cyberhugs..part 2

[Think About It...]

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=109869.new#new

I was at eight pages..starting anew

One of the things that had upset me before the holidays..was something mc said..I do miss my FOO but cant have a relationship with them..he sees my struggle with this..

this year for xmas..I invited over my son (soon 18) gf whole family..and my mil and hubbys b*tchy gma

it went oh so well..I made my own xmas..didnt need family..created my own..they are so wonderful and welcoming..but hubby was upset when they left as he said "we should make a card night" and they didnt set a date? so he doesnt think they like him...whatever

but what mc said was true..I want a family..not at all costs tho..my sons gf is so sweet..and family so nice..

last night..was laying in bed..thinkin of Haiti..it triggered me being like 3 again..I was in an earthquake when I was 3//real scary..then flooded with lots of memories..being sick..having goo ooze out my ear..had to learn to cry silently as no one was coming..couldnt go into moms room at night for fear of dad..they never took me to the doctor..but somehow we had all these "things"..medical care..realized alot of similarities with hubby and daddy..

I am sure he heard me sniffling last night..he wasnt sleeping..this morning I told him he could get into bathroom (we have one only earlier as kids didnt have school..I was staying home..he asked why..I said to avoid coworker but I woke up with the chills..

I had bread out (went stale as he boycotted lunch)  told him I have to throw away that bread (2 loaves as he takes 2 sandwiches a day)   didnt say waste of money (he hates throwing food away)..he didnt pack a lunch today..aint gonna do that for him..bought more lunchmeat yesterday too as he said he was takin lunch this week..guess I will just put that in the freezer so it wont go bad..

he walked the dog last night too..

[harmony1]

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=109869.new#new

I was at eight pages..starting anew

One of the things that had upset me before the holidays..was something mc said..I do miss my FOO but cant have a relationship with them..he sees my struggle with this..

this year for xmas..I invited over my son (soon 18) gf whole family..and my mil and hubbys b*tchy gma

it went oh so well..I made my own xmas..didnt need family..created my own..they are so wonderful and welcoming..but hubby was upset when they left as he said "we should make a card night" and they didnt set a date? so he doesnt think they like him...whatever

but what mc said was true..I want a family..not at all costs tho..my sons gf is so sweet..and family so nice..

last night..was laying in bed..thinkin of Haiti..it triggered me being like 3 again..I was in an earthquake when I was 3//real scary..then flooded with lots of memories..being sick..having goo ooze out my ear..had to learn to cry silently as no one was coming..couldnt go into moms room at night for fear of dad..they never took me to the doctor..but somehow we had all these "things"..medical care..realized alot of similarities with hubby and daddy..

I am sure he heard me sniffling last night..he wasnt sleeping..this morning I told him he could get into bathroom (we have one only earlier as kids didnt have school..I was staying home..he asked why..I said to avoid coworker but I woke up with the chills..

I had bread out (went stale as he boycotted lunch)  told him I have to throw away that bread (2 loaves as he takes 2 sandwiches a day)   didnt say waste of money (he hates throwing food away)..he didnt pack a lunch today..aint gonna do that for him..bought more lunchmeat yesterday too as he said he was takin lunch this week..guess I will just put that in the freezer so it wont go bad..

he walked the dog last night too..

[DragoN]

..then flooded with lots of memories..being sick..having goo ooze out my ear..had to learn to cry silently as no one was coming..couldnt go into moms room at night for fear of dad..they never took me to the doctor..but somehow we had all these "things"..medical care..realized alot of similarities with hubby and daddy..

owwwwwww  x

You are roiling in past and present pain Harmony. No wonder you are being torn apart.

FOO...being what they are, we couldn't choose them, but we can choose who we are with in the present. As difficult as that may be, we own that. That's ok too. However, that being said, we cannot allow them to tear us down.

Have you Told him how to help and support you? If not, why not? And if yes, what did he do?

His divorce drama is a real pile...and I hope you know that, but the feelings you are writing about as I read themcome across as, broken hope, indefinite suffering and loss mixed in with deep sadness. depression and who knows...you write your feelings out I know in real time, you have the dysfunction banging at you from all sides...please focus on that force field to shove the crap OUT and away from you.

Where's Your Truth Harmony? What do you want for yourself?

[JDoe]

Dear Harmony,
  Just wanted to send you some  x.  You sure could use them.  It sounds like as painful as it is, you are having some insight into your past and how it affects you now.  That could be helpful as far as figuring out where you've been and where you want to be.
  Praying for you as we ride this rollercoaster and happy to call myself part of your chosen family!
God bless,
JDoe

[DragoN]

Sometimes...too much thinking..isn't such a good thing ya know? When sliding into a nasty pit of *icK* I find, throwing back my shoulders..yeah dumb, I know..but I don't care who reads this...and a little chat with me innards..and a few good Battle cries:

 "This is where we fight! This is where they die!"
—King Leonidas

"Tulta munille!" (Fire at their balls!)"
—Finnish troops

At my command - unleash hell. ... What we do in life echoes in eternity!
Maximus (The Gladiator)

"Get away from her, you ____." - Sigourney Weaver, Aliens

"I know a hundred ways to make you regret that. Pick a number..."
-unknown, but I like it...

My own...are *cough* real colorful like...and I can't post that. So...uhmm...

LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY! x
not that I like fighting, but I'll be damned if I let my SO or FOO crap run me down...then...unleash the hounds of hell...they're trained at what they do

Hope stillness finds you and holds you gently. x

[harmony1]

thanks jdoe and dragon for helping me thru

yeah see that the point..separating the stuff..I know what is mine now..and his chaos impedes me sometimes from just giving me some space from his stuff

getting better..realizing my triggers..why he reminds me of dad..what I am lookin for..am working past those dependent things

for now I have obligation to myself..he is a roommate..he is responsible for mental health as I am mine..

I now look at the driving as self sabatoge..again his problem..his coping mechanisms

dont blame him..wont go down with him tho

[DragoN]

dont blame him..wont go down with him tho

you know something...this part...^^^

Not much really goes down with them,..and blaming we know is next to useless...however, if you are speaking the Truth of the matter...who cares how it goes down with him or not? It's  eating you alive not saying something about the obvious which is clearly harmful to both of you.
other than he is going to get physical with you and if that's the case, then Fear is holding you back and that too is not healthy. Not at all. And I do understand that.

And there is 911.
Sometimes, it's almost like playing with fire. Choose to walk through it and maybe get scorched, or stand at the edges and slowly burn. Neither are particularly pleasant. Slowly burning wasn't working for me. *I* matter way too much to me.

I really like this one for some reason:
At my command - unleash hell. ... What we do in life echoes in eternity!
Maximus (The Gladiator)

Cause living life with the total ignoramus BPD behaviors of my husband without a voice...felt like an eternal living hell. Bad.

Each dynamic is unique, and only you know what you are dealing with.

We're here for you  x

[harmony1]

DRAGON

funny girl always put a smil eon my face x

when I said not goin down with him..I meant..if he messes up his car.I am not paying for it
if he winds up in jail..thats his expense

just meant he alone handles his irresponsibility..its just when he starts monkeying around with the house..and puts us all in danger..he did that last month with the furnace..all of a sudden we had no heat..he played dumb

we called a furnace guy..dumb a$$ put steel wool into the flu..which switched off the safety..as well he know everything..he felt stupid (as he should) then took it out on me when I said "honey remember when I asked if you had done anything that may have caused that? 

sorry but waste of money having the furnace guy come out cause dumb a$$ forgot..

and leaving on the toaster oven overnight? way to go!  told him last friday (which was my last of my fedupness) that he is a danger to himself and others  sorry he cant see that

driving
financially
around the house

like living with an alzheimers patient  oy!

[harmony1]

so yesterday a banner day!
eldest son accepted to private university..offered a scholarship for tennis    not sure how much..I have to go to the financial aid office to explain that when I fill out the forms..even tho I am married..I benefit nothing from uBPDh salary and that sons real dad even tho obligated legally in our 10 year old divorce papers..well I dont see him ponying up his share..so gonna be honest with them..in a tactful way of course..just to let them know..I am doin this all on my own..the numbers may LOOK like I have alot..

having heard my convo with the tennis coach about this..(my hubby was playing sick yest) he kind of freaked out and went again into mr helpful mode..he realized that I would benefit more from a divorce (as kids would get more $$$ for college)  and well he is being mr nice now...had told him yest morning when he was pouting before I went to work.."sorry he felt I added nothing to his life..cant help how he feels" (big prelude to that but not gonna write it all out) and went to work

our water heater is leaking now..at least he isnt freakin about it.. will  wait til the weekend..at least he didnt turn it off or something silly before he went to work..so thats progress

came home and did alot of "work" after work..stuff he never sees me do...(taxes,phone calls,dr appointments)  all that 5 minute stuff that i told him adds up ..so if it only takes 5 minutes maybe you can help honey  ...but I didnt say that

son wanted to celebrate with going out to celebrate...told him I cant afford right now..but when he offically gets the scholarship and we do the signing..then we will do it big!

hubby ordered pizza..um cause kids friend was over..I am sure it was his way of showing son he recognizes the hard work and scholarship stuff..I had dinner waiting to be made and all..

he is doing his share..for now

[DragoN]

he realized that I would benefit more from a divorce (as kids would get more $$$ for college)

Now that is sweet 
Ever get the feeling that the stars are in alignment for a reason?

So happy for you and your son.  x

[harmony1]

yeah..well Dragon..I had mentioned it last Friday morning when he was being such a putz..go ahead walk out the door...cha ching!
please sont throw me in the briarpatch 

[DragoN]

.I had mentioned it last Friday morning when he was being such a putz..go ahead walk out the door...cha ching!

Muahahahhaha!


gotta love it.    
Heeheeheeheeeeeee *grinning over here!*  

[harmony1]

the stars are aligned!

[ymistlhr]

Harmony, a bright spot with your sons college, thats great!  YOu seem to be able to use your tools consistantly by speaking the truth. 
I like the stars thing, you gonna go with them?

[DragoN]

the stars are aligned!  

Hehehe...gotta suck to be him knowing...he threatens divorce and it works in your favor..and...you're pretty much past the point of caring what he does. 

Stuck his own ballz in the vise... *sweet*

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[ymistlhr]

Dragon, you make me laugh   If he really cared H wouldn't he go ahead and get the divorce to help you out? BEyond his capabilities, most likely, huh?

[harmony1]

the stars are aligned!  

Hehehe...gotta suck to be him knowing...he threatens divorce and it works in your favor..and...you're pretty much past the point of caring what he does. 

Stuck his own ballz in the vise... *sweet*

<--- 

yes...it is