Living together splitting bills?

[Think About It...]

So for those of you who domicile with your spouse or SO, how do you handle finances?  Whose home do you live in and how to you split the bills?  How do you figure out what's fair?

The big elephant in my relationship has been this issue.  I'm curious how everyone else handles it.  I realize circumstances for everyone will be different. 

[eeyore]

So for those of you who domicile with your spouse or SO, how do you handle finances?  Whose home do you live in and how to you split the bills?  How do you figure out what's fair?

The big elephant in my relationship has been this issue.  I'm curious how everyone else handles it.  I realize circumstances for everyone will be different. 

[newworld]

I only lived with my SO for 5 months. The agreement was: I pay half the rent and half of the food.  he paid the utilities and the other half of the other things. His place. I was not supposed to be there that long.  BUT then, he never took the money for 4 of those months. I bought a piece of furniture and left it with him which was slightly more valauble, so even.  i cooked and cleaned and took care of him like an old fashioned housewife. I was not working at the time.

i also supplied all of the small furnishings for his place from cups to lamps as well as pans, condiments and so on...I drove his car if I needed to go somewhere and I contributed to gas.

if I had to do it again?  I would do it the same way, however I would insist he cash the checks and I would also not do as much...he can pack his own lunch... x

[newworld]

I just wanted to add, that in different circumstances i would do different things. if we had to rent together again, I would have my name and his on the retal agreement and I would make sure both of us mailed seperate rent checks for your half.  On rent I would not do less than half with a BP. i would not accept to live in a place I could not afford if his income was higher and have him pay more. it's giving too much power to the BP. I have been burned that way, sooooo

if it were a home ownership situation? I would not allow his name on the house and have a very detaiuled prenup basically making him a paid guest/servant. So, if that says anything anout the relationship or whwre I am mentally.

Ppoint is, i would not allow the BP any way to get any power over me, including forcing me out of my home, even for a night.

[eeyore]

Ppoint is, i would not allow the BP any way to get any power over me, including forcing me out of my home, even for a night.

Ok what if your SO wasn't BPD?  Or would this apply with anyone?  You'd just live on your own finances separate?  Until when?  You are an equal legally?  Even if legally equal one could leave the relationship then what?   Just asking as I think your words say one thing but reality is another.

[newworld]

 Just asking as I think your words say one thing but reality is another.

I am not really sure what you mean by this, so it's hard to answer unless i get a clarification?

and no, if I were not talking about my BP here I would not be as hard core. As I said already, it reflects where I am in my own thinking. There are legal rights and then there is REALITY. "rights' are meaningless unless we all agree to the covenant and obey the laws. Since these 'rights" are civil in the United States, they are basically unenforceable past the point a person wants to abide by them. Just ask the millions of children waiting for child support checks...and the thousands of people being threatened, attacked and the hundreds being murdered by the person whose name is on the restraining order.  i have lived through too many years, in another situation, of divorce with personality disordered individuals to make the mistake of thinking the family/divorce courts can handle what they have to throw out.  family/divorce court is NOT equipped to deal with it. so, there are ways to ensure certain things, including never leagally being married...

Are you having trouble deciding what to do with yourself E? Is this for now or later?

[eeyore]

I am trying to weigh my situation.  I'm interested to know how other people handle the situation?  In your case it was inequitable in that he financially contributed more.  You verbally split mostly everything but he did verbally agree to pay more with the utilities.  For you this made you feel like he had control or power over you.  So I'm curious what do people with disporportionate income do.  I mean a school teacher's salary would not be able to pay the same as a Neurosurgeon's salary.  So if you are talking about splitting a mortgage how does a couple decide?  Does the deed and legal papers make a difference as to how much each contributes?

[dados76]

my partner and i share a house with my brothers ex and her two kids.. we each pay 1/3 mortgage.. she pays electric.. i pay water.. he pays tv/internet/phone (package deal).. i usually pay for food..he pays insurance.. each pays for our own gas/clothes/extras.. each of the bills each person pays.. is in their name w/others added if needed for insurance.. our housemate doesnt make as much.. so her share is a little less.. she doesnt pay groceries or insurance.. my partner makes pretty good money.. and also pays for his health expenses from his pocket..

obv. none of us are married.. dont have any legal obligation to live together.. this is just what we worked out so that everybody is contributing.. there is a house agreement written up for the mortgage.. so that if one person wants to leave or move out payments get taken over by the other two and they can get bought out..

[eeyore]

my BF owns a McMansion.  Of course McMansion isn't worth as much as it was but he is rightside up.  I had a nice but modest home.  It was 1,700 sq feet two car garage and custom built for me. I lived in it and afforded it on my own for 10 years.  I sold my home to move in with him.  Of course he can afford his house on his income but it is in reality a house for dual incomes.  My house sold in 3 months which was faster than we expected and we weren't prepared.  It was a good deal.  So one of the issues we have never been able to both be happy with was how much I should contribute to the bills?  Should it be 1/2 of all of the total?  Should it be incrementally what I add in expenses?   Should it be more or less? 

[ifsogirl26]

We actually put all our money together and pay bills from that. If we want to buy something say over a couple hundred bucks we talk about it together before hand. This works very well for us. My h does all the bills and is really good at it. I make more money as he is in school and only works part time. But we are married and we look at it as OURS not his and mine.

When he does make more money he will just put his check in and it will work the same way. Neither of us has a spending problem.
Its not a issue for us. I really don't think about it too much. We pay our bills, buy what we need and save the rest together. Won't work for everyone.

I have heard of many people splitting the bills and keeping separate accounts. I like the way we have it though. We also have trust built up around this. Neither of us will do anything major with out talking about it and we agree about spending and finaces.


Eeyore - if you guiys aren't married then its different,  I really think you should contribute what he might get for a room mate. Not more cause you don't have any share in the house.

[newworld]

E'

In my situation, I was also a "guest". It was an unexpected emergency that I lost my place...I was hosting him every weekend prior and so on...additionally, he was renting and he could afford the place on his own, so it is really different.

YOU are in a sutuation where you are living there permanently, you have no ownership of the house and he does.  What is customary in a situation like yours, espcailly if the incomes are very unequal, is that you pay a PERCENTAGE.  Your % of housing expenses shouldn't exceed 25 % of your income for example. So, the calculation is not based on a percentage of the total of the bills, but what percentage of your income goes to what...and the rest goes to retirement and emergency!

Does this help?

It's also HIS CHOICE to have the house he has and to spend the money he does for it. the fact that you ease his burden a little is a positive thing for him, but taking advantage of you is not ok.  He could have had a different house and it is not your respnsibility to go bankrupt or live in poverty to maintain his house. It's his choice to have yoiu live there. he knows how much you make.

[eeyore]

how does one determine what a roomate would pay?  According to him he'd never have a roommate.  Trust me when I say My mortgage and expenses in my 1,700 sf house with two car garage is what we discussed I would contribute at his McMansion.  But at his house I don't have a single room to myself.  All my furniture went to storage which I pay for.  Instead of having a two car garage I now only have one.  So my question is why should I have to pay the same for less sf and less garage?  His answer was his house has more amenities and it was lifestyle of saying I live in McMansion.  Does that help with my perspective?

[Steph]

how does one determine what a roomate would pay?  According to him he'd never have a roommate.  Trust me when I say My mortgage and expenses in my 1,700 sf house with two car garage is what we discussed I would contribute at his McMansion.  But at his house I don't have a single room to myself.  All my furniture went to storage which I pay for.  Instead of having a two car garage I now only have one.  So my question is why should I have to pay the same for less sf and less garage?  His answer was his house has more amenities and it was lifestyle of saying I live in McMansion.  Does that help with my perspective?

    Did you agree to pay what you had been paying previously into the household? Whats it worth to you to live there? What are you comfy paying? What is he comfy paying? Can you reach a middle ground? If not, no deal, in my opinion..

[eeyore]

YOU are in a sutuation where you are living there permanently, you have no ownership of the house and he does.

Negative.  After the movers brought my stuff to his house he asked me to move out 3 days later.  So the movers came back and moved my stuff to storage ($300/mo)   I currently live in a Condo that I rented short term.  The lease ends this December and I can't renew here.  I did get a great deal here with 1,200 sf  and 2 br to myself.  

So the current issue is what to do next.  We are discussing me moving in.  He does want the extra money.  But now he wants more than what I was originally paying living in my house.  And my stuff still stays in storage until we are comfortable.  In theory I'm ok with moving in just my clothes and immediate stuff until we settle in to living in the same house.  No need to add extra problems.  

[DragoN]

Neither of us will do anything major with out talking about it and we agree about spending and finaces.

We both piss into the same pot...his volume is obviously greater than mine.

Regardless, I keep my personal fun money expenses low, as though I were on my own. My h...he likes to have the McMansion at 22 degrees Celsius while living in the tropics and that would blow my monthly income out of the equation.

In the past, I paid or he paid for vacations and what not, was not a big deal unless he wanted to fight about it...then I pulled out the records and accounting for him. *shrugs*

You're an accountant, you do the math. If he doesn't like your solution..let him do the math.

So my question is why should I have to pay the same for less sf and less garage? His answer was his house has more amenities and it was lifestyle of saying I live in McMansion.

Big deal...you were happy without that before hand. So why pay for a bogus label that means precious little in reality?

According to him he'd never have a roommate.

You're NOT a roommate...insist on the old fashioned standard for a man. He must be able to provide for his family and wife...with or without her income to bolster him. He wants his McMansion and all that...cool. Stash your cash for the fun stuff together.

He does want the extra money.  But now he wants more than what I was originally paying living in my house.  And my stuff still stays in storage until we are comfortable.

he sure is an odd one isn't he? You buy into a lifestyle that is neither here nor there to you [ I'm guessing] and he wants more $$$ out of you, while you get "less" out of the deal? ... 

For what?

[eeyore]

how does one determine what a roomate would pay?  According to him he'd never have a roommate.  Trust me when I say My mortgage and expenses in my 1,700 sf house with two car garage is what we discussed I would contribute at his McMansion.  But at his house I don't have a single room to myself.  All my furniture went to storage which I pay for.  Instead of having a two car garage I now only have one.  So my question is why should I have to pay the same for less sf and less garage?  His answer was his house has more amenities and it was lifestyle of saying I live in McMansion.  Does that help with my perspective?

    Did you agree to pay what you had been paying previously into the household? Whats it worth to you to live there? What are you comfy paying? What is he comfy paying? Can you reach a middle ground? If not, no deal, in my opinion..

All the below is hypothetical in talking about what I know the issues are:

(Please don't pounce on him as the bad guy and help me with MY thinking.  I already know he's got issues.)

I'm ok with paying what I was paying for my owned home.  I'm not ok with not having priviledges that a roommate would have.  So if I rented a bedroom I could put whatever I wanted in it (stuff).  If I was messy well that's ok.  Dirty not ok.   Unmade bed ok.  For him it's not ok.  He would prefer that I sell/get rid of my cherry Thomasville furniture, my $20k Swaroski collection, etc. You get the point I have nice stuff but it's not "his" style stuff.  I am hesitant to get rid of my stuff in storage if things don't work out.  I could never sell the stuff and replace for the same money.  

He's ok with living there by himself.  He's owned it since 1999.  He can afford it but it would be nice to have help.  He thinks it's unfair that I don't pay more since he's got the Ultra nice McMansion.  Well if it's affordable to him by himself shouldn't me contributing be seen as more than helpful as it's more than the marginal increase of bills for me living there?

[eeyore]

So my question is why should I have to pay the same for less sf and less garage? His answer was his house has more amenities and it was lifestyle of saying I live in McMansion.

Big deal...you were happy without that before hand. So why pay for a bogus label that means precious little in reality?

He does want the extra money.  But now he wants more than what I was originally paying living in my house.  And my stuff still stays in storage until we are comfortable.

he sure is an odd one isn't he? You buy into a lifestyle that is neither here nor there to you [ I'm guessing] and he wants more $$$ out of you, while you get "less" out of the deal? ... 

For what?

Well DragoN, you understand my sentiment.  Now he seems to think that I get more out of the deal with living in McMansion.  Pool, fancy electronics, etc.  Here at my condo there are two pools and one is heated.  And I could care less about the electronics besides he would have those regardless. 

Now I'm truly trying to answer the For what question... can you think of anything? 

[newworld]

YOU are in a sutuation where you are living there permanently, you have no ownership of the house and he does.

Negative.  After the movers brought my stuff to his house he asked me to move out 3 days later.  So the movers came back and moved my stuff to storage ($300/mo)   I currently live in a Condo that I rented short term.  The lease ends this December and I can't renew here.  I did get a great deal here with 1,200 sf  and 2 br to myself.  

So the current issue is what to do next.  We are discussing me moving in.  He does want the extra money.  But now he wants more than what I was originally paying living in my house.  And my stuff still stays in storage until we are comfortable.  In theory I'm ok with moving in just my clothes and immediate stuff until we settle in to living in the same house.  No need to add extra problems.  

aha.

what are the advantages if they are not financial?   Are you in a position where you HAVE to do this? I was, I have a friend who had to recently... or is there another alternative?

then what I said before? calculate the 300 in storage into what would be 20-25 % of your net into what you can afford as rent.

[newworld]

His attitude is all wrong and I think if you are worried about your thinking in how to handle this, then what i woud suggest is to think about what Dragon is saying and keep vey grounded in the right attitude. We do not chanrge our loved one's for lifestyle now do we bankrupt them.  It's not ok. negotiate from there.

[DragoN]

Well if it's affordable to him by himself shouldn't me contributing be seen as more than helpful as it's more than the marginal increase of bills for me living there?

I would...but then that's me.

Like Steph mentioned though...No go without a middle ground.

Could you rent a smaller place and use it as a storage unit...with a room for escape should he freak out again and kick you out?

Reading this makes me appreciate my husband all the more. He is very traditional in this regard. He doesn't want anybody else's money for any thing. Took me a couple of years to let go of needing to be able to match him $ for $ in the expenses...couldn't keep up to him. He makes now, almost double my yearly salary in a month...and I make double the average national wage here [ working part time].

If he can afford his place on his own...let him. Rushing into moving in with him again due to the lease expiring , I feel will put you in a bad position again over the longer term. If he wants you to LIVE there...he will make it a cozier proposition, not the other way around. I'd let him come to you on this...you are the prize. Not his McFluffinessmansion.

Now I'm truly trying to answer the For what question... can you think of anything? 

Nope. That's why wanted to see what you were thinking.

[eeyore]

newworld, I can obviously live independently with no problems.  I choose to live modestly.  He chooses to live lavishly.  <= relative to me.  

In "being together" the subject of living together does come up with all couples.  So we are discussing and I'm figuring out how I feel and what MY boundary should be.  Am I being Unreasonable?  Should I be paying 1/2 of everything, which would make HIM happy?  Putting me on the deed is not an option I desire.  What's really fair?

[eeyore]

If he can afford his place on his own...let him. Rushing into moving in with him again due to the lease expiring , I feel will put you in a bad position again over the longer term. If he wants you to LIVE there...he will make it a cozier proposition, not the other way around. I'd let him come to you on this...you are the prize. Not his McFluffinessmansion.

I'm not rushing.  I can afford to buy another House.  I can afford to rent my own McMansion.  I choose not to.  He is coming to me on this and he's expressing that he doesn't think it's fair for me to pay what I was paying for my house since I can afford more.  (His opinion on what I can afford.)

There's no rushing.  There's the flip side that if I BUY another house we will be no futher along at developing a relationship as I took an action that said I was clearly not interested to combine households.  If I rent it's more palatable.  But at some time we have to resolve our issues otherwise why continue being together.  And I will hear how I waste money by renting when I could live in McMansion for just a couple more hundred.   And how we could afford so much more as a couple. (ie he could buy a boat, he'd spend more money on me, etc.)

[DragoN]

Am I being Unreasonable?  Should I be paying 1/2 of everything, which would make HIM happy?  Putting me on the deed is not an option I desire.  What's really fair?

You are being very reasonable in my opinion. No you should NOT pay for 1/2 of everything...not when it is over and above your previous living expenses and not with out having your own space and things with you. Not at all.

He is the one who is being unreasonable. Let him be so Eeyore...when he really wants you there in his space...he will come to you on that. Patience is a virtue in these sorts of things.

Carry on with your life, find another lovely condo. Take care of yourself. If and when he pulls his cranial matter out from his sphincter and breathes the fresher air of day...then you will have something to discuss...till then. You take care of you.  x

I get the feeling...he isn't 'affording' it all that easily from his demands on you. Otherwise how on earth can he justify demanding you pay half and more than your previous expenses? Doesn't compute in there somewhere. I don't know...could be wrong.

There's no rushing.  There's the flip side that if I BUY another house we will be no futher along at developing a relationship as I took an action that said I was clearly not interested to combine households.  If I rent it's more palatable.  But at some time we have to resolve our issues otherwise why continue being together.  And I will hear how I waste money by renting when I could live in McMansion for just a couple more hundred.   And how we could afford so much more as a couple. (ie he could buy a boat, he'd spend more money on me, etc.)

He does some really strange Math Eeyore...you see that right?

A house does not the relationship make. Really not. It's *nice* but it's not necessary.

There's the flip side that if I BUY another house we will be no futher along at developing a relationship as I took an action that said I was clearly not interested to combine households.

Hold on here...you CAN buy another house and rent it out. Let your renters pay the mortgage. If you bought a side by side, or something with a mother in law's suite you would still have a place to disappear to if you needed to for whatever reason.

Invest in yourself here...you paying HIM rent is the same as pissing it away...you have no way to ever recoup any of that money should the relationship go belly up.

His LogiK is BS from way too many angles...and in each scenario he paints you are really getting the lousy end of the stick.

That's my take on it anyways.

[eeyore]

His attitude is all wrong and I think if you are worried about your thinking in how to handle this, then what i woud suggest is to think about what Dragon is saying and keep vey grounded in the right attitude. We do not chanrge our loved one's for lifestyle now do we bankrupt them.  It's not ok. negotiate from there.

I've been gounded and I've held the boundary.  He continually expresses he thinks it's unfair. 

HERE IS MY THINKING:

My response back is this is MY Budget and this is what I can afford.  If it's acceptable for me to live with you with the following priviledges then we can continue talking about how we will domicile together.  If not then I will go rent something that is In MY Budget.  And another option is for me to live with my parents for a few months until I decide what I want to do. 

OK what do you all think?

[eeyore]

He is the one who is being unreasonable. Let him be so Eeyore...when he really wants you there in his space...he will come to you on that. Patience is a virtue in these sorts of things.

I get the feeling...he isn't 'affording' it all that easily from his demands on you. Otherwise how on earth can he justify demanding you pay half and more than your previous expenses? Doesn't compute in there somewhere. I don't know...could be wrong.

He does some really strange Math Eeyore...you see that right?

A house does not the relationship make. Really not. It's *nice* but it's not necessary.

1.  He is coming to me.  I just have to maintain the boundary in a calm patient understanding manner.  I used to get frustrated and agitated.  That's him pushing my boundary to see if he can.  I MUST remain strong and hold the boundary.

2.  Yes I know he affords his house.  But not quite the whole story there.  I do see that.

3.  Yes strange math.  I will give him that He is very generous to me.  I firmly believe I would benefit with him using the money for things for us.  For him it gives him a sense of control and possession.  To me it makes no diffence if I pay him less but I pay for the fun stuff.  For him it's ego that he can say to the guys he takes me on vacations buys me things... you get that picture. 

4.  THANK YOU for giving me affirmation of my thinking.  I really do want to be Fair. 

I'd be interested to know what the guys think?

[DragoN]

My response back is this is MY Budget and this is what I can afford.

Stick to your guns on this one Eeyore. It's been a sore spot between you two for quite a long time. He broke your trust  already on this. It was a very dirty thing he did to you.

Once burned, twice shy.

If it went down the tubes again, you'd have nobody but yourself to blame. That's the good thing...the bad thing would be, you moved back on that boundary and know why it went down the tubes and still kick yourself.

I really do want to be Fair. 

Be fair to yourself first though ok?

He wants your money coming into the house...so he can say he pays for vacations? All about "face" and how he appears to others...  Oh well...it IS what is. Lots of men are like that.


Good luck going forward Eeyore...it's not a fun position to be in.  x

[eeyore]

DragoN,

I plan to stick to this boundary as well as some house boundaries.  And I am planning to have a back up plan if things go South if we do try again.  As I said I have no problem renting something.  The actual money isn't the issue.  It's control and ego for both of us.  I can't be a doormat.  hahaha

Yesterday he did agree to move all his things out of HIS office (1,000 sf) and that could be MY space.  He also talked about doing some painting (lavendar) that previously he wouldn't.  And getting me some things to make ME comfortable.  So he is coming to me.   

I'll entertain the discussions as it's an appropriate time to discuss. 

Please be there for me in the next few days/weeks when I come here for help in my thinking so I can maintain MY boundaries.  I know he'll try to push MY buttons and MY boundaries. 

Thank you all very much. 

[ifsogirl26]

I don't think that you should pay more than you are comfortable with. As to my roommate suggestion - no more than 800 a month (and thats alot!)
How much are you talking here?

You aren't going to be getting an equity - he is. You could buy a home and pay mortgage and it would be investing in YOU. If he wanted to get married and put you on the house then yeah you could pay half but also where is the "I will take care of you" in this? He shouldn't be so demanding about you taking over half of HIS bills that He will benefit from. See the difference from you both owning the house and splitting things equally? What if the situation was reversed? Would you insist on what he is?

Stick firm here. He would never get anyone else to agree to these terms. Plus you don't even get to have any of your furniture in the house and you don't care that he has all these amenities like he does. He thinks its a gift to you to let you live in his big house with all his stuff to his taste and he suddenly has half the bills as before. Nah. Not cool.

Relationships have to be more even than this. Let him want you living with him enough to make some compromises. Do what Dragon said and buy a place with two house or a in law so you have a place to go if needed. Also you can biuld equity.

[newworld]

Standing ovation on your thinking! BRAVA!  This is CORRECT!

[eeyore]

I don't think that you should pay more than you are comfortable with. As to my roommate suggestion - no more than 800 a month (and thats alot!)
How much are you talking here?

You aren't going to be getting an equity - he is. You could buy a home and pay mortgage and it would be investing in YOU. If he wanted to get married and put you on the house then yeah you could pay half but also where is the "I will take care of you" in this? He shouldn't be so demanding about you taking over half of HIS bills that He will benefit from. See the difference from you both owning the house and splitting things equally? What if the situation was reversed? Would you insist on what he is?

Stick firm here. He would never get anyone else to agree to these terms. Plus you don't even get to have any of your furniture in the house and you don't care that he has all these amenities like he does. He thinks its a gift to you to let you live in his big house with all his stuff to his taste and he suddenly has half the bills as before. Nah. Not cool.

Relationships have to be more even than this. Let him want you living with him enough to make some compromises. Do what Dragon said and buy a place with two house or a in law so you have a place to go if needed. Also you can biuld equity.

1.  Way, way  more than $800/month
2.  If the roles were reversed I'd be happy and grateful. 
3.  I don't plan on buying something else.  I can rent for a year and then decide.  Why lock myself into something?  Because the market is in the dumps the equity I would build won't matter over the year.  Different story if the market was rising a lot.

[eeyore]

If he wanted to get married and put you on the house then yeah you could pay half but also where is the "I will take care of you" in this? He shouldn't be so demanding about you taking over half of HIS bills that He will benefit from. See the difference from you both owning the house and splitting things equally?

We would do a prenump and the house would remain his (if alive).  I would not take an equity interest if married because he has too much equity in his McMansion.  I could not come up with 1/2 of his equity to "buy" 50% interest in the McMansion.  So only relevant if we divorced. If he was dead it would be a non issue as his wife should get 100%.  So the split of the bills in this house will always be an issue.  And if we lived in another home we would each have premarital assets that we would each segregate.  Particularly our respective businesses. 

[ifsogirl26]

You'd be happy and grateful? I am not sure what you mean. Do you mean that you'd ask the same as he is asking from you? What would you ask him to pay if he was moving into your mansion?

[eeyore]

You'd be happy and grateful? I am not sure what you mean. Do you mean that you'd ask the same as he is asking from you? What would you ask him to pay if he was moving into your mansion?

If the roles were reversed I would not ask him to pay more than what he was paying for his mortgage and expenses.  I would be happy with the amount that I (eeyore) have said is agreeable to me. 

[ifsogirl26]

In the case of you never having an interest in the house you still shouldn't pay 1/2.
I would pay less and buy another house to build equity eventually. OR both of you could buy an investment property together? I don't know. Its hard. The best thing is to stay in your own comfort zone. Don't pay SO much. I think you are talking about over 2,000 a month to pay half for him. This is alot. You can do so much with that money. Also what would happen if you were sick, or hurt and couldn't work, would he take care of you and pay your share? Would you do the same for him?

[ifsogirl26]

I understand. What you were proposing seems very fair to me. Trust in your TRUTH  .

You are a reasonable and smart woman!

[eeyore]

Also what would happen if you were sick, or hurt and couldn't work, would he take care of you and pay your share? Would you do the same for him?

I can't answer for him.  I don't know what he would do.  As for me the question depends on if we are in a committed relationship or not.  As we are not committed to living together at this time I would help as much as possible.  I'm paying for my condo also.  If we were married no question I'd cover us as I wouldn't be paying for the condo. 

[DragoN]

1.  Way, way  more than $800/month

Forget it. At that level...No way.

Invest in YOU...stocks, real estate, fine art...not him and his house of himSELF.

NO way on earth I would go for that. That's me though.

In MY place, My house...I would appreciate my mate helping at whatever level he could afford while still covering the real expenses that his presence adds. Anything over and above is Good will.

Your BF uses Funky math to compute the value of living his 'lifestyle', that's his choice to live like that...and his responsibility to foot the bill.

Same deal with me essentially...if my husband wants XYZ in the picture and ME...then he has to pay for XYZ because I won't. I choose not to, or I can't afford it. End of discussion.

I don't even like paying rent...mortgage on my assets for the future...sure. Rent...  Burning money in the end. I moved, I rented out...and let others pay the mortgage for me. Great deal as far as I was concerned.

[eeyore]

What it costs additional for me to live there in water and electric is probably $200 a month.  $300 if I run the a/c subartic.   So I more than cover those "marginal" costs.  Like I said the amount I offered was for mtg, insurance, taxes, maint, utilities, on the house I owned.  And I had freedom to do whatever I wanted in to the inside and outside of my house.  So in my mind he is financially making out well.  Funny it's not good enough for him. 

[DragoN]

So in my mind he is financially making out well.  Funny it's not good enough for him. 

For what it's worth, I agree with you.

He's got some serious difficulty computing the value of living with him.

Hold your ground on this one...it's  a biggy and it will affect many other aspects of your life in the long run Eeyore.
You are the prize here...don't let go of that thought. Ok? Not his fancy dancy house he can 'sort of' afford...and fob off the expenses of, on your back at the cost of your financial future...while trying to sell you the thought that he is doing you a 'favor' to live his 'lifestyle.' ...It doesn't compute.

[TamiT]

I would be very hesitant.  You moved in before and he asked you to move out 3 days later.    Now, he wants you to pay more than you feel comfortable paying on a house that belongs to him and you will have no interest in.    He wants you to get rid of your furniture and prized possessions.  Very controlling behavior.    I'm a southern girl so my thinking may be a little backwoods and outdated but I think a man should have a desire to provide for and take care of his woman.  To that extent, what he is wanting does not sound very loverlike.  It sounds more like an argument two strangers would have about rooming together.  I'm a degreed professional and I can't imagine giving control of my living situation to someone with BPD.  Just my opinion.

[Wanda]

 WE had a big issue with this at first also..
 So now we each handle certain bills his checks goes in his checking account but his checking accout has my name on it as my checking accounts has his name on it, but we don't touch each other accounts.   WE basically split most bills not a normal bill like oil changes for the lawn mower every other week we tak turns putting gas in the cars.
  sometimes really stupid when i owe him like $5 due to a bill that needed to be split, or we are at a restraunt and we sit and try to split a bills
 There are times when he just pays for stuff and there are times i just pay for things not splitting any thing.  it works so i don't change it. 
 Just when we retire and no income but social security comes in, and most of my jobs even part time have the pension money we will have to combine or figure something out...  i am for what ever works!~! now we lived together three years before marriage, and still split bills not adding each other names once married we added the other one name to account. you don't want to be stuck there either..

[DragoN]

we are at a restraunt and we sit and try to split a bills

? Why would husband and wife split bills at a restaurant?

My husband hands me his wallet..."Pay the people."

When I was single...different story. Paid my way...married...my husband is the provider...and often jokes that "She's the boss...she controls the money."  Which couldn't be further from the truth. [ well...a little truthful..very little ]

He's old world...and I after a couple years...got used to it. Was the same with my parents.

* doesn't mean I don't have a little pot off to the side though...*

[truefriend]

I would just agree on a set amount and pay that once a month. Like a roommate. And honestly it should be cheaper than living on your own or it would just not be worth it. Splitting the utility bills is not really fair. If his house is large it is going to be more than what you are accustomed to doing. Why should you pay half of his electric bill when you are not going to increase it that much. if you would have wanted to pay for 200 lightbulbs you would be in that size house now. Does he have a pool? That increases electricity a lot. Yes, you will enjoy the pool but should you bear the burden of half? The decision of the size of his house was made before you, you didn't have a say. It shouldn't be your responsibility to help pay for that. I'd agree on a set amount, it's the only fair way.

[MaybeSo]

I agree with your gut instinct on this Eeyore, and the feedback you are getting.  If you wanted a McMansion, you would be leaving your own McMansion lifestyle and moving into his McMansion lifestyle; under those circumstances, perhaps things would be a bit different...that is not the case.  As I understand it, you are leaving a more modest lifestyle of your choosing,  and your s.o. just happens to choose a more extravagant and more expensive lifestyle and now wants you to share in that 50/50.  I can't really get my head around the following proposition:

BF:  I love you and want to live with you, but I expect you pay 1/2 of my McMansion lifestyle if you chose to live with me.  Oh, and by the way, you are not on the deed and will accrue NO equity and have no vested financial interest in my McMansion lifestyle.  So if our relationship goes south...in the end, you have spent a hell of a lot of money for the privilege of living with me in my McMansion but will have nothing to show for it.  Oh and one more thing, I don't really like your stuff so please spend your own  $$$ to keep that in storage and out of my McMansion.

You:  Ah, thanks but no thanks.

I will be curious to see how this gets worked out because if I move back in with my bf and eventually marrry him as he is campaigning for...I will have some very similar decisions to make.  I own my home, but will consider selling it.  I may even chose to take some of the proceeds of the sale and us it to make some improvements on the home I will be sharirng with him, but I would never do that unless I was on the deed and legally 50% owner of his property. 

[Wanda]

Why would husband and wife split bills at a restaurant

 WE do this at times and at times he pays one time i pay the next, it just is weird at times because it becomes a i owe you  you owe me kind of thing, and we are married. but it works and is  less stress on me , and so it doesn't  bother me
 if I have to do a transfer to his account into mine or mine into his because of a bill.
 I am a beleiver if it works why not.. expecially with someone who has BPD...  not worth the fight... this is one i chose my battle and decided it wasn't worth it.