PERSPECTIVES: Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

[blackandwhite]

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Our possible attachments to our BPD parent(s) are many. They include the obvious ones, such as love, obligation, fear, guilt, habit, hurt, financial and other sorts of dependency, pity, affection, and more. But they also include ones that are not so obvious, such as anger and hope. Anger at the abuse a BPD parent inflicted on us and the self-centered parenting many of us endured is natural and part of the process of recovery. Hope that our parent will change and become the mother or father we have longed for is deeply woven through us. We may not realize how much hope and anger we're holding on to and how those attachments may be holding back our own recovery. Ironically, it keeps us attached to our past and in some cases, to our parent.

This workshop explores the idea of acceptance and the different meanings and related emotions to those raised in an abusive environment. Acceptance may anger, frighten, or free you. How you choose to regard and/or act is very personal.

This workshop supports Step 18 of the Survivors' Guide found in the right hand panel at Healing from a Relationship with a Parent, Relative, or InLaw with BPD. Here is a summary of that step:

HEALING (Step 18)
This step involves making a decision about resolving the issues left over from your childhood abuse with those who abused you and/or failed to protect you: your parents/abusers. The important task in this step is to resolve the abuse with your family in a way that is acceptable to you. You have the right to choose how to do this. It is not mandatory to confront your parents, family or abusers, although many survivors find confrontation valuable. However, you want to maintain a relationship with your parents/abusers without hiding your recovery efforts or denying your new identity as a recovered survivor, you probably will need to do something. And, if there is to be a continuing relationship, your parents/abusers will need to accept you as you now desire to be accepted: with respect, consideration and acknowledgement of the burdens you have overcome.

You must remember that, because you are dealing with people who may never have faced or changed their own abusive behavior, the degree of resolution will depend on the extent to which they can acknowledge the abuse. For this reason, there is a wide range of possible resolutions which, ultimately, will determine whether you can still have some kind of relationship with your parents/ abusers. If you decide to confront them, it is critical that you go into it fully prepared for whatever responses or consequences follow. If they do not want to hear your experience or accept the person you are becoming, then you must face the question of whether ongoing contact will be healthy for you.

This step presents the big issue of whether to forgive your parents/abusers. In a sense, resolving the abuse means coming to terms with what was done to you and accepting the feelings you have toward the people that did it. For some people this means forgiveness, but not necessarily for you. Those who were very sadistically and severely abused may never be able to forgive their parents/abusers. Accepting that the abuse occurred and putting it all behind you once and for all may be the only resolution that makes sense and feels right. Deciding whether to forgive or accept is your choice and no one else's.

[PDQuick]

In the middle of a field, there is a lake of water.

A woman comes to the lake and takes a bucket to take back to water her garden, so she and her family have food to eat.

Another woman frantically comes to take a bucket, to extinguish a fire that is destroying her home.

Yet another woman comes and takes a bucket to wash her clothes, so that she is clean and more sanitary, keeping the threat of disease away.

Another woman comes to the lake, parched with thirst, and takes a drink, saving herself from dehydration.

Another woman, depressed, walks into the lake and drowns.

What are the intentions of this lake? Is it to nourish, extinguish, cleanse, provide life, or take it away?  None are the intentions of the lake. The lake simply is. It is the intent of the user that matters. The lake has capabilities, and limits. It has many potentials.

A person that has lost a loved one to drowning is scared of the lake. The person that utilizes the water for their crops worships the lake. The essential key to understanding the water, is to understand the intentions of the people who use it. Respect for it includes a fear for its negative aspects, and a praise for its positive ones. Learning to use the water for what you need it for, within its capabilities, and not depending on it to do things outside of its potential is the key for a successful relationship with it.

[somethings gotta give]

Learning to use the water for what you need it for, within its capabilities, and not depending on it to do things outside of its potential is the key for a successful relationship with it.
 

I think that I get this.

I have surrendered any expectation of being mothered by my ubpdm the way I’ve wanted or needed. I don’t fully understand what my intentions are in choosing to maintain contact with her. I’m on guard for dangers inherent with ongoing contact with her and I try to manage MY behaviour so that I don’t act in a way that I’ll hurt by her, no matter what she does.  I cannot see many positive characteristics in my mother! However, recently, I’ve developed some empathy for her and how she was parented by my likely ubpd grandmother. As long as I remain within my boundaries in my relationship with her...limiting my conversations with her to when I’m at my strongest, discussing only safe topics, forgiving myself when no matter what I say or do triggers her, and keeping open communications with my healthy extended FOO so that we’re not hoodwinked by her, I’m ok. If this is close to acceptance or forgiveness, the key for me has been finally accepting that MY MOTHER IS MENTALLY ILL and not expecting, from her,  illness-acknowledgement, willingness to take responsibility, change/improvement, or apologies.

As I’m typing, I’m just realizing why I maintain contact with her. Somewhere deep down, I think that I still believe that she has love, on her terms, for me. The love is CERTAINLY not on my terms, but it’s all she’s capable of providing, all she knows how to do. Hope I can remember all this the next time I’m in the middle of one of her crazy tirades.

If this is not acceptance, what steps do I need to take to get there?

I need to add that I am not excusing her behaviour.  Ultimately, her behaviour IS her responsibility.  It's just that I no longer expect her to change.  I've given up. I will deal with her the way she is.

[blackandwhite]

If this is not acceptance, what steps do I need to take to get there?

Gosh what a great question. I don't know the answer, but some thoughts...

Acceptance for me is both intellectual and emotional. There are probably many, many ways to define acceptance. Here's good old wikipedia:

Acceptance usually refers to cases where a person experiences a situation or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. The term is used in spirituality, in Eastern religious concepts such as Buddhist mindfulness, and in human psychology. Religions and psychological treatments often suggest the path of acceptance when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.

For me, applying to a parent with BPD, "not trying to change, protest, or exit" means not trying to change the person with BPD. Drawing from personal experience, I had no power to change this (disliked and unchangeable  ) circumstance. There's lots I can change that's in my power, including level of contact, the strictness of boundaries, and my own behavior.

You said:

If this is close to acceptance or forgiveness, the key for me has been finally accepting that MY MOTHER IS MENTALLY ILL and not expecting, from her,  illness-acknowledgement, willingness to take responsibility, change/improvement, or apologies.

That sounds like the intellectual part--a realization of what you can rationally expect.

As I’m typing, I’m just realizing why I maintain contact with her. Somewhere deep down, I think that I still believe that she has love, on her terms, for me. The love is CERTAINLY not on my terms, but it’s all she’s capable of providing, all she knows how to do. Hope I can remember all this the next time I’m in the middle of one of her crazy tirades.

That sounds like the emotional part. There's some value in the relationship for you, with full realization of the limits.

B&W

[schwing]

I have surrendered any expectation of being mothered by my ubpdm the way I’ve wanted or needed.

It is one thing to realize this intellectually.  It is a whole 'nother thing to realize this emotionally.  Just because you no longer expect her to be the mother you've always wanted or needed, doesn't mean you suddenly stop having those wants and needs.  In fact, until you work out a new way to meet your wants and needs (ie, take care of yourself) you might still feel the occasional draw to ubpdm.

I don’t fully understand what my intentions are in choosing to maintain contact with her.  

It could be a lot of things.  It could be the extended family that she might try to rip away from you if you should cut her off.  It could be the distortion campaign that at least unconsciously you might be anticipating (technically this is Fear from F.O.G.).

I’m on guard for dangers inherent with ongoing contact with her and I try to manage MY behaviour so that I don’t act in a way that I’ll hurt by her, no matter what she does.

That is a challenging choice.  As long as you know who you are dancing with.  In my experience, distance and formality are your best allies.

However, recently, I’ve developed some empathy for her and how she was parented by my likely ubpd grandmother. As long as I remain within my boundaries in my relationship with her...limiting my conversations with her to when I’m at my strongest, discussing only safe topics, forgiving myself when no matter what I say or do triggers her, and keeping open communications with my healthy extended FOO so that we’re not hoodwinked by her, I’m ok.

Just pay attention to how much effort and energy you are spending to maintain your boundaries.  Make sure you are replenishing yourself through your own self maintenance.  Keep it mind that it is when we feel the strongest and happiest that the deepest habits and unconscious behaviors may surface.  Beware of self-sabotage.

If this is close to acceptance or forgiveness, the key for me has been finally accepting that MY MOTHER IS MENTALLY ILL and not expecting, from her,  illness-acknowledgement, willingness to take responsibility, change/improvement, or apologies.

Bingo.  She has her choices.  You have yours.

As I’m typing, I’m just realizing why I maintain contact with her. Somewhere deep down, I think that I still believe that she has love, on her terms, for me. The love is CERTAINLY not on my terms, but it’s all she’s capable of providing, all she knows how to do. Hope I can remember all this the next time I’m in the middle of one of her crazy tirades.

I think she probably does.  Just realize that her disorder has limited her development of how she can express "love."  She may not be able to do it outside of her own emotional needs (ie, self-sacrifice, doing what is right even though it is hard, etc...).  And it is terribly difficult to unravel your own innate expectations as her offspring, from what you intellectually understand of she is or is not capable of doing.

If this is not acceptance, what steps do I need to take to get there?

Hmmm... time and practice.  And lots of taking care of yourself.  You might consider looking at the "Survivors Guide" over on the right side of your browser.

I need to add that I am not excusing her behaviour.  Ultimately, her behaviour IS her responsibility.  It's just that I no longer expect her to change.  I've given up. I will deal with her the way she is.

I think that is the most healthy position you can take for yourself.

Best wishes, Schwing

[PDQuick]

I am not technically trained in all of the steps of recovery, I just kinda write from the hip. I came up with this while I was having my coffee this morning to demonstrate the difference between intent, and utilization.

You see, our mothers, much like that of the water, have many different capacities, and capabilities. These range from great things, to dreadful things. We cannot judge the intent of them, in either case. Their design and their intent are not for us to judge, but their characteristics are. It is up to us to utilize these characteristics in ways that they can be used, instead of wishing them different. Lets start off by talking about judging the intent.

When we judge the intent of something, it really is a crap shoot. We have all seen things or hear things that we judge, only to find out different from others. I am reminded of a story I hear years ago about a woman walking out to her mailbox and hearing a car screech. She turned to see a man who had just run over a cat. She then viewed him get back into his car and back over the cat once again. He then sped off. She thought he was a cold, callous killer. She called the police. Upon investigation, it turns out that it was the mans cat, whom he loved. He had just gotten a call from his wife, who had been in a terrible car wreck, and was being transported to the hospital. In his haste to get to her, he backed out of his driveway, and hit his beloved cat. Upon seeing his cat mortally wounded, but not dead, he decided the most humane thing to do was to put his kitty out of her misery. Then, devastated by the loss of his cat, he left to deal with his wife's situation.

Another example has played out thousands of times in the country of Haiti recently. People have brought their loved ones to make shift hospitals, only to find the doctors look them over, and then not help them. The family judges the doctors as selfish, lazy, or not caring, but the doctors decided that there was no way to help them, and their attention would be best suited elsewhere. Better to save a few that could be saved, than try to save one, eventually losing them, and the others they could have helped.

So judging intent is really a crap shoot. Also, if we judge the intent in a harmful way, the only one that it hurts is ourselves. We are the ones that suffer from a judgement that exists in our minds. We continue to victimize ourselves. We end up hurting ourselves much more than the action that we are judging.

The solution is to not judge the intent, or, if we have to do, we do so in a way that allows ourselves to release the pain and anger. We owe it to ourselves to protect ourselves from self inflicted pain based on nothing but speculation. We sometimes, are our own worst enemies.

Next up is our expectations of "the water". I lived 23 years with my mother. Yes I had problems, and yes, she probably was disordered. I have not judged her in this way. I went from her home, into a home with my ex N/BPDgf. She was bad from the start of our relationship. Here is the synchronizing factor, I was with her, because it felt so normal and comfortable to me to be in that type of relationship, because of what I had lived with  in my parents house. It wasn't until I tried for 13 years to have an adult, intimate relationship with this woman, that I reached my mental and physical limit. During this timeframe, I wanted things from her that she was unable to give me. I demanded, tried to manipulate, tried to change and argued with her to get what I wanted. Much like those here do with their mothers. The one thing I didn't do, was accept who she was, what her limits were, and how her behavior was.

This works with anyone, but is especially dramatic when tried with disordered people. If you want something, you owe it to yourself to find it. You have to take what is in front of you, and work within its capacity. We can't demand something from someone who isn't capable, and has shown us hundreds of times, that they can't give it to us. We can't change someone, but what we can do, is change what we try to demand from them. Just like we cant expect water to build a sturdy wall, we can't look to a disordered person to not be disordered. The disordered people in our lives have limitations, and we need to see them, and try to work within those limitations.

I know this, because I lived it for decades, it isn't fair. We can't change it. We have to grieve it, accept it, and figure out what we can have, based on what they can give. We have to quit hurting ourselves by personalizing it, and judging their intent.

By accepting it, we can stop ourselves from going back, time and time again, trying to change them, hoping they will change, continually hurting ourselves because we are the ones who can't seem to understand the brevity of the situation. The more we demand they change, and the more we demand that they do something that they are incapable of, the more hurt and angry we become, further damaging these relationships, and hindering them, which, in turn, hurts us more. It is a vicious cycle that is perpetuated on both sides of the equation.

[joiesophie]

This is not my thread, so, I understand if this is not on topic.

I was confused about the lake analogy.  I think it is a beautiful metaphor, but I'm not sure how it fits here. 

People aren't lakes and there are people in the metaphor. So it is like the lake represents a person - and is being used? 

Again, my apologies if this is not the right place to ask.

js

[schwing]

Hi joiesophie,

I think a good way to look at it, is this:

Our BPD loved ones are going to behave in ways predominately dictated by their disorder.  And though it can be hard not to see our parents behind these actions (ie, when we have BPD parents), when we start to realize that much of their crazy making behaviors comes from borderline personality disorder, then we can learn to see their actions in a more objective less personal manner.

At some point it can be just as unreasonable to assign intent on their BPD behaviors as it would be to assign intent on a body of water.

So when they choose to hurt you, what can temper the hurt that we naturally feel, is the realization that our BPD loved one hurts us, not because we deserve it, nor because they are evil, but because they are mentally disordered and sick.  And we should respect that if we get too close, we can get hurt, just as we might respect and keep our guard when dealing with mother nature.

Hope this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Druyan33]

What I have trouble understanding is if they are so bound by their disorder how do they have the ability to change how they appear to different people? I have seen my ubpdm change on a dime because she didn't want to look bad to a certain person but then reverted right back to "normal" once that person was gone. They choose how far to go, how much of their "crazy" can be seen by whom.  ?

[BMama]

Sorry.
It doesn't help me.
The implication was that the lake's intent was for good, if USED properly by the person(s) with the bucket...but if you got too close and fell in and drowned, well, that wasn't the lake's fault because it wasn't the lake's INTENT to drown you.  Sometimes, whether the BPD person has a disease that controls them or not, their intent IS to HURT...for whatever reason deep down in their soul that they feel their behavior is appropriate.
I find it more than a difficult to separate the two.  Yes, I get that the person COULD be healthy if they didn't have BPD, but...they DO.  They are not a plain old body of water that can be used for good but oops, well, sometimes if we screw up in interacting with it, it might do us harm.
Like I said...slippery slope.  I think that one has to be very careful in using metaphors that look lovely and work well in healthy relationships to try to explain a relationship with a mentally unstable person.

[PDQuick]

Hi JS  xoxox

Basically, in a nutshell, it means to understand and know what you can use them for, and try not to use them for something they just cant do.

The lake is like a person in the way that we all have things that we can do. We all have capabilities, and properties that are associated with us. We are all capable of great things, and also bad things. The secret with living in peace with the water, is to understand what we can use it for, and what can harm us. Much like those disordered people in our lives. Does that help?

[schwing]

What I have trouble understanding is if they are so bound by their disorder how do they have the ability to change how they appear to different people? I have seen my ubpdm change on a dime because she didn't want to look bad to a certain person but then reverted right back to "normal" once that person was gone. They choose how far to go, how much of their "crazy" can be seen by whom.  ?

This is a good observation.

They change "how they appear to different people" because as I understand it, they do not have a fixed personality.  This is often why, nobody ever quite sees what we see in our BPD loved one, because technically everyone sees something different.

What is consistent about BPD personalities, is the closer you are to them, the more their inappropriate and intense emotions (ie, fear of abandonment) get triggered.  And this is why family members and partners usually bare the brunt of their disordered behaviors. 

When you can limit how close they feel towards you, then you can limit the degree of their dysregulation.

[BMama]

I have no interest in using my mother for anything, as she has nothing to offer me that doesn't have strings attached.

I'm gonna flip this metaphor on it's end...

I AM the LAKE--the one that's been used.  My mother has come to me so many times for water for this, that, the other, and most times took a bucket just to walk away and pour it out using it for NOTHING.  Now I'm a dry lake bed with less to offer.  Some of MY potential and intent has been wasted on someone who didn't appreciate my resources.  The only way to heal is to smash her bucket into a million little pieces and break the damns on the rivers that flow TOWARDS me, the ones that bring the refreshing water, so I can be filled up again.

 

[UKannie]

Acceptance usually refers to cases where a person experiences a situation or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. The term is used in spirituality, in Eastern religious concepts such as Buddhist mindfulness, and in human psychology. Religions and psychological treatments often suggest the path of acceptance when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.

My take on acceptance and judgement:

I hope I'm not completely missing the point here, or hijacking the thread, but part of the reason I was abused so badly when I was a child/teenager was that no-one (e.g. my dad, our doctor, a social worker) tried to challenge, change or protest against my uBPD/NPD mother's behaviour. There was too much acceptance.

Other people in our neighbourhood accepted our house was a warzone because my dad was schizophrenic. Other adults tolerated my mother's behaviour because they made allowances for her because she had a sick husband. I accepted this argument for too long, and made excuses for her. Now, as an adult who would love a family of my own, I do not accept that. I do not see how a mother could systematically and repeatedly hurt and neglect her own children under any circumstances.
(I don't want to access or understand the sick stuff that was going on in her head at the time, that is the job of a qualified, detached psychiatrist)

In society we often campaign against racism, bullying, domestic abuse under the banner 'zero tolerance'. It is a great, empowering slogan because it is about not accepting a situation, not looking for excuses, just saying 'enough is enough'...saying that as a civilised society we are not tolerating abuses of power. There are some things which we should be judgemental about on behalf of others who may not have a voice.


As a child I did not have a voice. No-one judged my mother. Even now, her behaviour causes a great deal of harm to my dad, acquaintances and extended family, partly because she got away with so much when she was younger - no-one with any authority has ever been clear with her that her behaviour is anti-social, cruel and not acceptable.

Someone should have challenged her, threatened to take her children away, or made her face police questioning, or thrown her out of the teaching profession. (If someone had intervened early, maybe just support as opposed to judgement would have been enough, who knows? But they didn't do that either)

Who should do the 'accepting' when child abuse/child misery is going on? (Or when it has gone on in the past?) Surely not doctors, spouses, observant teachers, social workers. Then why should I, as the target of it? Even retrospectively.

Violent criminals still get trials and sentences, even if they get caught twenty years on. No-one expects society (or their families) to try and understand them or accept them the way they are. No-one says 'well they probably have anti-social PD or some other Cluster B personality disorder, let's go easy on them'. The pursuit of justice (which involves making judgements) is an important thing. In my view that is not the same as vengeance or retribution. It is about signalling to wider society that when bad things happen, mature healthy adults must do all they can to show that certain behaviour is not acceptable and intervene to protect those who are vulnerable from it.

My view is that we have to judge others sometimes for the wider good. We 'live and let live' at the peril of vulnerable people and children. Twenty-five years ago those vulnerable people were my brother and I. Twenty-five years on we are both still traumatised.

I hope nobody finds my rant/polemic offensive. It is not aimed at an individual poster: I am just trying to make sense of how I feel about the issues raised in this thread.

Annie

[joiesophie]

Okay, I don't swim, so I may be up to my neck in water for this one. 

During my time with my T, I used to 'forgive' my foo with bpd issues because they were 'crazy'.  However, that didn't help.  For me, I had jumped to the 'forgiveness and understanding' end of the spectrum before I placed the responsibility, blame squarely where it belonged, on the shoulders of my parents, and, in some ways, my older sister. 

While I'm at it, I also blame my extended foo, the culture and any 'authority' figures who watched the crazy go on and ignored it.  Letting me live in h&*l was wrong and if anyone could have intervened and didn't, then they deserve blame as well. 

And I 'shouldered' the blame.  Literally,  I put it in my left arm. Until just a couple of weeks ago.  And I blamed God for 'sticking me' in this crazy, abusive family.  I never gave the crazy abusive grown ups the credit they so deserved.  Yes, they have mental illnesses, BUT I was a kid.  I didn't deserve to put the blame on me or God either.  I knew in my gut they were crazy.  And especially my mother who couldn't control her suicidal depression.  But I couldn't either.

I think the lake thing makes sense once you've gone through the muck and mud and swamp of yelling, screaming and putting the blame and responsiblity where it belongs.

js

[Skip]

I hope nobody finds my rant/polemic offensive. It is not aimed at an individual poster: I am just trying to make sense of how I feel about the issues raised in this thread.

There are 21 steps in the Survivor's guide. Everyone makes the journey differently.  Our view of things also changes as we progress through our own recovery and healing (steps) - I know mine certainly did.  Frankly, I could not have rationalized or even imagined back in the early stages that I would feel the way I do now.  As I look back, I can see all the stages and progressions I went through.  Looking back is easy - looking forward, impossible.

I say this only to suggest that we will unnecessarily torture ourselves if we put the burden on ourselves to rationalize everyones different perspectives with our own at one time and space.    xoxox

I had jumped to the 'forgiveness and understanding' end of the spectrum before I placed the responsibility, blame squarely where it belonged, on the shoulders of my parents, and, in some ways, my older sister.  

How many of us have made this same mistake?  I know I moved to acceptance before I processed my anger and had to go back and reprocess it - at the time I really had no guide like we have here on many of the different boards.  Since, I've read a lot about grieving - it's so important to go through the stages  - and so damaging when we don't.  Too much anger for too long is bad.  No enough anger is bad too.  We have to go through the process if we are to have a chance of truly healing.
    

• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

The Abuse survivors guide is far more complex than this grieving this model.  It's a far more complex process.   xoxox

I think that I get this and if I do, might this ‘state’ be considered acceptance? Or what?

I have surrendered any expectation of being mothered by my ubpdm the way I’ve wanted or needed. I don’t fully understand what my intentions are in choosing to maintain contact with her.

Are you nearing Step 18?  Or are you where joiesophie was?  Have you been through much of what is discussed in the earlier stages?  

Looking at that might help putting where you are right now in perspective. You can click on each and get a further explanation |click here|

 xoxox

Skippy

[somethings gotta give]

I'm truly thankful for all of you, here. I so appreciate your comments and insights.   xoxox  Wow... I need to take some time, now, to think about all of this.

Skip, thanks for the adjustment to this subject.

Studying the Survivors Guide, I know that I've moved past remembering, and I see myself in parts of mourning AND healing. Is that possible, do you think?  (Rhetorical question).

  everyone.

[random]

The pursuit of justice (which involves making judgements) is an important thing. In my view that is not the same as vengeance or retribution. It is about signalling to wider society that when bad things happen, mature healthy adults must do all they can to show that certain behaviour is not acceptable and intervene to protect those who are vulnerable from it.

My view is that we have to judge others sometimes for the wider good. We 'live and let live' at the peril of vulnerable people and children.

I agree with this very much.

I think that in trying to explain the behaviour of the BPD person, lots of people make the mistake of saying, "well, she's sick, it's just how she is" and then jump to "tolerate it." That's excuse-making and it's wrong - they may be sick, but certain actions are morally wrong, not permissible in our society, and they must not be allowed to perpetrate them, just as sexually disordered people are not allowed to molest minors, people with kleptomania are still not permitted to steal, and so on.

But acceptance as I understand it is, "this person does disordered, harmful things and is NOT capable of having the kind of relationship I want to have with her." It's not condoning. It's just seeing them as they are. Accepting that they are disordered and commit evil acts is the first step in protecting yourself. Once you understand that you are in danger and will always be in danger from this person, you can do something about it.

[immadone]

WOW, WHAT A GREAT THREAD! All of your postings resonate...I am humbled...and in tears...thank you..all of you...Immadone     

[blackandwhite]

But acceptance as I understand it is, "this person does disordered, harmful things and is NOT capable of having the kind of relationship I want to have with her." It's not condoning. It's just seeing them as they are. Accepting that they are disordered and commit evil acts is the first step in protecting yourself. Once you understand that you are in danger and will always be in danger from this person, you can do something about it.

That's how it's been working for me. It was when I really let go of any idea that my mother would find a way to meet my needs, and that in fact through her disorder she was going to continue to be harmful to me and my own family, including my vulnerable child, that I began to accept her. It sounds weird. Maybe another word would help...see her? Perceive her? Release her?  

Acceptance also coincided with NC for me, but the acceptance continues to develop. Without acceptance--this is who she IS, she will not change--I probably would have tried to resume contact and would be focusing my energy on my mother rather than on myself.

I've worked through remembering, mourning, and healing in an iterative process. For example, because I have a lot of traumatic memory loss, I still get taken by surprise by remembering (step 4, I shall re-experience each set of memories...), even though I've worked on it a lot. EMDR, supportive therapy, being here, and mindfulness practice have helped enormously as I've "re-experienced each set of memories as they surface in my mind."

I also am working on step 12, "facing my shame and developing self-compassion." Come a long way, but more to go. Step 19, "I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past" feels really close, and that feels really good. It's such a relief.  

Skip's point about releasing ourselves from the burden of taking on other people's perspectives with our own in any given moment is part of it for me. My sister and I don't have the same view, sometimes. I have felt so freed by remembering that "I hold my own meaning." A lot of us were not given the opportunity to hold our own meaning. As the Survivors' Guide suggests, I'm taking it.  

Thank you to everyone for this conversation.

B&W