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Author Topic: Does silence really drive them crazy?  (Read 1798 times)
Valentine09
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« on: January 23, 2010, 04:26:10 PM »

Why should my attention affect her at all?  She's getting attention from a bunch of different guys, so why would me going NC hurt her so much.  Or is she just saying that she's hurt and really isn't?  She has plenty of people fawning over her, why does she need me anymore?  Is it the fact that I've taken back some form of control and sanity over my life that bugs her?
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2010, 04:36:07 PM »

I would like to see answers to this question too Val. It is as if my going NC drives him insane!
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Valentine09
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« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2010, 04:46:41 PM »

Yeah, it's always fine if they ignore us but it's never okay if we do it.  We're finally being the ones to push them away, and I guess that's just a loss of power for them.  And it does touch me that my exgf says she's hurting. I kind of believe it, because she'll never escape this BPD loop, and that's got to hurt.  But at the same time, she's flirting with other guys and starting up new relationships as if everything is okay.  Totally FUBAR to me.
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unknown
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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2010, 05:51:38 PM »

im guessing because its a form of abandonment and they hate abandonment more then anything.


mine was texting me, cursing me off saying i mean absoultley NOTHING to her and she hates me and im a scumbag bla bla bla...then i blocked her number and went no contact, and she called my friend screaming and crying saying she just wanted to be my friend?   this is all when she had a new boyfriend too.    weirdest disorder ever

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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
whyme87
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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2010, 06:10:58 PM »

I had similar to the above in person "i hate you.i dont love you anymore"

i got upset and she said i cant be with you.

Then she held my hand i told her to get off "i dont want to say bye to you"

 "i do love you and want to be with you"

all whilst she was texting her now b/f

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CVA
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« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2010, 07:50:14 PM »

Im totally looking forward to the reply's to this thread also!  I wink
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Valentine09
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« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2010, 07:55:56 PM »

Haha, she's intensifying the re-engages tonight!  Just got some crazy text from her saying how she was always there for me when I was feeling my lowest of lows...Yeah f&*(ing right?  And that she always wanted to cheer me up when I was sad.  This is completely backwards because she's describing what I did for her.  She was never there for me.  Silence really does make them crazy,  lol  How could she possibly think any of this is true?  After she left me how is that possible?
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LeroyBrown
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« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2010, 01:08:05 AM »

Quote
Why should my attention affect her at all?
A hallmark of BPD is denial. Sooo...IMHO, when us Non's give them attention after they have repeatedly kicked us in the teeth, it says to them, "What you did/who you are really isn't bad enough to make me never want to talk to you again." and reinforces their denial. Us giving them attention allows them to not deal with the fact that they ran yet another person off in their life. This is also probably why they never seek/avoid closure and continue re-engages years later.

Quote
How could she possibly think any of this is true?  After she left me how is that possible?
I think we all have a very difficult time with this. I don't know if they convince themselves of this to avoid acknowledging how sick/twisted/evil their behavior is (and thus further pain), or if they know better and just want to suck us back into the FOG which would allow them to repress acknowledgement of their inner filth.

I take solace that one day when her physical beauty has faded, she will be forced to sit with herself and that hideous beast within. And NO ONE will be able to slay that beast but her. Maybe then she will have her emancipation...

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jalk
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« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2010, 09:27:51 AM »

Yes LeroyBrown, some day, they do get old and wrinkled, they will lose that outer beauty and all that will be left is the inner ugliness. It's going to be a real bad time for them...real bad. Reality sucks for them. Another thing...they try and keep in touch with us so as to have us a the fall back in case the new victim doesn't work out...or maybe to have an affair with us, while with the new victim. If the new victim isn't around because they are working or whatever, it's always nice to have a "friend" to "play" with. Don't play the game...you will get hurt...promises will be made, they will dump you, over and over and over. Do not become their toy.
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Live each day like it is your last day to live BUT be sure it is your life you're living.
iwillsurvive
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« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2010, 09:31:54 AM »

I've read somewhere that our silence is the absolute worst thing you can "say" to them.  Ignoring a person who has BPD/NPD is the WORST thing you can do to them.  It drives them crazy because they want the attention...ANY...sort of attention from us.

I remember during one of our break-ups something he wrote in an email to me.  He broke up with me an in email...out of the blue kinda thing.  I never responded back to him...I just let it go, even though it killed me to go NC (we are neighbors).  So...I completely changed my routine...didn't drive down his street...just sort of fell off the face of the earth, as far as he was concerned.

His email to me was very telling:  "Why don't you drive down my street anymore?  Why are you ignoring me?", etc. etc.

So...yes, I think it does drive them crazy.  I mean...doesn't it drive US crazy that they are silent?  
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Koro
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« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2010, 10:20:07 AM »

A hallmark of BPD is denial. Sooo...IMHO, when us Non's give them attention after they have repeatedly kicked us in the teeth, it says to them, "What you did/who you are really isn't bad enough to make me never want to talk to you again." and reinforces their denial. Us giving them attention allows them to not deal with the fact that they ran yet another person off in their life. r.

So true the denial reinforcement. Going NC for a couple of days made my dBPDxg realized that she was really wrong on many levels. Since she have been diagnosed by 4 different Ts, and she is a bit on the histrionic side (tnk god, no Narcissistic traits, like her sister and mother), she can have a better introspection at her behavior. (4 years ago, she was a cutter, but not anymore, so I think she really is in BPD rehab.) That's why, as I have been saying, strongly unforgiving boundaries WORKS; that also mean going NC; at least they work in a rehabilitating BPD that can make introspection about herself and knows all about her condition, accept that and is trying to work with that.

My Momo is really over the edge with this whole hardcore NC I have been giving to her; she never doubted me before; never ever she thought I would be capable of having sex with other girls. But since I went NC and I have been going out with friends, guys and girls, she got really angry and jealous because she thinks I am over her. And hell, maybe I am. Her mother called me worried, telling me she haven't been going out of the house for at least 7 days and haven't been eating or going to college. So, yeah, going NC is the best form of accountability there is (if you want to see it that way) and also the best way to get back at them BPDs and move on.

NC = is like castling in an emotional chess game against a BPD. Really strong move.

I think we all have a very difficult time with this. I don't know if they convince themselves of this to avoid acknowledging how sick/twisted/evil their behavior is (and thus further pain), or if they know better and just want to suck us back into the FOG which would allow them to repress acknowledgement of their inner filth.

I take solace that one day when her physical beauty has faded, she will be forced to sit with herself and that hideous beast within. And NO ONE will be able to slay that beast but her. Maybe then she will have her emancipation...

lol @ emancipation / inner filth and evil remarks. You're just hilarious man. haha

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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2010, 02:02:59 PM »

Quote
I've read somewhere that our silence is the absolute worst thing you can "say" to them. Ignoring a person who has BPD/NPD is the WORST thing you can do to them. It drives them crazy because they want the attention...ANY...sort of attention from us.
The threats uBPxh made after I left him were due (in his words) from my ignoring him/not taking his calls or answering his e-mails. His words verbatim, "You might not want to go down this road of ignoring me. I might just decide I want alimony, half the bills and the whole frickin' shot! But if that's the way you want to play it. Oh well."   ... He didn't have a leg to stand on for those threats to be valid but at the time it scared the hell out of me. That's when I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. Two months later...divorced!

Quote
NC = is like castling in an emotional chess game against a BPD. Really strong move.

The trick to NC is holding our ground!
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scalded
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« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2010, 02:44:55 PM »

Yes LeroyBrown, some day, they do get old and wrinkled, they will lose that outer beauty and all that will be left is the inner ugliness. It's going to be a real bad time for them...real bad. Reality sucks for them. Another thing...they try and keep in touch with us so as to have us a the fall back in case the new victim doesn't work out...or maybe to have an affair with us, while with the new victim. If the new victim isn't around because they are working or whatever, it's always nice to have a "friend" to "play" with. Don't play the game...you will get hurt...promises will be made, they will dump you, over and over and over. Do not become their toy.

This is so true. My exBPDbf dumped me last summer for new girl and the last 6 months has been constant re-engaging to keep me around to play with when she is out of town.  I have avoided him for the last 3 weeks and as soon as I came back into town to my second home he is all over me and we end up having sex and he tells me he has his kids the ext day until noon (implying that we will see each other then) and then the next day I get a text message just after noon telling me he is going somewhere with his girlfriend for the rest of the day.  So I text him back several times expressing my anger that he did not even call me after we had been intimate and he doesn't respond at all that day becvause he's with her.  In my last of three texts I said "you really just don't give a damn do you".  The next day after the girlfriend is off to take care of her kids he calls (I don't answer).  I text three hours later telling him I am in a really bad mood and do not want to talk.  He texts back that he is sorry, so sorry.  I have ot responded and will not.  Yes the silent treatment is the absolute best way to torture them.  It's just sad that nice people like us get to the point of actually wanting to torture someone else becasue we hhave had such pain inflicted on us.
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Valentine09
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« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2010, 06:03:20 PM »

It's just sad that nice people like us get to the point of actually wanting to torture someone else becasue we hhave had such pain inflicted on us.

I know, I don't like putting someone through hell.  It makes me feel awful.  But these people really have no clue how much pain they inflict on us.  They flip it around completely and act like they're kind and nurturing and have been the entire time.  There really are no winners in these types of relationships.
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lieslieslies
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« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2010, 02:43:17 PM »

Im totally looking forward to the reply's to this thread also!  I wink
hi,

st is the best, try it

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