Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 05, 2015, 04:28:32 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: To fall in love with anyone, do this read more
Moderators: DreamGirl, EaglesJuJu, lbjnltx, Kwamina, livednlearned, Mutt, Suzn, Turkish, Waverider   
Advisors: cosmonaut, maxen, Mike-X, once removed, Reforming
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
Please Welcome New Parents to our Community
Every day we have new parents joining and trying make sense of it all. Just making a single post a day to newcomers will make a huge difference in peoples lives. Look for the CD designation in your "unread posts since last visit" or go directly to the Newbie board.
277
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How do I protect my Grandchildren  (Read 2084 times)
winnie


Offline Offline

Posts: 30


« on: January 28, 2010, 01:12:08 PM »


    I need help from those here who are facing situations where they feel their Grandchildren are at risk. My 37yr old BPD daughter is in the processs of divorcing her second husband,they have filed bankruptcy and will face foreclosure in the next year. She has already moved on with someone new whom she started talking to when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. He is in Kuwait and will be coming home in February. She is planning to have her husband ( whom she forced to leave ) stay with the children while she stays at a hotel with her BF. She also wants her BF to meet the children. She encountered this person on a social networking site in May and became involved with him all the while telling her husband he was just a friend and she needed to support her "soldier". She saw him in October when everything blew up and spent every day with him for one week. He is a former meth addict and appears to have somewhat of a disturbing past. I am distraught as I do not want my grandchildren exposed to this person and they are struggling right now with the loss of their Stepfather whom she had painted as a person with anger issues. This has never been observed. My son in law told me he was never allowed to have his feelings. I feel like I need to talk to my childrens Father or even their other grandmother as I am sure she does not know. I have decided to seek counseling for myself as I am emotionally labile and need someone who understands what I am going through. I dare not bring up the issue to my BPD daughter because she would explode but I worry for my grandchildrens safety and emotional well being. They are sad and angry and have learned to adapt their own behavior with their Mother. I want to say that this site has been my salvation and I am so grateful to those of you so willing to offer your support and encouragement. It has meant everything to me.
Logged
peaceplease
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 2300



« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2010, 07:13:07 PM »

winnie,

Is the father of your grandchildren stable?  If so, then I think that he should be informed. 

And, I believe that many of us on this board receive counseling.  We need to take care of ourselves. x
Logged

Gingerb
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 176


« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2010, 07:28:58 PM »

Winnie,
    You're in a tough spot. How old are the kids? I'm in Canada and up here once a child hits about 14 they can pretty much say where they want to live. Is their father in any condition to have dual or full custody?  Some of these parents will actually jump at the opportunity to let go of the responsibility of their kids; she has a new love and might welcome others being more involved so she can pursue her own own social agenda.
     I don't know what your relationship is with the other grandmother, but I would only suggest that you confide if you think this person could truly be helpful. It would be easy for that to bomerang back at you if the other grandmother approached your daughter with your insights. Of course, if you are worried about safety, then you need to talk to the father, possibly the step father and anyone who can keep an eye on the kids and be there to strengthen the safety net. What sort of access do you have to the kids? Can you take them now and then for a day here and there?
      I have seen a counselor myself a few times and every now and then I feel like I need to bolster my esteem, or get some helpful strategies for dealing with stress. It's good idea; counselling won't be a solution to your problems but it might help you accept them. It's all about acceptance. As painful as it may be when there are wee ones involved, there will be limitations to what you can do for them. I would urge you to do what you have the power to do and not place yourself in a situation where you feel it is entirely your responsibility to worry about their well being. There are other adults involved, parents, step parents, extended family and they all need to share the load.
     I hope other people on the board can share helpful advice. Glad you made it here.
Ginger
Logged
winnie


Offline Offline

Posts: 30


« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2010, 09:50:27 PM »


  Thank you for the suggestions and encouragement. My grandchildren are gs 16,gs13 and gd 10. These children are amazingly resilient. My 16 yr old gs is feeling angry for all the losses he has had. My gd is struggling in school and I think having her Mother lean on her emotionally. I have not had contact with my BPD daughter I don't know how to talk to her. The other set of grandparents are wonderful people. I just don't know how they would respond. My daughter has full custody of her 16 year old son and shared custody of the other two. These children have many caring people in their lives. I did talk to my T yesterday I have not seen her yet. She was very kind,sympathetic and concerned. The hardest part of this for me is acceptance. I'm not even sure what I will be accepting. I don't know who my daughter is, I don't know how to talk to her anymore. Her older sister has detached and her younger sister doesn't know what kind of relationship she can have with her either. My T did tell me that sometimes borderlines get better. I am not very hopeful. MY BPD daughter has already told me her new boyfriend would like to have children with her. I guess I don't have a choice but to inform the childrens father and other grandparents.One good thing is that her boyfriend will not be home again for two years. I'm not sure she can wait that out. I think in the USA the age is 16 for children to decide who they want to live with. It may come up in the next year. I think the father could decide to pursue custody but from what I have read it isn't usually successful. I wiill have to see how this plays out in the next month.
Logged
Gingerb
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 176


« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2010, 06:54:29 AM »

Winnie,
There are some good things here. One is tat the oldest is 16. He will soon have the ability to frame his own destiny and if his father is supportive that is great. Even if he just has dual custody that will mean a lot to a boy that age. I would be very surprised if all of the children didn't suffer from anger at some point in their lives. The other good thing is that the two younger ones are a bit of a unit. They will travel from home to home together and they will take strength from each other. That's really huge. It's also wonderful that you find the extended family to be good people. At the very least they will be there for the kids. I really don't know what to advise in terms of letting them in on your concerns about your daughter's mental health, perhaps others here will have a suggestion. IT is good to know that if some sort of crisis emerges you trust and like them enough that you could ask for help. Best of all, you are attending to your own health. Seeing a T is great right now.
Ginger
Logged
2015 Financial Sponsors
Thank you. We are all appreciative of the thoughtful and responsible men and women who provide the support, education, and brotherhood to keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in the lives and families of many. To all, thank you for this wonderful resource.
1989
123Phoebe
4kidz
A maze
Achaya
Adelheid
adventurer
aeoma
alf
All4BVM
antifragile
arlers
Aurelius
Aurora7
Aussie JJ
Aussieman
Avi
babyducks
BatMasterson
beatup
Being Mindful
Bhodidharma
billypilgrim
BlackandBlue
blissful_camper
bluetooth
bobbyvp
Bookworm77
Boss302
bpdfamfan
bpdRelife
CalledaPerson
captain4464
Carebearx2m
careman
Cat Familiar
catclaw
catnap
caughtnreleased
cehlers55
Change2014
chooselove
Chosen
chump
claudiaduffy
cleotokos
clydegriffith
Cmjo
cobwebfaery
ColdEthyl
confusedwoman
Conundrum
CookieMom
corraline
coworkerfriend
Cumulus
DearBFF
Dibdob59
Dire Wolf
doubleAries
downwhim
draptemp
drummerboy
Dutched
DyingLove
easternmom
Elpis
Emelie Emelie
emoinferno
enlighten me
Ex_CB_Partner
F150
FannyB

findingmyselfagain
flowerpath
foggydew
ForeverDad
forget-me-not
Frankcostello
Free2Bee
freedom33
friskey
fromheeltoheal
Gagrl
GeekyGirl
gettin-unstuck
gfish
gloveman
Grey Kitty
gsm42
half-life
HappyChappy
HappyNihilist
harnettr
Harri
Heartandsole
heartandwhole
Heldfast
Heshie
hithere
Hope26
hope2727
howcanI?
imataloss
In Pain
inkling16
Inside
Intent_to_learn
Irish Pride
janpiet
Japeslee
jaynebrain
jellibeans
Jessica84
jjclark
Johnjm
joolz29
Josie C
joyjoyjoy
JRT
jthorpejr
JulesC
juner
kaer
kappa
kc sunshine
Keep
KeepOnGoing
kelti1972
kidsteele
kj1234
KQuestionsItAll
Kwamina
landj
landofoz
Learning Fast
Leelou
lemon flower
lever
Linda Maria
lipstick
llor
lm911
Lmls
Love Is Not Enough
Loveisfree
lovenature
Loveofhislife
Lucky One
madmom
maid
malibu4x
MammaMia
maric
mdg2101
Mel1968
mercurious
Mercury2Pluto
mggt
michel71
Mike76
mitatsu
Mom919
momtara
Mono No Aware:
Mr Hollande
Mutt
NeedHelpPls
newlifeBPDfree
NewWays
nochangeinsight
NorthernGirl
oblivian2013
oceaneyes
Olivia_D
outside9x
overcomer
P.F.Change
Panda39
paperlung
patientandclear
Patty
picturelady
Pingo
PinkieV
Pou
Progress Not Perfection
propunchingbag
qcarolr
qkslvrgirl
Rapt Reader
raytamtay3
really???
Recooperating
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
rickdeckard
Ridingthewaves
Rifka
rollercoaster24
Ross O
sanemom
Saro
Scarlet Phoenix
schwing
SCM
sdyakca
seahorse
SES
ShaSha
Sheed
simpleman
sirius
Skip
SlyQQ
Soulslider
Southern_Belle
SpringInMyStep
Sshilli
SSJ0603
stargazer3
StayOrLeave15
stupafly
Sunfl0wer
Surg_Bear
Surnia
suz124w
swampped
sweetheart
swiftkick
Take2
Tamara96
Tansy
Targeted
Theo41
thereishope
Tiepje3
toomanytears
trappedinlove
tryingtohelp
trytrytry
Turkish
tuum est61
twojaybirds
ugghh
Up In the Air
vbor
Vindi
vre
waverider
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
White_Lily
WindReader
winston72
Witchway
worn_out
Yaffle
yeeter
zaqsert
zenwexler

Pay it forward Here

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Top Spacer
images/mb/panel_parenting1.jpgimages/mb/panel_parenting2.jpg
index.php?topic=114267.msg1125531#msg1125531index.php?topic=114267.msg1125530#msg1125530index.php?topic=114267.msg1125528#msg1125528index.php?topic=114267.msg1125526#msg1125526index.php?topic=114267.msg1125525#msg1125525
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2015, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!