her schoolwork. I don't think that is even an issue. BM isn't crossing off your name because you aren't qualified.   

I'm also observing that you want to restrict your involvement in the parenting role ensuring that mom and dad do the brunt of the parenting work... but because of your contribution, you feel that BM's request that you NOT sign the homework should not be respected. (I know she didn't technically request this, but in her own round about way did)

So I wonder again why is this simple task so important to you? How are the girls going to be affected by the continuous power struggle BM has when it comes to their schoolwork and your involvement? She's not going to stop crossing your name off... ever. Your SDs are going to continue witnessing this again and again. What lesson are they learning here?

[TCarlisle]

ennie. I know that you are doing everything you can for these kids. I think it is a beautiful thing. You're heading down a rocky road here though and you are falling into a common trap. You are creating an environment where you are needed in taking care of kids that are simply not your responsibility. Period. You really do have zero say in anything, technically and legally. Your SO is only allowing your participation. The behavior coming from the ex is undoubtedly going to continue and you are going to continue to be frustrated.

I am not sure I agree. From a legal standpoint, the stepparent doesn't have any rights to make major decisions regarding health, medical care, education, etc. I am sure no stepparent would overstep these bounds.

But isn't it the saying that it takes a village to raise a child? My ex has ten family members living within 15 minutes of her and when she has an urgent need she can get them to watch the kids anytime, or if she is just tired, etc. If she did not have this family support, she could not do it alone. This I know. In fact, I doubt she could even live alone without kids herself without this support -- this I know.

If a man brings a lady into the household motivated mainly by a need for assistance, that would be wrong. But if a relationship is established for the right reasons, and it develops into a family situation, I think it is not appropriate at all for the stepmom to assist with the kids as described here. It sounds like there is a short term situation at work where Dad is over subscribed at the moment, and this stepmom has stepped up to help the family through the situation, because Dad's work impacts everyone. Dad shouldn't be told tough luck they are your kids. Or at least I don't think so.

This brings up the question though, what should be the role of a step parent? Is it wrong for a step parent to take some ownership of the kids lives? A step parent is in a position to influence the development of the kids. There is no getting around that. Just by virtue of spending time together, some of the qualities of the step parent will rub off on them. And when the relationship builds between the kids and the step parent, the step parent will do things for the kids. I think it is natural for an elder to want to give what they can to benefit the lives of kids whom they have developed a bond.

But I think the line needs to be watched. The things a step parent should do for the kids, I think, should not be core things that are maternal/paternal. Things like they would do for a niece or nephew. Like entertaining them, feeding them, playing games, etc. and caring for them for some time. I think helping with homework falls into this category, especially when the step parent is trained/experienced in education.

Discipline should be left up to the parents. The step parent should be able to request the kids stop something when told, and the kids should respect that. The step parent should be able to explain why something the kids did was not the best decision. But any punitive form of discipline should be deferred to the parent. This is not only to respect the parents but also to protect everyone form any allegations of abuse, which is common in a scenario with a BPD who's ex now has another SO.

It would be hard to go down a list of maternal/paternal responsibilities that should not be stepped on by a step parent. I think step parents have a good idea what they should and should not be doing, and the parent usually has a good watch to make sure no role boundaries are being crossed. I was a step parent for about ten years, and no one taught me how to be one and somehow I always knew what I should and shouldn't be doing. For example, calling me dad... eventually they started doing that and I let them know I am not their dad but I cared for them deeply.

Maybe I read DreamGirl's post wrong, but I also sensed a suggestion that ennie should modify her step parenting because the kids mom is BPD. I wouldn't. Respect that the mom is the kids mother, and step parent how you feel is right and if the only thing telling you not to do a certain thing for the kids is how it might set off the mom because of BPD then do it. If you know in your heart and mind what you are doing is right for the kids, right for you and your husband, and is appropriate then do it. You can't tailor your step parenting around the BPD any better than your husband can tailor his parenting around the BPD.

The BPD wants to maintain a line of control. I am sure the BPD mom makes issue of the way your husband parents as well. The BPD just has to try to stay in control -- it is what they do. But when the kids are on his time, the BPD shouldn't be in control. He parents as he parents, and you step parent as you do, and as long as nothing inappropriate is being done then the BPD mom has no business trying to control it.  And if you allow that to happen, you are feeding the monster and giving over control by bowing down to BPD mom's territorialism.

Also, BPD mom is also trying to put you in your place. With respect to the daughter, BPD mom outranks you. She is the mom. But with respect to your husband, you outrank BPD mom. You come first to him and BPD mom is lower on the totem pole. Part of what BPD mom is doing is probably also trying to pressure your husband to see if he will interject and give her what she wants -- and that would be putting her over you. This is probably what she is really after -- trying to create turmoil in your relationship by forcing him to give her priority.

It might be easy to appease this BPD mom on this issue, but you are within your rights to stand firm. You spent the time, you added value to the daughter's life, and if the homework is to be initialed by the person that assisted then you have every right to do it. In my opinion, this is a very complex decision and is about a lot more than who initials the darned homework.  

[Matt]

I would speculate the behavior is really about her feeling replaced. Having those initials on the homework she gets a visual of you spending quality time with SD, and perhaps you are more consistent with homework than she is so it also brings about feelings if inadequacy.

Now, what would "I" do about it? Nothing, If I was your SO, I'd simply praise you for your help and your caring towards SD and could care less how that makes the BPD mom feel. Why? Because life no longer revolves around BPD mom, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing -- in fact there is much right about it. The reality is if you find a way to not get her panties in a bunch over this, next week it will be something else, and after that something else, etc. It is too easy to get caught up in walking on eggshells even after the divorce. If you give in, she wins this and moves on to the next. Oddly, if you don't give in she will probably remain stuck on this item. 

Ennie and all,

Let me pop in a couple of thoughts here.

First, I just want to underscore TCarlisle's words here, which I think are right on target.  (I tried to find another way to say this but I can't say it better.)  I guess we could say, keep your focus on the kids and not on the other adult.  That sounds simple but I think it can be really hard, and it's really important.

However, I also want to share a little anecdote related to the discussion of validating the kids' perceptions of inappropriate behavior, and sometimes deliberately and clearly not validating someone's false statements (which she may believe to be true).

In May of 2008, near the end of the school year, I got a call from the principal about my son who was about to turn 10.  He had hit another child on the bus - a girl the same age but quite a bit bigger than him.  My daughter (then 11) saw it and said the girl was picking on him and he was defending himself, and that's what my son said too.  The girl happened to be the daughter of a teacher at the same school.

We were then separated, a couple months from the divorce being final.  We both met with the principal, who was new.  She said she had investigated and found that my son had acted inappropriately, and he would not be allowed back on the bus.  My then-wife, who suffers from BPD, made a couple of odd comments:  first, "He's never done anything like this before.";  and then, "We have both taught him not to hit girls and I don't know why he would think it's all right to do that."

I let her finish, then said I needed to set the record straight.  First, he had done something like that before, in a similar situation - not saying he was at fault in either case, but the fact is this wasn't the first time.  Second, he had seen such behavior at home:  my wife had physically attacked me twice just before we separated, and the second time the police had come and had talked with him about it.  So he was aware that physical violence was an option and had in fact gotten my wife exactly what she wanted in both cases.

I did not raise these issues to embarrass my wife, and raising them may not have been in my interest during a custody fight.  But I was (and am) determined that I will not let a false statement stand - if someone says something in my presence that is not true, I will state that.  My wife continued to tell lies after that, but over time she has done it much less - knowing I will tell the truth.

My point is, while you don't want to focus on the ex and create drama, I for one think it's always right to respond to false statements with true statements - and back them up if possible - and never right to let lies stand.

(A little diversion from your main topic though...)

Best wishes,

Matt

[TCarlisle]

So I wonder again why is this simple task so important to you? How are the girls going to be affected by the continuous power struggle BM has when it comes to their schoolwork and your involvement? She's not going to stop crossing your name off... ever. Your SDs are going to continue witnessing this again and again. What lesson are they learning here?

I know you didn't ask me    

My opinion is that what the girls would learn here is that BPD mom always get what she wants and anytime BPD mom flexes her muscle, stepmom has to cave. The step mom is not the mother, but the step mom is still a very important person in their lives and deserves a level of respect commensurate to her role. You are right, it is a power struggle, and by giving into it step mom gets viewed as less important, etc. by BPD mom, husband, kids, and even the school. You hit it right on the head -- it is about power.

And when this matter of who signs the homework has passed, it will be something else. If ennie is always giving up these power struggles, the she will end up being powerless. Her role in the family is a very important one, and she deserves respect and power commensurate with that role. She has a leadership role over this family, and leading is done with power. The form of power in this instance is power by virtue of being respected.

Ennie has no other forms of power. She can't discipline the kids (or shouldn't). The leadership power ennie has is derived from respect, and she should protect that. The BPD is being unreasonable, really is just challenging ennie's position and trying to cut her legs out from under her. If this struggle has a negative impact on the kids, it is being caused by the BPD mom.

Sorry for hi jacking...

[Matt]

Let me also comment a little on the step-parent thing (at the risk of this thread becoming hopelessly off-topic).

We often focus here on whether step-parents have any authority legally - and often they don't.  (Though sometimes they do.)  Having no legal authority can mean you aren't seen as having a legitimate role in making decisions.  And therefore you don't have much influence.

But that's not how it always is, and in my humble opinion it's not how it should usually be.  Especially once you get out of the most hostile phase of the relationship with the BPD sufferer.

In my case, when I married their mom, I also asked both stepkids (then SD6 and SS18), knowing all three would say yes.  We all took part in the vows.  Now I am divorced from their mom but still close to both of them - they both treat me as their dad - SDnow20 calls me "Matt" because her biodad is still (kinda) in the picture, and SSnow31 calls me "Dad" and is much closer to me than to his mom.

While we lived together, I let my wife have the final say over my stepkids - I always said "Well this is something your mom gets to decide and I will support whatever she decides, but here's my opinion" and often my opinion would be accepted by both the kid and their mom.

My point is, in a household, both parents should be partners, and should generally be equal on all the important stuff, including kids and stepkids.  If the law doesn't say that, but if both the bioparent and the stepparent are wise, they'll still function as a team, and the step-parent will have the authority needed to manage the kids, with the support of the bioparent.  I would not step-parent without that authority - I just don't think it would work if the kids have as much backbone as mine (step and bio) do.  And that backbone is critical so they can survive childhood with a borderline parent.

Does that make sense?  Or am I just making this thread into one big hijack?

Best wishes,

Matt

[DreamGirl]

I'm alone in my thoughts it seems.

And that's okay. I've been here before.

I just firmly believe that sometimes by dropping the drama baton, you are setting a better example.

My skids' BPD mom is very much triggered by my handwriting. She blew a gasket when I signed a planner of my SD's. I explained to her that I only did it because she had forgotten to ask her dad and she remembered as I was driving her to school. I told her that I'm sorry that this upset her so much. She let me know that I was not their mother and their father should take better care of his daughters and so on. I told her to call DH at that point and let her know that I'm sorry she was so upset. I also decided that I was going to respect her wish not to sign the planner anymore.

Not because I'm bowing down to her. Not because I'm walking on eggshells. I just don't think the battle is worth it. I know my place. I know my power. This stepmom doesn't need to prove a thing to anybody.

The lessons I like to teach my girls is that you don't have to fight back in order to stand up for yourself. I don't play into the drama. If BM were any other woman on the planet and she asked me NOT to sign her daughter's homework, I would oblige to that request even though it's ridiculous in nature. I don't care what her reasons are. I know that the BPD in my life is trying to alleviate her feelings towards having another woman in her daughters' lives.

I didn't think my skids' BM was flexing her muscles necessarily, she was just afraid.

I help her often as I can so that she understands that I respect her as their mother. I will call her and ask her if I can cut and color their hair and how short I should. I ask her what medicine I should buy when they're sick. I help her feel less afraid. I dissect her reactions and I try to help her hold onto the power that she thought she was losing to me. She's disordered and feels powerless most of the time. I can help her not feel that way or I can inflame the situation and encourage her to do it her way which usually isn't very productive.

I also left the parenting power struggle to the two adults who collectively created the child.

That's all.

I just have a different approach and BM could care less now if I sign their homework.

[Matt]

I'm alone in my thoughts it seems.

And that's okay. I've been here before.

I just firmly believe that sometimes by dropping the drama baton, you are setting a better example.

My skids' BPD mom is very much triggered by my handwriting. She blew a gasket when I signed a planner of my SD's. I explained to her that I only did it because she had forgotten to ask her dad and she remembered as I was driving her to school. I told her that I'm sorry that this upset her so much. She let me know that I was not their mother and their father should take better care of his daughters and so on. I told her to call DH at that point and let her know that I'm sorry she was so upset.

Not because I'm bowing down to her. Not because I'm walking on eggshells. I just don't think the battle is worth it. I know my place. I know my power. This stepmom doesn't need to prove a thing to anybody.

The lessons I like to teach my girls is that you don't have to fight back in order to stand up for yourself. I don't play into the drama. If BM were any other woman on the planet and she asked me NOT to sign her daughter's homework, I would oblige to that request even though it's ridiculous in nature. I don't care what her reasons are. I know that the BPD in my life is trying to alleviate her feelings towards having another woman in her daughter's life.

I didn't think my skids' BM was flexing her muscles necessarily, she was just afraid.

I help her often as I can so that she understands that I respect her as their mother. I will call her and ask her if I can cut and color their hair and how short I should. I ask her what medicine I should buy when they're sick. I help her feel less afraid. I dissect her reactions and I try to help her hold onto the power that she thought she was losing to me. I left the parenting power struggle to the two adults who collectively created the child.

That's all.

I just have a different approach and BM could care less now if I sign their homework.

Each of our situations is unique, and while we find a lot of common experiences - because BPD has a lot of common effects - we're all individuals and the BPD sufferers are all individuals too.  So what works for me might not work for someone else.

I think one of the beauties of this site is that we can all share what has worked for us.  And that means we all have to sort out what's helpful and what's not - not right or wrong, but what works in each situation.

So I hope nobody feels "alone in my thoughts" - just unique (in this thread) in your experiences!

Best,

Matt

[DreamGirl]

So what works for me might not work for someone else.

I think one of the beauties of this site is that we can all share what has worked for us.  And that means we all have to sort out what's helpful and what's not - not right or wrong, but what works in each situation.

So I hope nobody feels "alone in my thoughts" - just unique (in this thread) in your experiences!

Definitely agreed. I've been accused of being a bit too coddling in nature.

I'm also a bit more candid with my dear friend, ennie. We go way back.   but in this, I may have come across as more than what I was intending.

I was also hoping to stray a bit from "role of the stepparent" debate that I seemed to have touched upon and wasn't wanting to hijack the original intent of the thread.

Much love to all of you.