TOOLS: When the children of a BPD parent are at risk

[blackandwhite]

I'm posting an exchange between problemfamily, stepmom to two children who have a BPD mother, and me about her family's situation. She kindly gave me permission to include the exchange here, which I wanted to do as it sheds light on some of the opportunities and challenges adult nons face in trying to help children they love.

Problemfamily:

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It seems I can't post directly to your workshop, but I wondered if you would mind addressing the more subtle hurts/abuses that a BPD parent can inflict that fall under the radar of the warning signs listed above.

My skids mother exhibits BPD behaviors and the children have noticed her angry outbursts, lack of attention, emotional distance, etc, but she hasn't done anything bad enough that a court would take seriously as a reason to remove the children. So what can we do? They are stuck with her 50% of the time on paper - she often farms them out to other people including uBPD/possible NPD g-parents - but what about the kids then?

I am very interested in concrete ways to shore the kids up during the time they are with us and concrete examples of ways we can help them cope when they aren't with us.

Thank you,

pf

My response:

Hi problemfamily,

I think you'll be able to post to the workshop later, when you have more posts. Thank you for your concern for your stepkids--it makes a huge, huge difference. More than you can imagine.

How old are the kids? Is there anyway to amend the custody order so that their dad gets "rights of first refusal" if she's not with them during parenting time? I don't know how feasible that is with his work, etc., anyway, but it might be a strategy.

Document everything, even the things not rising to the level of involving CPS or addressing a change in custody. It may come in handy and at a minimum, it might help the kids later to have a record like that.

One of the key things you feel as a child of a BPD is that YOU are crazy. The world does not make sense to you and you feel like everything is your fault, because the only way to make sense of it is to assume you are bad. That's why bad things are happening to you. If you can give them a sense of simple reality, it will help a lot. Something really simple like, "Yes, your mother does get really mad sometimes. You're a great kid. If she yells and screams and calls you names, that's not right. It's not your fault. She has trouble with her feelings sometimes. But it's not your fault." Talk to them as directly as you and your DH can. Try not to get put off by any "protect mom" instincts. Those are natural. It can be a challenge, but you can find ways to validate them that aren't denigrating to her in their eyes.

You can give them little mantras to repeat to themselves, silently. "I'm a good kid. Daddy loves me. Stepmom loves me. I'm a good kid and people love me." Get them one of those bear puzzles (or something similar) with different emotion faces and talk about when we feel different emotions, and that it's okay, and some good ways to handle it when you feel different emotions.

Try also to get them involved in as many activities that they enjoy as possible. I don't know what her attitude is to you or your DH, but if you can put it in terms that she will appreciate, offer to take them. "Yes, exBPDw, you do deserve a break. Why don't you spend some time at the spa/with your latest boyfriend/etc. and we'll take the kids to pottery class tonight." The more you can build them up with things they can do that are predictable, enjoyable, and perhaps tap their interests and talents, the better.

Even if you only have the 50% time with them and can't get any more, you can fill that time with a sense of safety, predictability, and consistent affection. Have nice routines, a weekend pancake breakfast or walk to the park. Take them out in nature or other places that are soothing.

Also, teach them little ways to self-soothe. For example, get a kid's yoga video and do it with them. Help them learn the breathing and a simple guided visualization that can take them to a happy place. Encourage them to breathe and go to the happy place if they're scared or feel really mad and can't express it. If they like to read, do puzzles, draw, or any other quiet activities, suggest they do that when things get to be too much. Have them write out their feelings (if they're writing) and keep the writing at your house, assuring them it's private. Get them to see a child psychologist if possible. Talk to their teachers to get a sense of how they are at school and enlist the teachers to help with encouraging them.

Tell them that it's not a child's job to make a parent happy, to care for a parent, to make sure a parent is okay. It's a parent's job to take care of a child. You can look for this theme in books and movies. There's a book specifically for kids of BPDs, which might be helpful, An Umbrella for Alex. Here's a link to reviews: http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56239.0.

Give them a sense of the future. Talk explicitly about it. "When you're grown up and going to college and having great adventures as a young adult." Give them a picture of an adult life that isn't about taking care of mom.

That's a lot and probably some repeat from what's in the workshop. I just brain dumped--hope it's helpful! Let me know if you have anything specific questions. I'll do my best or could even post your question as part of the workshop.

 

B&W

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Problemfamily:

Thank you so much for replying. I certainly didn't expect such an involved answer!

To answer some of your questions: SD is 10 and SS is 8. As things stand, because problem mom hasn't made any overtly neglectful or abusive things toward the kids we wouldn't be in a position to get more custody. In our state you have to show a preponderance of evidence or some other wording that if we can't prove she is harming them, then they won't consider a change of custody - the default here seems to be 50/50. Unfortunately he agreed to a screwed up right of refusal agreement which she abuses. He has complained to her about it so many times that she is certain to fight tooth and nail to keep it in the parenting agreement.  On top of that my husband has a very crappy lawyer with not enough funds to hire another. He tries to stay out of court for this reason. I have encouraged him to document, but often we argue about the appropriate time frame for documentation and when/if he should document by emailing her concerns. Often, he blows it off when a timely email would serve as documentation if needed in the future. He is still learning how to have appropriate boundaries with problem mom. At least he no longer goes to the door at exchanges and rarely takes her calls - she has drastically reduced her rages over the last year or so since he has started doing these things.

It is hard to say just how much of the BPD the kids witness or understand yet. DH and I have made it a priority - me more than him because I notice more - to talk to the kids about things that "don't make sense" or "don't seem to be normal".  When the kids bring up things that their mom gets "mad" about they have stated that they don't "get what the big deal is" and we have begun discussing with them that their mom seems to have some difficulty controlling her anger and knowing what is a big deal and what is a little thing. So far, they seem to be ok in understanding that it isn't their fault that she "gets mad" and we have also explained that no kids are ever in charge of making adults get happy after they are mad, it is the adult's fault if they lose their temper and the adult's job to show kids appropriate behavior.

I find these topics very interesting and read LOTS about divorce and its effects on children, BPD, anger, negotiation, step-families etc. It helps me to understand some of the feelings the kids may be having. DH is not as invested, but will mostly support the information as I relate it to him.

Thanks for the ideas of the mantras. Brilliant - SD has been in the habit of being a pleaser and lying for no good reason since I have known her. We have addressed this with her (another big talk last night) and are trying to find ways to help her discover who she really is, as she feels she must play a different role wherever she goes. I think the mantras might help her with this. SS, may not be as receptive, but it's worth remembering for him.

I'm also so glad that you suggested talking about the future and their adventures as grown ups - we have already begun pointing out to them that once they are grown up they will be able to make all their own choices and do what makes them happy. That they should begin now in listening to what their hearts and guts tell them and not what other people tell them or say they should do (being obedient and respectful to parents, teachers, etc)

Anyway, thank you again for your thoughts. As the kids are understanding the dynamics of their lives more and more, I get more and more scared for them and what life holds for them. I think we are doing a good job of creating a safe, loving, consistent home. We have responsibilities, accountability and rules that help them feel secure and they seem to enjoy the routine, but still I worry about the subtle ways problem mom can and does undermine their sense of security. sigh.

[picturelady]

blackandwhite, thank you, this entire thread has been so helpful!

I would be interested in hearing more from your perspective as one who grew up in a BPD home.  I have been married for 24 years to an uBPD; we have 4 children.  I mostly stayed for the kids, and the older ones have not fared well at all - somewhat due to their own hard-wiring issues, but I'm certain that the chaos and unpredictability during their early developmental years contributed greatly to where they're at now.  The information on trauma bonding was very interesting - I have never read about that before.
 
I separated a little over 2 months ago, trying to carve our a more consistent, loving, safe home for my remaining kids, ages 16 and 10.  Last night my 10-yr-old daughter asked if we were going to divorce, then she announced, "Well, if you do, I'll commit suicide."  Her behaviors are much like those of my 20-yr-old d who is BPD through and through.  Any additional insights you might share on what it was like growing up would be appreciated.
Thanks again,
PictureLady  xoxo

[blackandwhite]

Hi picturelady,

Any additional insights you might share on what it was like growing up would be appreciated.

I'm so glad the workshop is helpful to you. Here's a very belated reply to your suggestion. Another parent with a BPD spouse asked me on a different thread what was the hardest part about growing up with a BPD parent. I'm pasting my answer, which also gets at some of the insights you asked about. The bolded parts are suggestions to those who love a child who has a BPD parent, especially the co-parent or a step-parent.

The hardest things for me, as a child of a BPD sufferer, were:

The inconsistency of mood, attention, attitude toward me, and ability to parent. Will she be a nice mommy today, this hour, this minute; a withdrawn mommy who is holed up in her bed passed out with depression and pills; an angry mommy; a helpless mommy; an absent mommy; a loving and interested mommy who then gets upset when I'm unsure how to respond to her overtures because I don't trust her; a suicidal mommy; a mommy who loves me; a mommy who hates me? You get the idea. Forming a sense of safety under those conditions is well nigh impossible. You'll want to be a rock of consistency and provide that as much as possible in your living situation, extended family interactions, family rituals, etc.

The projection and lack of accurate mirroring. A child of a person with BPD is often told he/she is angry, bad, mean, selfish, wonderful, perfect, depressed, etc. with no relation to the CHILD's experience. It's all based on projection of the BPD sufferer's mood or black and white thinking. A child is often told that a parent knows what (bad thing) the child is thinking by the look on the child's face. Children of BPDs school themselves in having stoic expressions that betray nothing and often question their own sanity. Do I really think that? Am I really that way? My parent says so... Learning your own emotions and generating your own self-esteem is very difficult under those conditions. You will want to be a sensitive mirror to your kids. Give them space to have their own true emotions and identities. Encourage relationships and activities that strengthen their sense of self. Correct misinformation the other parent provides. Let them know the BPD parent is often WRONG.

The lack of boundaries. A child of a person with BPD is often given no privacy, physical, emotional, or psychological. A parent can insist on knowing everything, take the door off the hinges, read diaries, listen in on phone calls. As children get older and more independent, a parent's abandonment fears are often triggered, and the parent will often try to "claim" or "own" the child. The parent may have a sense of entitlement, eating food from the child's plate, taking the child's things, climbing into the child's bed for comfort for the parent. Creating a sense of self and what it means to have healthy boundaries in a relationship are challenged. Give your children appropriate levels of privacy through house rules that your husband has to follow as well.

The narcissism. A BPD parent's primary interest is in his/her own feelings. A child's concerns are inevitably way down the list. Put your children's well being first. Let them know there is somebody for whom their interests are paramount. That may mean making hard choices, and this may be hard on your husband. Too often the non-BPD parent "gives up" and sacrifices the children's interests out of exhaustion, loyalty, love, fear, Stockholm Syndrome, etc. in relation the spouse. As they get older, talk to them in age-appropriate ways about issues like how to handle your anger, what it means to be in a reciprocal relationship, what their rights are as people and as family members. Model healthy reciprocal relationships as much as possible.

The parentification. BPD parents often put their children, from very young ages, in the role of caretaker. This can take the form of taking care of the parent's feelings, reading and soothing the parent's mood, protecting the parent, physically caring for the parent, being what the parent needs the child to be instead of what the child needs to be, and so on. I was my mother's counselor, housekeeper, mood reader, service provider, problem solver, protector, suicide watch, uplifter, and organizer. This started when I was six or so. I felt responsible for her well being, her happiness, and even her life. Let your kids be the kids. You be the parent. Be watchful for parentification and work with [the other parent], kids, counselors, extended family members, etc. to give the kids real childhood experiences and sense of freedom to be themselves and explore without fear and concern for their parent.

The abuse and neglect. Sadly, both are very common, including physical neglect (lack of food, clothes, sleep, education, routines) and emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Be honest with yourself. Denial is your enemy. You need to be an excellent observer and face up to any problematic behaviors. Put a team in place, including a counselor for the kids and extended family, to protect them. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Kids are easily manipulated and will protect the abusive parent in many cases.

B&W

[picturelady]

Blackandwhite, I can't thank you enough for this!  Have you ever considered writing a book from this perspective?  This is incredibly helpful and affirms what I am trying to do now in separating from my h and creating my own loving, stable, predictable home environment.  The things you alluded to in your post are all so familiar to me, even though my uBPDh is very high-functioning and able to "hold it together" at his high-tech job. 
Recently when my h took the kids on a short trip, I asked him to be sure to get them food at mealtimes.  He acted insulted.  Then on Saturday he took our 16-yr-old to a movie,  they were gone prior to and during supper time, and my son arrived home at 9:30.  When I asked him if he had eaten, he replied, "Oh, no, we never really talked about it."  Last night my h was picking up our 10-yr-old d from a horseback riding lesson, and our d had fallen off a horse and her foot had gotten stepped on (very painful experience!)  He was supposed to get her something to eat since I had a meeting, which he did - but wouldn't allow her to remove her boot b/c "your foot is swollen and you'll never get the boot back on."  No Tylenol, no ice, etc.  Just keep that boot on!  My d told me about the experience this morning, but then added, "It's not like Daddy wasn't taking care of me, though!"

Wish I would've known all this years ago...it's too late for my older kids who are out of the house.  They were truly traumatized by all this.  But I'm doing what I can now!  I'm moving forward and I WON"T STOP.  Getting my life back after 24 years - and it feels amazing. 
Thanks again for digging into your painful past to share these insights.   xoxox  xoxo
PictureLady

[picturelady]

PS- If you have any other thoughts on this topic, please keep sharing them!  I'll be tuning in!
 

[ennie]

Thanks again for this workshop. 

I wanted to comment on something you said "on a personal note" about how kids of BPD parents often appear "normal."  At my insistence, my partner found a therapist for his two kids, then 4 and 8.  We found someone who took the kids health insurance, had worked with people with BPD, and had worked with "blended families."  After about 6-8 visits, she expressed increasing concern about dynamics and events we and the kids mentioned with their BPD mom, but reported that the kids were "fine" and "normal."   She told BPD mom this, and mom decided therapy was no longer necessary, particularly as the kids were returning from therapy telling her things the therapist was asking about mama's behavior. 

As their "step-parent" (their dad and I are engaged, but not yet married due to her doing all she can to delay divorce, and have lived together 2 years), I see very clearly ways the kids are developing ways of dealing with conflict and emotions and mom that are very disturbing and clearly not good for them.  Like problemfamily's family, we have 50/50 custody, and it is likely that things that have happened would not result in removing the kids from mom's custody.  Their dad (and I, to some degree) mostly feels that they need their mom and that she does provide some good stuff, and that challenging 50% custody would be very painful for the kids, would be extremely costly, particularly due to the subtlety of some of the problems, and that we might not be successful. 

It is also challenging, as all families result in some problems, and some of our problems are also great strengths.  That is not to say that one should allow clear abuse, but that a lot of BPD problems are less clear.  My personal feeling is that to the degree that the kids can learn to cope with the kinds of problems they face with mom, in some way they are better off than if she just disappeared (and of course, BPD mom is their mom, and loves them, and has rights, too, so long as she is not abusing the kids).  But the kids can only cope so much. 

It is difficult that kids appear so normal and want so much to be with mommy, due to parentification and the fact that she is their mommy, and also due to the way she constantly instills fear in them that she will die or leave if they are not totally focused on her.  It is such a powerful reward and punishment system with BPDmom--you get the sweetest, gushiest, baby love from mom if you do what she wants (which, like sugar for kids, seems delicious but is somewhat damaging over time), and if you fail to do what she wants, she threatens to die, leave, cries "you hate me!," sobs, or rages at you.  For hours. And hours. 

We are constantly weighing whether the current drama is sufficient to require my partner to gain more custody.  Blackandwhite, your comments on my posts have been so useful over the years, but it is still heartwrenching every time.  We want to wait until we move into the house I have been building for 4 years--two weeks to go!  And until we are married--we plan to wed in june, as we have very low cash flow due to costs of finalizing divorce and building.  He would get custody in a minute of something more obvious happened, or if the kids wanted not to be with mama.  On the positive side, BPD mom has not attempted suicide, does not cut or inflict regular pain on herself (she occasionally hits herself hard when mad); she does show love to the kids and attends school events, volunteers in class, brings them to activities, and right now, does live in the house of an older lady who is a really good influence in terms of neatness an structure (we, in the midst of building, are lees neat right now). 

On the negative side, mama gets upset and rages at other adults in front of the kids on a regular basis.  The adults they have come to love and trust whom their mom brings into the home become "evil" in their mom's eyes, and the kids are never allowed to see them again.  Mama pinches the kids when she is really angry, and washes SD5's mouth out with soap.  Mama says "you hate me!" and says she wants to die or leave if the kids express love for us or have any problem with mama's behavior.  Mama is very erratic as a parent, happy one day, negligent another, angry, then in bed "sick" for days.  The kids sleep with her, which in addition to other problems, makes it hard for the kids to get to sleep without cuddling when they are at our house.  It also means that every week we have to teach them appropriate boundaries again.  No, they cannot sleep with us.  If they have a nightmare, they can call us or come wake us up, but they will go back into their beds and, with a little cuddling, be put to bed on their own. 

It seems like it is always tricky walking a line between being nurturing in a way that gives them a sense of stability while their mama uses too intimate and invasive ways of nurturing, so they expect to get that.  When SD5 was three and four, she always wanted to nurse with me, and had a really hard time understanding that was not okay. 

In sum, I know the kids are being subjected to mild physical "abuse,"  (sorry, skip!) in that they are being pinched and some mildly inappropriate things have happened--nursing three years after being weaned at mama's request, etc--and that some degree of negligence is happening, erratically.  Not enough to make the kids smell bad or look dirty (we live in the woods, so they look much dirtier HERE!), but enough so  their self esteem is hurt.  They are mostly late to school, kept home because of mom's state of mind or health regularly, made to miss recitals and performances, etc.  The result is that I see the kids' confidence slipping, see them dealing with situations in a less honest way, and see them in emotional pain.  Some if this is just the reality of their lives, because their mom IS their mom; some of it might be cured by us getting more custody if that was possible, and some of it can really be worked on by us staying consistent and positive. 

Right now, we are struggling with how to deal with SD9 telling mama she hates us, telling us she loves us, telling mama every possible thing that might be negative that happens here and nothing happy, when she seems so happy and positive when she is with us and returns from mom's depressed.  You can see her on the day she goes back to mom's adjusting her affect to "down," even if all week she is happy.  These things are so subtle, how do we address them when she does not want to tell us what is happening that results in these feelings?  And she also believes (or pretends to) her mom's explanations of her problems as all our fault--she is sad because she misses her mom, because of the divorce (which is daddy's fault, of course, despite her initiation), because I am mean and set too many rules, because daddy is disengaged (he is the primary caretaker 6 out of seven days, while I am off building, and one day I am with the kids while he is at work, after school).  So if you ask the kids what is up, the miss mom, or so forth.  Mostly, though, with us they are just kids and get to play and have fun and are happy. 

Thanks, b&w. 

Ennie

[blackandwhite]

Ennie,

I wanted to comment on something you said "on a personal note" about how kids of BPD parents often appear "normal."  At my insistence, my partner found a therapist for his two kids, then 4 and 8.  We found someone who took the kids health insurance, had worked with people with BPD, and had worked with "blended families."  After about 6-8 visits, she expressed increasing concern about dynamics and events we and the kids mentioned with their BPD mom, but reported that the kids were "fine" and "normal."   She told BPD mom this, and mom decided therapy was no longer necessary, particularly as the kids were returning from therapy telling her things the therapist was asking about mama's behavior. 

That's a tragedy and I'm sorry to hear it. These situations certainly aren't easy.

I do have a vision, and that's a society where this illness is well understood and recognized, sufferers are supported and given many resources to improve, and their children live in safe, loving homes and are given tools to cope with the damage already done. Others would take care of the person with BPD; the child would have a chance to be...a kid. Contact with the BPD parent would be designed to meet the children's needs, not the parent's.

We're pretty far from that vision. For now, there's no perfect resolution; all we can do is try within our power to help kids in these no-win situations. I was just reading in Healing the Shame That Binds You something relevant, "When a child is abandoned through neglect, abuse, or enmeshment, there is outrage over the hurt and pain. Children need their pain validated. They need to be shown how to discharge their feelings. They need time to do the discharge work and they need support. An abandoned child [emotionally abandoned through neglect, abuse, or enmeshment or physically abandoned] would not necessarily become shame-based if there was a nourishing ally who could validate his pain and give him time to resolve it..."

Keep being a "nourishing ally," ennie. It's making an enormous difference.  xoxo

B&W

[meridian]

B& W,

Thank you for this worshop topic.  I hear a lot about UBPD mom's but not Dad"s.  Why is that?  I see many UBPD walking around and very high functioning with lots of money so no one questions them.  Those are the ones that hurt and abuse childern.  I know that is my Dad.  I have limited his contact with my son.  Not only is he a UBPD but then he married one.  What a nightmare! 

I am working toward financial freedom so that I can be done with him and have nothing to him at all.  Honestly, I have cried, screamed and wished him dead more times than I can count.  I feel like when he finally does die I will feel relieved.  That's what these people leave their adult childern feeling.  I truly hate him most days and other days I act like he is not in my life.  I truly think these people should be castrated and never have the ability to be near childern.

My father's sister is also affected by BPD.  I have had no relationship with her for over 10 years.  We saw her this summer at my Dad's house and she had the nerve to ask me to begin a realtionship with her.  I quickly, answered her NO!  I truly did not care about her feelings at all.  All I thought was that I had to protect myself and my son.  I just wish I could manage my anger better.  I find myself crying a lot and wish I could just get on with my life and stop devoting so much time to this BPD stuff.  I really want to move on.  When does it end.  Thank you. ?

Meridian

[blackandwhite]

I just wish I could manage my anger better.  I find myself crying a lot and wish I could just get on with my life and stop devoting so much time to this BPD stuff.  I really want to move on.  When does it end.

Meridian,

I hear such a cry of pain in your post. It is a terrible legacy, breeding so much suffering.   Wanting to work on your anger and move past this legacy are very worthy goals. It can be done, with work. Below, I'm pasting in some resources for working on ourselves.  xoxox

B&W

Books for Working on Ourselves

The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Your Anger: Dynamic Tools for Healthy Relationships
People who cope with BPD family members are often left with a legacy of anger--underexpressed, overexpressed, or coming out at the wrong time. This book helps you to become more observant and intentional in your handling of anger, so it no longer controls you.

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Not just for women, this book is a priceless source for information on triangulation, and how anger and other bad feelings are passed from person to person. Although not explicitly about BPD, adult children of BPD parents will recognize family dynamics and get clearer on how a BPD family member can create chaos in other family relationships.

The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
The genogram concept is extremely helpful to seeing family patterns across generations--where you fit in and how you can act to stop perpetuating an unhealthy legacy of personality disordered or other unhealthy behavior.

Codependent No More
This book will help anyone who is thinking or feeling responsible for other people, feel it is your responsibility to help other people solve their problems, feel needy people are always attracted to you, and feeling unappreciated or used; or you have weak boundaries with the people in your life; you have dependency issues; poor communication; and low self-worth.


Articles for Working on Ourselves

Article: Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You

Article: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Article: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

Article: Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

Article: On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Treatment Therapy

[meridian]

B&W,

Thank you.  It helps to have someone understand how hard it is to get through all of this emotionally.  I am really angery  and depressed and everything.  It comes and goes.  When things are bad in one category it is worse in all categories.  When do you kind of even out?  I read all the articles you suggested and some were very helpful and true.  I think it helped.  We non's just don't have a high tolerance for pain and disappointment.  I know I lived my whole childhood under a constant state of anxiety and waiting for the next thing to happen.  I want all of this to change.  I don't want the rest of my life to be like this.  Thank you.

Meridian

[blackandwhite]

Hi again meridian,

I am really angery  and depressed and everything.

That's not unusual. Have you had treatment for the depression? It clouds your thinking and makes everything harder. If you haven't, I'd urge you to speak to a doc and also get some counseling. this is often a process you need to work one on one as well as with others (here, for example). You can post more about what you're experiencing at the "coping with relatives" board and also at the personal inventory board at http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0.

I wish I could make all the pain go away, meridian. It's just something all of us have to work on, bit by bit. It can get better; I know from experience. We're here for you.  xoxox

B&W

[meridian]

B& W,

Thank you for your concern.  I do not take western medications and yes I have a T that I have been with for five years.  He has been great and has gotten me this far.  I think sometimes everything gets to me more than other times.  I guess it is the nature of this diease.  I think my major issue is that I am still tied to him fiancially but I am working on a plan to get out from under that.  I am trying to go back to school and get a PA.  I think once he does not have power over me anymore I will feel a lot better.  I appreciate your advice and respect your opinions.  I think I will feel better when I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Thank you.

Meridian 

[Druyan33]

So often the case, children do not have the courage or opportunity to talk to someone about mental illness issues in the family.

•   Leaving young children unable to care for themselves alone, or effectively alone (through excessive sleeping, drug or alcohol abuse, or other distracting addictive behaviors like spending a great deal of time online, texting, or gambling).
•   Leaving older children unsupervised for stretches of time beyond their age and development level. For example, a mature 10-year-old can probably spend some unsupervised time alone but should not spend an entire day alone or have the sole care of younger children.
•   Physical abuse—beating, punching, kicking, pinching, slapping, hair pulling, burning, etc.
•   Locking a child in a room or other space. Locking a child out of the house.
•   Singling out one child as “bad” or for particular punishments.
•   Expecting children to care for parents instead of the other way around.
•   Threatening or injuring a child’s pet.
•   Abusing one child in front of another.
•   Not supplying adequate food, clothing, shelter, rest, or schooling. For example, a parent who is very depressed may not prepare regular meals. Children are sometimes told to stay home from school to care for a parent or to clean the house to help the parent out.
•   Failing to provide medical care. This might be brushing off an injury or ignoring a fever or signs of a chronic illness.
•   Failing to provide a safe home environment. Exposing a child to risks, such as risk of fire (smoking while intoxicated) or sexual abuse (bringing home strangers for risky sexual encounters).
•   Inconsistent parenting, sometimes being very loving and taking care of a child’s needs, other times ignoring or punishing, switching for no apparent reason.
•   Excessive chores. Providing a sense of responsibility through age appropriate chores is good parenting, but if the child is required to do chores for long periods of time or beyond his or her capability, that is too much.
•   Punishing a child by destroying or giving away his or her possessions.
•   Invasions of privacy (not caretaking), such as taking the bathroom door of the hinges so the child cannot have privacy while bathing or using the toilet.
•   Sexual abuse.
•   Relentless criticism, including telling a child he or she is “evil,” “bad,” “just like [someone the parent hates],” “worthless,” and so on.

WOW. This list list is like 99.9% my childhood. It is so eye opening. It's easy to get to the point where because you want a "mom" so badly you convince yourself "it wasn't that bad" or "she did the best she could". I realize that it was that bad and that she didn't do the best she could. The words in quotes are HER thoughts in my head, not MINE...

[Druyan33]

On the idea of abused children appearing "normal"...I can definitely relate to this. No one knew anything was as wrong as it was. I didn't dare tell anyone for fear of the punishment. Family members I have spoken with to ask about my early childhood (don't remember most of it) say that while there were weird things & they noticed she was off, they never would have guessed I was being physically abused. I would strongly suggest if you even have and inking that something is off or weird, do not leave your child alone with a BPD parent. Speaking as one of those children, I often wondered why if people felt she was off, why didn't they DO SOMETHING? Why didn't the neighbors do anything? Why was she being protected by dad and not me? Those kinds of thoughts don't go away. They are just as difficult to deal with as the actual abuse. Really try to see the  |> for what they are...

[Jbird]

I am so glad this popped back up it is very timely right now in my life. These are the kind of things that are so helpful around this site.

[goldstar]

Thank you B&W -- this is a big issue I have in my life. I worry about my kids and how their dad's behavior will effect them.

I mostly worry about the two youngest, because they have to spend time with him. It's not quite a 50/50 split -- I have an extra day a week.

He's not outward abusive (except on one occasion). It's mostly verbal. Also, it's little things. That makes it hard to say it's wrong with out being nitpicky.

But over time I think the little things can errode a child's self-esteem and sense of well being. Little things such as he putting himself first before them. He say he doesn't have any money (he makes more that $100K a year), but yet will purchase items for himself and girlfriend. He telling them he will take them to Sea World, but instead takes his girlfriend and says it wasn't fun anyway. He making my youngest give his gf a hug and say she loves her. If they disagree with him, he yells at them and says that's your mom talking or screams they need therapy.

They don't tell me much, because they don't want me to confront him. So they protect him. I've told them that they are allowed their own thoughts and feelings. I have to be really careful what I say so that it doesn't appear that I'm badmouthing him.

I just pray that this doesn't effect them in their futures.  I want them to know that they are important and that they matter and sometimes it feels like every time they come back from their dad's we are back to square one.

[ennie]

I am writing because I have been really noticing over the past year both how BPD mom impacts the kids  (SD 6 and SD10 to me) and also how some of the work we have done to work on self esteem stuff with them has helped. 

In reading "the Borderline Mother" the by Christine Ann Lawson. something clicked.  I do not see the BPD mom in the kids' lives as being strictly one of the types she outlines, but the dynamic described with the "waif" mother fits.  Mothers' message is that life is too hard.  She threatens suicide to minor emotional problems, gets the kids to be her caretaker, babies and indulges them, does not make them do anything that would add hardship for her (irregular homework, skipping things that would require mom to drive, etc), is sometimes verbally abusive but mostly uses victimized language. 

I have seen the impact on the kids' self-esteem over time, and also on their immune systems. They are pretty happy kids who seem to have pretty decent self-esteem.  SD10 has learning disabilities, but the most potent "disability" seems to be that she just gets emotionally overwhelmed when with her mom and then cannot focus on school at all.  Her brain just shuts off when her mom is having a hard time, which is often. She has a lot of anxiety about her mom, wants to be with her when mom is crazy.  When mom is doing okay, she is happy being away from mom.  As SD10 has begun to differentiate and separate from her mom, she has become alternately more enmeshed and craving independence.  Mom has also been evicted in the past year and does not want to get a job, so she living with a friend and kids are sleeping in the same bed.  This creates a lot of enmeshment and also idealization of toddler years, which was the last time they slept with mom. 

SD10 has become decreasingly trusting of her ability to perform in school.  The funny thing is, she tests as having a very high IQ and when she is not overhwelmed, she performs very well.  Then she feels great self esteem. 

SD6 seems to feel very good at school and good at things.  SD10 was BPD mom's favorite up until recently.  She is fearful her mom does not love her, or might leave.  But she knows she is loved by her dad and me . Recently, she became her mom's favorite and is not exhibiting more of the signs of reduced self esteem but also more clinging to mom. 

I have experienced one of the biggest challenges for SD10 is how out of control things feel to her.  How powerless she feels.  Mom is constantly telling the kids they are moving to another state and that mom will get full custody.  But the reality is that mom and dad share 50/50 custody.  Mom has never attempted to get more custody.  Meanwhile, mom seems to move a lot and change in more challenging ways. 

SD6 has started to echo some of this frustration of not knowing what is happening.  She says, "Mommy says that we are living with her, you say something different, I do not know WHO to believe." 

With SD10, we dealt with her frustration over her powerlessness to live where she wants to live, or to even know what her mom REALLY plans, by acknowledging her feeling of powerlessness, and by talking about ways of seeking power that do not feel good versus ones that do feel good. 

We talked over time about ways of creating power that feel good and help you.  We gave her various options for activities that she could be in charge of and work toward.  One was designing and building a tree fort.  That was about a year and a half ago.  The tree fort is about 5/6 done.  SD10 has worked on it consistently.  It has walls and a roof and got a window this week. 

Over the past year, I have seen her become increasingly clear that she CAN do what she sets out to do, that it takes commitment and focus, and in her words "not freaking out when someone tells you 'no', just trying to figure out what you can do that will make it work for them to help you."  She seems confident in a way that may just be innate to her, but feels like we have helped her to get that she IS CAPABLE. 

She also has more and more tried to make her sister things when her sister is having a hard time, or to help her sister get wheat she needs.  I feel this has really shifted things for her. 

We helped her make a swing for herself and we let her play on it when she has 'time outs.'  We have focused on time outs being a time to take a deep breath and to take care of yourself when you are really upset, to take a break and come back when you are more full emotionally.  SD10 has a really hard time taking time away from the thick of it...she wants to argue her point and melt down emotionally...like mom...rather than disconnecting and coming back to it later.  She has really grown into using time outs herself.  She often will ask to swing when she is having a hard time, or to ask for some down time, sometimes with her dad or me.  I really feel like the tools we have given her have helped. 

I see SD6 going through her self-esteem issues, differently than her sister.  But I hope we can continue to provide tools for both kids to find in themselves the resources to deal with the places of despair and the victimized approach their mom provides to them .