Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 01, 2014, 03:17:35 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
FEATURE: Do you use twisted thinking? Take the test
Moderators: DreamGirl, LettingGo14, P.F.Change, Rapt Reader
Advisors: livednlearned, Mutt, pessim-optimist, Turkish, Waverider
Ambassadors: Aussie JJ, caredverymuch, contradancer, free-n-clear, HealingSpirit, lever, NorthernGirl, ziggiddy
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
bing
Please Welcome Newbies to our Community
Every day we have new members joining and trying to find their way through an emotional fog. Just a single post on the days that you log in will make a huge difference in peoples lives. Look for the SO designation in your "unread posts since last visit" or go directly to the Newbie board.
276
Pages: 1 2 3 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: why do they sabotage the relationship?  (Read 4775 times)
CVA
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 703



« on: January 22, 2010, 10:15:55 AM »

Just a thougt... was curious,, sitting here thinking about the past,, taking inventory of things and have been baffled as to why they might or what i feel has happend in my case.. Sabotaging the relationship!,, the one they claim to love so much in the honeymoon stage.. I think i still have some FOG going on ,, has been a few mnths NC now.. But asking myself why did she do this.. sabotage your marrige after only two mnths..

Any insight would be great.. or some valid characteristic traits. I am just trying to still wrap my mind around this whole experience. Chris
Logged
WalrusGumboot
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2843


Two years out and getting better all the time!


« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2010, 10:18:13 AM »

I am looking forward to the responses..

Mine seems to sabotage everything good that comes into her life. It is like she thinks she does not deserve anything good.
Logged

"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
henk2
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 237


« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2010, 10:36:13 AM »

my exdBPDgf yesterday, two weeks after NC: 'How do you think it feels that i miss you terribly as soon as you leave my appartment, but as soon as you are back i start screaming, yelling, insulting you? i am terrified by this b/c i do not understand it myself. i am afraid that i am insane. i don't know why i do it, but i will always do it.'
so, there's no explanation i'm afraid. apart from, perhaps, fear of commitment, fear of engulfment, all the stuff we read in the books.

Logged
henk2
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 237


« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2010, 10:37:36 AM »

replying to myself: i believe more and more that at the core of this disorder are: fear, shame and guilt
Logged
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
GodofNietzsche
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 217


« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2010, 10:39:19 AM »

I had an experience I think might help explain.

The last time I spoke to my ex was over a year ago.  Unfortunately, she called when I was really drunk, so I stupidly answered the phone (and professed my love for her...worst move ever).

Anyways,at one point in the conversation I remember her saying that she "didn't deserved to be loved."  She just couldn't accept it, because she thought she didn't deserve it.  I guess that's why she wants to be a trophy wife.  If she's going to be in a loveless relationship, she should at least reap as many benefits as possible.

Besides that, I think they fear being abandoned so they do it first. It lessens the pain and makes them feel like they have a sense of control.  Internally, BPDs feel so out of control, that they need to control their external environment as a means of compensating.

 My ex definitely sensed my frustration with her at the end of our relationship.  She was acting absolutely ridiculous.  She probably thought I was going to dump her.
Logged
Edie
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 149


« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2010, 10:40:05 AM »

I am not sure it was sabotage.  While things were good he was pretending to be someone he was'nt.   When his true self came or was exposed thats when it went bad.   It had no other place to go then bad, he is mentally ill.
Logged
DC Daniel
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2010, 10:48:28 AM »

Why is there world hunger and poverty? Why do people molest children? Why do people die?

We must accept that BPD is an illness that does NOT MAKE ANY RATIONAL sense to normal people. We build upon our success and experiences, they fear progress and prosperity. They are empty shells, half humans that have a very childlike sense of their own identity and moral values. It is a tragic disease.. We all play a role in enabling behaviors, and may be partially to blame for our relationship problems.. But their need for affection, attention and constant coddling is never-ending, thus resulting in self destructive acts that lead to sabotage. They simply can not help themselves.

With my ex I tried 20 different routes, from therapy, to empathy, to toughness to emotional outburts, to every possible scenario to understand her better and make things work. Every route led to the same conclusion, which was her rage and anger fits... It was when I stopped taking her seriously and refused to enable her that she abandoned me, because she knew I was done putting up with her irrational anger and child-like mentality.. The divorce papers were filed shortly after, and I couldn't be happier with the outcome.
Logged
CVA
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 703



« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2010, 10:51:26 AM »

Keep it coming!
Logged
jpounce
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 211


« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2010, 11:03:57 AM »

I'm definately no expert, and I'm not sure of your situation, but having experienced being "split black" and left by my uBPDxgf I wonder about it all the time. Looking for logic in what seems to make no sense. I dont know... we only experience it from a "non" perspective. I was thinkin about it today, ( still can NOT seem to get over her/this )

So I try to put myself into the mind of my unforgetable BPD girl...

Everything we read or are told about BPD paints a pretty bleak picture, I guess this would have to be espically true if what your reading or hearing about paints a picture of... yourself. Facing that has gotta be tough if you consider that these persons have a disorder whereby if they see a flaw in themselves, then they would have to consider themselves "all bad". And that even if you could get beter with therapy, its ganna take YEARS, its gonna be hard work, you'll havta be completely open to admitting that you yourself, might be the source of all the failed relationships. That sure would kick in the "flight" instict, in even a nondisordered person. Maybe when these people sabotage, or leave a marriage or a relationship, that started out so well, just to get into another one, and another one,and another one, maybe they're running. Running away from having to face an unpleasant truth about themselves, that they might  have a disorder, a problem. It doesnt help them progress to a happy ending, but it buys them time, puts off their having to come face to face with their disorderd thought patterns that are part of BPD, and deal with them.  I dont know... This is just "the BPD world according to jpounce " today.  
Logged
New to BPD
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 60


I am Learning and Understanding each Day


« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2010, 11:11:41 AM »

CVA

I understand your thoughts and feelings.
I have to agree with responses that have been made to your post.
When you look back and read the Words of others, but look at the Concept they are saying.
They all say the same thing. This is especially true for us as Non's

On the flip side the same is true when you look at your BPD counterpart, the experiences we each encounter with them is a little different.
But when you back off understand the Concept of what they project or do.
It is, again, all the same when us as Non's put it into writing of we what see and experience.

The most significant observation that I have been most enlightened with in my first experience with my uBPDw
Is what I see when I look into her eyes when she is coping with her internal Rage
They are open, but empty, I am looking into the eyes of a "Black Hole"
How do you communicate with them,
In any normal relationship, the eyes always tell,
It is the feedback you look for to know you are communicating.

Not with a BPD, it has many other faces other than the eyes only.
To me a Rational Thought process is the key. How else can you grow and develop without the ability to communicate.

All I can say in response to your post is the Fact:
They do not know. What is Sabatoge in a Relationship? Thy only can think about themselves in their own defined Rational Way
Understanding what is in the Black Hole is our challenge as a Non.
The thought process of the dysfunction of BPD: Can change like Wind. (Calm and peaceful sometimes, or Raging like a Storm)
It is a Black Hole and means a person is trying to communicate with Nothing. (Like an Alien, not of this Earth)

Life is the story of Lessons
We learn from our experiences, Good or Bad
I have learned a lesson about the meaning of BPD.
All I know now is the Fact:

I don't want or need to relieve that Experience again.
For me I am in a transition. I am half way in and half way out in my experience.
I know what needs to be done for me.
It has not been fun.

New to BPD 
Logged
DC Daniel
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 418


« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2010, 11:18:54 AM »

CVA

I understand your thoughts and feelings.
I have to agree with responses that have been made to your post.
When you look back and read the Words of others, but look at the Concept they are saying.
They all say the same thing. This is especially true for us as Non's

On the flip side the same is true when you look at your BPD counterpart, the experiences we each encounter with them is a little different.
But when you back off understand the Concept of what they project or do.
It is, again, all the same when us as Non's put it into writing of we what see and experience.

The most significant observation that I have been most enlightened with in my first experience with my uBPDw
Is what I see when I look into her eyes when she is coping with her internal Rage
They are open, but empty, I am looking into the eyes of a "Black Hole"
How do you communicate with them,
In any normal relationship, the eyes always tell,
It is the feedback you look for to know you are communicating.

Not with a BPD, it has many other faces other than the eyes only.
To me a Rational Thought process is the key. How else can you grow and develop without the ability to communicate.

All I can say in response to your post is the Fact:
They do not know. What is Sabatoge in a Relationship? Thy only can think about themselves in their own defined Rational Way
Understanding what is in the Black Hole is our challenge as a Non.
The thought process of the dysfunction of BPD: Can change like Wind. (Calm and peaceful sometimes, or Raging like a Storm)
It is a Black Hole and means a person is trying to communicate with Nothing. (Like an Alien, not of this Earth)

Life is the story of Lessons
We learn from our experiences, Good or Bad
I have learned a lesson about the meaning of BPD.
All I know now is the Fact:

I don't want or need to relieve that Experience again.
For me I am in a transition. I am half way in and half way out in my experience.
I know what needs to be done for me.
It has not been fun.

New to BPD  

Excellent analogy. They are like black holes.. Nothing can escape their psychosis, despite how much love, attention, affection, money, experiences and joy you feed them.

But even a black hole emits tiny bits of radiation.. Black holes eventually die, after 2.098 × 10 to the 67 power! (thank you Wikipedia)
They will be around much longer after the universe has ceased to exist.. Like a black hole, treating a BPD is about as mind numbing as a black holes longevity... And as frustrating.. Simply put, there is very little hope to help them. They are lost souls, forever sucking away whatever life force and experiences they are a part of.
 
Logged
bkay
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 652


« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2010, 11:32:32 AM »

Since BPD is an illness centered around intimacy with those close to them I don't even know if they are aware, until they get help, that they are sabotaging anything.  It's just how they live their lives.  It's what they know as their world.

I think most of them are highly unhappy living it though, and until they accept that they are a part of their own misery and reach out for help to try to change things... they will continue sabotaging their own happiness.  But pwBPD that aren't getting help don't see it that way.  They see it as "I am so unlucky to continue to meet people who don't understand me."  So they keep searching outside themselves.

I think when they get close to someone it also triggers their abandonment fears and/or enmeshment fears-- so they start behaving in ways that do not make sense to non disordered folks.  They look at it as "you're making me do this."  We look at it as "you're sabotaging us."  Hence, the dysfunctional dance.

Logged
Cath
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 83


« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2010, 01:17:20 PM »

When my ex got into therapy for the last few months of our relationship one of the things he said the therapist had told him was that it was his issues that were causing most problems in our relationship. This was a revelation to my ex who, apparently up until then, had sincerely believed that I was the one with all the problems. The therapist went on to suggest that he might be sabotaging the relationship. Again, he thought about it, and decided the therapist was wrong.

For my sake, I'd prefer to think my ex was genuinely deluded than too frightened to take responsibility for his actions. It makes it easier to forgive a lot of the hurtful things he did and said. I don't suppose these delusional worldviews are completely water-tight, esp. for high functioning BPs (they must have to work so hard at reconciling all the contradictory evidence!) Now and again some awareness of those contradicting facts must leak into their consciousness. That was my experience anyway: when we had the final, break-up conversation I remember him saying first that I had a right to be angry with him, and then, a few minutes later that he didn't feel guilty for anything he had done in the relationship. He couldn't see the inconsistency.

The point being that for a BP these delusions are pervasive and persistent, and severely interfere with their assessment of their own and others' behaviour.

Chris -- no-one in their right mind would wreck their own marriage like that. But that's BPD: she wasn't in her right mind  cry

Take care,

Cath
 
Logged
CVA
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 703



« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2010, 02:09:11 PM »

This is all helping. I have been trying to stop my introspection within myself.. I have been really scanning my self as to why,what,when, and how i could have done better.. I did not want to lose this marriag. But everything seemed so futile. I really poured myself into it i mean especally in the beginning to be supportive,loving,kind,etc, but my patience was tried to no end. I was getting worn out, so quickly. She must have sensed me frustration and me making threats to her that i would call the cops, or have her admitted.. WIch was a huge mistake on my part. it was more out of anger. I took her to see a T she went twice before starting to paint her black too.. She was so prideful with her online medication research and self diagnosing herself with http=5 and tryptophan and other things.. I find out later that this stuff messes with your brain chemistry snri's and such.. neuro=transmittors. she said she was only depressed and that i was overreacting to her, and that i was the one with issues.

She wanted to go to Yoga three times a week. wich was ok,, she wanted acupuncture twice a week...she wanted all this organic. hormone free foods. I mean it was extreme... I admire healthy living.. but it seemed to me she was doing anything she could to keep her body chemistry regulated. would not take birth control unless it was of a special kind.. She must have been aware or obssesed with how chamicals in foods affect her personalilty..crap i dnt know..

I admired all the healthy living stuff. But she was trying to get me to take amino acids. she said she did research and with the combination of tryptophan..htp=5 and amino acids it regulated her ailments... I was not clear as to what they were. But i just assumed it was what healthy eaters do..

I do know she took melatonin most everynight to sleep, she could neevr sleep without it.. she also had this mouthpiece to keep her from grinding her teeth. and she had to sleep seperate with her own blanket.. It all sounds petty maybe i know.. but this was all bazarre to me.. Oh and she had like this super accute hearing.. she would sleep with earplugs. in and a eyepillow.. Talk about being tuned out from any intimacy at night.. It was a process to just hold her.. But then she would be a freak in the shower.. so much wierd stuff and behavior.. Im dumbfounded.. She would rage in me if i moved at night. turning over or whatever.. or if she could hear me breathing.. I mean it was like she hated every fiber of me the longer we were together.. My self esteem is coming back,, slowly. Just never experinced so much.. I think she might have more that BPD going on.. As i said in previous posts.. her mom is full blown state handicapped Parnia schizo.. i wonder if this is happening too?  

Well thanks for letting me vent here, and reading... keep posting.. Thanks for sharing.. Chris
Logged
jalk
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 1857



« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2010, 03:55:08 PM »

I think for some reason they get it into their heads that they will be dumped. I think mine came clean with her eating disorder with me after being with me for 8 years...another victim came along with more money than me, she probably felt that I was no longer what she needed and maybe I would be tired of her esp coming clean on the eating disorder...decides the new victim looks good...$$$$$...she's gone. Its all about their fear of abandoment...they need to leave you 1st...can't be the other way around or that really messes them up...plus its about what they WANT in their life NOW. They live in the moment...do not think of consequences...what would make them happy now. Later whatever it was that made them happy now will not do the trick for them in the future...it'll be something else. Cycle, cycle, cycle. Round and round and round we go, where they land...nobody, not even them, knows. And where they end they do not stay.They stray. Cut the loss.
Logged

Live each day like it is your last day to live BUT be sure it is your life you're living.
LeroyBrown
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316


WWW
« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2010, 05:24:13 PM »

Quote
'How do you think it feels that i miss you terribly as soon as you leave my appartment, but as soon as you are back i start screaming, yelling, insulting you? i am terrified by this b/c i do not understand it myself. i am afraid that i am insane. i don't know why i do it, but i will always do it.'

Wow henk2. I got some things quite similar. She once said to me, "I don't why I'm like this, okay! When I get frustrated, I lash out! I've been like this my whole life! I HATE being this way! Do you think I like being this way?" (yes, it was all in exclamations)

Quote
Since BPD is an illness centered around intimacy with those close to them I don't even know if they are aware, until they get help, that they are sabotaging anything.  It's just how they live their lives.  It's what they know as their world.
Interesting take, bkay. Mine would go back and forth between admitting her responsibility and projection. I remember Howzah posted on here once that an integral factor to their hopeless existence is denial.

Quote
All I know now is the Fact:

I don't want or need to relieve that Experience again.
For me I am in a transition. I am half way in and half way out in my experience.
I know what needs to be done for me.
It has not been fun.

Amen to that, brother!

One experience I had is that I remember mine saying to me on two occasions, "It's like I'm one of those that looks good from a distance, then guys figure out the real me and leave." When I think about that now, I have to laugh that that didn't phase me. How sickly choked by the hope of the return to idealization and the FOG I was.  barfy  She basically said to me that guys leave and she knew there was something wrong with her, but she didn't think she deserved the abandonment that had been bestowed upon her. Sick, hopeless monsters.

In solidarity,
LB

Logged
Valentine09
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 759


« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2010, 09:27:12 PM »

Mine was convinced that all relationships included tons of fighting.  She told me I didn't know enough about relationships, because I hadn't had as many.  Now I know why she's had so many.  And when I confronted her with the fact that none of her previous relationships worked out, she told me that she and the other guys were simply going in different directions in life.  Later found out she cheated on them in one way or another.  They sabotage because we've gotten too close to them and they're already starting to bait someone else. They live off the drama, because without chaos they don't feel anything.  They will deny to the end that they are the problem.  I got tons of ridiculous excuses that were self destructive and sabotaging like...

I'm really picky, I hate Levis jeans, and you wear Levis
You're too jealous
My man should be fine with me flirting with other guys and should know I'll always come back to him at the end of the day.
You can't take a joke, looks like I wear the pants in this relationship
I'm not ready for a relationship, these other guys are just friends
I'd like to get artificially inseminated so that I can have a kid without the relationship
You don't know anything about relationships, I've been in enough to know.
You try too hard and you're annoying.
You can't make me feel the way the other guys do.
You don't have enough interests and don't know where you are going in life
You're not... ugly ... you're okay looking.
I wish so and so would ask me out.
You're gonna make some girl very happy someday.
I've been having dreams about becoming a lesbian with my best friend.
You don't know when to hold my hand and when not to.
You don't know how to flirt.
You don't know how to touch a woman.
I feel really safe with you, but that's it, I don't think there's any chemistry on my part.
I say there's no chemistry, but I think I'm just not ready for a relationship.
I want to get married and have kids right away and you're too unstable (personal favorite)
I don't know where you fit in my life, or anyone for that matter.
You need someone who's less DRAMATIC.
You need a girl who's more shy than you.
You need a girl that you can dominate, because I overpower you.

And with that kind of thinking, I can't imagine her ever having a successful relationship.



Logged
AMust
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 160



« Reply #17 on: January 22, 2010, 10:25:59 PM »

New to BPD- that was a great post and spoke volumes.

I think they sabotage the relationship because they are afraid that it will end and they don't want that pain.  It must be so scary to have BPD - never allowing yourself to truly let down your guard and experience without fear. Mine doesn't feel he deserves happiness.  He feels that he is not a good person inside.  And, yes, when he is in 'that' personality, there truly is nothing in the eyes.  I had never noticed that but now that you mentioned it, yup.  And he didn't like anyone looking into his eyes because he feared that they would see his soul, his real self, and not like the person inside.  It breaks my heart to see someone I love live like that. 
Logged

Be strong
CVA
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 703



« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2010, 08:42:07 AM »

Great guys & gals... This gives me alot of insight, and know once again that i am no alone in this.. That there are so many characteristics. ,,

Cath,, thanks for the simple yet helpful insight... I have been in disbelief of how a woman could just walk out of a marriage so soon,, and think she has tried everything.

I hope thi thread is helping othere here on the board both new and old...


I have been NC now for 4 mnths,, it does get easier.. But Im still married and half to wait a year of seperation before this can end... I dnt waant it to,but i now it must ,, Chris
Logged
henk2
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 237


« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2010, 09:58:13 AM »

valentine: my exgf told me every single thing you mention in your list, every one of them. and leroy, that would explain also why yours said the same as mine, about not understanding why she does all the terrible things, but can't refrain from doing it. they all seem to be the same person in many ways.
Logged
LeroyBrown
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316


WWW
« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2010, 07:35:26 PM »

Quote
I'd like to get artificially inseminated so that I can have a kid without the relationship

Dude, I heard the EXACT same thing.

I responded, "Well, let me know how that works for you. It can be done these days!" in a light-hearted but serious tone and then she replied, "See, this is why I can't talk to you on the phone when I'm in moods like this, because I say things that I don't mean."
Logged
Valentine09
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 759


« Reply #21 on: January 23, 2010, 08:03:25 PM »


Dude, I heard the EXACT same thing.


Whoa, really?  That's eerie man.  I was laying with my exgf on her bed playing scrabble and she decides to blurt that out of nowhere, after I'd been out of town for a whole week and she begged to see me.  I didn't sleep well that whole night.  My words to her were "So what are you doing with me then?"  And her response was that she wasn't sure if we'd work out.  Well of course not, why would I even try to make a relationship work with someone who doesn't want one?  And I told her this bothered me and she said I was taking her comment too seriously, as well as taking the relationship too seriously. 

She really wants kids, and I feel sorry for those future kids, but they ain't gonna be mine.
Logged
LeroyBrown
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 316


WWW
« Reply #22 on: January 23, 2010, 08:18:30 PM »

Quote
She really wants kids, and I feel sorry for those future kids, but they ain't gonna be mine
They want kids because it helps them to feel needed. They think (operative word here being, "think") that feeling needed by children will fill that massive void. For your answer, just go to the "Children Dealing with Parents with BPD" board.
Logged
gutzgutz
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 340


« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2010, 11:43:17 PM »

Amendment of Valentine099's great list:

Slightly amended how I experienced it:
I'm really picky, I hate Levis jeans, and you wear Levis
I really like women wearing girly clothes, you are too classy, I don’t like this.
You're too jealous
Ditto
My man should be fine with me flirting with other guys and should know I'll always come back to him at the end of the day.
My girl should not be bothered with me flirting and actively pursuing other girls and should know that I might come back to her at the end of the day, actually come back to be hugged by her after I have put her off.
You can't take a joke, looks like I wear the pants in this relationship
You can’t take a joke, this after having actually being sarcastic or offensive
I'm not ready for a relationship, these other guys are just friends
I am not ready for any relationship, I look for a companion and cleaner
I'd like to get artificially inseminated so that I can have a kid without the relationship
I do not want kids (not during the whole relationship) only to go off with a woman with two kids now. I always wanted kids.
You don't know anything about relationships, I've been in enough to know.
N/A
You try too hard and you're annoying.
You try too hard, you want me, gosh how annoying.
You can't make me feel the way the other guys do.
You can’t make me feel the way the lustfull women who had not had sex for years made me, these women who were still in marriages and pining for it.
You don't have enough interests and don't know where you are going in life
N/A
You're not... ugly ... you're okay looking.
   You are too good, too nice, you are not my type
I wish so and so would ask me out.
I wish S. would want me, I wish T would want me. If R phones and invites me to Texas, I will go there and spend my life with her, blablabla
You're gonna make some girl very happy someday.
   You are going to make some guy happy oneday.
I've been having dreams about becoming a lesbian with my best friend.
N/A
You don't know when to hold my hand and when not to.
   Ditto - Don't hold my hand, it is embarrassing
You don't know how to flirt.
   If you would have another boyfriend, this would be exciting
You don't know how to touch a woman.
   N/A
I feel really safe with you, but that's it, I don't think there's any chemistry on my part.
I feel nice with you, but you are too loving, I feel there is no chemistry on my part
I say there's no chemistry, but I think I'm just not ready for a relationship.
I say there’s no chemistry, but I think I am just ready for a new fling.
I want to get married and have kids right away and you're too unstable (personal favorite)
I want to get married (to somebody else) and I want have kids (with somebody else) this applies to all his girl friends – as he only wants what he cannot have
I don't know where you fit in my life, or anyone for that matter.
I am not really interested in relationships. I need sex and some companionship. Meaning I need somebody to do things my term.
You need someone who's less DRAMATIC.
Ditto
You need a girl who's more shy than you.
N/A
You need a girl that you can dominate, because I overpower you.
   You need a man that you can love, because I am too fickle.

Thanks this rant helps and makes me feel better
Logged
Valentine09
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 759


« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2010, 12:20:58 AM »

Cool, glad it helped  smiley

There really is no excuse or hurtful thing that they can't think up.  They can pull insults out of thin air, out of nothing.  Most are easy enough to laugh off because they're so totally off the wall...but some do stick and grind on you.  And I think they have such a high frequency of attacks that eventually they do get to you and break your spirit. 

Mine texted me tonight to tell me how she was there for me when I was low and always wanted to cheer me up when I was sad.  They really believe we're the problem.  But she's the one that made me sad and feel low... and the whole time I was trying to lift her up she was putting me down.  It's a terrible dynamic and I still look back and wonder how I got into it.  I now know it's because she's persistent and I didn't have any boundaries.  They just don't quit and will tell you whatever  you want to hear to take them back.  NC is the only way to go...then they can't sabotage anything but themselves because they're talking into thin air. 
Logged
Major_Dad
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 323


« Reply #25 on: January 24, 2010, 09:10:05 AM »

I don't think there is a specific intent to sabotage in most BPD/Non relationships. But a hallmark of BPD is the overwhelming compulsion to project onto SO's. And this eventually creates irreparable damage. In some instances, when the BPD realizes that their SO is going to leave and they cannot stop it, they will be the one to make the break in public to mitigate feelings of responsibility.
Logged
2015 Community Sponsors
Keeping BPDFamily on the air
We are all appreciative of the thoughtful men and women who provide the support, education, and brotherhood that keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in our lives. To all, thank you for this wonderful resource.

123Phoebe
Alex86
antifragile
Aurora7
Aussie JJ
Aussieman
beatup
BlackandBlue
blissful_camper
bobbyvp
Bookworm77
bpdfamfan
captain4464
catclaw
caughtnreleased
chooselove
chump
claudiaduffy
Cmjo
ColdEthyl
Conundrum
corraline
coworkerfriend
Cumulus
dar
Dark star
Dire Wolf
doubleAries
Dutched
Emelie Emelie
enlighten me
findingmyselfagain
forget-me-not
freedom33
FreeMeGal
fromheeltoheal
Gagrl
gettin-unstuck
goldylamont
HappyChappy
Harri
HealingSpirit
Heartandsole
heartandwhole
Hope26
imataloss
Inside
Intent_to_learn
jellibeans
joolz29
jthorpejr
KarenDH
kc sunshine
kiddfei
kidsteele
Kwamina
KQuestionsItAll
landofoz
Leelou
Leelou
lever
Lmls
Loveofhislife
MammaMia
maxen
Memorial Donation
Mike76
Mommy108
Mr Hollande
Narellan
NeedHelpPls
Nope
NorthernGirl
oblivian2013
P.F.Change
pallavirajsinghani
Panda39
patientandclear
Patty
Pingo
Pou
preciousme
Progress Not Perfection
qcarolr
qkslvrgirl
Rapt Reader
raytamtay3
Reforming
Rifka
rj47
rollercoaster24
Ross O
sanemom
schwing
SCM
seahorse
Should I stay or...
SistersKeeper
Skip
Soulslider
Surnia
swampped
sweetheart
Take2
Theo41
thereishope
TigerEye
ToLiveAgain
toomanytears
trappedinlove
Turkish
twojaybirds
Up In the Air
Vindi
vre
waverider
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
White_Lily
winston72
zenwexler
Pay it forward Here

If you made a donation and your name does not appear on this list here , please contact us so that we may confirm that the payment was properly credited to BPDFamily.

Pages: 1 2 3 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Top Spacer
index.php?topic=136462.msg1331265#msg1331265
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!