he attacks me saying I cant please him sexually?wtf?

[Think About It...]

After I joined the board the other night, I deceided to make yet annother attempt tospeak to my partner (X) about the fact that he has an illness. That was not a good idea, it ended in me crying for 4 hours! all I did was try to talk to the guy, and tell him I was there for him.

So X has a strange sex addiction, he hasnt had many experiences with women his age , always goes for teens! and young ones at that, he has touched up 13 year old when he was 21, 3 years ago! he has stopped that but always goes for teen porn and thinks there is nothing wrong with liking teens even as young as 14, his motto is, if they have boobs than they are women. outside of this he has never enjoyed a sexual experience as 'making love' its always been a meaningless f**k. he feels horny and needs to come! and so he just uses me in order to liberate himself. he does not try to pleasure me and he doesnt seem bothered that i dont enjoy sex with him. sometimes he prefers to masterbate because it is easier and faster...(lazy)! he goes through periods where he can to this 3 times a day for weeks at a time.

I tried to speak to him about this ...very nicely...and he gets all defensive and starts attacking me saying things like he doesnt pleasure me because he doesnt care if im happy or not,he's just worried about how he feels,he then went on to say that he doesnt even want to have sex with me because i am not his type/sexy girl. after 3 years, a son and he propsed at xmas he says im not his type ...WTH?
He then said that I have to understand how difficult it is for him to be stuck in a life that he never would have had if I hadnt gotten pregnant in the first place...he had the gall to tell ME to feel sorry for HIM.he said he has accepted things and learned to live with the fact that he doesnt enjoy my company or sex.the cheek.Let me tell you he has never had a problem with being satisfied in bed.and I am not an ugly person,i am not over weight... i know that,but ill tell ya,my confidence has taken a huge blow and I am now considering therapy.im exhausted.

he then comes to me the next morning and tells me he is sorry and he loves me and he wants to marry me blah blah blah etc etc...

Some advice PLEASE...

[girl101]

After I joined the board the other night, I deceided to make yet annother attempt tospeak to my partner (X) about the fact that he has an illness. That was not a good idea, it ended in me crying for 4 hours! all I did was try to talk to the guy, and tell him I was there for him.

So X has a strange sex addiction, he hasnt had many experiences with women his age , always goes for teens! and young ones at that, he has touched up 13 year old when he was 21, 3 years ago! he has stopped that but always goes for teen porn and thinks there is nothing wrong with liking teens even as young as 14, his motto is, if they have boobs than they are women. outside of this he has never enjoyed a sexual experience as 'making love' its always been a meaningless f**k. he feels horny and needs to come! and so he just uses me in order to liberate himself. he does not try to pleasure me and he doesnt seem bothered that i dont enjoy sex with him. sometimes he prefers to masterbate because it is easier and faster...(lazy)! he goes through periods where he can to this 3 times a day for weeks at a time.

I tried to speak to him about this ...very nicely...and he gets all defensive and starts attacking me saying things like he doesnt pleasure me because he doesnt care if im happy or not,he's just worried about how he feels,he then went on to say that he doesnt even want to have sex with me because i am not his type/sexy girl. after 3 years, a son and he propsed at xmas he says im not his type ...WTH?
He then said that I have to understand how difficult it is for him to be stuck in a life that he never would have had if I hadnt gotten pregnant in the first place...he had the gall to tell ME to feel sorry for HIM.he said he has accepted things and learned to live with the fact that he doesnt enjoy my company or sex.the cheek.Let me tell you he has never had a problem with being satisfied in bed.and I am not an ugly person,i am not over weight... i know that,but ill tell ya,my confidence has taken a huge blow and I am now considering therapy.im exhausted.

he then comes to me the next morning and tells me he is sorry and he loves me and he wants to marry me blah blah blah etc etc...

Some advice PLEASE...

[havana]

sometimes he prefers to masterbate because it is easier and faster...(lazy)! he goes through periods where he can to this 3 times a day

This comes up a lot in threads. I don't want to be avoyeur but is this done in your view?

if they have boobs than they are women

What about manboobs ?

[TonyC]

this is so many levels of wrong...and BPD is secondary.. to his other issues..
and him sharing his pedifile antics..makes you an accesorie..to criminal activities..
hi hon im a pedifial?

he has accepted things and learned to live with the fact that he doesnt enjoy my company or sex.the cheek.Let me tell you he has never had a problem with being satisfied in bed.and I am not an ugly person,i am not over weight... i know that,but ill tell ya,my confidence has taken a huge blow and I am now considering therapy.im exhausted.

so he dont love you
he doesnt enjoy your company
he doesnt like the sex
and he enjoys sex with himself. rather than wth you..
and you are posting in staying because?

[girl101]

i am staying because as of yet i dont know if thi was all said out of rage because I 'attacked' his manhood because the next morning he said all the opposite.

with regards to the porn, its teen porn but all are 18.
he needs help for the fact that he sees nothing wrong with kissing a 13 yr old when he was 21 and he nearly led to sex.he also did it with the same girl when i was 3 month preg. anyway since he hasnt done anything like that so i feel that he needs help for not having remorse about it,im sure he wouldnt do it again as being a father is important to him and he has progressed a lot since that time.

some of the replies contradict each other about what X ment when he attcked me personally and now im confused as ever.

[TonyC]

a disorder does not make damageing comments okay...
you will not foget these statements

so why do you feel you have to accpet these things..?or anylyze them
he needs to get his ass to a therpist asap...

you live with this guy?

[girl101]

I know that my partner his a very ill person, I am an intelligent person and I know what he is doing is wrong, but until he has seen the therapist ( 1st app in 2days) and until we can find out whats going on, i will not give up. my son adores his father and i can see how in time this will start affecting our son, who is 1 and a half at the mo.my partner is a good person,but a very lost soul. after we see the therapist a few times i will make an informed decision, as i will not break up our family before then,having that said the day he lays a finger on my child or does anything to hurt him,i will kick his ass out of the house and out of my life.and i will not look back.

at the mo am living with an illness, he is a stranger to me now.

[TonyC]

ok good... protect your child at all costs...therapist or shrink wonderful

now how about yoo...your gonna need some help too..while he finds out what his issues are...

he takes care of himself

and you take care of you...and maybe you meet in the middle...
but for you to entertain thes comments a remarks...
no way...
im glad you came here... but you need to explore the other areas...
see how to set boundaries..and repercussions of violating them are..
you need to control you... while he finds h8imself so to speak

[girl101]

yep, seriously thinking about therapy. he has twisted things for so long, sometimes i ask my am I crazy? of if i wasnt before maybe i am now...I no i am the saine one but these questions just come up in my head from time to time and at times like that it really feels that he can control me from the inside.

after the huge arguement we had a bout sex that night,he left me feeling crushed and i cried for hours while he knew i was crying he stayed in the other room with his brother laughing and joking and carrying on normal conversation as if i wasnt even in the house,never mind distraught in the next room. the thing i cried most about was the fact that even throught the part of the conversation that remained civilised, when i got upset,he didnt feel for me,he said 'here we go again' or things like that,iv been dealing with this alone for so long,all i wanted was a hug. i had kept it a sercret from his family, i saw a fit of rage that he just left me there so i burst into the room and blurted out to his brother that he has an illness.

I am ashamed that i gave in and left feeling guilty.how is this fair! but his bro just s_________ed when i left the room anyway...

[TonyC]

i think you need some space from the brother and him..
while he goes or doesnt go to therapy..

[girl101]

He sees this girl oncasion as she lives in the same town, he doent meet her. she is 16 now and takes any opportunity to flirt with him as i have seen her sitting in the restaurant that he manages with all her other girlfriends,they dress up wearing mini skirts in the middle of frickin winter. she is young and has no grasp on reality as of yet and its not her fault i know.but she knows me and has seen our son and i have even swapped a few friendly words with her while i was pregnant ,after wards also and even before i found out what they had done she would speak to me or say hello on the street,this girl needs help also. i will also ass that this girl come from abroken family , who knew that she was partying with older people. I dont know what is wrong with some people in my country as this is very common!

my fella has no interest and im am 100% sure on that one.

he is not cheating now and is content with that ,he doesnt go looking for it but i dont trust him is thr opportunity came along i think he would,even is the opportunity was with a 16 yo.i dont believe he would go younger than that at this stage.

[harmony1]

GIRL101,

what do you think you son is learning in regards to how to respect a woman from seeing his daddy do all this?

[girl101]

yes it has only been twice with this girl, but his history of ...i would call them flings...have alway been with teens, 16,17,18,.he has one girl or two about the same age as him in the past. but he told me that he had been with a few virgin also.

my son 18 months old and doent see most of whats happening as its mostly mental abuse im getting, my family and friends dont even see what he is doing to me, my son has little hope.

however i understand exactly where you are coming from. X does over react with our little fella at times and lashes out ,verbally.and of course that has always been a main concern of mine about how much respect my son will learn to have for women. it is something that i feel very guilty about,but as iv said already he needs therapy before i break up the family as my son is a very happy little boy, and anything he doesnt get from his father i make up for it 10 times over.

[harmony1]

girl101,

the boy is 18 months old..things to think about..why do you want a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

[girl101]

because he is ill and until he see a therapist and gets help i dont know what kind of a person he can be. if he is willing to get help , he really takes care of his problems then this will work. he is amazing when he goes through a 'phase of normality'. he says he loves me and that i am the best thing thats happened to him. he propsed at xmas. and yes i know that all of this can be bullsh#t but until therapy i cant make aany deision. outside of that he is a lonely,lost,scared and confused soul and i am all he has,not to mention that he needs to be healthy to be a good father to our child no matter if we stay together or not, and i am the only one he has to help him.

[harmony1]

I completely understand..I really do..the change tho..its needs to come within you..what do you want..take some time..read my profile..just where I started..then see me now..I posted this yesterday..its takes time to learn and do..but you cannot change him..nothing will he has to do it for himself..

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=110607.0

[girl101]

thankyou harmony i appriciate your input and i will read your story.

[briefcase]

Well, you see all the      .  And some of them are pretty big.

You have pinned a lot of hope on the therapy.  Sorry if I missed it, but who's idea was it for him to see a therapist?  Is this something he wants, or is it something he is only doing because of you?  Do you know?

[harmony1]

girl101,

my guy? porn addict (wanted to blame me)
road rager
reckless behavior
spending money
wouldnt go to dr
generally obstinant in everything I ever asked..
found a condom in his wallet when I first came here..that was after a reconciliation

here was me whining "but he promised" blah blah

had people here ask me the hard questions..why do I stay..

after much therapy for me..i REALIZED its him..and me in a sense..why was I taking this junk?

now? how is still clueless..even after much therapy..but now I call the cops when he gets out of control..I am in staying..for now..
I have two boys..by my first marriage..he has never been a dad too..its been heartbreaking watching them be denied..clothes and affection..he is jealous of them..the only reason my sons are well adjusted is cause they have their real dad..my first husband..but a BPD as a role model /...your son will know NO different..my husband is exactly like his dad..in everyway..children learn what they live

protect your baby..at all costs..

[Skip]

he is amazing when he goes through a 'phase of normality'. he says he loves me and that i am the best thing thats happened to him. he propsed at xmas.

and yes i know that all of this can be bullsh#t but until therapy i cant make aany deision. outside of that he is a lonely,lost,scared and confused soul and i am all he has,not to mention that he needs to be healthy to be a good father to our child no matter if we stay together or not...

It's a very good perspective to have at this point - good for you.   

This may be a helpful video: http://www.counsellingdirectory.ie/video-guide/video-guide-9 Eoin Stephens, MA, MIACP, MIAAAC, is the Director of Training, Centre for Sexual Addictions.  He is local to you.

Facing the Shadow, by Patrick Carnes, is a useful book for both therapists, clients, family. It can be ordered in most bookshops, online at Amazon or at the Hazelden online bookstore or directly from the publishers (Gentle Path Press).

Skippy

[schwing]

Hi girl101 and  

So X has a strange sex addiction, he hasnt had many experiences with women his age , always goes for teens! and young ones at that, he has touched up 13 year old when he was 21, 3 years ago! he has stopped that but always goes for teen porn and thinks there is nothing wrong with liking teens even as young as 14, his motto is, if they have boobs than they are women.

I just want to point out that you brought this up as "a strange sex addiction."  Clearly you think it is strange, and you are not alone in thinking this.  Maybe this is a "sex addiction."  But maybe this is about an older man who takes advantage of young girls.   They may have "boobs" but they are not women, they are children.

I tried to speak to him about this ...very nicely...and he gets all defensive and starts attacking me saying things like he doesnt pleasure me because he doesnt care if im happy or not,he's just worried about how he feels,he then went on to say that he doesnt even want to have sex with me because i am not his type/sexy girl. after 3 years, a son and he propsed at xmas he says im not his type ...WTH?

What might be confusing is that his "preferences" hurt you.  And so of course you take it personally.  Maybe there is even a part of you that feels at fault; that he wouldn't have this problem if you were his "type."  But what if his "type" is children?  Clearly you are not a child.  If this is the case, then as much as you might feel otherwise, you do not have a problem, he does.  If you do have any issues, it is that you are so attached to him that you are blind to how inappropriate his preferences are.

He then said that I have to understand how difficult it is for him to be stuck in a life that he never would have had if I hadnt gotten pregnant in the first place...he had the gall to tell ME to feel sorry for HIM.he said he has accepted things and learned to live with the fact that he doesnt enjoy my company or sex.the cheek.Let me tell you he has never had a problem with being satisfied in bed.and I am not an ugly person,i am not over weight... i know that,but ill tell ya,my confidence has taken a huge blow and I am now considering therapy.im exhausted.

You know.  A great strategy for deflecting any attempts to point out that he has a problem is to put the spotlight on you.  And even though you understand that what he is saying is not true and distorted, you are still greatly hurt by it.  You really should go into therapy to get more support for yourself.

i am staying because as of yet i dont know if thi was all said out of rage because I 'attacked' his manhood because the next morning he said all the opposite.

He will always say the "opposite" in order to keep you staying.  If you choose to stay, I would wish that you do so from a position of strength and not that of uncertainty.

with regards to the porn, its teen porn but all are 18.

Maybe they are all 18+ but that is not the illusion/fantasy that excites him, is it?  He like to pretend they are younger, does he not?

he needs help for the fact that he sees nothing wrong with kissing a 13 yr old when he was 21 and he nearly led to sex.he also did it with the same girl when i was 3 month preg. anyway since he hasnt done anything like that so i feel that he needs help for not having remorse about it

,im sure he wouldnt do it again as being a father is important to him and he has progressed a lot since that time.

I broke that paragraph up for you.  Now let's consider a man who sees "nothing wrong with [a 21 year old] kissing a 13 yr old" "nearly [leading] to sex."  And a man who "did it with the same girl when [you were] 3 months preg."  Does that sound like a man who "being a father is important to him"?

These are the two incidents that you are aware of.  Can it be possible there there are incidents that you are not aware of?  You are taking care of an infant.  You do not have the time or energy to keep up with what he may or may not be doing.

I know that my partner his a very ill person, I am an intelligent person and I know what he is doing is wrong, but until he has seen the therapist ( 1st app in 2days) and until we can find out whats going on, i will not give up.

my partner is a good person,but a very lost soul.

I am glad you realize that he is a "very ill person" and that "what he is doing is wrong."  Sometimes he may appear to be "a good person" but I am concerned that you are blinding yourself as a defense mechanism.  You many need to believe he is a "good person" because it would be too painful to consider otherwise.

after we see the therapist a few times i will make an informed decision, as i will not break up our family before then,having that said the day he lays a finger on my child or does anything to hurt him,i will kick his ass out of the house and out of my life.and i will not look back.

It is your choice to stay with him or leave him.  But I am certain either path will be difficult.  Please give yourself all the support you need.  Please don't try to do this alone.

Best wishes, Schwing

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