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Author Topic: TOOLS: Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches  (Read 8135 times)
random
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« Reply #80 on: February 15, 2010, 05:54:11 PM »

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I know I've been looking for safety--for HOME--all my life. It's because I've found it, or rather felt entitled over time to build it brick by brick, that I do, finally, feel safe.

I think this safety/haven/HOME is what I was looking for, when I looked to other people for rescue. Unfortunately, I ended up walking into a trap both times, with mom and with the evil "therapist".

I'm starting to understand that it's healthy to need safety, but that I am the one who has to put it into place. It's OK to ask for help, but the task itself starts and ends with me, no one else can be trusted with it the way I trusted those two. I am the SEO, president of the board and uber-chairman of my safety, everyone else is hired help  smiley

That's something I learned here, on these boards.

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I'm probably more suited to an inbound call type job where people are calling ME, not me cold calling.

Cold-calling is very, very hard. I would rather eat broken lightbulbs, personally.

One way you can view it so that you don't feel guilty for turning down these types of assignment is, you tried. You gave it an honest, good old college try and you discovered that it's not something you are good at. Your time is better spent doing things that you ARE very good at, or seeking those things out - it's a better business decision and a better use of your time and energy.
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justhere
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« Reply #81 on: February 16, 2010, 04:36:06 PM »


blackandwhite I can see how this lack of positive entitlement has affected my life and I don't know how I got to this place of awareness after years of being 'enmeshed' and living in the 'FOG' but only that I can't continue in the old ways. I wonder if my abusive lifestyle has burnt itself out or maybe I'm just burnt out? I want so much to share what I'm learning with my family but I know I have to take this one step at a time.

blackandwhite I do recognize the 'red flags' and know that something is wrong even sometimes within minutes of meeting a person but still go ahead with the relationship anyway. I seem to be attracted to the most difficult and I'm not sure if this is a form of self-sabotage or if it's just the challenge that I'm looking for or I'm repeating/reliving a previous failed relationship. .

I also think that some of my thinking has to do with my view of caring or empathy like not wanting to discriminate against people on the basis of their behavior or that I shouldn't judge another but this kind of thinking may have more to do with 'keeping me in my place.' As I have been programmed to think... 'I shouldn't get to big for my britches', I shouldn't 'expect' or 'want' or even 'question' what I already have as that was being greedy, prideful, selfish or ungrateful, so with these things ringing in my ears every time I try to succeed it's a wonder how I ever get anywhere.
Most of the concepts that I am learning on this board are opposite to what I grew up thinking, so this is going to take a while to fully sink in.

justhere

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« Reply #82 on: February 16, 2010, 07:12:25 PM »

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not wanting to discriminate against people on the basis of their behavior

Waitwaitwait. How is discriminating against people on the basis of their behaviour a bad thing? It's not even discriminating - it's just having a response and an opinion of a person. It's not wrong! Judging people because of things they can't help, like their physical ability, or skin colour, or culture, judging people based on what they are is discrimination. Judging people based on their choices and behaviour is an absolute right and must! Judgement in this sense is not negative, it's having a basic set of ideas about right and wrong, and applying them to behaviour is a necessity, otherwise ye basic civilization and society becomes impossible and degenerates into chaos. You can't have laws or any fundamental social contract without saying "behaviour X, Y and Z is A-OK, behaviour A, B and C is wrong and we don't allow it."

There is such a thing as too much tolerance. And having the right to a point of view about how other people behave and treat you is definitely part of positive entitlement. Basic human rights, even.
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« Reply #83 on: February 16, 2010, 07:17:36 PM »

I agree Random.  We've all been taught to accept lots of contradicting behaviors, and put up with varying degrees one extreme to the other from our BPD's.  It's hard to really KNOW what is acceptable for someone to do to us, or how they should act around us.

'I shouldn't get to big for my britches', I shouldn't 'expect' or 'want' or even 'question' what I already have as that was being greedy, prideful, selfish or ungrateful, so with these things ringing in my ears every time I try to succeed it's a wonder how I ever get anywhere.

That's called the FOG.
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Falling down is part of LIFE.  Getting back up is LIVING.
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« Reply #84 on: February 16, 2010, 08:10:15 PM »


I hear what you random and BMama are saying and I know my boundaries are seriously lacking. I guess it didn't help working years(since I was 18----that's 40 years) with people who are mentally ill and mentally challenged so I know I have normalized some pretty strange behavior. 

It's really difficult being taught to accept outrageous behavior and deal with it on a regular basis from people who I have come to be very fond off and then trying to have a different standard for my personal life especially when I would rather be at work any day then at home. I used to joke that I went to work for a break but it was no joke.

justhere


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One cannot be content to creep,
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« Reply #85 on: February 16, 2010, 08:59:01 PM »

Ah, OK, it makes sense that you didn't want to write off people for acting weird, if you deal with mentally ill folks professionally.  smiley

Big diff between behaviour that is eccentric by social norms and behaviour that is abusive though. People are fully welcome to the former, but not at all welcome to the latter, where I am concerned.
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« Reply #86 on: February 19, 2010, 08:35:52 PM »

I am astill tryin to figure out what I'm so scared of...

I have actually been homeless twice in my life and maybe living through that is why I feel ok with my material situation and work. Nothing can be as bad as that was.

With relationships I still have a terror though.
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« Reply #87 on: June 20, 2010, 11:56:13 PM »

I am entitled to unconditional love; not the kind of love that has conditions of, "If you love me then you'll..."
I am entitled to respect.
I am entitled to be myself without feeling like I'm shackled by my parental units words.
I am entitled to have my own space, without it being infringed upon. 
I am entitled to give myself presents without being asked a million questions.
I am entitled to living my life free of guilt and manipulation.
I am entitled to not being emotionally blackmailed.
I am entitled to have my needs, whether mentally, emotionally or physically met.
I am entitled to be treated like a person rather than a play thing.
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What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  I'm a fighter and a survivor, trying to make it day to day.
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« Reply #88 on: June 23, 2010, 09:55:58 PM »

I love your list, Telyva!

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I am entitled to respect.

This is sure an important one. What does respect mean to you? What does it look like in the context of your relationships? Self-respect?

B&W

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« Reply #89 on: June 24, 2010, 04:05:06 PM »

That's me, B&W. 
I always feel a need to take on more responsibiltiy than necessary, and over-explain my way out of something if I mess up, or get caught in an embarassing situation.  I'm getting better at this.  Before I would call, I'd rehearse over and over and over in my head what I was going to say so the person ont he other end of the line would completely GET that I was sorry, repentant, etc. 

I've started to realize that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.  I wasn't be the first one to do "whatever" it was, and won't be the last.  Like yesterday...I had my carpet cleaned by a professional.  I've been trying to keep up with it myself for the past five years to save money...it just got away from me, and out of hand.  I told him I was sorry he had to scrub a little harder, and that I was embarassed it had gotten so bad (which is part of the reason I kept putting it off).

The guy says, "It's okay...this is hardly the worst I've ever seen, I promise."  Usually, I'd think, he's just saying that to make me feel better...but yesterday, I just thought...he's not lying.  I know, I've been in other people's houses.  LOL

Respect...what is the definition formally?  How do we know if we are being respected and being respectful to others.  This is timely as I'm working on some communication issues in T regarding my relationship with my hubby.  We obviously have a lack of respect problem between us, both ways.  I'm just so used to doing things the old way...but feeling resentment towards him because of it. 

Maybe this is a new topic altogether?   grin
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« Reply #90 on: June 30, 2010, 10:39:10 PM »

I am entitled to owning my own feelings.
I am entitled to the pursuit of happiness and all it entails.
I am entitled to live in my own space.
I am entitled to pursue my own goals in life.
I am entitled to freedom of speech.
I am entitled to my own beliefs.
I am entitled to seek knowledge.
As I live and breathe, I am entitled to life.
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« Reply #91 on: July 03, 2011, 09:51:43 AM »

What's your definition of "positive entitlement"? How might "positive entitlement" relate to your life?

For me, positive entitlement is the right to live as peacefully as possible, without being bullied by others, without being manipulated by others.
I have the right to control my own life. I have the right to stand up for myself. I have the right to try and make a better life for myself rather than get pulled into "the pit".

I think for me it also means that it is perfectly reasonable to do things that other people do on a regular basis without being made to feel guilty about it or withstanding a "blackening" for it: take a vacation, take a break, spend time with others, pursue my own life goals, make important purchases, NOT involve her in every single aspect of my life, have confidence in my own abilities, etc., etc. It's only recently that I've realized how much other people have put up with from me because I've been putting ubpdm's needs above everyone elses. Sometimes you have to give your time to other people, too, right? I've celebrated a lot of "December Thanksgivings" and "January Christmases" with other people in the family because heaven knows you ALWAYS have to spend major holidays with her and nobody else.  rolleyes I shudder to think if I had let her completely have her way when my father got sick. It sickens me to think I didn't break free from her a little sooner so I could've spent more time with him in his last days. She once told me "If you go and take care of him it'll be over my dead body". I was a grown woman. What was wrong with me?

I've been so programmed to consider them first, that I have felt guilty about doing almost anything for myself before doing it for them; i.e. hand over large sums of money so they can afford to live a lifestyle beyond their means while I live with a lot less than they do even though I work hard and have earned the money to spend on myself.  I've gotten a lot of mixed messages on this one in particular - I will be encouraged to spend on myself, or do something for myself, but then something always happens and the fact I did it will get thrown back at me. But also if I gave to them rather than to myself, it was never enough. That sort of thing. A no-win.

So "positive entitlement" means taking care of my life first, in a way that I see fit. Sometimes that means I come first, sometimes it means I put someone else's needs ahead of my own, but either way, it's my choice.
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« Reply #92 on: July 26, 2011, 01:16:01 PM »

  Somewhere along the line I learned that being stoic was more important than being happy. 

This is such a great thread - I see so much of myself in these posts.  My wardrobe is still outdated.  I work far too much at the sacrifice of leisure time and hobbies and friendships.  My bedroom furniture is a mish/mosh of stuff accumulated over 15 years - not a room I am proud of.  My D15 told me about six months ago I deserved my own mom cave and she would help me make it.  At the time I sort of blew it off thinking it was worthless indulgence but now I am starting to think it is a good idea.  I am slowly starting to change my view of life - actually mostly after coming across this board. Last week, I allowed myself half an hour of clothes shopping without a goal or purpose and found a nice shirt that fit me well.  I realized that I don't treat myself well.

My exBPDbf felt entitled to everything - free room and board, spending money handed to him, at one point in a rage he demanded I buy him a car.  His sense of entitlement always blew me away - yet he did nothing to earn those things.  I worked my a$$ off to support him and my family and expected nothing - not even leisure time or kind words or gratitude from people I supported.  In fact, he abused me at times and broke my things.  I never arranged my life to be nice to myself - I arranged my life to make everyone else's life nice.  Thanks to everyone for helping me see this.
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« Reply #93 on: July 27, 2011, 12:32:56 AM »

oceanblue,

I'm glad you discovered this thread and what a wonderful experience you and your D15 could have together. It's good role modeling for her, too. You matter, she matters, putting care and love into the place you spend your time is a reflection of self-worth.

I hope you'll keep us posted.  Doing the right thing

B&W
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« Reply #94 on: November 15, 2011, 04:49:08 PM »

It's funny, but turing 40 as a woman has somehow given me permission to feel positive entitlement about being an ok person...

Now, don't get me wrong, I freaked out when I actually TURNED 40, in May: I had no bf, no close friends, no great job and so I drank too much at a party and hooked up with a way-younger man who had treated me badly in the past  rolleyes

But once I got the self-pity out of my system, I find I use "40" a lot now. Meaning someone will say something negative about me and I'll just think, "so what? I'm 40, what do I care what you think about me?"  grin

Even more important than caring what negative people say, I'm so much better now at saying that to the bully in my head! I give myself time and space and compassion to do things not-perfectly! I tell myself, "dang, I'm 40! I survived, and I'm thriving, and I'm doing good! Screw you, negative self-esteem!" As long as I'm continuing to work on growing as a person and achieving health and treating the people around me with love and compassion, then I figure I'm on a good path. I can't wait until 50!
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« Reply #95 on: February 24, 2013, 02:29:48 AM »

What's your definition of "positive entitlement"? How might "positive entitlement" relate to your life?

I am entitled to happiness, in my own right, as I define it for myself.  I am entitled to spend my time and resources in ways that benefit me, and only me.  I am entitled to give to myself as much as, or more than I give to others.  I have the right to control my actions and not have my actions guided by another.  I have the right to purse my dreams and do things I find personally fulfilling. 

I have spent many years seeking the guidance of others, and at age 34 I am, for the first time learning what it means to give myself the gift of positive entitlement.  I am pursuing things that are of interest and importance to me, without the permission of anyone.  I am responsible for my own actions and the consequences.  I am making my own bed - a very comfortable one - so that for the first time I can enjoy lying in it.  It's so gradual but every day feel more like a blessing that a curse.

Thank you BPDfamily. 
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