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Think About It... Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.~ Lynne Forrest
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Author Topic: Could she be manipulating my feelings?  (Read 2328 times)
Md993
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« on: December 16, 2009, 08:31:34 AM »
Is it reasonable to think that my BPDer is using other mento manipulate my feelings?
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jalk
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« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2009, 09:19:10 AM »
Excellent manipulators. They know you better than you know you. They know how to jerk your chain and get what they want. BEWARE!
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Md993
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« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2009, 09:28:27 AM »
It's hard for me to believe that they can really be putting that much effort
into manipulating me.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2009, 09:32:54 AM »
Quote from: Md993 on December 16, 2009, 09:28:27 AM
It's hard for me to believe that they can really be putting that much effort
into manipulating me.

I agree.

We, the non, tend to respond to the person with BPD in certain ways. Their behavior plugs into our insecurities, our codependence, etc.

That doesn't automatically mean that deliberate manipulation is going on.

Their behavior is rarely about us, per se. It's about their internal problems and upsets.
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JoannaK
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2009, 09:46:27 AM »
I agree with auspicious.  Most manipulation (not all) is not conscious.  She may realize that being with other men is very painful to you, md, but that is not necessarily the primary reason she is with the other men.  Also remember that she is probably angry or disappointed with you for some reason.  The reason may make sense to her, but may not make any sense to the rest of us.  But, because she is angry or disappointed in you, she feels perfectly within her rights to do whatever she wants to do.   
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Md993
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« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2009, 09:52:16 AM »
Yes Joanna I understand that. But she picks men that are so not her type. Short, unattractive, players... All things she hates about men. They are held to a
much lower standard than me. The shrinks say she does this to fill a void and so
that she keep herself from
getting attached to anyone else because I am
her imago or idealized parent. Then she has told
me
that these guys mean nothing to her and that she thinks about
me on her dates with them. ?

And you are right she is very angry with me! But I didn't
really do anything wrong. I enforced a boundry.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2009, 09:55:50 AM »
It sounds like there may be a conflict between what the "shrinks" are telling you and your own thoughts about the matter - otherwise you wouldn't be asking?
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JoannaK
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« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2009, 10:01:44 AM »
Good point, auspicious...  Do you think the shrinks are right?

I think the question is whether or not she consciously chooses the kind of men she does for the reasons that the shrinks think she picks them.     

Of course she will be angry if you hold to a boundary...  That's the other side of boundaries:  The BPD peson may get or remain angry and/or may leave.. ether temporarily or permanently.  Boundaries aren't about the relationship or the other person..  they are about us, the non, and what we will or won't accept in our life.
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Md993
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« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2009, 10:38:34 AM »
I think I question what the shrinks say because of my own insecurities. Even though we have ridden this roller coaster for 4 years I still question whether she will come back. It will never end until I end it they say. And I wish I felt like I had the degree of power in the situation that they say I have.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #9 on: December 16, 2009, 10:40:24 AM »
Quote from: Md993 on December 16, 2009, 10:38:34 AM
And I wish I felt like I had the degree of power in the situation that they say I have.

What precisely do you wish you had the power to do?

And what do you believe you do have the power to do?
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Md993
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« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2009, 10:56:00 AM »
I should have used a different word. Sorry. I should have said something more along the lines of comfortable in the pattern and terefore have more power over my emotions.
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TonyC
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« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2009, 10:56:51 AM »
i think the manipulation  is not always intentional
i think its more the fact that they dont look back on things... and think in the moment..and do not fear repurcussions of thier actions..

so you may be hurt, you may be mad , you may be upset. about something...you having the brain that can feel..works against you or us..

so we can be manipulated..easily...

we suffer from thier actions.. cause we remember , and we care..
that leaves us as targets...
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Md993
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« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2009, 11:10:14 AM »
I agree with what you say tonyC. But when the BPDer picks the same kind of men during the regressive stages and yet are completely different than what she has stated as her type , that's a pattern.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #13 on: December 16, 2009, 11:14:50 AM »
How do you feel about this pattern?
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Md993
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« Reply #14 on: December 16, 2009, 11:20:34 AM »
Obviously, I hate the pattern. I love her and I hate her being upset with me and ending the relationship. It's hard knowing tht she will be
coming back and wanting her to.

It's even harder not understanding why.
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TonyC
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« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2009, 11:28:35 AM »
she may not be upset with you...
rememeber the thought process...your break up was yesterday (so to speak) she will think about it and dismiss the thoughts in a heartbeat..
the day she (if ) comes back,, is the day.. her brain was not occupied..by other thoughts..

then she thinks and reacts... and reacts impulsively

like the thought that day is i really hate him.. at 10 am.. and someone has pissed her off then somewhere in her mind the switch flips..and at 8 pm is at your door..hi i missed you...
and during the time away nothing happened..
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Md993
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« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2009, 11:35:44 AM »
Thankyou for the input tony. I thought is was the unresolved anger towards me that keeps her thinking of me in the balck and then she flips white when te anger resloves. That doesn't sound like what you are saying.

Or the other thing that makes
them flip is the possibility
that their primary love object has indeed finally abandoned them.
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LivingWell
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« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2009, 11:46:10 AM »
It must make you concerend that she may think you have abandoned her.

Do you think about that?
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TonyC
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« Reply #18 on: December 16, 2009, 11:50:13 AM »
welll i didnt want to bring that up... but yes...
more times than not...the replacement isnt cutting it...and hes about to fall off the pedastal she put him on...
and why not go back to you...

so lets go back to auspicious's question..
how do you feel about this... being in the reserve spot...

my ex up and vaporized..from i love you to vaporized..the same day... lived with another guy for nine months..
nine months was enough for him lol lol...
she dropped him off at the train station...5 am.. , in a nightgown with a coat over her...
she was ..in my bed waking me up kissing me T 5:30 AM..( i dont lock the door) lesson learned on that one..
and i swear on this.. the words i said.. your b/f called me and wanted me to take you back cause you are a piece of work..so i was expecting you , not at 5 am..i thought maybe the drivebuys. or the call for shampoo you left her...
i anticipated...
cards on the table i did not like being the back up...
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Md993
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« Reply #19 on: December 16, 2009, 11:54:48 AM »
Yes I have considered that. This all started with her thinking I was abandoning her. So she has to be worried about that "eventuality". According to Gunderson in level
2 of emotional thinking for borderlines then turn angry and sadistic and devalue their love object to try and prevent them from
leaving. Which doesn't make a lot of sense. they do this as long as they sense that the love object is still available albeit at a controlled
distance. In level 3 they realize that the love object has abandoned them
and the act out to try and ressurect the relationship.

I do not want her to think that k don't love her and that I have abandoned her. Although that is what she is expressing as my positon.
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