Asking for separation (had thought she was too?) -admitted herself to psych ward

[Think About It...]

More to come... but basically I think the last 4 yrs of marriage has been rough, despite significant improvements by my BPw. After she began complaining about our sex life (somewhat legit too) recently and weird things started happening (her dose of risperdal was recently reduce?), I announced that I wasn't happy, wasn't feeling great in the r'ship, etc. Writing this as I kind of sulk at home alone... tough stuff to kind of figure out. I feel like I can easily be sucked back in to a life where we don't separate (we'll prob. have to continue living together). She said she admitted herself to deal with stuff and also to give me some space. I guess lots more to come explaining. But I just wanted to get this out of me.

[laker]

More to come... but basically I think the last 4 yrs of marriage has been rough, despite significant improvements by my BPw. After she began complaining about our sex life (somewhat legit too) recently and weird things started happening (her dose of risperdal was recently reduce?), I announced that I wasn't happy, wasn't feeling great in the r'ship, etc. Writing this as I kind of sulk at home alone... tough stuff to kind of figure out. I feel like I can easily be sucked back in to a life where we don't separate (we'll prob. have to continue living together). She said she admitted herself to deal with stuff and also to give me some space. I guess lots more to come explaining. But I just wanted to get this out of me.

[KateCat]

Laker,

I'm sorry for the tough time you're going through. Just want to say that your wife's reasoning for admitting herself--to help both her and you--sounds, well, pretty darn good compared to the events surrounding most mental health admissions that are described on these boards. I think it's important to remember that you and your feelings do matter here, even though your wife is the one in the hospital. Keep your thoughts as grounded and calm as possible, and don't let this rattle you.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[JoannaK]

So where is she now, laker?  Can you give us an update?

[laker]

So here's an update... sorry about earlier, I didn't have a chance to write as much as I would have liked...

So my BPw is still in the psych ward. I visited her today and we talked about things. She says that she wants to fight for our marriage, and that she was only complaining about our sex life. Fine. But I have been thinking about things and I"m just not sure. Also, I was talking to a friend (female) who I know through a volunteer organization I work with and in speaking to her (we only recently started chatting online to coordinate something but continued chatting near-daily as I IM with friends a lot), she pointed out to me that it did strike her that I was IMing her and that she had thought to herself "Why is this married guy constantly IMing me..." and noted it made her wonder if something was missing in my marriage. Now that point came out of me stating that boundaries were kinda important if we were gonna be friends & chat a lot while I was simultaneously going through marital issues. Her comment felt like a slap in the face wake up call. She's right. I have probably been searching, without acknowledging it, for escape or something else, for like 6 months now. Simultaneously, my r'ship with BPw was improving, but in a superficial way.

While her disorder and issues may have been improving, we spent less time together. We stopped altogether doing most things I'd like to do with a partner. We stopped going for walks, going to parks, going out... also, cleaning and stuff has been horrible @ our place, making the house dirty and chaotic feeling. Time management has been huge. I realize I feel like I'm managing her time AND mine.

The truth is, she's probably improving. But I feel like the dynamic of our r'ship has already changed... I feel like, and likely alot of it is my fault, I'm in a father role more often than not. I think our sex life is tough because I can't completely see her in a sexual light.

Now, I find myself thinking of what a normal r'ship would be like. We've talked about it... and I think we just finally negotiated the idea that we will give each other space for now (first by moving into separate rooms, and possibly by her moving in with another friend for a while), and will be considered separated - and date other folks. I know it's harsh, but I really really want to find out what a more normal r'ship would be like.

Additionally, the woman who made the comment (via instant message) to me and I clearly have some underlying tensions (feelings). I saw her recently at a function related to the work we do, but that was before most of the conversations we've now had. In the past 24 hrs I finally came out and just stated that we really probably shouldn't talk (after discussing the tensions) and we cut off from one another. I do feel like if BPw and I separate, I may want to date her (clearly very strong feelings). But in the mean time I feel like I need a break and a breather to find myself, which I feel I've lost in the past few yrs to some degree. I'm not entirely sure if I'm throwing something great out, or if I'm just afraid to move on when I really should be. Note that we've been married for 4 yrs.

[an0ught]

The truth is, she's probably improving. But I feel like the dynamic of our r'ship has already changed... I feel like, and likely alot of it is my fault, I'm in a father role more often than not. I think our sex life is tough because I can't completely see her in a sexual light.

Sounds familiar. I was the mother of my uBPDw  ? Only recently after plenty of validation and boundaries things start getting more normal.

Now, I find myself thinking of what a normal r'ship would be like. We've talked about it... and I think we just finally negotiated the idea that we will give each other space for now (first by moving into separate rooms, and possibly by her moving in with another friend for a while), and will be considered separated - and date other folks. I know it's harsh, but I really really want to find out what a more normal r'ship would be like.

You have been long enough on the board to know that you are playing with fire. She is fighting abandonment and is struggling to control herself. You dating around in plain sight is not being tolerated. Would be hard to a normal wife - is going to be impossible for BPDw determined to fight. It is also worth pointing out that after all the drama and push-pull of a BPD relationship your radar will be off and it is generally recommended to recover first before going into a new relationship.

[laker]

So just to clarify...

a) Wife is now out of the Psych ward, I picked her up Friday (helped to ensure her request to leave on Friday vs Monday was satisfied).

b) We had a really tough conversation... esp. about her feeling like I'm already moving on, and me explaining myself and my feelings. The truth is, while I feel like I HAVE moved on emotionally... I am not necessarily moving on to another r'ship or anything like that.

c) an0ught, I appreciate your comments. First, my BPw is much-improved from when I met her and certainly further along in addressing her issues than most BPD spouses I've seen written about here. I am aware of the abandonment issues and all of that. And I have made sure I am aware and sensitive to them. We have had several conversations now (we already moved into separate rooms and are beginning to separate our things) about the fact that no matter what happens to our r'ship, I am here for her and I will keep to my fiscal promises (she's going to school and we agreed that I would take on the fiscal burden while she goes to school, and in exchange she would take care of additional household things - the agreement was so that she had less on her plate, and less stress, so she wouldn't have break downs).

I will not be dating in plain sight, or anything like that. For now, I probably won't be dating at all, despite our discussions. We have a major trip to take together in a few weeks in fact, and there's not too much we can do about changing that (it would be a financial killer to cancel it, and I would not cancel it... it's an important trip 4 me). We will take it I guess and then try to figure out how we're going to deal with being abroad together sharing a room (and probably a bed).

I have been thinking a lot lately, and I think that, while I'm not sure if this is the right decision, it does feel like the right one. There have been many high ups and low downs during our marriage... and while I remember those high ups, I struggle to truly get past the low downs, let alone to manage in our married life day-to-day (I often feel a little overwhelmed that since we both lack certain qualities, such as time management or cleaning/cooking skills, my life feels like it's in constant disarray).

I hope I don't sound like a rambling idiot. Just letting out some thoughts... If it's one thing, if we don't make it and the separation leads to divorce, I will be losing what will certainly be an amazing future mother (to give folks some insight, since I know it's easy to pigeon-hole my BPw as just a disorder, as that's what we all often see).

The one thing that is really hard to tell is if I'm making this decision for the right reasons, and differentiating between what are inevitable marital issues vs. issues that are irreconcilable (for ex. the way BPD manifests itself and the consequences of those trips/rages/etc)

[an0ught]

For a "rambling idiot" you got your thoughts too well ordered and have considered all angles. It is a good sign that you are making decisions and are moving forward - our executive mindset suffers from BPD. You will never know whether a decision has been the right one but still you got to make one. Decisions can also be revised but one should not constantly doubt them.

Happy peaceful holidays

[kj1234]

laker,

Sounds like you are in a tough situation and have given it a lot of time and thought.

I have not read your past posts, so I don't know your story and situation so much.  I will tell you that what really stands out for me is what an0ught said about you playing with fire.  You seem to be on the fence about the new woman.  I think it may be best to keep her completely out of the mix until you make some kind of decision.  To be blunt, I don't think you can truly say you are making a valiant or reasonable effort at saving your marriage if you have either or both you and/or your wife have the issue of this other woman looming.  I also don't think it is fair to her, regardless of what has happened in your marriage in the past.  So, be careful with that.  In my mind, if you continue to fuel or keep a light under the new potential relationship, you are really pushing your marriage to an inevitable end, or at least to a place where it may never have potential to be all that it can be.

I understand it can be difficult to know truly what another type of relationship would be like without living it, but that is a given with marriage.  Have you had relationships before?  Do you have other friends, relatives, etc., who are in marriages or relationships?  I also understand you may recognize you are in the FOG and want to get to a place where you can see clearly.  I was there too and the insidiousness of being in a relationship with a BPD really can do a number on your thinking, so I understand where you are coming from.  It has taken me a while of NC to really start to see things differently.  Some contact with other women, though not romantic or sexual, does put a different spin on my thoughts, as I guess it did for my stbxw while she was having affairs.  But I really don't think actually having an emotional affair, or inviting one, or not really rejecting one, is fair to your wife, regardless of other behavior, of which I admit I am not aware.  In a way it is taking away your options for your marriage without taking responsibility for it.

The other woman will always be out there--if not her, then another.  And as an0ught also said, it is probably best if you do leave, to take some time first to recover a bit.  I can't say I am 100% sure this is always best, but I think it is.  I believe my stbxw took lots of time to cultivate and secure another relationship before she left.  Maybe that will work just fine for her.  I now realize she did the same with me over a fairly long period while she was with her first husband.  I didn't take the bait at first because she was married, but a little interaction over a long period of time, her outright deceit about what was going on in her first marriage, and her flight from her marital home as soon as she thought she had me in her claws, all seemed to indicate she was telling the truth, had given long consideration to her decision, that her husband was completely in tune with it, etc.  None of this was really true and it did not help to form a strong foundation for our marriage, which I did not understand until much later.  I know you are being more honest, but I suggest you be brutally honest with yourself in this one, as it sounds like you are trying to be.  One rule of thumb is to not do anything you would not willingly admit to others, especially your wife, with whom you made vows of honesty and loyalty.  Following that rule can keep you from straying too far from the right path, whatever it may be, and it sounds like you are pretty much following it, though you may have strayed a little.  Understandable under the circumstances.

I do respect and admire your wife for admitting some of her problems, taking action and improving.  Maybe it is too little too late and maybe it is just a response to the fear of losing you.  Only you and she can make that call.  I wish you both well.

Not easy to make the decision you are making, I realize.  Best wishes with it.