he attacks me saying I cant please him sexually?wtf?

[Think About It...]

Hi dear  x

I think all of know and understand your love for him. If love could cure this, then none of us would need to be here 

I'm very glad that you are here looking and seeking help. That is a HUGE step for you, and it will make all the difference, since you have the power to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. That only works though, if YOU are willing to work on and control the only thing you can - yourself...

Please try to refrain from sharing what you learn here with him. He will only mock you and/or use it against you. This place isn't for him, it is to help you learn some new skills and some new patterns. Don't expect him to change until you change your acceptance, how you comm, and how you respond to him.

If you haven't already - read over the lessons and articles in the blue box to the right =======>> it is all clickable stuff and will help you begin your journey towards better understanding and self esteem...  x

[united for now]

Hi dear  x

I think all of know and understand your love for him. If love could cure this, then none of us would need to be here 

I'm very glad that you are here looking and seeking help. That is a HUGE step for you, and it will make all the difference, since you have the power to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. That only works though, if YOU are willing to work on and control the only thing you can - yourself...

Please try to refrain from sharing what you learn here with him. He will only mock you and/or use it against you. This place isn't for him, it is to help you learn some new skills and some new patterns. Don't expect him to change until you change your acceptance, how you comm, and how you respond to him.

If you haven't already - read over the lessons and articles in the blue box to the right =======>> it is all clickable stuff and will help you begin your journey towards better understanding and self esteem...  x

[girl101]

Thankyou. x

[flyingdutchman]

Hi girl101,

I've not had time to read all the thread, as I can only get on the Internet at work and have so little time to get on here.  I really understand what you are going through.  It's been the same for me and my girlfriend.  That awful roller coaster of ups and downs is so draining.

the advice on this forum saved me for sure.  I cant give such good advice as I still have such a long way to go myself.   But what helped me was to learn to try to be just a little bit more 'selfish'.  Not sure if that is a very good way of describing it and it sounds negative, but really its a positive thing for both of you.  You need to be strong to live with someone with BPD, and thinking more about me and my needs is helping to be more for my gf I think. 

I understand you are in the for the long haul, I am to with my gf.  But, I think I may be right in saying that most non BPD's are such selfless people, and always put others first, find it difficult to say no etc etc. its partly how we found ourselves with a BPD person in our lives.   I've found that over time, putting myself first a little bit more, has actually helped in our relationship.  the more you give, or say yes, the more they will take.  they cant help it I dont think, it's not their fault. 

Hope I'm making sense, I just really understand the difficulties you are having at the moment and wanted to offer a word of encouragement. someone please do correct me if I'm wrong in any of what I have said!

cheers

[girl101]

thanks mumraa,

i do say no and thats what causes most of our problems, i dont sit back and watch X throwh his weight around, he was at home all day today and didnt do anything, i cam home from college, my little boy was having his nap and X was playing PS3. he noticed i was tired and i told him i had a long day. im in the door less than 5 mins, after i just sat down, he asks me to go to the kitchen and make him dinner. i asked him nicely didnt he see anything wrond with what just happened,

the reply was jes*s you dont have to be such a b*tch,what did i do to you, you never do anything for me etc etc.

[GPR]

Simple question:  If he really doesn't think it's wrong, then what morally would prevent him from doing it again?

I'm a 28 year old guy.  Back when I was 21 or 22 (can't remember for sure), I had an epidsode where a 14 year old girl came on to me.  It was a friends younger sister.  And I did whatever I could to politely get her to knock it off and stay away, until finally, I just up and left the house.  And while I didn't want it, didn't do anyting, let nothing happen, and did everything to keep it from happening and finally just up and walked out on my friend, I STILL felt like I did something wrong.  So it's hard for me to come to grips with the fact that he doesn't think it was wrong and had no remorse.  

And I'm sorry, but I will be blount in saying that it sounds like he has you somewhat "snowed"...  The fact that he watches that kind of porn IS fantasizing about them.  And of course he says he won't do it, and doesn't think about it...  do you really expect him to tell you if he would?  You say it's because he is emotionally immature, like it's an excuse for doing it... that may be the cause, but that doesn't make it OK and it's not something that's easily fixed (if at all).  And it's DEFINITELY not something you can fix for him.  I know I'm sounding like an a-hole here, but you are a mother now.  Ask yourself, if you were that 13 year old's mother... and you found out this happened to your daughter...  what would you think?

So... I know you love him, and I know you want to help him, which is a good thing, because he sounds like he needs it.  But you NEED to remember, that you can not and should not do anything that is to you and your son's detrement.  Despite your love, you have to put the 2 of you ahead of everything else.  While you hope for the best, you have to be honest with your self and think about the worst...  What would you do if it happens again?  What would happen if he got in trouble this time?  Are you willing to put yourself and your son through that?  

I'm NOT telling you to "run" or whatever, it just seems like you really aren't looking at the reality of what HAS happened or what COULD happen...

[girl101]

thankyou for your input, i do appriciate it, but have you read all the posts,

I have made it clear that i think he is ill, and i NEVER made an EXCUSE for what he did, i was simply trying to suggest reasons for his behaviors, dont forget that im learning here, and im taking in alot , things that i have known but are being more validated by having others say it too.

i do feel that you were harsh about bringing my son into your post like that, i pretty pissed actually, if you have read all my posts you would know that it wasnt necessary to put my ability to keep my son safe in the firing line. as i am a mother i dont think i have to explain that to you, it goes with the territory as we all know.

this porn is not with little girls, i mean the title is teen porn but...18 + ...im not an idiot i know it not right but just making sure you understand is not child porn, im not sick, if i thought thats what it was i wouldnt even be here writing about this guy.he'd be in jail.
thanks again, more is welcome.

[havana]

i mean the title is teen porn but...18 +

I think a lot of those sites hire 18 year old gils for legal reasons but they get the ones that look like they are 13,14,15. They probably put them in pigtails. They may not be children legally but that's how they are portrayed on the sites.

[harmony1]

girl101,

I know its frustrating..when things are calmer..please read your posts...

how would you advise anyone in this situation? a friend?  wouldnt you see what it could do to their child eventually?

you are enabling him..in a way you are excusing it..how? by not doing anything about it..you need to protect yourself..

believe it or not..your son could be removed from YOU if you let him create this stuff at home (at least in the united states)..why? because you are subjecting your son to an environment of..him not watching the child at the restaurant..endaring him..letting the kid see you hiding in the bathroom..not letting you leave..that is emotionally damaging your son..you dont have to excuse it..by doing nothing..well you are teaching your son..what a woman SHOULD take and how he should treat a woman to get his way..

[girl101]

dont tell me i am excusing it. obviously i am here because i think its wrong.



seriously...have you read all my posts?


and NOT EXCUSING it but i do have a question...when a 26 or 27 yo woman dresses up for halloween as a school girl and then goes home and has sex with her partner...does this make these people ill...and does it mean that they are fantasizing about kids?

[DragoN]

girl101 can I ask you :

he feels horny and needs to come! and so he just uses me in order to liberate himself. he does not try to pleasure me and he doesnt seem bothered that i dont enjoy sex with him.

This is really really personal...and for me..it would be excruciatingly painful were that the case ...what are your feelings deep down inside?

...I don't to pry and put you on the spot...want to understand.

i mean the title is teen porn but...18 +

I think a lot of those sites hire 18 year old gils for legal reasons but they get the ones that look like they are 13,14,15. They probably put them in pigtails. They may not be children legally but that's how they are portrayed on the sites.

Just so you know...I caught my H looking at this garbage too...then copied all the files and links and ,...you name it...then threatened to send it to everybody on his email list...and that would have been very very very bad for him. All of a sudden...he came clean...after denying it.   He was checking out granny porn in particular...and needless to say... Ammunition...
Men look at porn..but not all men look at that crap...and most would be embarrassed as hell to admit to that stuff. Needless to say...his pc is clean...now...doesn't mean anything...maybe he hides it better...he sure as heck doesn't want me to find it. Cuz,
"I know a hundred ways to make you regret that. Pick a number..."
-unknown

dont tell me i am excusing it. obviously i am here because i think its wrong. shocked

...uhmmmm...I don't think that's what Harmony meant.
We're here for You...trust in that.  x

[harmony1]

yes..dragon is correct

I think there is alot of buying into the fact that he has a diagnosis..excusing of behavior..

girl101,

if your son does this..will it be ok?

[girl101]

thank you all, but i have expressed that i dont appriciate my son being brought into this, i am now signing off.
the last comment  bu harmony suggests that i am condoning this stuff.thats way out of line.i am finished with this for now.

[DragoN]

No Dx yet. He agreed to therapy at this point...is that correct girl101?

WE...and I mean that in the Royal WE sense...excuse the behavior by being present for it.

[harmony1]

I was stuck in the same place...a long time ago

sorry you took offence girl 101

[DragoN]

Girl101...we've been in your shoes...don't run...please.  x

My husband tore the doors off two bathrooms...I know.

*DAMN*

Sorry...too much...too fast...it Hurts.
WE all know how much it hurts to have our actions questioned. I "get it"
*GAGH*

We are all here for you girl101...ready when you are.  x
Love and hugs...

[GPR]

i do feel that you were harsh about bringing my son into your post like that, i pretty pissed actually, if you have read all my posts you would know that it wasnt necessary to put my ability to keep my son safe in the firing line. as i am a mother i dont think i have to explain that to you, it goes with the territory as we all know.

I'm sorry you feel that way...  but it IMO, it had to be said whether you agree with me or not...  Because it's easy to hide things from an 18 month old, but as he gets older, it will be harder and harder to do.  I'm not questioning if you love your son or that you want to protect him, believe me...  What I'm trying to say is that although he's perfectly fine right now, you need to look at the possible future, and prepare, evaluate, etc. for what COULD happen...

this porn is not with little girls, i mean the title is teen porn but...18 + ...im not an idiot i know it not right but just making sure you understand is not child porn, im not sick, if i thought thats what it was i wouldnt even be here writing about this guy.he'd be in jail.
thanks again, more is welcome.

Again, I don't want to sound like an a-hole, but you really believe it when you say "looking at child porn, it's sick, you wouldn't be writing about it, and he would be in jail..."  But why don't you say the same things about him making out and almost having sex with a 13 year old?  Because, like has been said, he's committed that crime and he could STILL go to jail for that.  That's what I'm talking about as far as looking into the future...

[harmony1]

children learn what they live..these things go in cycles..I have lived it..

I didnt want to hear it either..when I first came on..it was only when people asked me the tough questions..and yes I was angry as well..that I changed me..changed the relationship..now my guy has NO control..

i wish the same for girl101..

[girl101]

have you read all my posts on this topic gpr? because i dont think so. you guys are saying things like im excusing it and asking why i dont see a problem with the 13 yo. i have again and again expressed of f**ked up i think it is.at this stage it a complicated topic and unless you have read all the posts , dont badger me! my partner is ill and has a problem with kid girls YES I KNOW, im just trying to tell you guys that he is not watching child porn and your not accepting it.

i feel your frustration, but at the mo, i am n ot being given advice , i am being badgered and told that i condone and excuse what he is doing. im not twisted.i dont even feel like this is helping anymore.it was until my ability to protect my child was put on the firing line,you think i am not think about whats this is doing to my child?really you think that? you think i would actually pretend that there isnt a problem here and put my child at risk...i have said that after therapy and advice from a T i will make an informed decision.

[Skip]

This is the Staying Board and this member is looking for help to make the best decisions for preserving her relationship (a relationship that is important to her) and help her bf who is the biological father of her son.

All addictions are difficult - and sex addiction/dysfunction has a lot of social stigma attached - hopefully we can all get past the stigma and see this as an addiction - like others.

As in many of our situations, there are no easy answers.

Running is one option.  

Running will break up a family that has a young child, and likely kick off divorce and custody struggles and could end in shared custody.

Isolating or abandoning an addict in rehab often causes them to drop out - support / love is very important when trying to make it through a difficult time.

There are no easy/foolproof answers - that's why she is here    

[DragoN]

   Harmony...and when we got here...or me anyways...I was reeling with the pain...and FIGHTING it...ya know?

girl101...she's a fighter too. They are real prickly...when fogged... remember?

Took me a hell of a long time to "get it"...

I didnt want to hear it either..when I first came on..it was only when people asked me the tough questions..and yes I was angry as well..

...hooo yeah...

We were asked to keep her son out of the discussion...and that was not respected.

i feel your frustration, but at the mo, i am n ot being given advice , i am being badgered and told that i condone and excuse what he is doing. im not twisted.i dont even feel like this is helping anymore.it was until my ability to protect my child was put on the firing line,you think i am not think about whats this is doing to my child?

Work with me here girl101...how can we help you?