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Think About It... Some members think of "triangulation" as a dysfunctional behavior perpetrated on them by a person with BPD. And why not - this is how we often see triangles when we are in them and the '"odd man out"! However, seeing it this way is exactly the opposite of what we want to do to end the drama.. ~ Skippy
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Author Topic: How do I protect my Grandchildren  (Read 1970 times)
winnie

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« on: January 28, 2010, 01:12:08 PM »


    I need help from those here who are facing situations where they feel their Grandchildren are at risk. My 37yr old BPD daughter is in the processs of divorcing her second husband,they have filed bankruptcy and will face foreclosure in the next year. She has already moved on with someone new whom she started talking to when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. He is in Kuwait and will be coming home in February. She is planning to have her husband ( whom she forced to leave ) stay with the children while she stays at a hotel with her BF. She also wants her BF to meet the children. She encountered this person on a social networking site in May and became involved with him all the while telling her husband he was just a friend and she needed to support her "soldier". She saw him in October when everything blew up and spent every day with him for one week. He is a former meth addict and appears to have somewhat of a disturbing past. I am distraught as I do not want my grandchildren exposed to this person and they are struggling right now with the loss of their Stepfather whom she had painted as a person with anger issues. This has never been observed. My son in law told me he was never allowed to have his feelings. I feel like I need to talk to my childrens Father or even their other grandmother as I am sure she does not know. I have decided to seek counseling for myself as I am emotionally labile and need someone who understands what I am going through. I dare not bring up the issue to my BPD daughter because she would explode but I worry for my grandchildrens safety and emotional well being. They are sad and angry and have learned to adapt their own behavior with their Mother. I want to say that this site has been my salvation and I am so grateful to those of you so willing to offer your support and encouragement. It has meant everything to me.
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peaceplease
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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2010, 07:13:07 PM »

winnie,

Is the father of your grandchildren stable?  If so, then I think that he should be informed. 

And, I believe that many of us on this board receive counseling.  We need to take care of ourselves. x
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Gingerb
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2010, 07:28:58 PM »

Winnie,
    You're in a tough spot. How old are the kids? I'm in Canada and up here once a child hits about 14 they can pretty much say where they want to live. Is their father in any condition to have dual or full custody?  Some of these parents will actually jump at the opportunity to let go of the responsibility of their kids; she has a new love and might welcome others being more involved so she can pursue her own own social agenda.
     I don't know what your relationship is with the other grandmother, but I would only suggest that you confide if you think this person could truly be helpful. It would be easy for that to bomerang back at you if the other grandmother approached your daughter with your insights. Of course, if you are worried about safety, then you need to talk to the father, possibly the step father and anyone who can keep an eye on the kids and be there to strengthen the safety net. What sort of access do you have to the kids? Can you take them now and then for a day here and there?
      I have seen a counselor myself a few times and every now and then I feel like I need to bolster my esteem, or get some helpful strategies for dealing with stress. It's good idea; counselling won't be a solution to your problems but it might help you accept them. It's all about acceptance. As painful as it may be when there are wee ones involved, there will be limitations to what you can do for them. I would urge you to do what you have the power to do and not place yourself in a situation where you feel it is entirely your responsibility to worry about their well being. There are other adults involved, parents, step parents, extended family and they all need to share the load.
     I hope other people on the board can share helpful advice. Glad you made it here.
Ginger
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winnie

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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2010, 09:50:27 PM »


  Thank you for the suggestions and encouragement. My grandchildren are gs 16,gs13 and gd 10. These children are amazingly resilient. My 16 yr old gs is feeling angry for all the losses he has had. My gd is struggling in school and I think having her Mother lean on her emotionally. I have not had contact with my BPD daughter I don't know how to talk to her. The other set of grandparents are wonderful people. I just don't know how they would respond. My daughter has full custody of her 16 year old son and shared custody of the other two. These children have many caring people in their lives. I did talk to my T yesterday I have not seen her yet. She was very kind,sympathetic and concerned. The hardest part of this for me is acceptance. I'm not even sure what I will be accepting. I don't know who my daughter is, I don't know how to talk to her anymore. Her older sister has detached and her younger sister doesn't know what kind of relationship she can have with her either. My T did tell me that sometimes borderlines get better. I am not very hopeful. MY BPD daughter has already told me her new boyfriend would like to have children with her. I guess I don't have a choice but to inform the childrens father and other grandparents.One good thing is that her boyfriend will not be home again for two years. I'm not sure she can wait that out. I think in the USA the age is 16 for children to decide who they want to live with. It may come up in the next year. I think the father could decide to pursue custody but from what I have read it isn't usually successful. I wiill have to see how this plays out in the next month.
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Gingerb
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2010, 06:54:29 AM »

Winnie,
There are some good things here. One is tat the oldest is 16. He will soon have the ability to frame his own destiny and if his father is supportive that is great. Even if he just has dual custody that will mean a lot to a boy that age. I would be very surprised if all of the children didn't suffer from anger at some point in their lives. The other good thing is that the two younger ones are a bit of a unit. They will travel from home to home together and they will take strength from each other. That's really huge. It's also wonderful that you find the extended family to be good people. At the very least they will be there for the kids. I really don't know what to advise in terms of letting them in on your concerns about your daughter's mental health, perhaps others here will have a suggestion. IT is good to know that if some sort of crisis emerges you trust and like them enough that you could ask for help. Best of all, you are attending to your own health. Seeing a T is great right now.
Ginger
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