Friends with his EX?

[Think About It...]

I'm contemplating the possibility of being friends with my BF's ex.   Here's the scenario.   BF and his ex were together 17 years.  EX left my BF.  EX and BF are friends and have a business together.  Generally she got the business he got the house but business does cause them to still communicate.  She is definitely interested in winning him back if it were possible. 

BF and I have had several discussions about how I have a thing against his EX and he wishes for us all to be kind to one another.  He doesn't wish mediate between us.  I've reverted to saying I don't have anything against his EX and I too wish we could all be cordial as that would be nice.  She (ex) claims she can accept me.  He tells me that he has told her for them to continue being friends she needs to accept me and also be friendly with me.   She told him she could do that.  So this week he asked her to friend me on FB.  Her reply was that she talked to her counselor and her counselor thinks that it wouldn't be in her best interest to do so at this time.  Why would a counselor think this?

Should I try to reach out to her?

[eeyore]

I'm contemplating the possibility of being friends with my BF's ex.   Here's the scenario.   BF and his ex were together 17 years.  EX left my BF.  EX and BF are friends and have a business together.  Generally she got the business he got the house but business does cause them to still communicate.  She is definitely interested in winning him back if it were possible. 

BF and I have had several discussions about how I have a thing against his EX and he wishes for us all to be kind to one another.  He doesn't wish mediate between us.  I've reverted to saying I don't have anything against his EX and I too wish we could all be cordial as that would be nice.  She (ex) claims she can accept me.  He tells me that he has told her for them to continue being friends she needs to accept me and also be friendly with me.   She told him she could do that.  So this week he asked her to friend me on FB.  Her reply was that she talked to her counselor and her counselor thinks that it wouldn't be in her best interest to do so at this time.  Why would a counselor think this?

Should I try to reach out to her?

[truefriend]

I'm thinking the counselor thinks it would be a set-back for her. She needs to move on and not become involved in your lives. Friendly conversation in passing when needed due to the business is one thing but to become chatty is something else. I also don't think it would be good for you. I also would not reach out. This woman does not need to become involved in your lives. I think to do so would be a recipe for disaster. Honestly, you can't trust her not to lie about you. After all, her main objective is to get him back... x

[DragoN]

She is definitely interested in winning him back if it were possible. 

And she's the one that left him?

So this week he asked her to friend me on FB.

FB drama? Why even go there?
*slams head into wall*

She will do whatever she will do.
He will do whatever he will do.

They get together behind your back or they don't. Being 'friends' with her is not going to guarantee you anything.

She (ex) claims she can accept me.

Who cares if she does or not? He's with you, or he isn't.

Her reply was that she talked to her counselor and her counselor thinks that it wouldn't be in her best interest to do so at this time.  Why would a counselor think this?

Who knows?

These triad relationships give me a headache just thinking about them. Were there kids involved...different story.

business does cause them to still communicate.

Leave it at business and forget about it. Request same from your BF.

[eeyore]

Yes she left him.

So then I would say that there is no reason for HIM to be friends with HER if she can't be accepting of me.  He's told her that for them to continue a friendship she has to stop excluding me. 

[eeyore]

I'm thinking the counselor thinks it would be a set-back for her. She needs to move on and not become involved in your lives. Friendly conversation in passing when needed due to the business is one thing but to become chatty is something else. I also don't think it would be good for you. I also would not reach out. This woman does not need to become involved in your lives. I think to do so would be a recipe for disaster. Honestly, you can't trust her not to lie about you. After all, her main objective is to get him back... x

Well why would the counselor advise her to keep being friends with him if she's trying to move on?

I understand you opinion about reaching out to her. 

[JoannaK]

eeyore, what is your definition of "friend"?  What does that word mean to you... outside of Facebook?

What kind of relationship do you want with her?  Do you want to go out for coffee and chit chat?  Have lunch together?  Do you want her to be somebody that you talk to when you have concerns about things going on in your life?

There is a difference between being "civil", being "friendly", being a "friend", and being an "acquaintance".  What do these words mean to you and what do you want?

Why would you really want to be her friend if you really feel that she is interested in getting back with your h romantically?

And it doesn't seem as though there is any reason for your h to be friends with her... only business acquaintances.  But if he needs to have a business relationship with her, you really have no way of controlling what they do or say. 

[eeyore]

My definition of friends is that we can be cordial to one another.  On occassion we could see her among mutal friends and to not have to aviod places she goes or we go.  It's his desire that we all be able to get along.  I'm ok with that I'm friends with my ex but we don't get together.  On occassion we exchange an e-mail relative to our families or something going on of importance.  My ex is now married and has kid(s).  I'd send his wife a hello as I'm no threat to her.  I'd send them a Christmas card.  BF's ex wishes him a Merry Christmas, New Years, etc but never addresses the correspondence to us. 

I'd personally be happy to have her totally out of our lives.  The problem is that she's causing issues between my BF and me.  If I raise the issue of things she has done then we argue.  For example telling everyone that she still loves him and she made a mistake of leaving him and they are going to be back together he just doesn't know it yet is an issue with me.  He can't make her stop doing these things.  He also does want to remain friends with her as they split up amicably. 

So now what's the appropriate thing for me to do? 

Are there any options in addition to these:

Option 1.  Tell him he can't be friends with her and be with me?
Option 2.  Do nothing, say nothing?
Option 3.  Try to extend kindness as to create the most goodwill with him as I did my part?

[Dustoff]

e,

I am an aquaintance with my ex's H.  After the fact I'm not sure it is a good idea.  I think
it will be nothing but a problem for you..  Be civil if you run into her and leave it at that.  You know she
has said she wanted him back.  I would keep distance.  I Have also been friends with ex'x Sister anf BNL.
Not sure that is even a good idea.  Even though I have told them I don't want to discuss ex it seems
like her name always comes up.  I have had limited contact with ex but have not seen since Jun.

Dusty

[ifsogirl26]

I think it is wise and resonable to let your BF know that you are not comfortable with being anything but polite to her if circumstances happen to put you in close contact like being at a concert at the same time or something.
I personally would feel very uncomfortable and "jealous" even.
I would say that she needs to be a very minimal part of his life and even smaller part of your life. They are not together, have no kids and should only relate on a business level IMO.
She really shouldn't be causing conflict for you two. If she is then it is HIS issue. He IS the the go between. He is the one with history with her, not you.
He wants to keep her as a friend but we all know that she is not a friend. I have a guy friend and I am very careful to include his wife in everything so I am not seen as a threat and I am welcome in their lives. See its THEIR life and I am invited only.
If I was not respectful then I shouldn't be allowed to have a friendship with HER husband. See, this is YOUR relationship and she is not welcome because she has underlying motives and is not respectful of YOU.

[DragoN]

So now what's the appropriate thing for me to do?

Are there any options in addition to these:

Option 1.  Tell him he can't be friends with her and be with me?
Option 2.  Do nothing, say nothing?
Option 3.  Try to extend kindness as to create the most goodwill with him as I did my part?

Eeyore...you realize on some fundamental level that this whole scenario is straight out of Junior high School don't you?

He is an adult. She is an adult. You are an adult. What to do?

Nothing.

You can't control one darn aspect of this whole mess.

You stated in another post you wanted a friendship with this woman to "ease you",...that's just NOT going to happen.

She doesn't HAVE TO be cordial to you,...so what? Her behavior is her choice. As is yours and his. There are TWO not THREE in your relationship...perhaps you should focus on that. Worry about yourself and your own conduct...she's going to do and say whatever she wants...irrelevant.

[eeyore]

I think it is wise and resonable to let your BF know that you are not comfortable with being anything but polite to her if circumstances happen to put you in close contact like being at a concert at the same time or something.
I personally would feel very uncomfortable and "jealous" even.
I would say that she needs to be a very minimal part of his life and even smaller part of your life. They are not together, have no kids and should only relate on a business level IMO.
She really shouldn't be causing conflict for you two. If she is then it is HIS issue. He IS the the go between. He is the one with history with her, not you.
He wants to keep her as a friend but we all know that she is not a friend. I have a guy friend and I am very careful to include his wife in everything so I am not seen as a threat and I am welcome in their lives. See its THEIR life and I am invited only.
If I was not respectful then I shouldn't be allowed to have a friendship with HER husband. See, this is YOUR relationship and she is not welcome because she has underlying motives and is not respectful of YOU.

I agree.  But it's his desire that she be a part of our life.  He agrees she does things that are not right but he can't change what she does.  Ok I can do my side.  He told her she has to be accepting of me for them to be "friends".  She said she could do that by being at a minimum open to me rather than exluding me.  However, what she said she could do and what she is doing aren't the same.  And now he can't say I'm at all part of the problem to acheiving what HE wants.  It's all put back on HER. Now if she can't accept me then he has to make good on what he told her which was if she can't then they can't be friends which would be perfectly FINE with me. 

[eeyore]

She doesn't HAVE TO be cordial to you,...so what? Her behavior is her choice. As is yours and his. There are TWO not THREE in your relationship...perhaps you should focus on that. Worry about yourself and your own conduct...she's going to do and say whatever she wants...irrelevant.

He told her if she wants to continue being friends then she does have to be cordial to me.  So if she can't accept me as part of his life then  doesn't that means he will end their friendship?  And I have reason to request that he stop being friends.   

[oneflewover]

I'm thinking the counselor thinks it would be a set-back for her. She needs to move on and not become involved in your lives. Friendly conversation in passing when needed due to the business is one thing but to become chatty is something else. I also don't think it would be good for you. I also would not reach out. This woman does not need to become involved in your lives. I think to do so would be a recipe for disaster. Honestly, you can't trust her not to lie about you. After all, her main objective is to get him back... x

Hi miss eeyore...

I am going to piggyback truefriend here on what she wrote above.

Why do you think he wants you to be more than just respectful polite aquaintances here?  I know you mentioned that he does not want to mediate...does he really think this will go away if you two become actual friends?  

[truefriend]

If she is not cordial to you and respectful, then yes, he should make good on what he told her. I would wait until such a time as that happened and then bring it up. I would tell him, "she has not done what she said and has dissed me. Therefore, I won't extend anymore civilities to her and I would hope you would do what you said you would do. Apparantly, that wasn't her intention with you after all."

[DragoN]

So if she can't accept me as part of his life then  doesn't that means he will end their friendship?  And I have reason to request that he stop being friends.   

The boundary issue here is yours Eeyore.

1. He chooses to remain friends with her. What will you DO?
2. He chooses NOT to remain friends with her. What will you DO?
^^ we know the answer to #2...= no worries. It's #1 that causes you grief...

The grief here is self inflicted. Do you see that?

[eeyore]

I'm thinking the counselor thinks it would be a set-back for her. She needs to move on and not become involved in your lives. Friendly conversation in passing when needed due to the business is one thing but to become chatty is something else. I also don't think it would be good for you. I also would not reach out. This woman does not need to become involved in your lives. I think to do so would be a recipe for disaster. Honestly, you can't trust her not to lie about you. After all, her main objective is to get him back... x

Hi miss eeyore...

I am going to piggyback truefriend here on what she wrote above.

Why do you think he wants you to be more than just respectful polite aquaintances here?  I know you mentioned that he does not want to mediate...does he really think this will go away if you two become actual friends?  

Yes he does.  He's a guy.  ie doesn't understand girls.

[DragoN]

Yes he does.  He's a guy.  ie doesn't understand girls.

he's a hypocrite...were the shoe on the other foot...he'd be singing a different tune. I'd put money on it.

[eeyore]

So if she can't accept me as part of his life then  doesn't that means he will end their friendship?  And I have reason to request that he stop being friends.   

The boundary issue here is yours Eeyore.

1. He chooses to remain friends with her. What will you DO?
2. He chooses NOT to remain friends with her. What will you DO?
^^ we know the answer to #2...= no worries. It's #1 that causes you grief...

The grief here is self inflicted. Do you see that?

If he chooses to remain friends with her then I will tell him I think it's harmful to our relationship.  It's unhealthy for her as she isn't moving on with life and it's not helping her with her depression.  I'll continue to live my life. But at that point he can't blame me for his pipe dream of us all being friends is in any way due to me.  I could be friendly towards her. 

[oneflewover]

I'm thinking the counselor thinks it would be a set-back for her. She needs to move on and not become involved in your lives. Friendly conversation in passing when needed due to the business is one thing but to become chatty is something else. I also don't think it would be good for you. I also would not reach out. This woman does not need to become involved in your lives. I think to do so would be a recipe for disaster. Honestly, you can't trust her not to lie about you. After all, her main objective is to get him back... x

Hi miss eeyore...

I am going to piggyback truefriend here on what she wrote above.

Why do you think he wants you to be more than just respectful polite aquaintances here?  I know you mentioned that he does not want to mediate...does he really think this will go away if you two become actual friends?  

Yes he does.  He's a guy.  ie doesn't understand girls.

Okay, I busted a gut with that one eeyore!

Dumb question oneflew!  He may very well come to regret such a suggestion.  Hell you two may start comparing notes or something?  HA!

I just think this is all nonsense really on his part.  You do not have to be friends with his ex...period.  And I am sorry, he is insulting you some here to imply that you can't maintain a respectful distance with her.  Cause you have!  I am beginning to think he is more worried about her, andher lack of boundaries, etc. than he is about you and so to solve the matter he is counting on you, the balanced one, to iron out the kinks here.  

[DragoN]

You do not have to be friends with his ex...period. And I am sorry, he is insulting you some here to imply that you can't maintain a respectful distance with her.  Cause you have!  I am beginning to think he is more worried about her, andher lack of boundaries, etc. than he is about you and so to solve the matter he is counting on you, the balanced one, to iron out the kinks here.

Flatten those kinks for him.

What's the worst he can do? Leave you?