Just need to vent a little.

[Think About It...]

My dBPDgf shut down on me today at the grocery store. I flip flopped on whether I wanted apple cider tonight. She became annoyed and I attempted to defend myself. I do not get angry in this relationship. I do not have the ability to express any type of dissatisfaction with her. I ever so slightly raised my voice and she went into her I am causing a scene, people are looking at us routine. Absolutely not true. I'm sorry, I know you know how this happens and the overreactions, etc. She stormed out and our entire Thanksgiving day plans are out the window, she wants to be alone today. I attempted very calmly to address the situation which has been deteriorating for weeks. She insisted I was falling all over her(engulfing) and that she was feeling unable to have a life of her own. Extreme codependent stuff going on between us due to the fact that we both are on edge and insecure about the relationship.

Anyway, I am becoming resigned to the fact that this won't be forever. I'm very sad. She is really(as we all know) a wonderful person. I know she loves me, but she is in the phase of feeling engulfed and my insecurity and walking on eggshells just makes matters worse. Everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to.

I am grateful for this forum. It is the only thing in my life which makes me feel like I am not alone right now.

[mbloh]

My dBPDgf shut down on me today at the grocery store. I flip flopped on whether I wanted apple cider tonight. She became annoyed and I attempted to defend myself. I do not get angry in this relationship. I do not have the ability to express any type of dissatisfaction with her. I ever so slightly raised my voice and she went into her I am causing a scene, people are looking at us routine. Absolutely not true. I'm sorry, I know you know how this happens and the overreactions, etc. She stormed out and our entire Thanksgiving day plans are out the window, she wants to be alone today. I attempted very calmly to address the situation which has been deteriorating for weeks. She insisted I was falling all over her(engulfing) and that she was feeling unable to have a life of her own. Extreme codependent stuff going on between us due to the fact that we both are on edge and insecure about the relationship.

Anyway, I am becoming resigned to the fact that this won't be forever. I'm very sad. She is really(as we all know) a wonderful person. I know she loves me, but she is in the phase of feeling engulfed and my insecurity and walking on eggshells just makes matters worse. Everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to.

I am grateful for this forum. It is the only thing in my life which makes me feel like I am not alone right now.

[innerspirit]

Hi Mbloh -- sorry your plans for today were so disrupted.  Holiday pressures seemed to make it worse with my X -- an extreme of black/white thinking that either it was to be a perfect "Hallmark Card" day or it was trash.  If it was venturing too close to being a so-called perfect day, X couldn't tolerate that either and he would do something to sabotage the day's plans.
If it wasn't the apple cider triggering your dBPDgf, there may well have been something else to set her off.
Please know you're not alone. These relationships are so isolating, the BP seems to want it that way so that they don't have to deal with any differing reality -- but the community here really gets it.
I.S.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[mbloh]

I.S.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your support.

Mbloh

[lovinghating]

Hi Mbloh --   Holiday pressures seemed to make it worse with my X -- an extreme of black/white thinking that either it was to be a perfect "Hallmark Card" day or it was trash.  If it was venturing too close to being a so-called perfect day, X couldn't tolerate that either and he would do something to sabotage the day's plans.

I.S.

And it doesn't just have to be stress from holidays...my uBPDbf was driving me nuts when he was buying another house!  Once it was his and he had new projects to work on (projects seem to be a type of release for him) he's back to his wonderfully loving self...at least for the time being anyway.  Unfortunately there are other stresses that will be coming up next month that I can at least prepare myself for. 

[innerspirit]

Once it was his and he had new projects to work on (projects seem to be a type of release for him) he's back to his wonderfully loving self...at least for the time being anyway. 

Yeah projects.  X seemed to enjoy them too -- and also they gave him the "rights" to playing the tired, overburdened martyr after the fact.  The guy couldn't take a day off, too many thoughts to outrun, I guess.

[redrover]

projects, hmmm...?
do you guys find though that your BPDs are always great and keen to start in on projects but rarely finish them?   ?
.Mine loses interest after the first few days or so- I have half finished sock monkeys, scrapbooking ( huge mess left for me) knitting of afghans, rooms being half way re- modeled( I am always left with the less to put away after being scared to death to touch mess for at least few months, and then I give up and tackle it myself) , CHrismas ornaments, what else ? rooms being torn aoart to clean ( an dthen left after BPD goes into rage over something ) pennies being rolled , half done and then left as mess !
This was not supposed to be my life ! 

[Squeek]

Holidays are definitly a hard time in these relationships.  I dread Christmas every year, it should be a time of happiness and family fun, but it almost always end up with me in the doghouse over some minor infraction.  I DREAD it!  I think the only thing you can do is prepare by recognizing that Holidays are hard for whatever rediculous reason and by being prepared you can do whatever necessay to prevent the negative reactions. 
Having said that I feel rather rediculous, Why should any of us have to prepare or act a certain way in order to prevent someone else from behavimg badly?  This is when I start really believing that if the individual is not willing to get help then those close to them need to consider moving on and at least realise and enjoy thier own happiness (due and deserved).