To the daddies of children with a Borderline mother.

[Rich]

frtbt2,

Thanks you for those heartfelt emotions.  I coparent with a borderline mother.  I am divorced from her.  My daughter is 15 and is the light of my life.  She is and has been the best gift God has given me since the day she was born.  I don't ask her what goes on at Mom's and if I say something unkind about her mother, she defends her and fusses at me.  I try and play the high road.  I wonde often what goes on in her mind though.   I have fought for my time with her.  I am dating no one and no one lives in my house beside my daughter and I.  I have promised her that I will not get married before she graduates high school.  and see watches me If I scope on anybody when we're out.  and Boy do i I hear it!  But she almost breaks her neck checking out the boys!  I have to laugh.   thank you for sharing.  it reminds me for what I am fighting for. 

Be well, 

Rich

[little doggy]

Im a dad to S8 and D5. I left my XBPDw 2.5 years ago. My kids still ask me why I broke mummy's heart, why cant I come home, why cant I be married. They say they dont love me, they love mummy more, they dont enjoy coming over to my house, they like mummy's house more. They tell me they have to have a bath when then return home from my visit to wash off the germs from my new partner. Their words are echoes from their mum. I know that because their time with me is wonderful. I see them laugh and smile and play like happy children. But its still very difficult. I know I may be their respite in their world of distress and craziness. But for those daddies out there, who know how important and vital they are for their kids, how do you cope and deal with the hurtful words and actions that are merely echoed from the BPD. How do you stop it/ deal with it when you know its not really the kids talking.

[frtbt2]

well, little doggy, I am obviously not the daddy of children with a BPDm, however, I know my dad just kind of gave me space, he always told me he loved me and I was always welcome (and felt welcome) at his house. He knew that one day I would see the issues, but he didn't take away the idea that mommy is everything because, at that age, she should be. When things started getting bad, he was there at any point in time that I needed him or needed to vent. He came and picked us up late at night when my mother went into a rage. He was in the shadows for a while, but I always knew he was there, and I always knew I could go to him at any time. When you're as young as your children are, mommy is everything. Even if you have a daddy, it could never be as good as mommy. Of course every child is different, but be there for them, make sure they know that they are loved and you are there ANY time they need you. In time, they'll come to see.

As far as your own coping, you know that they are just mimicking, you see them have fun with you during your time together, I suppose you just have to hold on to that faith.

[kyberjay]

Wow- Thank you so much-  This post was exactly what I have been needing to hear all week-  I posted "boiling down" where I stated that the hardest thing about this whole thing is that no one outside closest circle really knows... .So it's sometimes a little hard to maintain the resolve and endurance I need.  I have three d's - God how I love them. and I'm fighting for them-

[ProfDaddy]

frbt2,

Thanks for sharing your feelings about growing up with a BPD mother.  I am married to a BPD and a month ago asked her to leave (and she did, after much rage and drama).  A large part of my decision was to reduce her bad influence on my daughter (8) and my son (5).  They have been deeply hurt by her limited abilities to freely give of herself to them.  Many times this month I have wondered if I was being overly dramatic, if I really needed to "save them" by reducing their contact with their BPD mother.  My kids have done much better in the month we have been alone.  We work together to get things done, have playdates, sleepovers, go to the zoo, and even clean & launder.  I don't want them to suffer as you have. I'm sorry you suffered through that sort of childhood. 

Dad6145

[frtbt2]

Dad,

My daddy and I were just talking this morning about all of our stupid play dates and things. He played Barbie Race and Ride all the way through with me when I was 7 or 8, I'm now 18 and going off to college still looking back at that night. Your kids will always remember these type things. You certainly have changed their lives and aided in their emotional survival.

[Mr. M]

Daddies of children with borderline mothers,

     You need to understand how vital you are to us. Our mommies don't exist. Not anymore, or maybe they never have. Either way, they'be been replaced by the Queens and Warfs that say just beneath the surface. Just beneath the face that society sees. We live in a familial hell, sheltered by the outward perceptions of a happy home. No one sees the chains she binds us with, therefore no one can free us. but you see. You deal with it even now. The guilt trips, the lies. "You're lucky to have her. You're lukcy she bothers with you because you're not even worth her time."

     We know we're not always worth it either. But then again, why would we be? She isn't, and we're just projections, sometimes of the most hated parts of her. We're ungrateful. She's a good mother. We have no right to say any different. We learn to hide. We hide everything,, thoughts, feelings treasured belongings; because at any time, they could be taken away, or broken, or used against us.

     We learn to be mini therapists, crisis centers even. Many of us have been required to call an ambulance when we find the remnents of our mothers's suicide attempt. We know at twelve that she tried to kill herself when she was our age.

    We're the most hated parts of her some days and her pride and joy the next. Some days she degrades us, some days she cuddles with us and loves us. Things seem normal. Some days it's our job to take care of her when she's too drunk or high to do it herself. She calls us from our friends or beds to keep her company. We keep secrets for her, lie for her even. We want so badly to get away, but we can't stand the thought of leaving her alone. Our voices are silent, we have no escape. DEFACS can't help, how could they? There isn't any outward issue. Everything is perfect from the outside. She is a master of deceit. Daddies, you're our last hope at innocence, survival and happiness.



It's not done yet, I'm not quite sure what to add though. any input would be nice.

You don't have to add anything.

[Hindsight]

THANKYOU

I have not posted for alongtime!

I have been NC from my xBPDgf since feb 09, as I was sent an annonymous txt stating the unborn child had died   :'(... .although she has contacted me alot since june 09 with pics, cards, letters, voicemails n also contacted relatives n friends about the child that was apparently born in june 09!

    I didn't know what to believe as I didn't think even a BPD would make something up so awful!

So I waited n was finally contacted by the CSA (child support agency) in jan this year, I payed for a dna test more so to prove a child actually exsisted than to prove parentage... .n it came back positive n I have co-operated fully to financially support the child through the csa.

    Since the positive test came back I have soul searched n also searched the internet to find ways too explain this terrible situation to the social services, that her kids from previous relationships n now a precious new life have n will have to cope with, unless something is done!

    I thankyou sincerely as your post has, 'on it's own' answered so many doubts in my mind!

    Unless you have actually lived through BPD relationships, it truly is unbelievable  ?

    Again THANKYOU frtbt2... .also as I have said before thankyou to this site n everyone on it, you are all  s


Cheers Hindsight

[Panda39]

I wanted to bring this post to the surface because I am the SO of a lovely man who stuck with his children thru... .parental alienation, spying, false allegations of child abuse, FOG, one child's suicide threats and ptsd, and the other's belief in her mother's lies.  He has picked up his daughters over and over again after they have been let down by their uBPDmom. 

Is he a perfect man? No but he is the best father to his children that he knows how to be and he has shown them what love is.  It doesn't come with strings, it isn't withheld when you do something he doesn't like, love isn't used like a weapon.  Love is caring for them even when it's hard, love is letting them learn the hard way (sometimes), love is driving them everywhere and going to every event with no help or support from the ex, love is having sleepovers in a small 2 bedroom apartment, love is making dinner every night, love his working a job you hate so you can work from home, love is listening, validating, and problem solving... .

Love is what one dad that I know shows his daughters every single day, it's his job and he has an amazing work ethic! 

I just wanted to reinforce how valuable you nonBPD dads are to your children I have seen what my SO's love has done for his children and know that all of you dad's out there have it in you too     

I hope this thread touches you as much as it touched me.

Panda39

[Eco]

Thank you for bumping this Its been a hard week for me and I needed to hear this. sometimes I feel that I'm making no impact at all with my 2 and 1/2 yr old daughter and just spinning my wheels. My ex has a big influence over my daughter and I feel that I'm fighting a giant ( Parental alienation ) but reading this post gives me hope that what I'm doing will all add up for my daughter one day and help her with what she has to go through.

Loving and caring for my daughter is the easy part, what's hard is knowing my ex is trying to alienate me from her and the fact that my daughter has to go through that. I will always be in my daughters corner to help her in any way possible, shes to young to realize that but my hope is she will one day

[enlighten me]

My eldest sons now live with me and want nothing more to do with their mum. The hardest thing is trying to correct the learned behaviour from years with their mum. The little unnecessary lies that they told through fear of their mothers reaction are slowly abaiting.

They soon got into not doing the housework though  . Their mum got them to do everything around the house so not doing it was strange at first for them but there more than happy not doing it now. If only the other behaviours were so easily changed.

[Panda39]

Thank you for bumping this Its been a hard week for me and I needed to hear this. sometimes I feel that I'm making no impact at all with my 2 and 1/2 yr old daughter and just spinning my wheels. My ex has a big influence over my daughter and I feel that I'm fighting a giant ( Parental alienation ) but reading this post gives me hope that what I'm doing will all add up for my daughter one day and help her with what she has to go through.

Loving and caring for my daughter is the easy part, what's hard is knowing my ex is trying to alienate me from her and the fact that my daughter has to go through that. I will always be in my daughters corner to help her in any way possible, shes to young to realize that but my hope is she will one day

Eco,

You are one of the most conscientious dads I know on this site.  Keep doing what you're doing it may not always seem like it at the time but everything you do to support your daughter strengthens her.  The more you show her she is loved for who she is, the more you validate her feelings, the more time you spend with her, the times you step in and step up on her behalf, the more you give her the self esteem and tools to be resilient in the face of a BPDmom. 

Panda39

[Panda39]

My eldest sons now live with me and want nothing more to do with their mum. The hardest thing is trying to correct the learned behaviour from years with their mum. The little unnecessary lies that they told through fear of their mothers reaction are slowly abaiting.

They soon got into not doing the housework though  . Their mum got them to do everything around the house so not doing it was strange at first for them but there more than happy not doing it now. If only the other behaviours were so easily changed.

Hi enlighten me,

You know you're doing something right when your kids choose to live with you. As ForeverDad has said your kids have made the choice with their feet. You have created that alternate universe where they can be themselves, feel comfortable and safe enough to be just kids/young men. 

I know what you mean about the  we sometimes see them too with my SO's daughters though sometimes it's just normal 14 year old girl Drama! I've always thought their mom acted like a 15 year old... .drama... .poor impulse control... .dumb ideas... .just like a teenager.  The sad thing is her daughters are passing her by growing into independent young women.  My SO's daughters like your sons have chosen to live with him and it is hard work but it is also such a blessing. 

Panda39

[Eco]

Eco,

You are one of the most conscientious dads I know on this site.  Keep doing what you're doing it may not always seem like it at the time but everything you do to support your daughter strengthens her.  The more you show her she is loved for who she is, the more you validate her feelings, the more time you spend with her, the times you step in and step up on her behalf, the more you give her the self esteem and tools to be resilient in the face of a BPDmom. 

Thank you, I believe in putting the work in when no one is looking so I never look for a pat on the back but its nice to know that I'm running in the right direction

[whirlpoollife]

Eco,

You are one of the most conscientious dads I know on this site.  Keep doing what you're doing it may not always seem like it at the time but everything you do to support your daughter strengthens her.  The more you show her she is loved for who she is, the more you validate her feelings, the more time you spend with her, the times you step in and step up on her behalf, the more you give her the self esteem and tools to be resilient in the face of a BPDmom. 

Panda39

Much agreed!

[ugghh]

To the original poster.  Thank you.  As a father of three late teen, early adult kids who finally found the courage to go through with the divorce, your post brought tears to my eyes.   I still struggle with the guilt of wondering why I did not leave before, but I am so blessed to have 3 wonderful children in my life.

[AlonelyOne]

Thank you for the encouragement to us daddies.