To the daddies of children with a Borderline mother.

[frtbt2]

Daddies of children with borderline mothers,

    You need to understand how vital you are to us. Our mommies don't exist. Not anymore, or maybe they never have. Either way, they'be been replaced by the Queens and Warfs that say just beneath the surface. Just beneath the face that society sees. We live in a familial hell, sheltered by the outward perceptions of a happy home. No one sees the chains she binds us with, therefore no one can free us. but you see. You deal with it even now. The guilt trips, the lies. "You're lucky to have her. You're lukcy she bothers with you because you're not even worth her time."

    We know we're not always worth it either. But then again, why would we be? She isn't, and we're just projections, sometimes of the most hated parts of her. We're ungrateful. She's a good mother. We have no right to say any different. We learn to hide. We hide everything,, thoughts, feelings treasured belongings; because at any time, they could be taken away, or broken, or used against us.

    We learn to be mini therapists, crisis centers even. Many of us have been required to call an ambulance when we find the remnents of our mothers's suicide attempt. We know at twelve that she tried to kill herself when she was our age.

   We're the most hated parts of her some days and her pride and joy the next. Some days she degrades us, some days she cuddles with us and loves us. Things seem normal. Some days it's our job to take care of her when she's too drunk or high to do it herself. She calls us from our friends or beds to keep her company. We keep secrets for her, lie for her even. We want so badly to get away, but we can't stand the thought of leaving her alone. Our voices are silent, we have no escape. DEFACS can't help, how could they? There isn't any outward issue. Everything is perfect from the outside. She is a master of deceit. Daddies, you're our last hope at innocence, survival and happiness.



It's not done yet, I'm not quite sure what to add though. any input would be nice.

[atwittsend]

I know that woman... .sadly. 

you said "We know we're not always worth it either."  this is absolutely not true.  this is a    stay with us and kick that one to the curb!

I fully agree that the dads are HUGE for the kids.  We play a vital role in giving these kids any sort of fair chance at happiness. 

Im sorry you had this experience. 

[frtbt2]

this is something that I wrote a few months ago. I had just grasped the idea that these things weren't my fault. To me, there is a distinct difference between knowing something and believing it. At that point I was transcending that barrier. I also wanted to write it in a way that many different children could understand it. Not all of the experiences were mine. Most of them were, but some of them were things I had read. I figured that it would be more effective though if more children could relate. Anyway, thank you for the feedback.

[Celiann]

Hi frtbt2,

this is heartbreaking. I am sorry that you lived through that. Thank you for writing this note to my father and all fathers. Although our situation was not as bad as your, our father is the reason why we are half healthy. He was the other side of the mirror, the proof that love exists.

We're the most hated parts of her some days and her pride and joy the next. Some days she degrades us, some days she cuddles with us and loves us. Things seem normal. Some days it's our job to take care of her when she's too drunk or high to do it herself. She calls us from our friends or beds to keep her company. We keep secrets for her, lie for her even. We want so badly to get away, but we can't stand the thought of leaving her alone.

This must have been most difficult for you. I was lucky, my mother hated me everyday, so there was no ambiguity. I feel that children who leave in a predictable world (even if emotionally abusive) have it easier to recover. We have nothing to loose anymore. For those of you who were thrown away then taken back then trown away again, it must be a nightmare to find your way in the labyrinth of emotions. I feel for you.

It is important to write those pieces. There is little done to help children understand that it is not their fault. There seems to be a silence conspiration from family members to neighbors to school teachers. Like everyone is afraid to pronounce the word "crazy". You are right, fathers are so important to validate our feelings. God Bless mine, wherever he is.

Thanks.

[truefriend]

This is so moving... .it is also so sad and must be so confusing for a child... .One day hated and next loved, and never knowing which would be facing you... I wish we could do something for the children of BPD sufferers... .they need someone to reach out to so they can realize they aren't bad or wrong... .Can you tell me at the earliest age you knew something was wrong? The age of rememberance?

[frtbt2]

I know that when I was 12 1/2 I started to self injure. I had my suicide planned. Then I didn't think it was my mother,in hindsight maybe it was. I REALLY remember when I was 14. Birthday's were always huge to her, we moved that summer and she was too busy to do a birthday thing for me. I was starting highschool in a brand new county and I didn't know anyone, I had a lot of problems making friends and she was never there. Again at the time though I thought I was just being high maintenance that's what my stepdad said. I knew that I was miserable when I was 16, and I knew that it was wrong after I spoke to a family friend for a couple of hours one night and she told me about her mother who was the same way. She told me it wasn't right and that I didn't deserve it and I decided then that while I didn't believe that I didn't deserve it, I wanted out. My dad was there so I moved in with him. I told my mom I was leaving to live with my dad, that I was over the age of 14 so legally it was what I wanted. I was the no good child anyway so she had no issue getting rid of me.

[truefriend]

It's good you had a Daddy that you could go live with, and you got out pretty early... .

[Celiann]

Oh sweetie, this is so sad. It's a good thing that you write these experiences.  It's also a blessing that you met this friend x

How are you recovering? What or who seem to help today?

[frtbt2]

I am doing TONS better. I'm able to function in real life now. Most of the time. I have been showing some signs of PTSD with flashbacks and such things, from the flashbacks spawn "anger attacks" as my therapist likes to put it. I am happy with the person I am now, I know that I am not useless, I am a good child. Now I just have to take the time to face what SHE did so that I can let it go. I'm trying to learn to express this anger that I'm so bad at expressing. As soon as my dad and I work out college funds (she wants to help pay for it but that kind of terrifies both of us) I plan on going LC. I have a six year old sister that was very attached to me ( I took care of her A LOT when she was younger) and I am trying to find the fine line of being emotionally able to handle my mother so that I can see my sister, and seeing my sister enough but still being emotionally okay. She's so little, she doesn't understand why I left and it's hard on her. so I suppose once I am able to see my mother again without breaking down I'm going to work on maintaining the relationship with my sister.

I currently have a fantastic daddy and a fantastic boyfriend of a little over a year, as well as a FANTASTIC therapist that has been through this same type thing.

[Celiann]

You are a good kid and you'll go far. It's good to know that you have some help. By doing the work that you are doing, you are also a great role model for your sister. Take your time to heal. I wish you a wonderful college experience. And thanks again for writing that piece. 

[chukt]

This was a very moving post.  I think many of us ":)addies" would really like to hear more of your perspective because

we've lived this, but it's very hard to know what is going on in a child's mind.  With my 9 year old son I see him try so

hard to be close to my uBPDw and protect her in the way you describe.  I've been married 20 years and really have

reached the point where I would be ready to get divorced except for worry about the impact on my boy.

To give a little more perspective, my son is adopted and, yet, in her rages she will sometimes either fantaszie or outright

threaten to run away.  I can see in his heart there is nothing he fears more than abandoment (he really feels a loss in not

knowing his birth mother) yet she pulls these types of stunts. 

Luckily my boy is usually the good object and I the bad when she rages, but she will at times rage at him over

relatively minor stuff.  I just don't know how the equation changes if I leave the house.  My wife's bad object was

her Dad for many years before he died, but once he did she would frequently go into the rages against her Mom, so it is pretty

unpredictable.  Right now, this unpredicability about the impact on my son is what is keeping me in the house.

Daddies of children with borderline mothers,

     You need to understand how vital you are to us. Our mommies don't exist. Not anymore, or maybe they never have. Either way, they'be been replaced by the Queens and Warfs that say just beneath the surface. Just beneath the face that society sees. We live in a familial hell, sheltered by the outward perceptions of a happy home. No one sees the chains she binds us with, therefore no one can free us. but you see. You deal with it even now. The guilt trips, the lies. "You're lucky to have her. You're lukcy she bothers with you because you're not even worth her time."

     We know we're not always worth it either. But then again, why would we be? She isn't, and we're just projections, sometimes of the most hated parts of her. We're ungrateful. She's a good mother. We have no right to say any different. We learn to hide. We hide everything,, thoughts, feelings treasured belongings; because at any time, they could be taken away, or broken, or used against us.

     We learn to be mini therapists, crisis centers even. Many of us have been required to call an ambulance when we find the remnents of our mothers's suicide attempt. We know at twelve that she tried to kill herself when she was our age.

    We're the most hated parts of her some days and her pride and joy the next. Some days she degrades us, some days she cuddles with us and loves us. Things seem normal. Some days it's our job to take care of her when she's too drunk or high to do it herself. She calls us from our friends or beds to keep her company. We keep secrets for her, lie for her even. We want so badly to get away, but we can't stand the thought of leaving her alone. Our voices are silent, we have no escape. DEFACS can't help, how could they? There isn't any outward issue. Everything is perfect from the outside. She is a master of deceit. Daddies, you're our last hope at innocence, survival and happiness.



It's not done yet, I'm not quite sure what to add though. any input would be nice.

[Buffie]

Wow! What a beautiful post... .I read it and was moved.  I have D17 and D15, and I often feel that I am the last refuge of sanity in their lives.  UBPDmom makes up things about them, paints them in a bad light, projects all kinds of stuff on them.  They are making it through the fire... .a little singed at times, a little smoky, but they are learning about themselves... .they are learning to love me as I dearly love them.

So to write this, you must have had a dad with the same heart.  A dad that held your precious life in his hands to keep you away, as much as he could, from the caustic affects of a BPD mom.  You write very well, and you're in touch with your feelings.  These are difficult things to have gone through, senseless and wanton waste of wonderful years of a child's life.  She gave those up, she treated you poorly, not because of you, but because she had an illness.  She did not know how priceless your life was/is, how precious your hopes and dreams are, how much meaning you bring to the world.  She gave those things up because she did not know how to emotionally connect.

I wish you every good thing as you move into new areas of your life, as you make friends that are able to reflect your true worth.  To people that accept you into their lives and weave you into the fabric of who they are... .a unique member that's part of a larger group, with acceptance.  I pray that people would surround your life, people that understand your true value, the beautiful, wonderful person you were meant to be, someone that is loved and appreciated.  And I also wish, for you, people around you that encourage you to keep climbing, keep moving forward, people that tell you that you are able, that you are highly capable.

You're a dear one... .thank you for starting this wonderful thread.  All the best to you!  Buff

[Shane Preston]

frtbt2,

Thanks for your post. As the father of a beautiful 3 yr old daughter, that was just the sort of thing I needed to hear as I struggle through the courts with her mother fighting for custody and access.

Hearing your perspective gives me strength, & I'm glad you are doing so well now.

Shane

[LionDreamer]

You are an exquisite writer.  Do you journal?  Write fiction/ non-fiction stories?   If not, I'd encourage.  It could take you to some amazing places.  And with your beautiful heart-breaking ability to express truth, you can touch many, if not just yourself.  You can even write letters to your sister. 

You are a beautiful and precious soul, I am so delighted you have stepped away from suicide and self-destruction. 

LD

[ron7127]

I wish I had the resources to fight for custody of my three daughters. My XW is undiagnosed and will not communicate with me, as I discovered her affairs and told her family about them.

Unfortunately, my 10 years with her left me almost broke, despite working one full time amd two part time jobs in an effort to keep up with her spending. My attorney told me I would need to spend 20-30,000 to fight for custody and I would have very little chance of prevailing, as she was a SAHM and is undiagnosed.

MY girls do love her, but I can already see signs that her behaviors are upsetting them. She brought her affair partner into their house right away, although it only lasted about a year before she was done with him.

She has been arrested in front of the kids for failure to make her court appearance on driving charges. She has had her power turned off twice for failur to pay the bill,. Thye were without electricity for five weeks at one point.

I called child protection and was informed that no electricity duiring the warm months did not constitute neglect.

Bottom line is that I stay in contact with my girls every day. I drive my youngest to school and do a fair amount of cheuffering on days I am not supposed to have custody, as their mom has no drivers license anymore.

I have dug out finanacially,and will soon have my own home with space for the girls if they want to leave their mom. Soon, they will be old enough that the court will listen to them if they choose to live with me.

[DreamGirl]

What an inspiration you are.

Your post and your ability to express yourself so beautifully made my eyes well up... .and ultimately spill over when you later share an act of courage, letting go of what you felt weighed you down and taking the wheel in finding the path to your own happiness... .knowing that you could find refuge with a dad who loves you so much.  

I watch my oldest SD12 really question what defines a mother's love... .but feel so safe in her dad's.

Your story helps bring a little peace to the worry that I carry around as a constant when it comes to my husband's little girls.

I hope you are so proud of yourself.  I don't even know you and I feel pride in my heart... . 

~DreamGirl

[david]

Thank you,

It just confirms what I have been feeling for our S11 and S6. I can't put it in words as well as you though but I hear you.

[frtbt2]

You are an exquisite writer.  Do you journal?  Write fiction/ non-fiction stories?   If not, I'd encourage.  It could take you to some amazing places.  And with your beautiful heart-breaking ability to express truth, you can touch many, if not just yourself.  You can even write letters to your sister. 

You are a beautiful and precious soul, I am so delighted you have stepped away from suicide and self-destruction. 

LD

Thank you, and yes I journal ALL THE TIME, and I have since I was 12. I do occasionally write letters to my youngest sister because I can imagine she feels abandoned by me (which pains me more than I can put into words) at one point though, the momster with come out with her too, and she'll understand, and I have a notebook of letters waiting for her for that day.

[4.my.kids]

frtbt2, you are an absolute treasure, and deserve all the love you find in the world. Bless your fighting spirit, and the compassion that comes through in your writing. Journalling is a private island that no-one can disturb you on... .enjoy the sea breezes and peace when you're there...

[Buffie]

Here's a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, "Cinderella" about a dad's heart:

Verse 1:

She spins and she sways

To whatever song plays

Without a care in the world

And I'm sitting here wearing

The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day

And there's still work to do

She's pulling at me

Saying ":)ad I need you!

There's a ball at the castle

And I've been invited

And I need to practice my dancing

Oh please, Daddy, please!"

Chorus:

So I will dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh I will dance with Cinderella

I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight

And she'll be gone

Verse 2:

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed

She wants to know if I approve of her dress

She says, ":)ad the prom is just one week away

And I need to practice my dancin'

Oh please, Daddy, please!"

Chorus:

So I will dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh I will dance with Cinderella

I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight

And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Verse 3:

But she came home today with a ring on her hand

Just glowin' and tellin' us all they had planned

She says, ":)ad the wedding's still six months away but I need to practice my dancin'

Oh please, Daddy, please!"

Chorus:

So I will dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh I will dance with Cinderella

I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight

And she'll be gone

[JustSaying]

This disorder is so new to me. Four days ago I assumed the drama was just normal abnormal family dynamics. A professional helped to put a name to it, and the flow of information has left me a bit numb. The opening post broke the dam and brought tears. I'm the daddy of a child with (probably) a borderline mother. I so badly want D12 to not feel the pain the OP describes. She's the innocent one in all this, and my prime motivation now is to help her find her way through this without suffering its effects. A post like the one starting this thread brings home the stakes involved in a way that no clinician can, so thanks frtbt2 for giving a voice to the children.

[Scott828]

Frtbt2, a very piognant and insightful post, also good to see things are moving forward in a positive direction for you now.

I am a father of 5yo boy, who is right in the middle, of what you describe, authorities seem oblivious, my son definitely knows things are not right and has been rebelling for last two years. Momster alternating between adulation to devaluation.

I have grown sick of her behaviour and instructed court action, I am three months in. I have formulated a technique to unmask this "vile" situation. Currently it is working and heading in the right direction, but not quickly enough.

Your post has given me great strength, as I often wonder what my son is thinking about the whole sorry mess.

You deserve all the happiness in the world.

[Chicken Soup]

Thanks for the post.

I am the father of three sons, ages 15, 12 and 10.

Today, my 10 year old asked me if I loved mom.  I said "I try." 

He asked me again if I loved mom. 

I again said "I try."

Chicken Soup

[contango]

Thank you for the post. I will echo what the others wrote and say that I am the father of a 3y/o boy and I spend all of my time with him when not at work. I pray that it is enough enough to make up for my wifes inability to be a stable parent.

[tiredhusbandfather]

So sorry to hear you had to go through this.  My children are about the age when you first realized something wasn't right.  They too, now are realizing things aren't right with mom.  Your post has provided me with extra encouragement to stay and be the strong, gentle, loving father they need in their lives.   Sometimes we all need a sign from God that we are doing the right thing.   As I am constantly feeling tired and questioning what is best for my children, you have provided that sign to me that what is best for my children is for me to stay and be the steady hand they need, somebody they can talk to and confide in, somebody to teach them and let them learn.

Thank you and peace to you.

[frtbt2]

Standing up and being there for your kids is never the wrong choice. Any source of validation could be the little bit they need to allow them to function normally and get help for when they are adults.

[Breakingfree9]

Thank you so much for this post.

Today was a terrible day with uBPDxw. She raged at me for 25 minutes about what an awful person I am. She screamed at me. She cussed. She called me a f'n a-hole. She changed the plan I had to take D5 to an amusement park for Spring Break (within her right because it is her year for Spring Break). And she did all this because I told her, "No".

She did all of this in her small, three bedroom home, so I am sure D5 could hear her.

Sometimes I just want to fade away. It is posts like this that help bring me back and give me strength to be there for D5. It's an awesome responsibility for us Daddies.

Thank you for giving me strength.

[fsoduck]

Un Bel Di

by Gerald Locklin

Because my daughter's eighth-grade teachers

Are having what is called an "in-service day,"

Which means, in fact, an out-of-service day,

She is spending this Friday home with me,

So I get up in time to take us,

On this summery day in March,

For a light lunch at a legendary café

Near the Yacht Marina.

Then we feed some ducks before catching

The cheap early-bird showing of

My Cousin Vinny, at which we share a

Dessert of a box of Milk Duds large

Enough to last us the entire show.

Afterwards we drive to a shoe-store to

Get her the Birkenstocks she's been coveting,

But they're out of her size in green; we leave

An order and stop for dinner at Norm Calvin's

Texas-style hole-in-the-wall barbeque rib factory.

When we get home I am smart enough

To downplay to my wife what a good day

We have had on our own. Later, saying

Goodnight to my little girl,

Already much taller than her mother,

I say, "days like today are the favorite

Days of my life," and she knows

It is true.

"Un Bel Di" by Gerald Locklin, from Gerald Locklin: New and Selected Poems. © World Parade Books, 2008 . Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

[acd]

What a beautiful post.

My daughter, 15, is struggling with the same issues.  Her dBPD mom ( a wonderful, respected cardiologist!) was arrested for assault on her nearly two years ago.  Because she was so outwardly "respected," I couldn't get sole custody. But ultimately she was able to move 300 miles away to go to boarding school near my home, where she has been for two months.  But her mother isn't making any effort to see our daughter (she is now on spring break for 3 weeks, and her mother hasn't even asked to see her during this time), and I can see the pain in my daughter's voice.  You articulated it perfectly.  Many thanks.  I have to be the best Daddy during this time!

[frtbt2]

It is tough be rejected by your mother, mine shows no interest in any of my things, but I promise you the pain of rejection is nothing like the pain she could be feeling if she were living with her. I give best wishes to your daughter, keep doing what you're doing. We really do appreciate it.