Ideas for Protecting Kids When BPD Mom Explodes

[Think About It....]

I am stepping up interventions on behalf of my kids (D13, D11, and D8), when my wife's "frustration" explodes into screaming at them over what is usually a minor transgression.  Typically, the emotional intensity goes from relative calm to frightening anger in the blink of an eye. The "trigger" can be dropping something on her clean floor, making a loud noise, not putting something away, etc.  Once something happens, she literally screams at the kids.  They look crushed, hurt, confused, and angry all at once.  Less often, the tension builds more gradually and becomes a relentless barrage of criticism, etc.  When it builds slowly its easier to prevent with some of the "staying tools" like validation and time outs.  

But when an explosion occurs, the kids are completely powerless to confront her.  I am now strong enough to help them and am willing to do so even at the cost of my marriage.  I need some advice for how best to intervene on their behalf without needlessly making things worse with my wife.  Please don't tell me to "just leave her."  That option is on my radar screen already.  I am trying, for a while yet, to see if I can improve things within the marriage.  

So far I have been doing something I think of as an "official's time out."  I'm the official.  At the moment things get out of hand (in my judgment), I tell the child to "take a break" from whatever they are doing and to go outside, or watch TV, anything really that removes them from the situation.  I then ask my wife if I can "borrow her for a moment" or talk to her upstairs, away from the kids.  I then ask what is wrong and explain that her reaction scared the kids and seemed out of proportion. This usually triggers my wife and leads to accusations that I am not "supporting" her and don't understand how things are for her (she is undiagnosed, btw).  She often leaves the house in tears for an hour or two to calm down, which is probably a good thing.  

Later, I also talk to the child and let her know that I thought what happened wasn't right.  I ask if they want to talk about it, and they generally do. I listen and validate their emotions.

If things do not calm down under this method, I am prepared to take the kids and leave the house for a "time out" until things calm down.  So, far, I haven't had to do it because my wife leaves instead.  

I am not convinced this is the best approach and want to hear other ideas.        


Thanks, BC

[briefcase]

I am stepping up interventions on behalf of my kids (D13, D11, and D8), when my wife's "frustration" explodes into screaming at them over what is usually a minor transgression.  Typically, the emotional intensity goes from relative calm to frightening anger in the blink of an eye. The "trigger" can be dropping something on her clean floor, making a loud noise, not putting something away, etc.  Once something happens, she literally screams at the kids.  They look crushed, hurt, confused, and angry all at once.  Less often, the tension builds more gradually and becomes a relentless barrage of criticism, etc.  When it builds slowly its easier to prevent with some of the "staying tools" like validation and time outs.  

But when an explosion occurs, the kids are completely powerless to confront her.  I am now strong enough to help them and am willing to do so even at the cost of my marriage.  I need some advice for how best to intervene on their behalf without needlessly making things worse with my wife.  Please don't tell me to "just leave her."  That option is on my radar screen already.  I am trying, for a while yet, to see if I can improve things within the marriage.  

So far I have been doing something I think of as an "official's time out."  I'm the official.  At the moment things get out of hand (in my judgment), I tell the child to "take a break" from whatever they are doing and to go outside, or watch TV, anything really that removes them from the situation.  I then ask my wife if I can "borrow her for a moment" or talk to her upstairs, away from the kids.  I then ask what is wrong and explain that her reaction scared the kids and seemed out of proportion. This usually triggers my wife and leads to accusations that I am not "supporting" her and don't understand how things are for her (she is undiagnosed, btw).  She often leaves the house in tears for an hour or two to calm down, which is probably a good thing.  

Later, I also talk to the child and let her know that I thought what happened wasn't right.  I ask if they want to talk about it, and they generally do. I listen and validate their emotions.

If things do not calm down under this method, I am prepared to take the kids and leave the house for a "time out" until things calm down.  So, far, I haven't had to do it because my wife leaves instead.  

I am not convinced this is the best approach and want to hear other ideas.        


Thanks, BC

[DreamGirl]

briefcase...  x

Kids are good at guaging too.  

My SD12 just got yelled at and grounded last week for not making her bed. Her first response to her BPDmom was "You're kidding, right?"  She then proceeded to make her bed and calmly tell her mom that she thought it wasn't really fair.  She knew better at that point to engage in a heated argument... she just did as she was told and said "fuhgeddaboutit".  I think she has also grown to understand (from many candid conversations about her mom) that a lot of times when mom is screaming at her, it has more to do about her mom's own stuff than it does her. She has learned that when mom is upset, it's because SHE is stressed... not because SD12 is actually doing something so terribly wrong.  I think it helps alleviate some of the hurt and anger in any given situation.

It certainly can be confusing for them, I know.

My situation is a little bit different in that I have to have a little more faith in the kiddos for we are not readily available to intervene. They'll have to learn to deal with mom in their own right. You can't always be there, you know?  I think it's great that you are trying to figure out a way to do this productively! I can only think that your wife will struggle when she feels like you're "picking sides"  and her black and white thinking will probably tend to come into play pretty often when you confront her. It's hard to have a united front when you don't really agree with the parenting style of your partner though.  ;p   

I'm sure you have, but have you seen the link: TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk? ?

Great tips and a refresher course if you've seen it before.  x

~DreamGirl

[MyBigMouth]

So far I have been doing something I think of as an "official's time out."  I'm the official.  At the moment things get out of hand (in my judgment), I tell the child to "take a break" from whatever they are doing and to go outside, or watch TV, anything really that removes them from the situation.  

Later, I also talk to the child and let her know that I thought what happened wasn't right.  I ask if they want to talk about it, and they generally do. I listen and validate their emotions.

This is similar to what I do when Im at my moms house and she get's btchy around the kids.  I feel there is no reason to hide what is really happening, but they don't need to be in the middle of the battle field.  If you figure out something that works better I would like to hear it.

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[MuGGzy]

Sounds good to me, when my wife would start raging I generally would tell my son to leave the room, she rarely raged AT him though, I was the target 90% of the time and he was super idealized as an angel, "her baby" if you will, but I still didn't want him to witness her crazies.

[marlo6277]

Briefcase ~ I'm sorry that your fam is going through this.  This is extremely difficult. I agree that time outs are an excellent way to handle it.  I think that kids often see 'time outs' as a negative - they do something wrong and they get 'time out' in their room.  I am a big believer in also showing them that time outs are good.  If things get a little hairy, then I take the time to announce that I am giving myself a time out to relax.  The kids have gotten into the habit of announcing their own time outs sometimes as well - if they are sad, or if they are tired, etc...so they understand that all time outs are not meant to be consequences.  I think by you taking them out of the room for a time out is a great way to help them understand that they do not need to stand there and take it. They have the power to remove themselves from the situation as well.  

 I asked my DH about what he did in these situations as his ex is uBPD.  

I then ask my wife if I can "borrow her for a moment" or talk to her upstairs, away from the kids.  I then ask what is wrong and explain that her reaction scared the kids and seemed out of proportion. This usually triggers my wife and leads to accusations that I am not "supporting" her and don't understand how things are for her (she is undiagnosed, btw).  She often leaves the house in tears for an hour or two to calm down, which is probably a good thing.  

My DH said that at first, he would also do the 'time out' thing and take the kids to another room (which is ultimately what ex wanted - to not have to deal with her own kids and find some way for DH to end up having to look after them and her manipulation tactics of getting her way were to start an argument or start yelling for no reason whatsoever).  They are truly incapable of just saying - I need a time out myself.  So instead they resort to manipulation tactics in the most unreasonable way in order to get their own way.  DH said that he often had the 'you don't support me' convo with his ex. He said that he always ended up attempting to defend himself and the kids during these convos which ultimately ended up in her crying so he would feel guilty and cave in to her whims and wants.

He said that eventually her taking off for whatever amount of time ended up doing no good as it would just escalate and then she would come back just as angry or angrier sometimes.  She would use that as an excuse to shop and empty bank accounts, go hog wild and act like a 4 yr old with a credit card and driver's license.

He ended up beating her to the punch most times after that. When she escalated and got angry and started yelling, instead of him calling time out, he would just take the kids and leave. She could have her hissy fit all by herself in the house with no car to take off in.

He said that he regrets one thing - not going someplace where there were witnesses to validate it later on - like his friend's house or his relatives. Where when he showed up, they could say - yup, he was here AGAIN with the kids becasue she was on a tear.

He said that after many months of him leaving all the time with the kids so she could just wallow in her own self pity, and do whatever damage she was going to do (trashing the house, etc...), then he was able to then turn to her and say - look, we are spending more time AWAY from the house when you are here than we are actually at home. This should tell you something - we are not prepared to continue on like this.

In his case, that was enough to send her to run away to another continent and leave him alone with the 3 kids (if we could only be so lucky sometimes).  Of course it didn't stop the incessant guilt trips about how he DROVE her away. About how HE made her do this. About how HE needed to pay the price for having to look after the kids all alone. About how it was ALL HIS FAULT and he did this to himself (like having his children with him without her was SUCH a punishment - I guess to her, it was a punishment to be in charge of 3 kids all alone while he was at work).  

I think that your time outs are excellent. I think if it does escalate then yes, perhaps beat her to the punch and get you and your kids out of there. Do NOT come back until YOU feel it's safe enough to do so.  Until YOU feel that she is no longer angry. And be prepared to turn around and walk right back out again if you walk in and the first thing she does is make a snide comment or anything that YOU feel would instigate another blow out.

You will then be reinforcing to the children that you care enough about all of you, that you will not allow that to happen (you already are), but I think it's so difficult to really put it all into practice. If she raises the bar, you must as well.  It's just like dealing with a 4 yr old having a temper tantrum. They raise the bar, you must as well. Eventually they will learn that they can only escalate it so far before there is no other place to go and they have to learn to behave.

Stay strong Briefcase. You are leading an example for your children by teaching them that you will not allow them to be exposed to such situations.  They get it and I'm sure that they feel very lucky to have you as their shining star.  x

[Gagrl]

briefcase, my heart goes out to you in this situation -- it sounds very much like what my DH dealt with in his many years of marriage to The Dark Princess.  And his decision to stay in the marriage as long as he did was absolutely due to his feelings that he must protect the children.  At the worst of it, the children were D14 (an adopted niece who took the worst of it), S12 and D10.

I just called and asked DH what he did when The Dark Princess erupted.  He said tempers and rages weren't the worst problem with her -- it was more her constant criticism and disatisfaction that wore them all down -- but she did occasionally break into a scary rage.

At those times, he took the children over to his mother's house, which was a warm and loving environment of unconditional love.  Also, at those times, he stayed with them at his mom's house and engaged them in some activity.  He felt that they needed his presence to help calm them down.

[nonna12345]

 x  All of the words shared here make sense.  I am so sad about what you and your family go through.  Thing is, since incidents can increase or decrease in intensity - what is the best measure to use when deciding how to react or when to be more protective of your children?  You can't be there all the time.  I do agree that the 'wearing down' constant stuff is tough and crazy making for everyone because it happens so often.  Harder to figure out when to intervene.  It is where I get the most concerned with my grandchildren.   I wonder if  sometimes you could consider taking the kids out of the house whether the rage has been over the top or not... you said your wife leaves so you do not have to remove the kids.  For example - (remember, I am only a nonna), my DIL reacted to her two  boys making a mess - or was it being slow getting homework done - or maybe some spilled juice on the floor - does it really matter what it was?.  She starts screaming and calling them terrible names.  I turn to my granddaughter (2 1/2) and ask her if we should see if the moon is awake or asleep --- our coats go on ... unfortunately, I can't rescue the boys if she is yelling at them, but I can take them with me if she is yelling at my son ... an interlude or intermezzo is all I can offer.    Few questions ...  How long is she gone when she leaves? What happens when she comes back? How would the kids react to leaving the house instead of staying?  Not sure how to interpret/assess that your wife is always the one removing herself ... I just think there has to be some lingering echos around after she leaves ...   nonna

[LivingWell]

I too wonder about the dynamics of w leaving.  Is she running away from people who are mad at her?  Does she have any understanding and acceptance that what she did was inappropriate. 

W is calming herself down and that's a good step.  If you are not there is she going to leave to compose herself.  It wold be a good idea.  The two of you have made a step forward because she now separates.  Are you asking to take it to a level to make sure she know what she did was wrong?  Are you looking for a three or five step program which eventually leads to her not getting angry at kids for little things?

[stepmommy]

This is so difficult.  My DH and I struggle with this with SD.  My husband left when his D was 1 1/2.  The mom was raging at him and started hitting him.  The child started screaming.  He said it was such a scream of terror.  This is a man who is a firefighter and has heard a lot of screaming children, but he said that when his D was screaming like that he knew he had to do something.  Because the rages at this point were directed at him, he left thinking she would calm down.  But, years later after a nasty divorce, we see that she has turned that rage on to the child. (and us)

My DH struggles with if things would have been different if he had stayed and tried to protect D.  But, after a lot of soul searching, his leaving was the best thing he could have done.  He could have never controlled her rages.  But, now his sweet daughter gets to be in a peaceful and loving home 40% of the time.  When she is with us, she can love and hug her daddy without BPDmom getting upset because she is not the center of attention.  She gets to see a side of life that is normal.
And, she is seeing that her mom is not quite right.

If they were still together, I think my DH would have just tried to keep the peace.  But, what example would he be to his daughter? 

In my husbands experience, leaving allowed him to have a relationship with his daughter totally seperated from the BPD.  We met and married a few years after his divorce and he says he has never been happier.  If you are on the fence about leaving, think about what kind of home your children will grow up in if you stay.  What are your dreams and hopes for your children and yourself in the future?

Prepare yourself for a nasty divorce with a BPD, but learn from others on this site.  If possible fight for all the custody time you can.  My DH made a lot of mistakes in the beginning that has cost us thousands in legals fees trying to fix.  Because child was so young, and DH had a fire fighter's schedule, she got the majority of the time.  It has been an expensive struggle just to get custody moved to 40%. 

[MyBigMouth]

Why not just flat out say I don't want the kid's around this, it isn't healthy.  That's what I did with my mom and now I play referree, and she really doesn't yell at them anymore.  I made myself clear, she nit picks now, but way better than yelling. 

Why wouldn't she understand that she is damaging the kids?
Why wouldn't she want to do something to help her own kids?

Just because she is BPD doesn't mean she doesn't understand whats going on with the dynamics of the kids.  She has a hard time regulating herself and a hard time seeing that she is doing anything wrong, but at the moment don't talk about her, make it about the kids and their environment.

[briefcase]

Thanks for all the feedback.  I really appreciate it. 

The last time I had to call an official's time out was a few days before I posted this thread.  She had screamed at my D8 for not understanding a math homework problem that W claims to have already explained to her.  I was helping D8 when wife exploded.  I sent D (who was now in tears) into another room and asked W to come upstairs to talk.  I calmly told her that I understood she was tired/frustrated/feeling sick but that when she screamed like that it scared the kids.  We talked for a few minutes before she immediately left the house.  She went to her mother's house for about 2 hours (sometimes she drives around for an hour or so).  She came home calm, but frosty.  We talked later.  Her big issue was that I "scolded" her in front of the kids.  I told her I would try to make sure I expressed my concerns more privately to her, and that was that. 

When she leaves I think she is both running away from me and recognizes that she needs some space.  She will not "admit" any wrongdoing.  In fact, she usually defends herself 100%.  But (and here is why I have continued to stay in this marriage), I do see her later trying to change her behavior.  Right before Christmas, a few days after our homework incident with D8, she had a few glasses of wine and told me that when I saw her getting frustrated she wanted me to give her a big hug and tell her that everything would be alright.  So, the day before Christmas we were cleaning the house and I detected an edge creeping into her voice as she grew frustrate with the kids.  I did what she asked and it defused the situation.  So, she does understand somewhat and has the ability, and desire, to change.

I haven't noticed a difference in the kids yet.  They still have a lot of anxiety around her.  I have had conversations with all three of them about the fact that sometimes when mom yells its not because they did anything to deserve it.  Its a delicate balance to communicate these things to the kids.  On one hand, I want them to understand that they are good kids and mom has her own issues.  On the other, I don't want to totally undermine my wife either.     

I will keep observing the kids and talking to them.  Any ideas about what to tell them or how to explain things to them would be helpful.  I do agree they need to learn to cope on their own.  I just want to make sure they cope in good ways.  As they transition into teenagers I worry about them "acting out" or rebelling in reaction to the home environment, which can be too stressful. 

Thanks for helping out.

[nonna12345]

Could you clarify if your wife ever speaks to the kids about her challenges with her frustations/anger?  You seem to be always the ref, supporting the kids and speaking with them ...   how do the children do when you are not around?   

[briefcase]

Could you clarify if your wife ever speaks to the kids about her challenges with her frustations/anger?  You seem to be always the ref, supporting the kids and speaking with them ...   how do the children do when you are not around?   

In general, no she does not talk to the kids, or anyone, about these things.  She does not admit, aloud at least, that she is "at fault" for much of anything.  But, I suspect she does take what I say seriously and tries to make some changes to her behavior.  It would be nice if she could sit down with the kids and explain that she has trouble controlling her emotions and her reactions to her emotions, but I don't think that will happen.

As for when I am not around, I think it's hit or miss.  My kids are old enough now that I do generally hear when something happens when I am not around.

[MyBigMouth]

As the child of a BPD and a mother who has children who are still around the BPD, I think you should be as honest as possible.  Kids will blame themselves for everything.  I have a lot of the same issues that you have. My mom is making changes, but she tends to nag and nit pick.  I have forever not wanted to confront her in front of the kids because that would give them license to disrespect her, so this is what forty-seven said in reply to my post:
" Your daughter has to learn how to establish healthy boundaries with her grandmother as well or she will have the same issues as many of us here do.  By not saying anything you could be validating your mother's opinion in your daughter's eyes and she could think that both you and her grandmother think badly of her. Your daughter needs to understand what healthy adult behavior is and that she is a worthwhile person.  That will only happen if you point out that the behavior she is seeing is unhealthy and the critisism she is receiving is unwarranted. "

Here is the link: http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106834.0

Your kids need to know that they are not to blame and they need to develope healthy boundaries.  I know you know this already, you've been on this board way longer than me. Im no expert, but I think we have similar goals.  I don't want my kids to grow up feeling invalidated, picked on, like nothing they do is ever right, have depression, social issues, etc because of anything I am doing or subjecting them to.  My kids already have issues, Im told they hit the genetic jackpot because of the history on both sides of their parents.  Yours have one side of the genetic predisposition, so they may take everything they see and hear and then develope their own mental disorders because they are predispositioned.

I wish my dad would have spoke up for me, I wish he would have protected me, I used to wish they would get a divorce.  You should have a heart to heart with your kids and see how they really feel.  They will probably hide their true feelings from you for a while.  I bet money the wish they didn't have to have a mother like they have.  My point is, I have trouble holding onto thoughts, so Im sorry if it is a bit jumbled here and I talk all over the place, but my point is that they need to develope the healthy relationships, like forty-seven said to me.  Ultimately that is what we strive for as parents.  Be direct ask your wife questions, don't tip toe around her, confront her and your kids you are their only advocate. Be there for them, don't shield them and hope they aren't affected, actively take part in their shaping and understanding of what is going on and how they should deal with it.

[sebastion]

I wish my dad would have spoke up for me, I wish he would have protected me, I used to wish they would get a divorce.  You should have a heart to heart with your kids and see how they really feel.  They will probably hide their true feelings from you for a while.  I bet money the wish they didn't have to have a mother like they have.  My point is, I have trouble holding onto thoughts, so Im sorry if it is a bit jumbled here and I talk all over the place, but my point is that they need to develope the healthy relationships, like forty-seven said to me.  Ultimately that is what we strive for as parents.  Be direct ask your wife questions, don't tip toe around her, confront her and your kids you are their only advocate. Be there for them, don't shield them and hope they aren't affected, actively take part in their shaping and understanding of what is going on and how they should deal with it.

As an adult child of a BPD mother, I asked my father to divorce her when I learned the meaning and possibility of the word at 5 years old.  My dad rarely spoke up for me but he was still my hero because he wasn't her.  I wish that at the moment of BPD rage, he would have given me a hug, told me I was good and that he loved me and then told me to play in my room or something.  Usually, he just stood there looking at her, I went away to my room to get out of the situation and waited there until I could hear her tone change. I never felt protected.  And she would lie about my behavior and he would ask me to apologize even though he knew I didn't do what she said, but he didn't want to make the situation worse for her.  I did try to explain my frustration and he would say that I had to accept her, she had problems but she did love me.  How is a child supposed to deal with a father that wants a white picket fence when the whole house is really on fire.  Bpd mothers are dangerous and liars.  If you are staying with her, always tell your children you love them before you deal with her, tell them again when the situation returns to the constant eggshell, and try to keep her away from the child...she scares them (even in "peaceful" times because the child never knows what to expect (that's what it is for the child) - it's either scared, waiting for a blow up, experiencing a blowup, or back to eggshells hoping for peace (that never comes). 

My father only told me he loved me when she was not around because otherwise she would be jealous.  He has also stayed with her.  I think he always stayed late at work to avoid her and left me on my own, yet he stayed my hero because he was predictable.  Unfortunately, as an adult, he refuses to have anything to do with me because I don't visit them.  I don't visit them because she still makes life miserable and when I tell him or point out how mean and ridiculous she is being, he tells me that "You need to be the grown up and let it go, she has problems."... sorry, I'm not going to go along with "crazyland"   I also think BPD's get worse as they age.  My mother told me when I was 34 that I was not entitled to possessions that my grandmother had willed to me because I didn't have children...I had a complete hysterectomy at 32 because of CANCER... I called my father crying...and he AGREED with her and said that the family line ended with them, so they would give my possessions to distant cousins who had children...I'm actually getting mad just thinking about them.  If you stay, tell your children you love them all the time, tell them it's not their fault, tell them you are sorry for their ruined day, etc and don't believe that if they are hurt "that they fell" ...my mother abused me physically and just told my dad I was a clutz, but she threatened to hurt me worse if I told, to kill my dog, to never let me see my grandmother etc...so I never told that she was the cause, she literally had me scared for my life.  And she did kill my dog. 

[nonna12345]

Protection of the kids... and all of us were once kids... seems like a no brainer.  But, for many of you, the pain and disbelief continues and is quite scary. Very sad. My biggest challenge as a grandmother is accepting that I can only offer so much, ease just a little pain, and give them a time and place where they do not have to retreat from my uBPDdil.  Children deserve to be protected; you all deserved to be protected.  Many of you did not have any support systems to help ...  so questioning your reality all of the time had to be the norm and so frightening.   

Amid all the words written here, there is a lot of good advice.  Many do's and don't's. Lot's of painful experiences & intense feelings.  If you were to take your words and create a list of just five things that would have helped ... I know there are many many more than five    ... what would you choose? 

[MyBigMouth]

Ok I'll bite. 5 things that topped my list that could have eased the pain of growing up with a BPDm.

1. Any adult that would validate my feelings, talking to me, explaining things to me, reassuring me that it isn't my fault.  Statements such as I know mom has been really upset lately how are you doing, what do you think she is upset about.  Kids don't have the words to describe their feelings and the BPD usually stomps all over that, especially when it is a parent who is supposed to teach and show you the way's of the world.  A child is severely isolated from the social norms when they don't have a good teacher and someone they can truly trust with their feelings.

2. Any one, adult or friend who I could have been a kid with. While having a mom with BPD, no one really liked her and we didn't have any personal friends with kids that I could hang out with and be a kid.  I wasn't aloud to be silly or play games and just be a kid within my family either. I was constantly annoying my mother, when I talked I was told to hush, when I blew bubbles in my milk I was told to stop even though my cousing who was sitting right next to me was doing it and my mother was laughing about it, so I thought I would give it a try. I would have loved to played board games, cards, roller skating, ice skating, movies and dinner, barbies, making mud pies, etc. Just someone I could be a kid with.

3. A teacher, someone to teach me about the way's of the world.  Not feelings here.  Explain things to me.  I used school as an escape and daydreamed a lot and I also think I may have had add, I know Im a dyslexic.  So learning about history, etc was difficult for me to just read about it and learn.  My head was in the clouds and I was in another world.  It would have been nice if someone had explained mensturation to me as a 13 year old girl, I had no idea. Explain politics to me, let me be independent in my thinking let me know In not just an extension of my parents and the right thing to do is to think the way they do.  Explain what the joy's and responsibility of having a family is, really make me understand why it is so important to get a good education and a good job before you start a family.  If no one explains this to you and you are preoccupied with saving yourself and in flight or fight mode, dealing with PTSD from emotional abuse, you are not thinking about these things.  Having someone who really teaches and takes you under their wing and mentors you in all the things that a normal parent should be doing, but isn't because they are BPD.

I've got to get to some laundry and chores, kids are back in school on Monday.  I'll have to think about two more things.  I like this because for me as mom, these are things that Im flying by the seat of my pants with.  I didn't get them and Im just hoping Im doing a good job with my kids. I do hope more peole post on this because it's a great subject that would help me out too.

[nonna12345]

Ok I'll bite. 5 things that topped my list that could have eased the pain of growing up with a BPDm.

1. Any adult that would validate my feelings, talking to me, explaining things to me, reassuring me that it isn't my fault.  Statements such as I know mom has been really upset lately how are you doing, what do you think she is upset about.  Kids don't have the words to describe their feelings and the BPD usually stomps all over that, especially when it is a parent who is supposed to teach and show you the way's of the world.  A child is severely isolated from the social norms when they don't have a good teacher and someone they can truly trust with their feelings.

2. Any one, adult or friend who I could have been a kid with. While having a mom with BPD, no one really liked her and we didn't have any personal friends with kids that I could hang out with and be a kid.  I wasn't aloud to be silly or play games and just be a kid within my family either. I was constantly annoying my mother, when I talked I was told to hush, when I blew bubbles in my milk I was told to stop even though my cousing who was sitting right next to me was doing it and my mother was laughing about it, so I thought I would give it a try. I would have loved to played board games, cards, roller skating, ice skating, movies and dinner, barbies, making mud pies, etc. Just someone I could be a kid with.

3. A teacher, someone to teach me about the way's of the world.  Not feelings here.  Explain things to me.  I used school as an escape and daydreamed a lot and I also think I may have had add, I know Im a dyslexic.  So learning about history, etc was difficult for me to just read about it and learn.  My head was in the clouds and I was in another world.  It would have been nice if someone had explained mensturation to me as a 13 year old girl, I had no idea. Explain politics to me, let me be independent in my thinking let me know In not just an extension of my parents and the right thing to do is to think the way they do.  Explain what the joy's and responsibility of having a family is, really make me understand why it is so important to get a good education and a good job before you start a family.  If no one explains this to you and you are preoccupied with saving yourself and in flight or fight mode, dealing with PTSD from emotional abuse, you are not thinking about these things.  Having someone who really teaches and takes you under their wing and mentors you in all the things that a normal parent should be doing, but isn't because they are BPD.

I've got to get to some laundry and chores, kids are back in school on Monday.  I'll have to think about two more things.  I like this because for me as mom, these are things that Im flying by the seat of my pants with.  I didn't get them and Im just hoping Im doing a good job with my kids. I do hope more peole post on this because it's a great subject that would help me out too.

Thank you, thank you.    I took some liberty and highlighted some of your choices.  Wow. I am looking forward to seeing your last two!  You have made it easier for me to focus on the 'what' ... things you wish were there for you.  But, as you said, you are committed to provide these things for your own children. The 'How' we do them can vary for each person ... but the end result can be quite similar.  Raising kids is like flying by the seat of your pants ... been there with my three sons.  Here's to a great flight!  Thanks again.     Nonna

[MyBigMouth]

4. A cheerleader - Im watching Home Makeover and the muppets are singing a song for a special lady who gave up a teaching career to run a day care, she is now a pillar of the community whom many look up to because of her love and devotion to the children she is working with.  Believe, because if just one person believes than mabe one more will.  I never had a cheerleader, someone who beleived in me and gave me hope and told me I could do it.  It's so important for developing children to have confidence and part of that confidence is believing in themselves and how else can they do that if no one in their immediate family believes in them.

I'll have to work on number 5

[MyBigMouth]

5. Love,  plain and simple parental love, the love that can only be given by someone tenderhearted.  To kiss the boo boo's, the comfort during a nightmare, to be there when your first boyfriend breaks up and you think the world is over, love I got some from my dad but I don't think my mother ever actually loved me. I've never seen her look at me with love in her eyes, and a person just knows.  Be that love Im sure they will miss with their BPD parent, BPD is a very narcissistic disorder.