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Think About It... The Borderline and the narcissist. The borderline tends to be dominated mostly by abandonment fears, and the narcissistic person, by fear of the loss of specialness or appreciation.When the promise of that bond is threatened, the borderline responds with blame and attack defenses. The narcissist tends to withdraw, fears a loss of specialness, easily becomes injured or outraged ~Joan Lachkar, Ph.D..
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Author Topic: Can people with BPD really love?  (Read 6914 times)
Metta
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« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2010, 06:19:04 PM »

Dear Butterfly,
Avoid this man. Do not allow him contact. I don't like his indecent proposal to you. Yuck!

Can they love?
Mine would declare his love for me constantly, even when he had returned to an ex.

I finally decided that I didn't care if he thought he loved me or not. He probably loved some fantasy image of me and not the real woman I am.
I've given up trying to figure out if he loved me.

All I know is that all the pain and drama he caused me were not loving actions. I need love to be enacted through respect, courage and some tenderness. But mostly courage and respect, which he never had for himself or gave to me.
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2010, 08:23:37 PM »

Oh my goodness me look at all the reply posts! Thank you so much guys

Well after receiving a "goodnite. i miss you" and a "good morning" text off the exBPDbf while he is staying at his new flames...I have decided to go NC FINALLY!

My psychologist told me there are three stages after a relationship break up
1  grief of loss  ...done that been there ended up in hospital!
2  the "what ifs?"...yep done that too!
3 the anger stage...well guess what im there...all I can say what an ____ but "Thank you" to myexBPDbf for showing your true colours over he last week he sure did validate alot of questions in my head for oh so long!

But here you go a$$hole...

You used me
You cheated on me
You lied to me
You manipulated me
You controlled me
You isolated me
You threatened me
You abused me
You disrespected me...NO YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE...
                 So this song is for you my exBPDbf
                 Goodbye and Good riddence and I wish your new flame the best of luck grin lol lol lol lol oh if she only knew oh but thats right I would of been the horrible one...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAzkYmBZpE0

Butterfly
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GCD145
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« Reply #22 on: February 09, 2010, 08:32:52 PM »


Well after receiving a "goodnite. i miss you" and a "good morning" text off the exBPDbf while he is staying at his new flames...I have decided to go NC FINALLY!

Good for you  Doing the right thing  !

It's easiest when you make it impossible for them to contact you.  Email blocks are really important, and consider changing your phone number.

Be strong,

GCD145
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kly
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« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2010, 01:03:00 AM »

KICK ASS ! BUTTERFLY !  Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing  
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Valentine09
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« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2010, 01:21:15 AM »

KICK ASS ! BUTTERFLY !  Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing  

I second that  cheesy
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kj1234
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« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2010, 01:46:14 AM »

KICK ASS ! BUTTERFLY !  Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing   Doing the right thing  
I third that!  Doing the right thing
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2010, 12:44:30 AM »

I am just going to vent here so excuse me guys...i have been looking back not in a reminiscing way but a "oh my god"  Thought way i am remember times when i had been manipulated to meet his needs and no body elses and i am angry and i feel so bloody used and stupid but i suppose the saying "love makes you blind" is really true! it is amazing how when you start to stand up for yourself and dont take their ____ and they work out that your over their crap and dont meet "THEIR" needs anymore they drop you like a hot rag and so easily hop onto the next victim without a bat of an eye. they make you to be the worse in the world to the next victim so they feel "secure" that the ex aint a round but they still bug you and tell you that they "miss you" and try to drag you along for the ride "just in case" it doesnt work out with the next person. My eyes have been opened up so much over the last two weeks and so many things have been validated and feel at ease inside to know that it wasnt me and i wasn't a paranoid girlfriend he really did cheat on me he really was lying to me over and over again...i wish i could warn this single mother of two boys what she has got but i know she would not believe me im just the crazy ex...he has already emotionally cheated on her and more than likely has already lied to her it is just a vivious cycle...will he ever get it? will he ever understand what real love is? you dont tell people what they want to hear to get what you want, you dont say you love someone to get your needs fulfillied, i have never met such a selfish person in all my life, so greedy, so manipulative it is disgusting and it makes me sick that i loved someone like that !  barfy

Butterfly
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Valentine09
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« Reply #27 on: February 11, 2010, 01:07:04 AM »

you dont tell people what they want to hear to get what you want, you dont say you love someone to get your needs fulfillied, i have never met such a selfish person in all my life, so greedy, so manipulative it is disgusting and it makes me sick that i loved someone like that !  barfy

Butterfly


I feel the same way.  Mine told me she loved me one week and was gone for good two weeks later.  What they do should be illegal.  At least there should be some way to report them   lol    It wouldn't be as bad if they just left us alone after they leave us...but they like to torture us, and that's just evil.
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2010, 04:00:17 AM »

Yes I know Valentine! Whats the deal with that? why on earth do they turn around after dumping your ass for someone else and say they want to be friends and send you "i miss yous" "goodnight" and "goodmorning" text messages when there with the one they choose over you if there so great give them all of your time and attention you just dont do that it is emotional cheating to me...ive gone NC anyways i was over the messages and the invitations to his place when his girl wasnt around I respect myself too much...

butterfly
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kj1234
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« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2010, 10:54:14 AM »

Butterfly, I found myself saying, I guess love really is blind and ignorance is bliss (but not quite), after all the realities started to hit me.

  What they do should be illegal.  At least there should be some way to report them   lol

I recommend prenuptial agreements.  Marriage is supposed to be a "contract", but most states now have "no-fault" divorce, which pretty much means the contract has no validity and can not be used to protect either party from the other's actions, even in the case of adultery.  The typical court rules may allow you to retrieve some monetary things taken from you, maybe, but those rules are a bit of "pot luck" also because the equitable distribution is not necessarily equitable in the context of the devoided marriage contract.  I, myself, seem to have been lucky (or partially smart just by chance) this time.  She tried to get the money, but it appears she will have to give instead.  I'll call that justice by luck.
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kj1234
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« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2010, 11:01:17 AM »

Following up on my last post:  It is not really just "justice by luck".  I was in the FOG during the marriage and was not nearly fully aware of what was happening.  Now looking back objectively I can see the paper trail of the finances tells a different story, probably much more accurate than what I was believing while in the FOG.  So, I give the justice system credit for rules and procedures that will truly produce results much more equitable than I would have gotten without it.  Can't really complain.  I still recommend pre-nuptial agreements with penalties for adultery and other major violations of the contract.
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Valentine09
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« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2010, 11:10:32 AM »

The fact that they can't live up to a legally binding contract is very telling.  I wonder if they were confronted with such rules and regulations up front if they'd even go through with a marriage.  I think mine left me quicker than her other bfs because I was always questioning and calling her out on her suspicious behavior.  I really had no reason to trust her in a dating relationship, much less a marriage.  Glad it didn't go that far. 
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Beast98
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« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2010, 11:34:10 AM »

Mine wrote me an e-card for our 3rd anniversary. It spoke about how happy she was about the progress we'd recently made and how mature and solid the relationship had become. She said she loved me more than she'd ever loved anyone and was so looking forward to a bright future by my side. 

17 days later, she moved in with some lowlife she met on match.com.  barfy
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2010, 11:42:53 AM »

Yes they tell you what you want to hear...my exBPDbf was talking to me bout having a baby next week GONE...met his new flame on the internet aswell...
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mr_abandoned
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« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2010, 01:12:51 PM »

I guess the problem with this statement "can people with BPD really love?" is that love is a unique emotion/experience that is very different for everyone. Generally love is a decision based on the sum of shared experiences both good and bad. No one can maintain that "in love" feeling constantly, it comes and goes and then comes back again and so on... its the decision to stick with the person when those butterfly feelings are gone that constitutes love.

To leave one partner for another, simply in need to experience those "butterfly feelings" is completely illogical, selfish and inconsiderate especially when there is no abuse in the relationship and the primary partner is honest and trustworthy. When this happens, its a clear display that the person is immature and cannot grasp what love is and furthermore has idealised the secondary partner (affair partner). Its magical thinking at its worst.

Nothing makes me more sick to the stomach than watching some hollywood tripe movie were one person meets another and then suddenly says that they are "in love". They should say they are "in infatuation"...doesnt really roll of the tounge though. How can someone fall in love without having lived through the shared experiences that build love? Its impossible. I equate "love at first sight" in the same context as "winning a marathon with one step"...its impossible!

For Borderlines, love is simply infatuation, they lack object consistency for love to develop and sustain a relationship. Therefore when the object consistency problems arise, they base their relationship on need rather than love. In my view, since they are severly impaired in this respect, love cannot develop. Love can only develop through shared interpretation off shared experiences i.e...the gray areas of life, or reality as I like to call it.

Mentaly healthy people dont fall out of love, they fall out of effort when all avenues are exhausted and there is a clear patern of conflict.

People with BPD don't fall out of love, they fall out of reality...And falling out of reality = mental illness!
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Everything will be ok in the end, and if its not ok........then its not the end!

My NON Stats:
First Date with BPD partner: June 06, 2001
Idolization phase ended: September 2003
Committed to Buying Home: November 2006
Abandoned by Her: December 2008
Last date of Contact: January 05, 2009
Butterfly03
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« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2010, 09:01:06 PM »

WOW Mr Abandoned what an awesome post!
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kj1234
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« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2010, 09:19:20 PM »

Well said, mr_abandoned.

My stbxw also claimed to hate more people than I have ever seen anyone hate.  I guess she "hates" me now.  But it was usually a "baby" kind of hate, like a young child would say, I hate you, not really knowing what it means.

I think "they" can sometimes be no more able to hate than to love, or at least spend little time in the mode where they are capable.  In that old hierarchy of needs, security needs come first.  If you go along with that theory, only after those primary needs are satisfied can we move up to satisfying the higher level needs.  Love and hate are not on that bottom rung.
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PotentiallyKevin
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« Reply #37 on: February 11, 2010, 09:31:05 PM »

Mine wrote me an e-card for our 3rd anniversary. It spoke about how happy she was about the progress we'd recently made and how mature and solid the relationship had become. She said she loved me more than she'd ever loved anyone and was so looking forward to a bright future by my side. 

17 days later, she moved in with some lowlife she met on match.com.  barfy

Almost the exact same thing happened here. This is what she wrote:

"I have been thinking of us a lot lately, all our good times, troubled times, magical times etc. We have both been doing our research (?) and know we both have in the past fallen in "false love". I seek the best in life and not just compatibility ... but love. It seemed we have had love but not true love. We are soul-mates Kevin. You and I know it. True Love grows on you. I want to be with you for the right reasons and not go back to our pasts. We both want a happily ever after future together. I do know it was 'Love at first site though' I know it and felt it. As unhealthy as it became, I know we did love each other for the right reasons and still do. I love you more than anything and know that you love me too. I want to be with you forever."

That week we spent a lot more time together than usual. She invited me to thanksgiving dinner with her family and was very impressed that I dressed up and was very talkative to her parents and siblings. She told me she felt like we were finally working out.

That weekend, I went out of town to visit my own folks. When I returned, I found out she was "in a relationship" with someone she had met online weeks earlier. She wanted nothing to do with me. Bizarre Ain't it?

Don't know if anyone has linked this yet, but probably the best post ever written here on the BPDfamily.com site concerning love:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0
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po·ten·tial  adj.
1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential greatness.
2. Having possibility, capability, or power.
3. The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.
4. Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.
jalk
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« Reply #38 on: February 11, 2010, 09:37:03 PM »

Borderlines love is love of a 3-5 yr old mentality. They want what they what and when they want it...their terms only. Gimmi, Gimmi Gimmi, more and more, smothering with love and passion, you're the best thing I ever had in my life, please never leave me, where would I be without you?   Oh, by the way...I'm leaving you. Bye.
Thats how they love. Thats their interpertation of love. It's a one way street, no give and take, no sharing, Can they love? Sure, its called BPD love. The kind you do not trust, or get caught up in. Run as far away as you can from this barfy  poisen, it will surely kill you.
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Live each day like it is your last day to live BUT be sure it is your life you're living.
Butterfly03
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« Reply #39 on: February 12, 2010, 05:23:25 AM »

You know what the worse part for me is...the silence...I feel like I'm in shock...it goes from full on attention the phone never stoping with messages calls etc to whack bam gone SILENCE...I know I am way better off with my exBPDbf know seeing someone else but the silence is so bizarre to me after four years. Ive gone no contact but I find myself still checking my mobile phone out of habit!

Butterfly
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