What would you do?

[Think About It....]

So I hope nobody feels "alone in my thoughts" - just unique (in this thread) in your experiences!

I would hope that noone feels alone in their thoughts, especially in this type of situation. None of these potential scenarios are wrong. It all depends on your parental plan, and goals for your young children.

If it is your goal to raise a child that values the truth over feelings, then yes, by all means, Matt has represented that aspect of the equation.
If you goal is to raise a child that understands the dynamics of differing types of people, then DG has voiced that well.
If you want to raise a child that will not allow anyone to walk all over them, then we have that represented here as well.
It all depends on what the common goal of the parents and what the parental plan is. None of that is up to us to hold Ennie up to do in her situation. But, what be all do need to do is to respect each others feelings and plans, and give our input and why we feel it benefits the child and try not to take into consideration the Adult dynamics in play. Those are secondary thoughts that have value. In this case, it is my belief that it is the secondary arguements that have it in a bind.

Who signs the homework isnt the issue here. The child will not suffer anything due to the signature on the paper. What matters most here is that SOMEONE helps the child, and checks out the homework for completion, and accuracy. We know that Ennie has done that, and she also feels that she is the most capable to do this in her family unit. So, the actual problem has been taken care of, the child progresses in its learning. The child feels cared for enought that someone is looking out for its best interest. (Pardon me for being very gender neutral here.) This is the meat and potatoes of the situation.

The signature, and the secondary ramifications are not helping the child. These are all ego statements made by the Biomom, and thats ok. We can try to reason with her, simply by adding a sticky note to the childs homework explaining that Ennie helped the child with the homework, and has preapproved it for the BM's approval. If the BM cant be grateful for that, I dont believe that it is worth the child seeing a power struggle, but again, it depends on the parental plans in play.

We cant, and shouldnt expect to be able to manipulate the BM's feelings. She has her reasons, whatever they are, and they are real to her. Fighting with her will do nothing but dig her heels further into the arguement. We can try reasoning, to a point, and then it is useless. So what are we to do?

I believe that focusing on the real issue here is what is important. The child got their homework done, and had it checked by a competant adult that cares enough to see that it is done, and done accurately. Anything else is whiskey under the bridge, if the BM wants to play games with a signature, Id do what Ennie did, and have a talk with the child, and then cease doing it from that point on.

Just my opinions in my dilluted mind.  

[PDQuick]

So I hope nobody feels "alone in my thoughts" - just unique (in this thread) in your experiences!

I would hope that noone feels alone in their thoughts, especially in this type of situation. None of these potential scenarios are wrong. It all depends on your parental plan, and goals for your young children.

If it is your goal to raise a child that values the truth over feelings, then yes, by all means, Matt has represented that aspect of the equation.
If you goal is to raise a child that understands the dynamics of differing types of people, then DG has voiced that well.
If you want to raise a child that will not allow anyone to walk all over them, then we have that represented here as well.
It all depends on what the common goal of the parents and what the parental plan is. None of that is up to us to hold Ennie up to do in her situation. But, what be all do need to do is to respect each others feelings and plans, and give our input and why we feel it benefits the child and try not to take into consideration the Adult dynamics in play. Those are secondary thoughts that have value. In this case, it is my belief that it is the secondary arguements that have it in a bind.

Who signs the homework isnt the issue here. The child will not suffer anything due to the signature on the paper. What matters most here is that SOMEONE helps the child, and checks out the homework for completion, and accuracy. We know that Ennie has done that, and she also feels that she is the most capable to do this in her family unit. So, the actual problem has been taken care of, the child progresses in its learning. The child feels cared for enought that someone is looking out for its best interest. (Pardon me for being very gender neutral here.) This is the meat and potatoes of the situation.

The signature, and the secondary ramifications are not helping the child. These are all ego statements made by the Biomom, and thats ok. We can try to reason with her, simply by adding a sticky note to the childs homework explaining that Ennie helped the child with the homework, and has preapproved it for the BM's approval. If the BM cant be grateful for that, I dont believe that it is worth the child seeing a power struggle, but again, it depends on the parental plans in play.

We cant, and shouldnt expect to be able to manipulate the BM's feelings. She has her reasons, whatever they are, and they are real to her. Fighting with her will do nothing but dig her heels further into the arguement. We can try reasoning, to a point, and then it is useless. So what are we to do?

I believe that focusing on the real issue here is what is important. The child got their homework done, and had it checked by a competant adult that cares enough to see that it is done, and done accurately. Anything else is whiskey under the bridge, if the BM wants to play games with a signature, Id do what Ennie did, and have a talk with the child, and then cease doing it from that point on.

Just my opinions in my dilluted mind.  

[oneflewover]

Is this a step-parent issue or a BPD issue cause I am really confused here.

I don't know, as a parent, I would be pretty remiffed to see a non parent sign my child's homework assignment.  In defense of the BPD mom, I can understand where she is coming from.  Sometimes, you have to take into account that this is NOT a BPD issue but merely a "don't mess with my parenting role" issue.

So yeah, guess that would make this scenerio a step-parent issue then.

[Matt]

If it is your goal to raise a child that values the truth over feelings, then yes, by all means, Matt has represented that aspect of the equation.
If you goal is to raise a child that understands the dynamics of differing types of people, then DG has voiced that well.
If you want to raise a child that will not allow anyone to walk all over them, then we have that represented here as well.

Yes, we have looked at several issues in this thread, from several points of view.

My own view is that it's not truth vs. feelings;  or understanding others vs. having a backbone;  or any other either/or.  My hope is that my kids can have all that, and won't see the truth as something that trumps feelings, or vice versa, but will see things as they are, and will also be OK with their own and others' feelings.

One way to look at this is, what does the child need most right now?  Is it help with schoolwork - then help!  Is it a validation for her perceptions of the adults in her life - then validate!

A challenge I've faced, is to let my ex provide what she provides that is positive - and there's a lot of that - but not to assume anything.  Instead, watch and listen and try to figure out what unmet needs each kid has, and then try to provide for those, whether or not they're my own strengths.

And yes, on this thread and on this board and on this whole site, a big challenge for many of us is to remind ourselves again and again to focus on the kids not the ex.  That makes things go much better.

Best,

Matt

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[Matt]

Is this a step-parent issue or a BPD issue cause I am really confused here.

I don't know, as a parent, I would be pretty remiffed to see a non parent sign my child's homework assignment.  In defense of the BPD mom, I can understand where she is coming from.  Sometimes, you have to take into account that this is NOT a BPD issue but merely a "don't mess with my parenting role" issue.

So yeah, guess that would make this scenerio a step-parent issue then.

I probably contributed to the confusion.  So let me see if I can make it worse...

My view is, in a healthy home, the step-parent is a parent.  There is no reason the step-parent should not sign the homework, or take the kids to the doctor, or do whatever else a parent might do.  Legally that may not be the situation, but if all involved are acting in the kids' interest, it's not a legal issue - the bioparent will delegate authority to the step-parent, and the step-parent will be a parent, while the kids are in that home.

I have lived this and it worked, and it was best for the kids.

Now, if one of the bioparents isn't willing to cooperate this way, it may not work, and that's the discussion here - how best to handle that.  Again, as a step-parent myself, if the ex tried to interfere in my helping the kids with their homework, I would not appreciate that and would not quit helping (though I can respect different ways to minimize the drama - all the suggestions here are valid if they work).

[oneflewover]

Matt, I don't know of any step-parent that is constitionally given half of the rights you mentioned.  And there is a reason for that. 

I personally would OBJECT whole heartedly to anyone outside of my child's father to have any kind of rights over my child.  And I 100% respect stepparents and know they can play a vital and healthy mentoring role in a child's life.  BUT THEY ARE NOT A PARENT.

And I think so often times there comes a sense of entitlement where BPD is involved with one of the parents where a step-parent feels they need to step in and fill this void.

The dad or the mom should be signing that homework.  No one else.  And if that was happening here, then the mother would NOT be reacting in the way that she is.  Not as a BPD, but rather as an incensed MOTHER.  Can we just face the truth here, this is not a BPD issue but a step parent one.

[Matt]

Matt, I don't know of any step-parent that is constitionally given half of the rights you mentioned.  And there is a reason for that. 

I personally would OBJECT whole heartedly to anyone outside of my child's father to have any kind of rights over my child.  And I 100% respect stepparents and know they can play a vital and healthy mentoring role in a child's life.  BUT THEY ARE NOT A PARENT.

And I think so often times there comes a sense of entitlement where BPD is involved with one of the parents where a step-parent feels they need to step in and fill this void.

The dad or the mom should be signing that homework.  No one else.  And if that was happening here, then the mother would NOT be reacting in the way that she is.  Not as a BPD, but rather as an incensed MOTHER.  Can we just face the truth here, this is not a BPD issue but a step parent one.

I didn't mean to suggest that I had any "rights" by any legal process - just that this is how we set up house when we got married.  It was the only way I knew how - didn't even consider another way - and for all the issues I had with my BPD ex, this was never one of them.  The kids clearly appreciate that I treat them as my kids, and to their great credit they have never put me into a bad spot with respect to the biodad.  (My SS's biodad isn't around, but my SD never did that from age 6 til today - 20 - which I think is a great credit to her).

Again, I'm not saying this will work for everybody, or that Ennie should do it this way.  I'm saying, all the adults involved should do their best to provide for the kids' needs, and if biomom is trying to interfere with stepmom's efforts to help the kids, well that's a darn shame, and I guess stepmom and biodad have to work together to manage the situation.

[oneflewover]

Can we not agree that a step-parent can completely set the BPD parent off?  Why yes.  And so if balance and harmony was the goal, for the kids sake, then why do things that infringes on the biological BPD's parent's toes?  Isn't that just asking for a reaction? 

We can blame it all on the BPD, and yes, that does play a role, but what about the role the step-parent is playing in contributing to it?     

[Matt]

Can we not agree that a step-parent can completely set the BPD parent off?  Why yes.  And so if balance and harmony was the goal, for the kids sake, then why do things that infringes on the biological BPD's parent's toes?  Isn't that just asking for a reaction? 

We can blame it all on the BPD, and yes, that does play a role, but what about the role the step-parent is playing in contributing to it?     

Well certainly a great question (for Ennie, and for each of us who find ourselves in situations of conflict) is:  What can I do, that will work out best for the kids?  The key phrase being, "What can I do?".

[DreamGirl]

We can blame it all on the BPD, and yes, that does play a role, but what about the role the step-parent is playing in contributing to it? 

What a great question to ask ourselves.

[oneflewover]

I don't want to come across as an insensitive one...I know how hard it is to interact with a disordered one, first hand.  Especially when it involves the welfare and interest of our children.  So often times, you are damned if you do and damned if don't.

I think it is what DG stated above earlier, "what would you do if you were in their shoes?"  Sometimes I think this question does not get pondered enough around here (or in the parenting section).  It's a question I ask myself when I deal with my ex.  I try really hard to look at things from his angles and perspective, albeit distorted, but it is his angle nonetheless.

As far as parenting goes, I just know this:  It does not feel good to even think about the idea of having another person "fill my shoes" and do my role, unless I give specific permission to.  It is just a respect thing.  I don't think any BPD parent here should be discounted in this department because of their disorder.  They should be given the same consideration as any other parent would be.  That is my beef.  Respect the parent, irregardless of their parenting abilities, or lack thereof.

My ex will always get this consideration.  And why?  Because "I" would want this consideration.

[Skip]

Just a quick request for everyone to stay on ennies (the hosts) topic.  Lots of interesting discussion, but if unrealted to the hosts questions, it would be best to start another thread.   

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[Matt]

To Skip's point, here's Ennie's initial post:

Just thought I would have some fun with something ridiculous...why does it get my goat that BPD mom of my SDs uses such juvenile, absurd, and embarrassing-to-her methods of trying to get to me? Who cares that she crosses out my initials on the kids' homework?  But it also feels so weird to have someone crossing out my signature, it is so violating in some odd way. I have sort of decided to just ignore her, maybe talk to the teacher about my involvement in general so that this does not become like last year, in which by the time we tried to talk to the teacher about how we were pushed away, the teacher had already sided with BPD...she is just so insidious.  It is like she knows just what to do that pushes our buttons but would appear so ridiculous if mentioned to anyone else as to make me seem petty and mean and jealous. 

Feedback?

It seems like part of this issue is, how many parents does the child have?

If the answer is, the child has two parents - biomom and biodad - then anything stepmom does might seem like usurping (double word score!) biomom's role.  That's a "fixed sum" view - adding something must take something else away.  Stepmom initialing the homework makes biomom feel lesser.

Another answer is, the child has as many parents as she has - in this case, at least three (biomom, biodad, and stepmom).  More is better because each is unique and brings something different.  What's critical is that the homework gets checked.

(And guess which view I hold?)

Ennie, I hope this is a helpful discussion for you.  If not, please feel free to point in the direction you'd rather take it.  As Skip suggests, our tradition here is that it's your thread - whoever initiated it - so if it goes in directions not helpful to you, please give us a nudge.

Best,

Matt

[Skip]

I do not think it is appropriate to make her feelings or actions seem normal to the kids.  One piece of feedback I have had from kids of BPD parents on this board and good friends who were raised with mentally ill people is that it is very important for the "sane" family to provide a reality check. One of the things I hear from kids of mentally ill people is how hard it is for them to trust their own inner sense. 

This is a very good point, ennie.

As far as how I dealt with it, SD9 and I were doing homework, and she said, "Okay, now you need to sign here and say how many I got right.  Oh...maybe daddy should do that."  We had been talking about the distinction between legal parents, biological parents, and day-to-day parenting, and I had explained when she wanted me to sign legal paperwork for her school that some things are for her mom and dad legally, some are their decision as they are her mom and dad (like surgery and what school she goes to) and some are just who is with her (like whether she gets ice cream).  So I took this as unrelated to mama's issues, just her trying to figure out my role.

This (above) is a great example of your specific point.

ennie, hey, she's being petty.  Any mother that cares about their child would be full of thanks anytime an adult or older child helps their child with their education.  She is not giving you the validation you deserve - and she should - but she's BPD and that very action invalidates her. That's why pwBPD they can't keep friends and lovers.

You're doing the right things here, IMHO.

Hang in there,

Skippy

[TCarlisle]

With due respect to the mod's, I didn't think it got that far off topic.

Ennie's initial post seems to imply that she feels this is a BPD issue, and that this specific act is just an example of many similar behaviors the BPD mom is doing to "get under her skin".

In the context of that original post, I took it to be a BPD issue. Also, since I personally don't find anything wrong with step mom helping with homework, I assumed that was the normal view. I was wrong, as clearly there are some that view this is a parental task only.

In any event, as a step parent I would expect the biomom to communicate with me or her ex, respectfully, to let me know I overstepped a bound. I wouldn't expect the biomom to react instead with this sort of passive-aggressive behavior.

So I would juts keep doing it. Partly because I don't find it inappropriate, partly because I find the biomom's way of handling it to be definitely inappropriate, and partly because I know it is the BPD nature to be extremely hostile towards anyone in a step parent role such as this.

But really, for the people here that feel the task is parental and stepping on toe's, wouldn't you simply communicate that and ask that your wishes be respected? If that was the scenario, I might even comply. But if I see a BPD'ish way of her handling it, I won't respond to that. I guess that is my boundary -- if it looks like BPD behavior, I don't respond to it because I try hard not to reward it.

So that is the answer to "What would you do?" for me.

[ennie]

Phew!  Walk away from one's post and look what happens!

In answer to one question, I would say that this is a BPD and step-parent issue.  Just like when dealing with folks' ex-spouses who are BPD, it is a relationship AND a BPD issue.  The difference for me is that in my world, the appropriate way of dealing with backhanded communication, especially if it involves the kids, is for the grown-ups to get over it and communicate.  If she cannot, I can.  I have found that direct, non-judgemental communication can really have amazing results.  I am not really interested in fitting the roles I am supposed to--being jealous because I am supposed to, or not talking to someone because they are mad at me. I have been friends with all my exes and their new partners--and my new partners have been friends with my exes.  I live in a small town.  We just do not have the option of never speaking again. 

So for me, if it were not a BPD ex, I would go to my partner's ex and say somethings like, "Hey, I have now interest in replacing you.  The kids will always have only one mama, and in no way do I ever want to do anything that harms that relationship. What can I do to help you to know that?  How am I being that helps you to be supported, and how am I being that is painful or disempowering to you?  I do not want to do anything that makes you feel small or less than totally okay.  At the same time, I do pick up the kids from school one day a week, and we do not really have time in the schedule to wait until daddy gets home from work at 6:3 or 7 to do homework. I am sure you can relate to having a tight schedule!  So how would you like this handled?"

I have entered into numerous touchy situations with this attitude and found it very effective. I also observe that every couple in this small community who has been divorced in the past 1-5 years has come to a place of cooperation in their relationship, with the exception of a couple in which the husband became involved with a mentally ill woman who is now lives with him and kids half time.  Maybe our community is the exception, but I think in small towns, you sort of have to get over it. 

I am know to be one of the more willing to get over it of my neighbors, here, one of the most diplomatic and able to accept people even when I am being attacked in a person way.  I just mediated a dispute in which I was initially targeted by an angry neighbor as a mean person, and when I spoke with her to clear the problem up, she asked that I help her to work things out with the other 50 affected neighbors. This has been successful so far. 

I have likewise been extremely open to my partner's BPD ex and her needs. I have never attended any school events without her saying it was okay, and have thus never been to one of her older daughter's school meetings, events, or ever sat down in a meeting with her teachers.  I have never initiated attending any school functions without an invitation from BPD or the school/teacher.  I was invited by her and the teacher  to a number of meetings, at the one of which I attended she pitched a fit when I showed, acting as if she had not been the one to invite me.  The meeting was canceled, and I made clear to all involved that I did not need to be there if it was hard for BPD, but she had invited me, so I did attend.  She has then proceeded to tell all the kids teachers since, the kids therapist, and all who will listen that I am trying to play mom, trying to take over her role, etc.  I have not once invited myself to anything, and she has consistently invited me...then denied that she did.  So until now, I have just entirely backed off.  That also resulted in an even greater fit than ever before, including death threats, etc.  So the frustration for me is that it seems to be that me doing nothing, me being polite, or me being there, all seem to get the EXACT SAME reaction, only more intense the less she has to do with me.  BPD actually likes me when she sees me, and tells me she loves me. 

The truth is that I do not think it is my actions that trigger her.  It is my existence. 

Dreamgirl, if it were you as my SDs mom, this just would not be an issue.  You would have a problem with it, you would contact me or ask my mate to, I would call back and say, "Hey, I totally agree that you guys should be the main ones doing homework, but I do it sometimes when SD wants that, does that work for you?"  And you would feel honored as the mama, and you would SEE that I do not want to override you.  You might say,"You know, this divorce has really been painful, and it is hard for me to see my husband doing less work with the kids than me, and still having equal rights." And I would ask how could I help with that.  You would offer a suggestion, I would agree, because even if motivated by hard feelings, not your most loving self, I would understand that it is important to care for each other even when we feel small, and that I do not want anyone feeling small due to my actions. 

If I was petty and controlling, I could make it an issue.  But I do not care about who signs the homework. 

What I care about is that when mama deals with her feelings by being sneaky, indirect, making demands of the kids, and when her direct communication with us is death threats and telling her husband that he will always be her husband, that she will never let him marry me, and when most of this is through the kids or told to them, they learn some very problematic ways of dealing with the very natural feeling of being hurt, feeling left out, or fearing that you will be replaced. I see the kids coming back from their moms hitting more, lying about who did what, making up stories, being mean to one friend and telling another she is the best friend, hiding stuff from us and their mom.  This stuff is normal kid stuff to a degree, but the manipulation that their mom goes through to get what she wants creates a miserable life for her and leaves her feeling totally alienated, unloved, and unlovable, and sometimes suicidal.  I do not want that for my SDs, and I would not want that for any child. 

I do not think that means that I need to be intolerant when the kids "misbehave,"  but I do think it means that my partner and I have extra work to do to help the kids know that it is not that no-one loves you when you are angry and hurtful to people you love, but that being willing to harm others rather than asking in a positive way for what you want does have consequences. 

With signing the homework, I think I am going to ask my SD what she would prefer, and then talk to the teacher about my role, as last year not being at all involved was a disaster. 

I know it is hard for "normal" moms to understand this situation.  The hard part to get is that over the past 2.5 years, I have done EVERYTHING (well, most everything) "right," first asking permission, then not being involved as it seemed my asking was inflammatory, then apologizing, then not being involved directly, then...all the options.  None of that has made a bit of difference, except that the less contact I have with BPD, the more she directs rage at me.  But when I have more contact, she directs more rage at her ex, so it is six of one. 

For me, it is most important to me that I model for the kids that it is okay to love someone for who they are without needing to but into their fears and anger--that they do not have to be on their mom or dad's "side" to love them, that there really are no sides.  That people do sneaky and angry things when they are afraid, not because they are bad.  And that my SD9, who mimics each friend and flip-flops on everything to make anyone she is with happy, can be free to check out how SHE feels in all of this and do what feels right to her. 

So that is where I am coming from.  And I am pretty clear about that with the kids.  If it was clear that me doing a particular thing would reduce conflict, then I would do that for the kids' sake, unless it was something VERY important to me.  But the kids have seen me offer again and again to do it the way mama wants.  To hug mama, and to love her, and to be there for her to the best of my ability.  And they see most everyone in their lives doing what mama wants to avoid stress.  I am concerned that this pattern places especially SD9 at risk for being in abusive relationships as an adult and for not leaving a dangerous situation as a child. 

In hearing from kids of BPD people, two things really stood out for me.  One is adults saying that because no one ever acknowledged that all was not right with mama, they did not know if they were crazy.  Everyone pretending mama was fine was very disorienting for them.  Another is hearing how hard it is to feel entitled to take care of yourself rather than your crazy mom (this I hear from kids of all kinds of mentally ill people). 

So I am interested in modeling that it is okay to make your own choice, to have the other person be upset, to have compassion and even to be flexible, and still love that person and be open to them.  You do not have to be coerced to be loved, or to comply to feel good about yourself. 

I truly do not feel that I have an option that will reduce conflict.  BPD's conflict with me and my partner has to do with the progression of their custody issue in court, with the ups and downs of her relations with her boyfriends and sugar daddies, with the course of her alcoholism, and other factors over which I have no control.  While my initials may be a "trigger," something else would be if not the initials.  At least the initials are something concrete that alert me to her reaction. 

It is very hard as a regular mom, I think, to understand the relationship between kids and step parents, but as many of you are also steps, I think that you know that the relationship between steps and kids of mentally ill folk is very different than other step relationships.  I have read a lot and talked to many over the past 2.5 years of this, and see pretty consistent differences there...not in all cases, of course, but often. 

Also, as BPD people have highly unstable relationships, they are likely to be divorced at some point.  So steps WILL often be a BPD issue; and as 75% of BPD population are women, many dads will be in the place of having to earn income and be parents...and have new steps in the picture who then take some parenting burden.  So all of this is both a step and a BPD issue. 

For me, the main thing I have learned about step-parenting is that unlike parenting, what I do really has to work for me and for the kids, or it will not work for any of us.  It is not enough to be here to get loved...I need to be good for them, too.  So if it is not good for me to insist on something, I will know about it and know I need to change course. 

Whether the issue comes up with initials or other things, the lesson I am working on with the kids is that their mom is totally okay for who she is, and they can love her no matter what, and be loved by her no matter what, without needing in any way to be controlled by her games.  Also, that when you ask directly for what you want in a loving way, whether or not you get it, the result is usually happier than if you fear that you will not get it so attack and manipulate.  And part of teaching that less and learning that lesson, in my life experience, involves being willing make the choice that feels best to you, and change if it feels good to change, but not to just give in when others' bully.  And also not to bully. 

So I did not erase mama's initials over my own.  I just asked her daughter if it was okay with her for me to initial, as I was the one that day to review her homework, and she said yes, so I did.  That's it. 

I think that helps my SD feel powerful in a good way.  She has a choice, but she also has me modeling a behavior that is a little scary for her and maybe inappropriate at her age. 

Another recent incident was that I caught her hiding something so mama could sign it, and I suggested that she really ought to ask her dad to let her mom do that with her, rather than hiding stuff from her dad.  That her dad would support her needs, support her in having special time and things with mama, but that hiding and sneaking might work less.  When she is with us a for a few days, she is very willing to be open in asking for things that would help mama, but the day she comes back from mama, she does not believe we support her relationship with mama because mama has this whole other reality she shoves down the kids' throats. 

I guess the long and short of what I want you all to get, and especially the moms in the crowd, is that I HAVE been doing my best to not trigger a reaction, but that is not working.  It is frustrating to be invited by BPD to a meeting, then to have her use it against me for YEARS as if I initiated the thing in the first place.  I would rather have GONE to the meeting on my own, as NOT going has been just as destructive. 

So it is only after 2.5 years of trying not to trigger that I am willing to put my initials down in the first place.  I am part of this stuff, now.  How I am a part is dependent on my SDs and me and my partner and the courts, but I am a part.  And my partner has asked his daughters how they feel about me marrying him, me being their step mom, and they say, "YES!"  They also get where I am coming from when I say "no" to their mom sometimes, they get that I love her and that she is not in charge of me.  She is their mom, not mine, so she has to ask nice and work it out to get what she wants from me.  Unless I just want to do the thing she wants cause I want to.  But I do not HAVE to just because she is upset with me.  I do not resist her because she is upset, nor do I comply just because she is upset.  I just try to do what feels right.  That seems like a good thing for the kids, as they get closer to me when I do that, and more distant when I buckle.  Trial and error. 

PS  I really like you all and feel like this forum was right on point the whole time, even those that said "stay on point." 

Love you guys. 

Ennie. 

PPS.  Dreamgirl, you are never alone.  I do not think we are diametrically opposed here...just in two different places in the cycle.  I do tend to be an appeaser, too, despite all my talk.   It kills me that there is nothing I can do to make her feel at ease about my existence...but you know, I  just can't.  So respect for her has got to be on my terms, in my values system, because hers is way to arbitrary, confused and self-defeating for me to follow her rules, even when they do seem "normal" (until she reverses herself two days later...).

[Matt]

I'll contact the Guinness people...

[dutchie]

Hi guys, Skip you quoted me before but that was not me who wrote what you quoted?

Quote from TCarlisle: "And when this matter of who signs the homework has passed, it will be something else. If ennie is always giving up these power struggles, the she will end up being powerless."

I just wanted to comment on this, after I spent an hour reading everything 

I agree that for Ennie to not sign the homework, is giving up a powerstruggle. However this does not mean she will be powerless, I really disagree with that. She can still help the children and they can still benefit exactly the same when she doesn't sign. The signing has nothing to do with what the kids will get from this. The focus is on the skids, not BM.

Also I'd like to comment on Ennie's earlier response to my initial writing; I've never pretended with the skids that BM's behavior is normal and that was not my advice to you either, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I never do that myself and I would not recommend it either. Yes the skids need validating of their own feelings and thoughts, and learn that BM's behavior is not normal. I agree with all that. But they will, they'll see the difference between both places and they will learn, that will happen, even without saying anything because actions speak louder than words.

If you tell SD that you understand that BM might be upset because you are not their mom but you do sign their homework, you are not validating BM's actions, you are merely showing SD that you are not worried or upset about it. That is important for SD because it takes the pressure of her. And that is all that matters. And because SD is so young still I really think this is the best way for SD's sake. It's age appropriate. You have to choose your battles. This is a small thing, it's not worth worrying about. In other instances BM might do something that does need to be addressed more specific, but not always.

For example when BM (our BM) passed out drunk and forgot to pick up the skids; who were 8 and 10 at the time, they waited an hour and then walked home. When we heard about it we did say that that is not normal behavior and that drinking too much is not good for anybody. But then we focused on the skids and how they felt, what they did and we praised them for being honest with us. (Of course we did try and get BM some help as well but that is a whole other story and not the point of this thread)

My point is that it is best to focus on the skids, and if you can choose what is easiest for them (in this case it's such a small issue) than that is best for you and your family. Keep the focus on yourself and your family, that is one of the biggest lessons I've learned, and you'll be amazed how much influence you'll have, really. x

[DreamGirl]

I agree that for Ennie to not sign the homework, is giving up a powerstruggle. However this does not mean she will be powerless...

I really like this dutchie... giving up a powerstruggle doesn't make you powerless. That's a very profound thought.

I think that we all are powerful in each of our situations, always trying to find that balance. Just like Ennie, we are constantly trying to figure out when to sacrifice, when to be the bigger person, and when to put your foot down and say I won't accept being treated this way. It's difficult because even with the best of intentions, we are capable of causing contention. In the end, we all just love these kids and want what's best for them.

 x    x

[Skip]

Hi guys, Skip you quoted me before but that was not me who wrote what you quoted?

That was ennies quote -  don't know what happened there.  Sorry!

[Matt]

It can get easier as the kids get older, if they develop strong personalities themselves.  You never want to put them in the middle or make them referees, but often I find I can just deal with the kid and work things out fine - find a good solution we can make happen - and the BPD sufferer is not always part of the dynamic.

You might not be at that point yet, because of the kids' ages, and because their biomom may be very sensitive to your role...

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