What would you do?

[Think About It....]

Okay, so here is how this has panned out so far. First time the kids brought it up, I just signed the homework, after asking if that worked for SD9. Yesterday, I took SD9 out to a cafe and shared a smoothie while she did her homework and read to me.  I did not sign, and on the ride home, casually asked her if she wanted me to sign it, or to show her dad her work when he got home and have him sign it.  She chose to have him sign it. 

I think this all was good, as I did not back down to BPD BMs manipulative manner, but then came back to directly asking SD what she wanted, but in a no-pressure way that was not in the context of the kids bringing up mama's behavior.  Also, it gave dad a chance to be involved on his day when he gets home too late for homework, so he knows how she is doing and is not signing just to sign.  I guess it is important to me, partly as an attorney, to not sign things you do not read.  I do think it is important for the kids to get the message that it is not okay to fake it, as mama mostly fakes it.  So now the procedure is that on days where I help my sd with her work, daddy checks it later and signs it.  I think my SD really appreciated getting that choice, and I feel like the fact that I did not cave in first helped reinforce the sense that while I am willing to be flexible, mama's upset alone is not enough to make me change my ways...but the kids preferences, stated politely, are. 


Thanks for all your feedback.  I know this has been a giant discussion, but I truly appreciate all of it. 

Love,

Ennie

[ennie]

Okay, so here is how this has panned out so far. First time the kids brought it up, I just signed the homework, after asking if that worked for SD9. Yesterday, I took SD9 out to a cafe and shared a smoothie while she did her homework and read to me.  I did not sign, and on the ride home, casually asked her if she wanted me to sign it, or to show her dad her work when he got home and have him sign it.  She chose to have him sign it. 

I think this all was good, as I did not back down to BPD BMs manipulative manner, but then came back to directly asking SD what she wanted, but in a no-pressure way that was not in the context of the kids bringing up mama's behavior.  Also, it gave dad a chance to be involved on his day when he gets home too late for homework, so he knows how she is doing and is not signing just to sign.  I guess it is important to me, partly as an attorney, to not sign things you do not read.  I do think it is important for the kids to get the message that it is not okay to fake it, as mama mostly fakes it.  So now the procedure is that on days where I help my sd with her work, daddy checks it later and signs it.  I think my SD really appreciated getting that choice, and I feel like the fact that I did not cave in first helped reinforce the sense that while I am willing to be flexible, mama's upset alone is not enough to make me change my ways...but the kids preferences, stated politely, are. 


Thanks for all your feedback.  I know this has been a giant discussion, but I truly appreciate all of it. 

Love,

Ennie

[Matt]

Seems like you found a solution you feel good about - practical and sensible - and OK for SD and her dad too.  Good for you!

Best,

Matt

[problemfamily]

ennie - you amaze me. I hope I can someday get where you are on some of this stuff. Thanks for sharing, especially the update.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[DreamGirl]

ennie girl... 

I'm so happy that it just worked itself out... and everyone seems to be content.

 x

DreamGirl

[Skip]

 

[dutchie]

Good on ya!

[Mousse]

Great way to resolve this, ennie!

[ForeverDad]

One piece of feedback I have had from kids of BPD parents on this board and good friends who were raised with mentally ill people is that it is very important for the "sane" family to provide a reality check.  One of the things I hear from kids of mentally ill people is how hard it is for them to trust their own inner sense.

We had been talking about the distinction between legal parents, biological parents, and day-to-day parenting, and I had explained when she wanted me to sign legal paperwork for her school that some things are for her mom and dad legally, some are their decision as they are her mom and dad (like surgery and what school she goes to) and some are just who is with her (like whether she gets ice cream)...  I said, "Oh, I should do that because I am the one who did the homework with you, so I am signing to say I saw it," and SD5 said, "Sometimes mama gets really mad when you sign it and crosses out your name and puts hers.  I do not know why she does that. She gets mad."  So I said, "Yeah, that seems kind of silly, doesn't it. I am not sure why, either.  I am just signing this because I am actually the one doing homework with you, and she can sign it the way she wants when she is with you.  That is okay. At mama's house, she gets to do it mama's way."

I feel like this was not a perfect response, but okay.  My ideal is not to make mama wrong, but not to normalize her behavior either.  To let the girls know it is okay to love and accept their mom without making her right.  That SD5 can not understand her mom, but still love her.  She does understand mama is mad because I am close to them, but she does not understand why, given that it is obvious to them that I am totally in support of mama being their mama, that mama thinks I want to be mama.  I think being mystified by that is appropriate.  Acting like normal jealousy or typical step-mom/mom dynamics are responsible for their mom's rages does not seem truthful to me...  I do not want to act like we are right and mom is wrong, but I do not want to normalize her behavior or attitudes.  If I stick with my perception, being flexible and not too self-righteous, the kids have different options to choose from. I think that is good.  It is only when I blame her or hold it against BPD that the kids are put in the middle.  When they are angry at mama, I always try to help them see it from her perspective, too.  Without buying into the "poor mama" story.

I like much of what you wrote.  The children have a hard time getting validation of their perceptions of right and wrong, proper and improper when they have a parent that is emotionally and behaviorally "all over the map" and insisting on the BP's own emotional perceptions over reality or saying one thing one minute and the opposite thing the next.

[stepmommy]

The step parents helping the kids with school work drives the BPDmoms crazy!  I got screamed at in a teacher/parent conference for being there with my husband.  The teacher stood up for me and BPD just really looked bad.

My Step Daughter has an art project due in two weeks and wanted to do it at our house because I do a lot of painting and she enjoys learning from me.  Well BPDmom is demanding that the artwork goes to her house so she can also help her with it too.  It's just a little water color painting for a ten year old.  BPDmom wants husband to drive it to her (25 mile round trip) so she can work on it with SD this weekend.  Crazy thing is that daughter has 5 custody days with us before it is due so there is not hurry for her to work on it this weekend. 

I know it drives this women crazy that SD and I have been doing a lot of painting together this summer (comments she had made to SD).  It's this kind of behavior that is driving her daughter away.  Instead of taking time to find things that bond her with her daughter she spends more energy trying to break the bonds that the child has at our home. 

It's really sad for SD because I know that BPDmom went on for hours about how she needs to do the painting there and how crappy her dad is that he won't drive it to her.  (dad is out of town, but BPDmom doesn't believe it and I sure am not going to drive it there).

She should just get some paper out and start painting with her daughter!  Instead she writes thiese emails about how we don't co-parent with her and this is an example of what bad parents we are...bla bla bla.   It's just a fun painting!  It's not like it her final history report that is a big part of her grade! 
Poor kid had to listen to her go off all night.