Fresh week, another shot at the plan

[Think About It...]

OK, a fresh week is upon us. I have vented out most of my frustration and anger about my DD's holiday meltdowns. I'm embarrassed about my own meltdown, but I have accepted that I'm not perfect either. I'm going to call a therapist for ME today, and continue working on my own DBT skills. Back to my job. Worried because I'm about to get reassigned to job duties that I don't want. DH will handle DD's various hospital stuff today. AddictBF supposedly is out of the picture now.

So we start over yet again. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the movie Groundhog Day!  Patience is required. Two steps forward, random number of steps back. One foot in front of the other. "When you find yourself walking through hell, keep walking."

DD will likely return home today. Hopefully no more meltdowns, by her or me,  . One week until college classes start. Please just get her through to that. Restart her partial hospitalization program in a day or two, as soon as paperwork gets processed, but then a scary hiatus for the New Year's holiday.

Family meeting at last with all of us with DD's DBT therapist tonight. Then DD wants to try a NA meeting. Long day of driving for me, but hopefully worth it.

Have to figure out how to reconcile schedule of partial hospitalization program with her college class schedule. Several options, but none of them ideal. Hmmm.

Lord, give me strength, and patience, and wisdom, and compassion. And help me to keep my mouth shut and my mind open. Amen.

[momofrage]

OK, a fresh week is upon us. I have vented out most of my frustration and anger about my DD's holiday meltdowns. I'm embarrassed about my own meltdown, but I have accepted that I'm not perfect either. I'm going to call a therapist for ME today, and continue working on my own DBT skills. Back to my job. Worried because I'm about to get reassigned to job duties that I don't want. DH will handle DD's various hospital stuff today. AddictBF supposedly is out of the picture now.

So we start over yet again. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the movie Groundhog Day!  Patience is required. Two steps forward, random number of steps back. One foot in front of the other. "When you find yourself walking through hell, keep walking."

DD will likely return home today. Hopefully no more meltdowns, by her or me,  . One week until college classes start. Please just get her through to that. Restart her partial hospitalization program in a day or two, as soon as paperwork gets processed, but then a scary hiatus for the New Year's holiday.

Family meeting at last with all of us with DD's DBT therapist tonight. Then DD wants to try a NA meeting. Long day of driving for me, but hopefully worth it.

Have to figure out how to reconcile schedule of partial hospitalization program with her college class schedule. Several options, but none of them ideal. Hmmm.

Lord, give me strength, and patience, and wisdom, and compassion. And help me to keep my mouth shut and my mind open. Amen.

[stpmmy]

Momofrage,
I have been off the boards for a week or so and just caught up with your posts.  I am so sorry that it has been so tough.  It's funny, reading someone else's stuff.  I can relate to so much of what you describe and yet since it isn't MY drama, I see it with such different perspective.  It is so hard to be clear when you are "in it."  Dealing with these kids (regardless of the diagnostic label) can become all consuming.  It is the nature of their affliction I think.  Their drama keeps you involved...keeps them validated and never alone. 

I am glad to see you talk of reaching out for therapy of your own.  You have been doing so much for DD and DH and seems like you need some time for you.  An hour of therapy will probably feel as good as a week long vacation at this point.

So a few thoughts going through all of the posts...

- Al anon or something like it wouldn't be a bad resource for you.  You make the time for DD, make the time for you.

- Please don't buy her that car.  These kids cannot safely drive.  They also never go where they are supposed to.  If she gets hurt, I'd hate to think of your guilt at providing the vehicle.

- My udSD is the same age.   She will be 18 in Feb.  It's a tough call.  I imagine that is where the "I can legally do what I choose" statements will come only to be followed by the "please help me give me get me do me" statements will follow.  We are trying to prepare for this.  We are committed, of course, through the end of the HS year.  We will TRY to help her with a plan for the fall.  If she falls flat...I don't know.  I think there has to be limits

[stpmmy]

it ate half of my post...try again

Momofrage,
I have been off the boards for a week or so and just caught up with your posts.  I am so sorry that it has been so tough.  It's funny, reading someone else's stuff.  I can relate to so much of what you describe and yet since it isn't MY drama, I see it with such different perspective.  It is so hard to be clear when you are "in it."  Dealing with these kids (regardless of the diagnostic label) can become all consuming.  It is the nature of their affliction I think.  Their drama keeps you involved...keeps them validated and never alone. 

I am glad to see you talk of reaching out for therapy of your own.  You have been doing so much for DD and DH and seems like you need some time for you.  An hour of therapy will probably feel as good as a week long vacation at this point.

So a few thoughts going through all of the posts...

- Al anon or something like it wouldn't be a bad resource for you.  You make the time for DD, make the time for you.

- Please don't buy her that car.  These kids cannot safely drive.  They also never go where they are supposed to.  If she gets hurt, I'd hate to think of your guilt at providing the vehicle.

- My udSD is the same age.   She will be 18 in Feb.  It's a tough call.  I imagine that is where the "I can legally do what I choose" statements will come only to be followed by the "please help me give me get me do me" statements will follow.  We are trying to prepare for this.  We are committed, of course, through the end of the HS year.  We will TRY to help her with a plan for the fall.  If she falls flat...I don't
 know.  I think there has to be limits on what we will do.  Something like..."here are your choices; pick one and make it work.  If you don't want one, cannot come up with a reasonable alternative, and/or fail at the opportunity that has been GIVEN to you...well, then you are on your own to work for what you need. 

Do not forget that they are very capable.  The ability to manipulate, etc etc etc...all of those traits, can help them achieve things in the world.  They will get what they need...if they HAVE to.  They seem to just prefer that we do it for them as it is soooo validating. 

You will know what is right for you and your family.  We (I) only get a snapshot of you here on the boards.  Keep trying to help your DD in whatever way feels right for you (at any given time) but please take care of yourself.

BTW, you should be named momofperpetuallove...

All of the best  x  Stpmmy

[momofrage]

Stpmmy, thank you, especially for the perpetuallove part! My DH accused me of not loving DD the other day, when I was at the end of my rope and trying to come up with a plan to detach from her to save my own soul, and it really hurt me a lot.

I see a therapist on Jan. 5, and DH sees a different therapist for himself on Jan. 4. True to form, he thinks one session will be enough for him. DD's T suggested a marital therapist, he just rolled his eyes. I'm not quite ready to go there yet either. I think if I can get my anxiety under control, and he can work through some of his own FOG, the two of us might be OK together.

We have been having issues with the insurance company - they are dragging their feet on approving the day program at the hospital. I was off work yesterday and able to hang with DD, so no big deal. But I'm nervous about today - DH is out of town for work, and I will be away for 11 hours working myself. Hopefully she can hold it together.

HUGE BREAKTHROUGH yesterday - we went to register for the day program and had a nice long talk together with the addictions counselor there that DD likes. DD decided to go to a NA meeting, and she really liked it! Counselor pointed out how she needs to get a FEMALE sponsor, how no relationships (as in sexual/romantic) should come from the NA group. She is going to go to some additional NA meetings this week. I am SO PROUD of her. She actually admitted that maybe she does have an addiction problem. Counselor pointed out that she does have an addictive personality - it is so obvious - cigarettes, substances, BF's, whatever the obsession du jour is.

She also took the initiative to switch her college class to the evening, so that she is freed up to work the full several weeks of the hospital day program. I'm a little worried that she'll be TOO busy, but she needs the structure and is looking forward to getting back to school. It's only one 5 week class, so if it doesn't work out, it's no big deal.

She's also looking into some buddhist groups locally. They do a lot with meditation about mindfulness, suffering, and acceptance. I found some good meetings and retreats coming up soon, and I'll probably go with her, as I find it interesting too (I took a Zen Buddhism class in college). I don't plan to convert from being a Christian, but they have some good ideas and ways of living that are not contradictory to Christianity. DH will just roll his eyes at us getting into yet another New Age type thing. Oh well.

DD also shoveled out her room yesterday (ALL BY HERSELF!), so we can get started on redecorating it. She wants a fresh slate, and her grandparents gave her some room-decorating money for Xmas. DH said he'll help her paint it, but I'll believe it when I see it. I am scared to think of the mess if she tries to paint it by herself. I already said up front that I don't have the time or energy to paint, and I have arthritis in my wrists that is flaring up from all the stress, so painting now would be really uncomfortable.

All in all, a REALLY good day. I just hope she holds it together while I'm at work today.

Oh, and I bought myself a really good workbook on DBT techniques for depression and anxiety. I'm finding it very helpful. I am realizing that my anxiety levels are really controlling me. I expect therapist can help me with that too.

[tammy]

Buddhism definitely translates to DBT on many levels, I even recall reading that Marsha Lineham studied Buddhist principles as part of developing DBT. I read alot about Buddhism too and its very helpful for me, my daughter reads the same books ect and I'm hopeful some of it along with her DBT will "sink in".
Good to hear things are going more smoothly with your daughter. Addiction seems to be the underlying theme in my daughter too.. my eldest doesn't come home too often but she spent the Holiday weekend with us and she noticed that her BPD sister looked as though she was "wearing every awful feeling she'd ever experienced"... my BPD daughter is addicted to food, drinking and any other form of self injury she can think of. I had thought maybe I was projecting some sort of body dysmorphia onto her, I was hesitant to assess her physical appearance figuring my perceptions were distorted by how vile she can be towards me... so I wasn't sure if she was letting her self "go" or just letting me "down". I'm so on edge that sometimes I magnify pretty normal behavior and lose sight of the really irrational and "BPD" stuff, but my eldest confirmed that my BPD daughter looks like she's not really taking care of herself.  I keep hoping that she'll get to a place where she chooses at least one healthy thing to integrate into her life. Amazingly she has a really nice boyfriend (for about 2 months now) who she and my other nonBPD daughter have known for years... he is the first guy who she's bothered to have dinner with his family and even go on outings with his family; normally she becomes immediately attached to her bf, consuming every waking moment with hiding in her room with him watching tv or getting drunk or worse then getting into huge fights... but I know better then to get my hopes up or to project too many expectations! Until she can care about and love herself, there's little hope for any long term stable relationships.
Take care and let your daughter paint her room herself... my daughter always starts things on high drive then fizzles out leaving her dad or I to complete the project!

[MyBigMouth]

I have linehans DBT workbook, I was wondering what workbook do you have?
Glad to hear that DD is doing better.

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[Butterfly9]

Momofrage, I can identify with you. This is my first week on the boards and I'm so grateful to have found all of you!   My DD is now 21 and we seem to repeat the same cycles over and over.  I saw my counselor yesterday and we devised a plan.  I took advice from others who posted to stay calm, set boundaries, repeat, repeat.  My DD is with her Dad for a few days and will come back here on Jan 1.  I emailed this to my ex to give to my DD.  I'm sure the sparks will fly tonight after she reads it.  I think I am on the right track because this feels peaceful inside me. 

Here is what I sent.

Dear "Daughter',
                I LOVE YOU and there is never a question about that.  Don’t ever forget that!
 
I want our time together to be good, not fraught with tension and pain.  So, when you come to visit  these are the ground rules.
Respectful behavior – this means:
·         Discussions, but no swearing at me.  We will also treat you courteously.
·         No throwing or breaking things.
·         No pushing, shoving, barring my way, or aggressive behavior.
·         No knives or threatening to cut.  I will call 911.
 
If stressors get to be too much and a discussion changes to a meltdown, you have 10 minutes to give me all you’ve got.  I will listen, I will not interrupt.   I will give you my full attention. [ This does not mean I will always agree with you.]
After that you can call your Dad if you need to continue to vent, but you must go to your room to do that [or outside or to your car].
Or you can go to your room after you've spoken to me for 10 minutes to calm yourself.  I will check on you after 30 minutes. 
Or you can go home.
 
This is my home.  Yes, you have a room, but you are not a dependent child anymore.  You are a guest when you are here.  And guests get treated very well.
I repeat, I love you.  I’m sorry you are hurting.    You are a bright, beautiful woman and I cannot tell you how much I enjoy our peaceful times together.
Love, Mom

[MyBigMouth]

Posted by: Butterfly9, 

your letter is truly beautiful.  You have put a lot of thought into it and it shows and no where in there is any negativity.  I hope your daughter takes it as it is meant to be.

[peaceplease]

Butterfly,

Your letter was very good. It made me think that perhaps I should devise a similar letter.  However, I also have a problem with my DH interactions with her.  I think that he would end up arguing and swearing at her.  I have seen him get in her face when he really gets mad, and of course she eggs him on to hit her.  He never has, but she always invites people to hit her.  And, I am guilty of getting in her face and yelling when I was really mad.  I was really good for the longest time in remaining calm while she went off, however, lately, I am guilty of losing it during her episodes.  I think that if it was just me and her, I could remain calm for the majority of the time.  She is so disrespectful to me and will cuss at me.  I do not cuss.  She didn't pick up her extended vocabulary from me.  But, I do find myself telling my Dh to watch his mouth.  It is mainly for my 3 y.o. gs.  Already, he knows all the forbidden words.

I wish that my DD had another place to go.  Unfortunately, this is her home.  I am trying to get her into other housing.  I picked up applications for her to fill out for various apts. that have income based rent, but not really public housing.   I made the mistake of moving her out of the apt. that she had in public housing.  It was after she went to rehab.  I wanted to help her, and I did not want my gs living in that environment.  I know that kids were running around unsupervised and parents were cussing at their young kids.  I wanted my gs out of there.  Also, I thought that it would help with her drug issues.  However, I have learned, otherwise.  I have gone above and beyond to help her, and I give up.  I absolutely can not live with her anymore.  I have put up with her, only for the sake of my gs.  However, all this fighting is not good for him, either.  We do have behavior problems with him, too, now.  However, it's no wonder with all of the chaos in his life.

Let me re-iterate, I love your letter.

[lazell]

I'm embarrassed about my own meltdown, but I have accepted that I'm not perfect either. I'm going to call a therapist for ME today   Hmmm.

Lord, give me strength, and patience, and wisdom, and compassion. And help me to keep my mouth shut and my mind open. Amen.

Things actually are going pretty well for me and my D, however ... we had a major episode Monday and I must confess, I do take the blame for that one. I am truly really trying to change myself, the way I do things, the way I handle things and when I do it right, it does work out better for us. However, the truth of the matter is, I am afraid of my daughter. I am afraid of confrontations because they are so draining, as you know, they never run out of ammunition and can tear us down and completely apart. Knowing that I need to address certain issues, put some boundaries in place, I mull it over and over in my head prior, trying to find that strength of endurance and power before hand, in hopes that I can stay in control of the situation and not let my daughter take off with it in a vengeance and rage. I think the problem begins when I begin my approach being in this fear, my strength is fake. Trying to hide my weakness, I try to take on the role of authority. Well, we all know that BPD people, reject authority, so what does that tell me I can expect? Rejection of what ever it is I am trying to set in place, let the battle begin.

Okay, so I do slip now and then but I do have great hopes and strong beliefs that the Lord will help me learn how to change myself, give me the right kind of strength, patience, compassion, and wisdom. I can't always keep my mouth shut, but I do need to learn how to use it wisely. Therapy is really helping me a great deal and I do think it wonderful that you have made that decision for yourself. My therapist doesn't tell me anything that I have not already concluded prior to my visit, but it just truly helps to have someone who understands what I am going through and someone that can appreciate what may seem to someone else minor, is a huge huge step of progress when dealing with a BPD child. She also gives me much food for thought, things to ponder that I myself need to look at and work at.

Also suggested in a reply post, al anon may be a good resource. I am going to check out some groups in our area. I do have a friend that attends and I have attended a couple of times to give her support. The lessons within these groups do pertain to all of us, reminding us that the only person we can truly change and control, is ourselves.

Many Blessings to you my friend

[Butterfly9]

To everyone who has taken another shot at the plan! (as I have many times.) 
My DD read the email I sent to her.  She called and said she was very hurt that she would be considered a guest at my home.  She tried to manipulate everything I had written, but writing it was my salvation!  I just kept saying, "no, I didn't say that, this is what I said."  She can remember everything and twist and turn it.  I didn't engage and she didn't escallate.  She is mad though and said she may never see me again.  I said I hoped that wasn't true, but if so that would be her choice.  Also, for the first time in a long time, she didn't threaten suicide.  Somehow when you don't react it takes that card off the table.  I'm sure this will escallate for awhile as she tries to push back, but my stomach feels good for the first time in days/weeks/months.  We just have to keep trying new stuff to see what will work.
I hope and pray we all have a better 2010.  Peace to all of you! 2

[Butterfly9]

Also, thanks to those to read my letter and commented on it.  That meant a lot to me.

[momofrage]

Good to get updates from all of you - no time to comment on each one as I'm working the holiday today (I volunteered since I've missed so much time from work with DD's crises).

Anyway, things are good here so far. The stupid insurance company dragged their feet so that she couldn't get into the hospital day program until yesterday - they only approved three days with the possibility of more, not the several weeks I had hoped for - but then yesterday was cancelled for snow so she couldn't go anyway! So she's been out of the hospital since Monday afternoon and will resume this coming Monday for three days. DH is panicked that she will crash again - it's always over the weekends - and insists he will bring a huge lawsuit against insurance company if that happens.

I had a panicky afternoon Weds. when I called home from work and couldn't reach DD for hours. It turned out she was just napping for a long time. The new dosages of meds make her SO sleepy. We need to address that with the pdoc after the holidays. Last night she fell asleep at the restaurant over dinner - just nodded off in the middle, like a senior citizen. It was creepy. She's also been dizzy. But her mood has been quite stable, at least for her, and she's been pleasant most of the time.

Had a good chat with a coworker about NA. I had no idea she had been in it. She gave me the inside scoop. Too bad we don't live near her - she said their local group has a bunch of teens in NA that get together socially as a group for dances, parties and such.

DD wanted to go to NA on Wednesday night, but both of the locations we went to that were supposed to have meetings didn't have anyone there. Maybe closed for the holiday, or the groups have folded. Last night we had a celebration at home, just the three of us. DD had non-alcoholic wine, we played a game (she beat us and was very happy about that), and went to bed before midnight. Hopefully, the NA meeting tonight will be happening.

There is a certain peace and focus I see with DD now. The only storm cloud on the horizon is the exBF is talking about coming to visit. He is a nice kid, but he got caught at school on 2 separate occasions, once with alcohol and once with pot. He is quite amused that DD is going to NA. DD says he should go too, but of course he's not interested. So I am worried if he comes that he will be a bad influence on her (sex addiction even if she avoids the substances). But if we prohibit it, we may have a replay of her despair when we banned addictBF. HMMMMM...

Oh, and in other good news, DD announced that once she finishes her existing packs of cigarettes, she is going to quit, because cigarettes are an addiction too. Hooray! I hope she can stick with it, I'm sure it will be very hard. I hate the smell of cigarettes, even though she doesn't smoke in my house or car I can still smell it when I'm near her.

Her community college class starts Tuesday. Dear God, please just let her hold it together until then. My therapy starts then too.