PERSPECTIVES: Isn't marriage susposed to be forever

[homerakguy]

In sickness and in health?

Sounds easy.  

Along with my "Knight in shining armor" approach,  Being analytical and believing I can fix anything, has kept me trying to reach some semblance of normalcy in my marriage for 22 years.  I find it hard to accept failure.  I've told myself she's not really a bad person, just has a medical condition.  Is it proper to abandon your mate over diabetes, cancer, a broken leg or some other condition that can seriously infringe on your happiness?  What about a mental/emotional/personality condition?  How do I justify separating myself when I made a promise for better or worse till death?  There have been good times, there has been hope at times.  It's not a condition she has brought upon herself, not something she even understands.  I feel more like a father than a husband.  I feel like I've been trying to cope with a misbehaving child rather than a partner.  The situation is certainly not what I signed up for but I made the commitment just the same.  

How do I convince myself that walking away is the right thing to do?

[gertrude]

What if had been a medical condition instead of a psychological one?

I've heard that opinion a lot of times on this website - that what if had been a medical condition instead of a psychological one - didn't we promise to love them through sickness and health - I've given that a great deal of thought - every situation is different - and I am not judging yours.  

There are different degrees of mental illness and each case stands on its own merits - there are situations that may be more workable than others, and pwBPD with a greater ability to recognize their issues and work on them - but for those that don't - those that blame all that is wrong on their partners and are abusive toward them.

I don't think that that is the same as standing by someone who develops a physical illness.  The physical illness does not necessarily have to interfere with the emotional intimacy a couple shares - the kindness they can show one another.  For me, bpd did.  It slam dunked me and caused my children to hardly come around anymore - it caused my friends to not want to come around any more.  It drove a stake deep into my heart and broke it to pieces - while diabetes may destroy the person with the disease, it seems that bpd destroys the loving bystander.  Therein lies the difference, and it is huge.  And whether they can help their behavior or not is a question that has been raised on this forum many times.  I have ordered M.Scott Peck's book, "People of the Lie"  - it is reviewed and discussed on this site - he seems to think that they know they are the cause of our suffering - that their actions and thoughts occur on a conscious - not subconscious level.  If this is true, it makes them culpable.  It makes them responsible.

I would have given anything to make my relationship work - I just knew it was never going to get better and in fact, it was going to get worse.  

Had there been a shred of hope, I would have stayed and worked with him.  

But w/o that, there would have been nothing left of me.  

I had no choice.  And it is his responsibility.  Of that, I am completely clear.

Carol

[DavidWebb]

I was same way...'surrender is not a word' was the way I was raised.  My religious and moral background kept me from detaching long after I should have...

One day I had a conversation with a good friend that is a recovering alcoholic.  He hasn't had a drink in 18 years, attends AA weekly, and sponsors/coaches others in their recovery.

He told me that the first step in recovery is to get help yourself.  You can not force others to get help, only encourage and support.

I asked the same question about the medical condition...he told me: if your wife had cancer and refused to get treatment and didn't follow the advice of her doctor, then she would be betraying your love and family.

[mjs1973]

I feel EXACTLY the same way as Homerakguy.

I've been on here off and on for nine months or so, and most recently my uBPDw suddenly moved out when I seriously threatened divorce if she didn't stop all contact with her (second) emotional affair - which has lasted a year this week... I go back and forth between listening to EVERYBODY (her brother and sister-in-law included) that tell me to get out and divorce her yesterday. Sometimes that feels right, but NO ONE else has to live with the decision except ME. I have to feel like I tried everything, gave it all when there was nothing left to give. I can't let ten years just go down the toilet... That being said, maybe my next post will be toeing the NC/fix yourself you can't fix her line that I hear all over the place. I have no doubt that it is all well intentioned, but SO much harder to practice than to give as advice. There's something inside me that just won't give up - my God won't give up on me, so I won't give up on the second promise I made to Him - my marriage vows (the first was becoming a Christian)...

[gdg1234]

I left my 22 marriage two months ago. we have kids (s21, d17). we had many good times, and functioned well outwardly. but behind closed doors, things were much more complicated - issues of trust, problems with intimacy, strict roles, control, raging over minor issues left me stressing to be in her company.

i am finding lots of good advice on these message boards, and confirm that NC is a pretty good place to start the process of re-evaluating your life and your future.

it's a very tough decision to abandon/give-up when you have spent most of your adult life investing/maintaining this relationship, and you finally accept that is not working.

wishing you strength and courage! i am finding it too
george

[Skip]

It is a huge decision, life changing for us (especially those in long-term marriages), life changing for our children and our families.   It shouldn't be an easy one.  To struggle with this is to be expected.  To repeatedly try different alternatives is a natural response.  

To succeed or eventually give up are both reasonable outcomes.  

What matters most is how we approach it - our character, our ability to see our role in it (research has shown that we significantly affect pwBPD and the relationship dynamics*), and our ability to make good choices through the process.  

Sometimes we are so worn out from the bad relationship dynamics we, too, are fraught with "twisted thinking". Depression is common (75% of our members) and this twisted (irrational) thinking is a hallmark of depression.  We call it fleas,but it's a little more serious than the name implies.

So we can remain stuck in indecision for overly long periods (years), or unable to see our roles and not be willing to make as much change as we are asking of others, or becoming resentful victims,  or be stuck in recovery afterward (years) - this is where we suffer - and that is mostly about us.

This is often hard to accept on top of everything else.  So I think sometimes we focus too much on our partner and their behavior as the determinant of the outcome.  And this can get us into unrealistic thoughts  - our  the partner doesn't have to be "evil" for us to leave or even for us to have suffered.  These "thinking" often get us into trouble.

It can simply be that they are weak, and immature, and we let the relationship dynamics get even more out of balance because we have "not so great" relationship skills and ego weaknesses.  

Its true that some of these relationships are abusive of power (and that very serious and different) - but many of these relationship are abusive by lack emotional fulfillment and poor day to day interaction - which is serious, but very different.

I had a friend that started a relationship with a man who had to sleep every night in iron lung. There was no question that he wasn't going to live a long healthy life, and every year was a struggle- but she did it.  I admire her for it.  I personally wouldn't do it.

Who is the better person?  

Maybe a better question is "why am I wanting to analyze it on this level (good vs bad)."

It's about us. It's about what we stand for. It's about what we believe in. If she could find fulfillment in this relationship (she did) - she accomplished something wonderful.  If I would be resentful of the sacrifice and having identity or self esteem issues in a relationship like this - its clear I made a bad call going in - that I should change (myself - alone or in conjunction with my partner) or make a responsible exit.

I'm stating the obvious I know.  And describing a model like this is very simple conceptually and much more complex on a day to day basis - but I thought I'd hang it out there with the other excellent comments in this thread as something to weigh in with the other thoughts.

Skippy

* This does not mean responsible for or able to correct the other person.  It just means if you pair a pwBPD with different people the relationships will be different.

[Neal]

Wow Skip!

I'm just, as in the last few months, rounding the bend you described so eloquently in post. It has been such a challenge to arrive at just beginning to accept that reality. Thank you for posting that.


Other threads containing posts like others have made here helped me to begin realizing it and, more important for me, actually feel it. (By golly, it took me years to feel it.) Thanks to all that have posted on this thread.

I really can't think of anything to add to the experiences and perspectives offered so far except to write that no matter how long it takes, keep working on proper healing; it does pay off.