Poll: Whether You Stay in Your Relationship or Leave - Susan Collins

[9reasons]

Yes picturelady,, we all learn through consequences!  I had to learn that lesson too, I would complain, object, argue, etc. but it was not until I put consequences in place, AND meant them, that changes started. I am not sure if this is going to work yet, I wish I had realised about setting boundaries and following through if they are violated, years ago, but I guess it is better late than never!

Also it sounds like you got married to finish some unfinished business you have with you father! Oh joy... so did I! LOL Tonight I can see the amusing side but it is not always like that when things get heavy... but the best thing we can do picturelady is to learn the lessons, let go and take good care of ourselves, we deserve to be happy too... and we will be! 

[picturelady]

I tried so, so many times to get him to change... in the end I gave our relationship a month, I had had enough and I was wanting to get out but still being fair to him by giving him one last, more formal, chance to change. He took three weeks out of that month to change but then, out of the blue, he did... a bit.

This has now blown my plan, I had it all worked out

Letting go is scary... however I wish he would make it easier for me by being one of the bpd's who rage and have affairs... he is a cluster 2, high functioning bpd who has a sensitive side and morals... sigh! Having said that... he is completely ego-centric, like an adult child,

[[/quote]

I just read this, 9reasons, and your situation sounds so similar to mine!  Same thing on the type of bpdh...they are cut of the same bolt of cloth.

I also gave my h more time to change...I kept seeing signs...and I developed hope again...
But then I came to realize that he had simply gone "underground."  He was just trying to jump through the hoops and appear changed - it was really just another way to hang onto me.  I think if they don't change because they realize the damage they are doing to others, and if they don't change to get healthier, buying into it themselves,, it won't stick.   It just prolonged my agony.  He definitely "toned down" the rages and other stuff...but then when I saw him in "stealth mode" - going back to old, damaging behaviors with the kids (albeit more quietly),  I knew that was it for me.  I just couldn't partner with that anymore. 
I hope your situation turns out differently than mine!  All the best to you - thanks again for your posts. I find them very insightful.  xoxox

[9reasons]

Mmmm, I hear you picturelady. I wonder sometimes if our types are not the worst type in a way as they keep you guessing... anyway there is a marvellous test coming up for him shortly that will blow his cover if he has gone underground... (interesting expression and sums him up to a tee) my dear eldest daughter who is 21 may be moving back in for a while... he was extremely jealous of her... at the moment he is being great, bought me roses, being very attentive... I even thought about suggesting staying where he is and not getting any closer    that would suit me!  It is when he comes a few steps nearer, he runs for his life... and our intimacy is lost once more. However if the scathing comments and the dangerous manipulations come back... well I am just over that. So I am watching to see how long it lasts... He does tend to do things like this out of the blue... so I haven't yet determined whether it is through fear or a desire to change that he is making this effort. Thanks for the insights picturelady  xoxo

[roni-nator]

Skip, take 100% responsibility for the relationships makes it sound like we should be responsible for everything that happened, and that is what got me in this mess in the first place is taking responsibility for everything while the bpd took no responsibility.  I think I get your meaning, but wouldn't it be clearer and more accurate to say take 100% responsibility for what you brought to the relationship?  I don't mean to be argumentative, but I guess this is a pet peeve of mine in that I took 100% responsibility for me and multiple bpd's for so long that just to see that sentence hits me in the solar plexus.

Thank you.

[1bravegirl]

First of all, I have to thank you for helping me take a walk down memory lane and remember how far I have come.

I just read my posts from 1 month out of my very abusive r with a h with bpd and it was quite interesting to read my words from 5-09.    I feel that the article is meant to be applied like this..

We take full responsibility for our part in the relationship, not for their behavior.  We cannot be responsible for what another person does or does not do, but we have to be accountable to ourselves to some degree for what we have allowed to go on or what we have continued to put up with.

We also can become so blinded by what "they have done" to bring us to this point, because of the illness that they refused to get help for, that we fail to see all the area's that we needed to work on and allow the experience from that relationship to continue to teach us many things about ourselves/ forget what they did or did not do.

What did we do or what should we have done to make it different?  How can we apply the things we have learned from the past now and make our lives as fulfilling as possible?  

So many things we can learn about ourselves and where we fell short and so many ways we can keep benefiting from our past trials remembering the strength and courage we have learned to have within ourselves.  By living thru that ordeal and finding ourself along the way..  We learned to understand ourselves better and  apply the tools from this board and we have continued to become stronger and independent from their toxicity..

We have become very insightful to many things, and we have the choice to keep our energy for change, positive within us and always growing stronger and stronger, and never allow it to be dependent on what anyone else does or doesn't do.

That is what I have learned through all of this and what it means to take 100% of the responsibility that I bear for allowing the 24 yr marriage to continue under the worst of circumstances..  
And with all that I have learned about myself and what I can do when I put my mind to something and how you can completely turn your life around even at almost 50 and be just as good as when you were 30 but better!  cause you are smarter now!  
With all of this positivity of learning about what changing myself has done for me.. I gladly take full responsibility for my part and look forward to getting better and better as each day goes by.. now that I am living a stress free life..   Thank you so much FTF Board for all the support you have given me to become the person I am today!   I love YOU>>> all!.  

love 1bg

[roni-nator]

This is clearer now.  When I first looked at this post, it only had the list of five sentences and the word more with three dots after it underneath.  When I pressed more, nothing came up.  So, all I had to work with were the five sentences.  And, there were no other posts for anyone else.  I don't think I really know how to use this website very good yet cuz I obviously didn't use article reviews correctly or very well.

After I got on the thread and it started to show up under "show new replies to your posts" suddenly the whole article is there as well as other people's posts, which there were a lot of.  After reading all of that, it makes a lot more sense and still helps.

Even after that though, my own pet peeve makes me want to see the sentence say take 100% responsibility for your own actions only in the relationship, but taking the time to read it explains that is what is meant.  So, I can live with that.  This only lets me see that I have some real anger to get over for the times I took more than my share of responsibility.

Thank you.

[thekoontess]

Good article!