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Author Topic: is it common for BPD ex girlfriends to come back? if so, how long?  (Read 3783 times)
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« on: October 30, 2009, 08:09:07 PM »

anyone have a BPD ex girlfriend come back to them after they made it seem like the relationship was done forever and there dating another man? my BPD girlfriend broke up with me and is dating another man. i dont think shes really into the guy but just using him to get me jealous. shes had feelings for me for about a year and a half and i was her first for everything and weve been very close. she broke up with me out of nowhere, when the day before she was saying she was 100% happy with our relationship and that she wanted me to date her for years to come.  anyone ever have a BPD ex girlfriend who broke up with them suddenly for no reason and moved on to another man but came back to them? how long does it usually take? 

oh yea i havent been contacting her at all since she broke up with me, no texting, deleted her myspace and facebook, no phone calls... .because everytime i talked to her she would get very angry at me and say hurtful things so i was recommended by her friends to give her space.
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« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2009, 08:49:36 PM »

Your story smacks of mine. My girl and I have been broken up since the beginning of this month, and we've had absolutely NC since Monday night. She is supposedly seeing another guy (although he lives out of state, and she's never met him in person!).

Anyway, we did kind of split up once before. Things were a bit rough and so one night I sent her a text saying I thought we should have lunch the next day to discuss some things. She never texted me back, but the next morning I get an e-mail she had sent 15 minutes after my text. Basically she said she didn't think things were going to work out, that it would be best if we quit while we were ahead, she was sorry she had to do it via e-mail, etc.

I responded by sending her an e-mail saying I thought things could work out if we just were more sensitive of one another's feelings and communicated better. We talked on the phone. For a few days I didn't know where I stood with her because she was still taking my calls, even though she seemed aggravated by me, but eventually she sent me a text saying she would be busy Thursday and Friday but would be available Saturday. (It's amazing how they can swing from being split up with you to being back together like nothing happened.)

So yes, in my (limited) experience and from what I've read, they seem to come crawling back in general. Of course that doesn't mean yours (or mine) will. I'm praying for both of us. x

P.S. I have been contacting her since we broke up more than she was comfortable with, and I was causing her stress. Monday she basically told me to leave her alone completely. May not sound harsh, but coming from her that was brutal. So I'm just gonna hold off, and hope for the best. I think it's important to strike at the right time, so to speak. You want to give them just enough time where they miss you before you contact them (if they don't do it first).
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« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2009, 10:54:06 PM »

well she is either compleley into this new guy, or shes trying to make me jelous... .im not sure which. is this common for a person with BPD to do this? im so confused. she went from saying 3 weeks ago this kid was ugly and im better in every way and hes just a fallback guy for if i broke up with her.   but shes acting strangley happy that shes dating him and making it totally obvious which she never did while dating me after 6 months. shes been with him for about a week so far. i dont know much about BPD but do they tend to do things like this? if shes actully into this new guy im just gonna force myself to move on.
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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2009, 03:16:32 AM »

Oh guys i hear you and know how you feel it sucks bad!

I'm 3 weeks NC with my angelBPDGF atm.

Been together 16 months, she suggested we break up 3 weeks ago, i said if thats what you want... .she said NO way... .dont put this on me... .YOU DO IT... .i said babe i love you i dont want us the break up... i want us to work on the relationship.

She replied " thats right be a selfish prick and keep me here!"

Not sure what that meant, my head made up 10 different reasons.

Did she mean it

Does she still want that, if thats what she wanted

Was it a test to see if i would leave her

Saying things like,I love you... i want to spend my life with you and talking of marriage, does this trigger Engulfment fears, he's getting to close so push him away, if i let him get to close the pain when he leaves will be greater... .push him away?

AAARRGGHGHGHGHGH

Still has keys to my place and shes sent 2 text in that time, ive sent a couple of emails, about various things, but giving her space, i know with her when push comes to shove and shes put on the spot or given an ultimatum she will reply in the negative, It hurts like hell to be in limbo land not knowing if the one you love is coming back,i mean if she wasnt she would have told me to f-off and stop texting/emailing right... .and dropped my keys back? there isnt anyone else as far as i know.

But from what I've learned on this forum if i push for answers, if i push to see her i will push her away and loose her, which is not what i want.

I know that during this time she will be regulating and looking after herself, i dont see it as punishment, its her protecting us. She also is struggling to work and us a lot of other crap to deal with, i wish i could be there to help. I respect her for looking after herself, i see her growing.

This feeling of powerlessness around the one i love is crushing, i just want to hold her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right, i will never abandon her, always be there, marry her... .etc etc you get the picture.

But acording to this forum that will be seen as desperate and clingy... .engulfing even.

It sucks hard that giving someone your true feelings and expressing it to them can have a negative outcome, its sad... .real sad.

So i can climb in a hole and sob or i can get on with my life, work,exercise and therapy, 12 step meetings... .working on improving myself as a person and pray that its god will she comes back and when she does i will be a better person for her,me and us.

Let me tell you i have a lot of stuff that needs work and would improve the relationship, i cant cure or change her but i can change me.

If i'm not well I'm no good to her or me, we have to take these spaces to work on ourselves and clean up our side of the street.

I hear you fellas, i understand what you are going through right now and appreciate you being here for me.

Keep in touch

Hope
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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2009, 05:14:17 AM »

Oh guys i hear you and know how you feel it sucks bad!

I'm 3 weeks NC with my angelBPDGF atm.

Been together 16 months, she suggested we break up 3 weeks ago, i said if thats what you want... .she said NO way... .dont put this on me... .YOU DO IT... .i said babe i love you i dont want us the break up... i want us to work on the relationship.

She replied " thats right be a selfish prick and keep me here!"

Not sure what that meant, my head made up 10 different reasons.

Did she mean it

Does she still want that, if thats what she wanted

Was it a test to see if i would leave her

Saying things like,I love you... i want to spend my life with you and talking of marriage, does this trigger Engulfment fears, he's getting to close so push him away, if i let him get to close the pain when he leaves will be greater... .push him away?

AAARRGGHGHGHGHGH

Still has keys to my place and shes sent 2 text in that time, ive sent a couple of emails, about various things, but giving her space, i know with her when push comes to shove and shes put on the spot or given an ultimatum she will reply in the negative, It hurts like hell to be in limbo land not knowing if the one you love is coming back, i read on this board that silent treatment is a form of abuse... .is it? i mean if she wasnt coming back  she would have told me to f-off and stop texting/emailing right... .and dropped my keys back? there isnt anyone else as far as i know.

But from what I've learned on this forum if i push for answers, if i push to see her i will push her away and loose her, which is not what i want.

I know that during this time she will be regulating and looking after herself, i dont see it as punishment, its her protecting us. She also is struggling to work and us a lot of other crap to deal with, i wish i could be there to help. I respect her for looking after herself, i see her growing.

This feeling of powerlessness around the one i love is crushing, i just want to hold her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right, i will never abandon her, always be there, marry her... .etc etc you get the picture.

But acording to this forum that will be seen as desperate and clingy... .engulfing even.

It sucks hard that giving someone your true feelings and expressing it to them can have a negative outcome, its sad... .real sad.

So i can climb in a hole and sob or i can get on with my life, work,exercise and therapy, 12 step meetings... .working on improving myself as a person and pray that its god will she comes back and when she does i will be a better person for her,me and us.

Let me tell you i have a lot of stuff that needs work and would improve the relationship, i cant cure or change her but i can change me.

If i'm not well I'm no good to her or me, we have to take these spaces to work on ourselves and clean up our side of the street.

WALK A MILE IN THIER SHOES!

My girl tells me to "sit in my pain... thats were the growth is"  i have and am sitting in pain and i am growing, just hope i get the opertunity to show her, she's growing too.

I hear you fellas, i understand what you are going through right now and appreciate you being here for me.

Keep in touch

Hope

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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2009, 11:00:29 AM »

I want to send her some flowers,i already said sorry 3 weeks ago for not being compassionate enough around my divorce going to slow, dont know what it would acheive?

arrghhhhh i dont know what to do, space/no pressure... .or flowers/card = push her away/look desperate ?

Fu8k this bs
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« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2009, 12:34:11 PM »

ahhhh whatever fu*k this. im starting to actully belive she likes this new guy better then me. its only a matter of time before she completley forgets about me. im just gonna move on. its probally for the best. it hurts like sht, i really loved this girl but if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me .
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« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2009, 12:37:37 PM »

Excerpt
if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me .

You'd be right.

Take care of yourself.  x
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« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2009, 12:54:42 PM »

arrghhhhh i dont know what to do, space/no pressure... .or flowers/card = push her away/look desperate ?

Yes, it's truly a battle of brain vs. heart. Like the Modest Mouse song, heart cooks brain. If it's truly been 3 full weeks without ANY contact whatsoever, no texts, emails, calls, in-person sightings, etc... .then *I* might be the type to consider just sending her a text or something asking what she's been up to.

I wouldn't do the flowers though man, that might seem a bit excessive. Remember these girls are BPD. In any other instance, flowers would be a great gesture, but not with ours.
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« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2009, 03:45:09 PM »

It is common for someone with BPD to try to reconnect on some level at some time.  It is not common for someone with NPD to reconnect...   they tend to move on.  Many of the people discussed here are more NPD than BPD.

But, even if the person tries to reconnect, unless that person is in long-term appropriate therapy, things will go as before...   BPD is a mental illness, an illness that impedes intimacy and emotional stability.
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« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2009, 04:15:17 PM »

well as of now, shes trying to show me that shes dating this new guy. shes just being so obvious about it.  i mean, if you really liked someone else, would you still be trying to make your ex jealous with them when your the one that broke up with them? it dosent make sense. i seriosly cant tell if this is the BPD thats making her act like this or she just really dosent like me at all anymore. oh and i forgot to mention, a family relative of hers died right before she started acting this way all the sudden. is it true that if that happens, it can cause them to break down and start acting out like this and do very impulsive things?
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« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2009, 04:56:27 PM »

A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check."

As far as being obvious trying to make you jealous, that's no surprise to me. A lot of times they want you to chase after them even if they were the one to break it off. So it's a possibility she wants you, or maybe she's just wanting the attention/drama.
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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2009, 05:53:56 PM »

I've seen and talked to her once 2 texts and I sent her 2 emails, showing off a bf in front of you is disgusting behavior, she's using you both to make you both jealous.

Can't believe a BPDs staying away from me cos I'm the broken?

How bad do I feel , how useless, sht, crap, unwanted and unlovable do I feel?

I'm no angel, but I'm faithfull, supportive, loving and have a big heart, shame the person I chose to give it too does want it.

I might as well be dead.

I know she's damaged but I'm not scared of BPD and will never stop trying to be in a position that I can help the best I can.

I feel sadness , fear and anger.
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« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2009, 06:06:58 PM »

A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check."

As far as being obvious trying to make you jealous, that's no surprise to me. A lot of times they want you to chase after them even if they were the one to break it off. So it's a possibility she wants you, or maybe she's just wanting the attention/drama.

so do you think my best bet would be to just keep doing what im doing? avoiding ANY contact with her? i deleted her on facebook, myspace, aim, her number. everything. should i just wait this out? i dont think this new guys shes with will be able to handle all the stuff she put me through. i bet itll last like 2 months tops. and shes already unstable as it is because of the family relative dieing.
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« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2009, 06:57:19 PM »

A stressful or traumatic event can definitely trigger borderline behavior that was previously "in check."

As far as being obvious trying to make you jealous, that's no surprise to me. A lot of times they want you to chase after them even if they were the one to break it off. So it's a possibility she wants you, or maybe she's just wanting the attention/drama.

so do you think my best bet would be to just keep doing what im doing? avoiding ANY contact with her? i deleted her on facebook, myspace, aim, her number. everything. should i just wait this out? i dont think this new guys shes with will be able to handle all the stuff she put me through. i bet itll last like 2 months tops. and shes already unstable as it is because of the family relative dieing.

Well the first thing you need to do is make damned sure you really like this girl enough to accept her as she is, including her disorder, especially if she is resistant to getting help. (Personally if my girlfriend wasn't actively seeking therapy on her own, I'd have already moved on.)

When my girlfriend broke up with me earlier this month, I did what I did the last time we split. Talked to her, sent her an e-mail or two telling her how I felt, etc. After she didn't take the bait this time, and after dealing with constant re-engaging (she'd text me and write on my Facebook, etc.) I decided it would be best to quit her cold turkey, so I deleted her from my phone and off of my Facebook. A few days later she started texting me again, and I was re-engaged back.

So to be honest, I don't know what the best bet would be. Still wondering that myself in my situation. You want her to know that you are still interested in her, but DO NOT come off as clingy/needy/desperate. That's the one thing I know for sure.

Hope, my heart aches for us both! It's like you wish you could just shake them and get them to things how we see it, but unfortunately the illness prevents them from seeing things our way most of the time. Keep exercising and concentrated on yourself and your life... .you definitely might as well NOT be dead!
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« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2009, 07:05:35 PM »

its just, i dont know... .i always looked at it that when a girl is dating someone else its impossible to get them back. im hoping that with BPD they can easily drop the new guy and go back to the one that they truly still have feelings for.  im hoping once she calms down alittle from the whole relitive dieing thing, she will realize what she did and call me apologizing. im deffintily not going to fall for the bait though and call her angry about her new boyfriend, which is obviosly what shes trying to make me do.
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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2009, 11:25:14 PM »

I've seen and talked to her once 2 texts and I sent her 2 emails, showing off a bf in front of you is disgusting behavior, she's using you both to make you both jealous.

Can't believe a BPDs staying away from me cos I'm the broken?

How bad do I feel , how useless, sht, crap, unwanted and unlovable do I feel?

I'm no angel, but I'm faithfull, supportive, loving and have a big heart, shame the person I chose to give it too can not except it.

I might as well be dead.

I know she's damaged but I'm not scared of BPD and will never stop trying to be in a position that I can help the best I can.

I feel sadness , fear and anger.

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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2009, 11:29:46 PM »

im deffintily not going to fall for the bait though and call her angry about her new boyfriend, which is obviosly what shes trying to make me do.

no dont react, but i think if she still want her, deleting her off facebook etc was a little hasty and immature.

After all why make it difficult for her to contact you, try to keep the lines of communication open but keep your distance.

Good luck, you have feelings for her i know, i know how tough it is. x
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« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2009, 11:33:51 PM »

Guys... .for the love of all that is Holy... .whether these girls are BPD or not... .please explain to me why: You choose to make someone a priority in your love life, where they are only looking at you as an OPTION?.

Tell me That... .explain it in simple terms for me... .I am really trying to understand you here.

Unknown... .you are right.

it hurts like sht, i really loved this girl but if she can just move on to this new guy and not care at all about how i feel, shes not the girl for me .
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« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2009, 11:38:45 PM »

im deffintily not going to fall for the bait though and call her angry about her new boyfriend, which is obviosly what shes trying to make me do.

no dont react, but i think if she still want her, deleting her off facebook etc was a little hasty and immature.

After all why make it difficult for her to contact you, try to keep the lines of communication open but keep your distance.

Good luck, you have feelings for her i know, i know how tough it is. x

i deleted her on facebook and myspace because on there she was doing things to make me jealous, and everyday i would look at it and it would make me feel compleltey misrable and it was slowing down the process of me recovering from her breaking up with me. and everytime i would talk to another girl, she would look at my stuff and try to get revenge on me by doing something very hurtful, like deleting all the photos of us together and stuff. i deff made the right choice by delting her facebook. if she really needs to contact me, she still has my number and if she dosent, some of her friends have it and she could ask them for it. i feel like shes going to forget about me though, like this new kid is gonna make all new memories with her and she wont care about anything ive been through with her. i really hope not... .from what ive heard, the usual time frame for them to come back is usually 2 weeks to 2 months. so far, her dating this new kid has been going on for 2 weeks and she hasnt contacted me since. shes been broken up with me for about a month so far already though. but her anger toward me and this relationship with this new guy started when  the person in her family died
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« Reply #20 on: October 31, 2009, 11:44:22 PM »

Excerpt
i deff made the right choice by delting her facebook. if she really needs to contact me, she still has my number and if she dosent, some of her friends have it and she could ask them for

It's best to cut off all avenues of knowing what the other is up to... .to focus on yourself. Torturing yourself with checking up on them only makes it SO much harder for you.
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« Reply #21 on: November 01, 2009, 11:14:16 AM »

ugh. top.  i want to see if anyone else sucessfully got back with there girlfriend after something like this happening... .
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« Reply #22 on: November 01, 2009, 11:33:40 AM »

Lot's of people here have repaired their BPD relationships. It is what we do all the time... .

With a BPD a relationship is a very serious commitment. She is not the person you so far believe she is. She may still be a wonderful person you can love for the rest of your life but the extreme attraction you feel is one of her strengths and shortcomings that play a huge role in the BPD dynamics. You will not see that for much longer and looking back you will be certainly thinking about that as a mixed blessing.

So, please think this through and read all the stories. It will never be a smooth ride with her.

In case you want to move on - non contact is the only safe option.
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« Reply #23 on: November 01, 2009, 11:45:05 AM »

My BPDbf used to do that kind of crap to me. He always came back but then he'd just do it again.  I finally left him for years.  When we got back together years down the road he didn't do that anymore.  Now he just does other stuff.  If you've only got 6 months invested in this, my advice is to RUN.
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« Reply #24 on: November 01, 2009, 12:13:50 PM »

well i am pretty dedicated to helping her through her problems as much as possible.  just wondering, but is it possible for someone with BPD to hide there problems for a period of time? with this new guy shes with, im pretty sure shes being on her best behavior and being the ideal girlfriend to him just to get me ticked off.  but she cant keep that up forever so im wondering how long they can usually pull something like that off for?
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« Reply #25 on: November 01, 2009, 12:51:57 PM »

well i am pretty dedicated to helping her through her problems as much as possible.  just wondering, but is it possible for someone with BPD to hide there problems for a period of time? with this new guy shes with, im pretty sure shes being on her best behavior and being the ideal girlfriend to him just to get me ticked off.  but she cant keep that up forever so im wondering how long they can usually pull something like that off for?

Yes, my girlfriend was completely asymptomatic for the first month... .then little by little she started showing symptoms as we got closer.
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« Reply #26 on: November 01, 2009, 01:20:02 PM »

They do come back.

Mine dropped me after six months of dating, met a guy online, got engaged in two weeks, married in 60 more days and it lasted almost a year. She called, stated she made a mistake and was too focused on marriage. She was 30 with two children out of wedlock.

Well, it went smooth for a year and a half and she met a guy, dropped me, engaged in three weeks, married in another 60 days.

Both men were post divorce, post bankruptcy less than one year and and owned nothing but the clothes on their back.

They move into her house and go by her rules(for awhile). The first husband left after he couldn't deal with her anger anymore and she refused to go to marriage counseling after three visits because she was being too focused on!

And I thought I was the one who made her angry!

These people seem to need to exert control over others and that's where we struggled. I did not need her to financially provide for me. I had my own house, etc.
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« Reply #27 on: November 01, 2009, 01:58:27 PM »

They do come back.

Mine dropped me after six months of dating, met a guy online, got engaged in two weeks, married in 60 more days and it lasted almost a year. She called, stated she made a mistake and was too focused on marriage. She was 30 with two children out of wedlock.

Well, it went smooth for a year and a half and she met a guy, dropped me, engaged in three weeks, married in another 60 days.



Both men were post divorce, post bankruptcy less than one year and and owned nothing but the clothes on their back.

They move into her house and go by her rules(for awhile). The first husband left after he couldn't deal with her anger anymore and she refused to go to marriage counseling after three visits because she was being too focused on!

And I thought I was the one who made her angry!

These people seem to need to exert control over others and that's where we struggled. I did not need her to financially provide for me. I had my own house, etc.


wow thats so messed up.  well my girlfriend is only 17 so i dont think shell be marrying anyone soon.  so hopefully she will come back at some point, hopefully not TOO long from now. still havnt heard anything from her and its been about 2 weeks

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« Reply #28 on: November 01, 2009, 06:55:46 PM »

update. help me.  she just texted me for the first time in 2 weeks because im friends with 1 of her friends on facebook. ive already been friends with like 5 other ones but i just randomly added another one that i run into ocasionaly. she texted me saying to delete her right now. i was affraid to answer because she sounds very angry so i didnt answer. then she texted again saying are you gonna answer? then she tried calling but i didnt pick up. she sounds more angry then shes been. then she texted me again saying ok your gonna ignore me? dont fu*king talk to my friends you fu*kin peice of ___.       ?       


sorry, but really... .how can someone break up with somebody, and go into a relationship with a new kid and say your engaged to him and still try to controll your ex and tell him who he cant add or be friends with on facebook?  do i reply to her texts? what should i say to not get her any angrier? help!
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« Reply #29 on: November 02, 2009, 02:32:49 AM »

If I were you I'd make yourself a boundary in this situation: the people you add on Facebook and talk to is your business and your business alone. She seems to fear that you're gonna talk bad about her behind her back, so I would validate that by telling her you understand maybe that's what she's afraid of... .then assure her that's not something you intend to do.

You really don't deserve to be talked to like that. No one does. She needs to understand that.
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