Here's an excerpt that I think explains really well why it is that those closest to the BPD/NPD get the worst of their behavior:
--- In WTOTransition@yahoogroups.com
, "scrambled75" <stujwils@...> wrote:
"I have posted this before but it may be worth saying again. It is something I read in Richard Skerritt's book 'Meaning from Madness'. Basically, borderlines and narcissists live in great fear of being negatively judged by others so they project an image they feel will be acceptable (i.e. mirroring). But they will only do this so long as you fall outside their definition of 'self'
. Once you fall within their definition of 'self' (i.e. through marriage or the like) they are no longer motivated to impress you, but to control you so that you ALSO project that image to those outside. All perceived flaws must be eradicated
I don't think it is a case of them consciously choosing when to be nice and when to be nasty. In general, they will appear to be nice so long as you are on the outside
This explanation works for me because my BPD/NPD mother actually told me on more than one occasion that I "had to
love her." So, in her mind, she could do or say anything at all to me, anything she felt like, because I had no choice; I had to love her.
Its that "treating other people like objects or possessions without feelings" thing, that narcissistic component to BPD that is so damned horrid to live with and so incredibly damaging to children.
Anyone who is suspected of having BPD should really be very thoroughly examined and assessed and monitored closely if she has children; its just unconscionable to allow little kids to be raised by a mother who is incapable of relating to her child as anything more than a possession or an object without feelings.
Its a recipe for tragic emotional damage to the child.
They are incredibly HOSTILE and behave like monsters, at home.
Loved ones get the worst treatment.
But I guess seeing the same therapist for a while makes them less shy to act out.