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Author Topic: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long?  (Read 18604 times)
unknown
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« on: October 30, 2009, 08:09:07 PM »

anyone have a BPD ex girlfriend come back to them after they made it seem like the relationship was done forever and there dating another man? my BPD girlfriend broke up with me and is dating another man. i dont think shes really into the guy but just using him to get me jealous. shes had feelings for me for about a year and a half and i was her first for everything and weve been very close. she broke up with me out of nowhere, when the day before she was saying she was 100% happy with our relationship and that she wanted me to date her for years to come.  anyone ever have a BPD ex girlfriend who broke up with them suddenly for no reason and moved on to another man but came back to them? how long does it usually take? 

oh yea i havent been contacting her at all since she broke up with me, no texting, deleted her myspace and facebook, no phone calls... because everytime i talked to her she would get very angry at me and say hurtful things so i was recommended by her friends to give her space.
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Hop Head
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« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2009, 08:49:36 PM »

Your story smacks of mine. My girl and I have been broken up since the beginning of this month, and we've had absolutely NC since Monday night. She is supposedly seeing another guy (although he lives out of state, and she's never met him in person!).

Anyway, we did kind of split up once before. Things were a bit rough and so one night I sent her a text saying I thought we should have lunch the next day to discuss some things. She never texted me back, but the next morning I get an e-mail she had sent 15 minutes after my text. Basically she said she didn't think things were going to work out, that it would be best if we quit while we were ahead, she was sorry she had to do it via e-mail, etc.

I responded by sending her an e-mail saying I thought things could work out if we just were more sensitive of one another's feelings and communicated better. We talked on the phone. For a few days I didn't know where I stood with her because she was still taking my calls, even though she seemed aggravated by me, but eventually she sent me a text saying she would be busy Thursday and Friday but would be available Saturday. (It's amazing how they can swing from being split up with you to being back together like nothing happened.)

So yes, in my (limited) experience and from what I've read, they seem to come crawling back in general. Of course that doesn't mean yours (or mine) will. I'm praying for both of us. x

P.S. I have been contacting her since we broke up more than she was comfortable with, and I was causing her stress. Monday she basically told me to leave her alone completely. May not sound harsh, but coming from her that was brutal. So I'm just gonna hold off, and hope for the best. I think it's important to strike at the right time, so to speak. You want to give them just enough time where they miss you before you contact them (if they don't do it first).
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unknown
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« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2009, 10:54:06 PM »

well she is either compleley into this new guy, or shes trying to make me jelous...im not sure which. is this common for a person with BPD to do this? im so confused. she went from saying 3 weeks ago this kid was ugly and im better in every way and hes just a fallback guy for if i broke up with her.   but shes acting strangley happy that shes dating him and making it totally obvious which she never did while dating me after 6 months. shes been with him for about a week so far. i dont know much about BPD but do they tend to do things like this? if shes actully into this new guy im just gonna force myself to move on.
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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2009, 03:16:32 AM »

Oh guys i hear you and know how you feel it sucks bad!

I'm 3 weeks NC with my angelBPDGF atm.
Been together 16 months, she suggested we break up 3 weeks ago, i said if thats what you want... she said NO way...dont put this on me...YOU DO IT...i said babe i love you i dont want us the break up..i want us to work on the relationship.
She replied " thats right be a selfish prick and keep me here!"

Not sure what that meant, my head made up 10 different reasons.

Did she mean it
Does she still want that, if thats what she wanted
Was it a test to see if i would leave her
Saying things like,I love you..i want to spend my life with you and talking of marriage, does this trigger Engulfment fears, he's getting to close so push him away, if i let him get to close the pain when he leaves will be greater...push him away?

AAARRGGHGHGHGHGH

Still has keys to my place and shes sent 2 text in that time, ive sent a couple of emails, about various things, but giving her space, i know with her when push comes to shove and shes put on the spot or given an ultimatum she will reply in the negative, It hurts like hell to be in limbo land not knowing if the one you love is coming back,i mean if she wasnt she would have told me to f-off and stop texting/emailing right...and dropped my keys back? there isnt anyone else as far as i know.
But from what I've learned on this forum if i push for answers, if i push to see her i will push her away and loose her, which is not what i want.

I know that during this time she will be regulating and looking after herself, i dont see it as punishment, its her protecting us. She also is struggling to work and us a lot of other crap to deal with, i wish i could be there to help. I respect her for looking after herself, i see her growing.

This feeling of powerlessness around the one i love is crushing, i just want to hold her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right, i will never abandon her, always be there, marry her...etc etc you get the picture.
But acording to this forum that will be seen as desperate and clingy...engulfing even.

It sucks hard that giving someone your true feelings and expressing it to them can have a negative outcome, its sad... real sad.

So i can climb in a hole and sob or i can get on with my life, work,exercise and therapy, 12 step meetings... working on improving myself as a person and pray that its god will she comes back and when she does i will be a better person for her,me and us.
Let me tell you i have a lot of stuff that needs work and would improve the relationship, i cant cure or change her but i can change me.

If i'm not well I'm no good to her or me, we have to take these spaces to work on ourselves and clean up our side of the street.

I hear you fellas, i understand what you are going through right now and appreciate you being here for me.

Keep in touch

Hope
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In Love with a BPD girl - It took a BPD to see I needed to grow.  That is her gift to me.
Hope in Bondi Beach
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God help me - i love this BPD girl


« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2009, 05:14:17 AM »

Oh guys i hear you and know how you feel it sucks bad!

I'm 3 weeks NC with my angelBPDGF atm.
Been together 16 months, she suggested we break up 3 weeks ago, i said if thats what you want... she said NO way...dont put this on me...YOU DO IT...i said babe i love you i dont want us the break up..i want us to work on the relationship.
She replied " thats right be a selfish prick and keep me here!"

Not sure what that meant, my head made up 10 different reasons.

Did she mean it
Does she still want that, if thats what she wanted
Was it a test to see if i would leave her
Saying things like,I love you..i want to spend my life with you and talking of marriage, does this trigger Engulfment fears, he's getting to close so push him away, if i let him get to close the pain when he leaves will be greater...push him away?

AAARRGGHGHGHGHGH

Still has keys to my place and shes sent 2 text in that time, ive sent a couple of emails, about various things, but giving her space, i know with her when push comes to shove and shes put on the spot or given an ultimatum she will reply in the negative, It hurts like hell to be in limbo land not knowing if the one you love is coming back, i read on this board that silent treatment is a form of abuse...is it? i mean if she wasnt coming back  she would have told me to f-off and stop texting/emailing right...and dropped my keys back? there isnt anyone else as far as i know.
But from what I've learned on this forum if i push for answers, if i push to see her i will push her away and loose her, which is not what i want.

I know that during this time she will be regulating and looking after herself, i dont see it as punishment, its her protecting us. She also is struggling to work and us a lot of other crap to deal with, i wish i could be there to help. I respect her for looking after herself, i see her growing.

This feeling of powerlessness around the one i love is crushing, i just want to hold her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right, i will never abandon her, always be there, marry her...etc etc you get the picture.
But acording to this forum that will be seen as desperate and clingy...engulfing even.

It sucks hard that giving someone your true feelings and expressing it to them can have a negative outcome, its sad... real sad.

So i can climb in a hole and sob or i can get on with my life, work,exercise and therapy, 12 step meetings... working on improving myself as a person and pray that its god will she comes back and when she does i will be a better person for her,me and us.
Let me tell you i have a lot of stuff that needs work and would improve the relationship, i cant cure or change her but i can change me.

If i'm not well I'm no good to her or me, we have to take these spaces to work on ourselves and clean up our side of the street.
WALK A MILE IN THIER SHOES!
My girl tells me to "sit in my pain..thats were the growth is"  i have and am sitting in pain and i am growing, just hope i get the opertunity to show her, she's growing too.

I hear you fellas, i understand what you are going through right now and appreciate you being here for me.

Keep in touch

Hope
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In Love with a BPD girl - It took a BPD to see I needed to grow.  That is her gift to me.
Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2009, 11:00:29 AM »

I want to send her some flowers,i already said sorry 3 weeks ago for not being compassionate enough around my divorce going to slow, dont know what it would acheive?

arrghhhhh i dont know what to do, space/no pressure...or flowers/card = push her away/look desperate ?

Fu8k this bs
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In Love with a BPD girl - It took a BPD to see I needed to grow.  That is her gift to me.
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« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2009, 12:34:11 PM »

ahhhh whatever fu*k this. im starting to actully belive she likes this new guy better then me. its only a matter of time before she completley forgets about me. im just gonna move on. its probally for the best. it hurts like sht, i really loved this girl but if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me .
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DragoN
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« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2009, 12:37:37 PM »

Quote
if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me .
You'd be right.

Take care of yourself.  x
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Hop Head
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« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2009, 12:54:42 PM »

arrghhhhh i dont know what to do, space/no pressure...or flowers/card = push her away/look desperate ?

Yes, it's truly a battle of brain vs. heart. Like the Modest Mouse song, heart cooks brain. If it's truly been 3 full weeks without ANY contact whatsoever, no texts, emails, calls, in-person sightings, etc... then *I* might be the type to consider just sending her a text or something asking what she's been up to.

I wouldn't do the flowers though man, that might seem a bit excessive. Remember these girls are BPD. In any other instance, flowers would be a great gesture, but not with ours.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2009, 03:45:09 PM »

It is common for someone with BPD to try to reconnect on some level at some time.  It is not common for someone with NPD to reconnect..  they tend to move on.  Many of the people discussed here are more NPD than BPD.

But, even if the person tries to reconnect, unless that person is in long-term appropriate therapy, things will go as before..  BPD is a mental illness, an illness that impedes intimacy and emotional stability.
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