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Think About It... Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.~ Lynne Forrest
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Author Topic: A personal question that we probably all ask ourselves  (Read 622 times)
mattc74
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« on: November 08, 2009, 06:51:19 PM »
My ex-gf of 2 years and I recently broke up. She is now involved with a friend of mine (ex friend now) and we all work together.  Luckily I work for a consulting company so I transfered out so I will not have to deal with them.  and to make matters worse her ex-gf also works at that same company as well.  Talk about a love "square" having 2 men and a women who all are in love with her.  I know this sounds crazy but its absolutely true.  I am a 35 year old educated man and keep asking myself how I got in this mess and why I stayed for so long? 

Is it normal and natural to doubt yourself on why the relationship ended with a BPD person? 
I wonder if I have heard that its all my fault so much that I started to believe it? 
Why was it that everything that I got accused of doing she actually did to me (verbally abusive, controlling, and cheating)
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2009, 08:26:51 PM »
What are your answers to your own question - How I got into this mess and why I stayed for so long?. They will help you so much in having closures and to accept the death of the relationship so that you can now learn and grow.

BPD tend to project onto you their own behaviors. For example, my XBPDgf complained to me about the things that her XH had done to her, and guess what they were the same kinds of things she did to me. That is why BPD is so hard to live with for they are from a different planet. My XPBDgf became upset and rage if she thought I was looking at female pedestrians but yet it was ok for her to have new guy friends or email w new guy etc ... That is why BPD is mentally ill and we are not.

So, be thankful that you are not in a relationship with her any more, let the other guy now takes the head aches. Do you want to have a rose with lots of thorns or a simple white daisy ?
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Marilou
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« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2009, 01:16:13 AM »
Quote from: mattc74 on November 08, 2009, 06:51:19 PM
I am a 35 year old educated man and keep asking myself how I got in this mess and why I stayed for so long? 

You are lucky to be an educated man but you must analyze if you had previous knowledge of her BPD condition, if not it is not your fault, she should have been honest and told you about it. You are not responsible for her lack of honesty.

Quote from: mattc74 on November 08, 2009, 06:51:19 PM
Why did I stay for so long?

Once we realize what we got ourselves into then we notice how much time we have lost and the kind of hell we are living. Be grateful you are not married and that apparently you have no children with her, thus you can leave and start anew without guilt.    
[/quote]

Quote from: mattc74 on November 08, 2009, 06:51:19 PM
Is it normal and natural to doubt yourself on why the relationship ended with a BPD person? 

Yes it is normal, BPDs are very intelligent and manipulative they can convince who ever they wish on what ever subjects are convenient for them. Don´t let it get to you, be a bit selfish and protect yourself.
[/quote]

Quote from: mattc74 on November 08, 2009, 06:51:19 PM
I wonder if I have heard that its all my fault so much that I started to believe it? 

Yes, it is called brain washing. That is what BPD persons do to who ever they wish to hurt and/or control, have been there! But again don't let it get to you, analyze what has been happening and do your utmost to have peace and be positive about your future with someone who is not BPD.

Good luck and God bless!   
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mattc74
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« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2009, 05:17:40 PM »
Thank you all so much for telling me what I already knew.  I just needed to hear it from others for reassurance for my own sanity. 
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Lost72


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« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2009, 06:22:01 PM »
I ask myself these questions every day about my relationship with my uBPD gf.  I guess Im still pretty much in the FOG stage because I spend so much time analyzing whether all the things she says about me are true.  Even though sometimes rationally I know that I can't be all that bad to be with, emotionally is a different story. Sometimes I even get to the point where I begin to question if I'm not the one with BPD and she is normal. 
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gentleman66
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« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2009, 02:13:52 AM »
Yes, we all doubt ourselves. I think it is natural. Its sign that there is something wrong with being in a BPD relationship and that we  have become  more and more conscious of it.


Quote from: mattc74 on November 08, 2009, 06:51:19 PM
My ex-gf of 2 years and I recently broke up. She is now involved with a friend of mine (ex friend now) and we all work together.  Luckily I work for a consulting company so I transfered out so I will not have to deal with them.  and to make matters worse her ex-gf also works at that same company as well.  Talk about a love "square" having 2 men and a women who all are in love with her.  I know this sounds crazy but its absolutely true.  I am a 35 year old educated man and keep asking myself how I got in this mess and why I stayed for so long? 

Is it normal and natural to doubt yourself on why the relationship ended with a BPD person? 
I wonder if I have heard that its all my fault so much that I started to believe it? 
Why was it that everything that I got accused of doing she actually did to me (verbally abusive, controlling, and cheating)
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aurora747
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« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2009, 02:28:13 AM »
To me that same thing was like a stage of undertstanding. Keep reading the matarial on this site and you'll find that its a typical trait of loving someone with BPD. Keep up your research and give yourself some time to process the facts.  Use your head dude, and take your time.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2009, 08:01:29 AM »
Hi Matt..

These relationships are very hard to deal with, leave, and recover from.  Thank heavens you have found us. 

Now... you have posted in Undecided.  Are you really still Undecided?
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