TOOLS: How can we forgive ourselves?

[LionDreamer]

How can we forgive ourselves?

“Why it is so hard to implement for yourself what you know is the best thing to do when you give advice to others?" ~ Better Tomorrow, February 20, 2010

“Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.” ~Wilfred Peters, 1961

Much has been written about forgiving the people who have hurt us or who are causing us pain.  But there is very little written about forgiving ourselves.   This workshop is not about forgiving our abusers or those who didn’t protect us but about forgiving ourselves.  It’s about learning to silence that voice that berates us inside our own heads.  Many of us here on the “coping with relatives” board have experienced abuse, often as children.  And everyone in a BP environment knows and understands what is means to live in “toxic chaos.”   Children will often take on the burden of the troubles of their lives.  It is so easy and common for children to believe:  

• “If only I hadn’t behaved badly, my mother wouldn’t have had to hit me.”
• “If only I was quieter, my father wouldn’t have needed to drink.”
• “If only I was a better child, my parents could have loved me.”

 
To put it simply, we learn the patterns of beating ourselves up.  

As we grow up, we learn that what happened to us isn’t our fault but still we often carry that burden of guilt and shame built on the foundation that somehow this all happened because we deserved it or we did something wrong.  And those patterns of beating ourselves up for things we don’t cause and can’t stop become all the harder to change.  And then when we really do mess up, we tend to beat ourselves up all the harder, even though making mistakes is part of being human and we all make mistakes at times.  

In this workshop, we will discuss:

• What are the red flags that we are harboring inner guilt, or that we are beating ourselves up needlessly?
• What are the red flags that we are being overcritical of ourselves?
• How do we learn to recognize these red flags and how do we learn to forgive ourselves?

   
For none of us need to be carrying around the burden of such guilt.  

The purpose of this workshop is to explore these questions.  If any of you have some stories or techniques you have used to forgive yourself please share with us.   Also please feel free to share any stories you have where you did something you felt was wrong and how you were able to forgive yourself.  

[kkriesel]

This topic couldn't come at a better time for me.  I only feel guilt in relation to my ubpdm (at this point in life, at least) when I feel like I'm proving her right.  This happened today - she said that I didn't want to stay at her place after taking care of the errands there I needed to do.  As soon as she said that, it was true; I tried to change the subject and, when she repeated her statement, I politely left.  Before I made it out the door, she lectured me a bit about my student loans.

Now I feel a lot of guilt over both my financial situation and over proving her right.  There is nothing more I can do about my financial situation (this is my therapist talking) and I know, now, that I don't need to stick around someone who tries to make me feel lousy. 

It seems to me that I've accomplished the biggest step: leaving when she tries to make me as miserable as she is.  Her feelings aren't my responsibility.  But I feel like I'm being controlled whether I stay or leave since she predicts that I'll leave - the guilt is the control.

[random]

This is such a great workshop. I struggle with guilt and self-criticism so much. I'll have to go mull it over a bit. It seems that so much of the pain we struggle with feeds into itself, so that it's all one self-administering network: guilt -> worthlessness -> fear of punishment -> feeling undeserving -> guilt over being such an undeserving person -> worthlessness -> fear -> helplessness -> guilt, all of those things strengthening each other.

Just naming what's happening helps already.

[BMama]

It is a vicious cycle.
Thank you for starting this, LD.

I'm going to be watching to see where I maybe can leap in and help and get help on this.

 xoxox

[better tomorrow]

I have spent many hours wondering what I could have done different, what I could have don to make my uBPDmom see my needs or see me, why I was in the wrong place in life, why I had not been more true to myself, why I did not know who I really was etc etc.

One night, several years ago now, I was out walking late at night in the town where I lived then, and walking down one small street I suddenly realized something. It was such a big life-changing insight to me, that I can still remember the moment although it is more than 10 years ago; where I was walking, what it felt like and looked like. And the thing I realized was this:

Knowing the way the human mind works, and knowing that I have always done the best i could, I suddenly realized that
put in the same circumstances, with the same options, being the same person I was at the time of the choice, I would make the same choices all over again because it was the best I could do then. No matter if I could re-live my life I would have to do the same choices, because they were the best for me at that time! And my life right now is the result of all my choices, of all those times that I did he best I could. And if I continue to do my best that is enough, and will bring me to what is the best for ME.

And it was such a relief to feel that I could not have done different considering my knowledge, experience and actual options. And whenever I feel guilty or bad today I can remember that moment and that insight, and it helps me to accept the present situation as it is. Because it is as good as it can be, and that is enough.
 

[random]

What's been helping me most recently is two things:
1. Simply noticing when feelings and thoughts that are very harsh and negative come up. Just to notice is a huge part of the battle because these things are so internalized and habitual, they are now unconscious.
2. Trying to think and act the opposite as much as possible. Like, if I am doing something hard, I mentally pat myself on the back. Praise myself when I do something well. Think things like, "you had a tough and busy day. Now do something to help yourself relax and rest up."

The more kind thoughts you have towards yourself, the less room and processor power goes to the negative ones.

I find if I try to argue with the negative ones or "dissuade" them, it's about as effective as dissuading Momster from the position that I am a bad person: not at all, the thoughts just come on stronger. I end up spending days arguing with myself in circles, and all it does is give me a headache.

[random]

Also please feel free to share any stories you have where you did something you felt was wrong and how you were able to forgive yourself. 

I did a couple of things in the last three years that I feel were huge mistakes. I've done a lot of crying and beating myself up over them. I am starting to move on from that, even though it's tough going.

Mistake one was quitting a perfectly good full-time job at a perfectly good ad agency, to work freelance, and then turning down a job offer from another to take an art study sabbatical.

How I am starting to forgive myself: I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. First, I felt less financially vulnerable because I was strongly connected with Momster and felt that I had a safety net I could count on. Second, I was trying to protect myself when I quit. When I left my job, the agency was starting to turn into a sweatshop, and there were some ugly politics brewing. On top of that, I wanted to have periods of downtime when I could focus on my art practice.

For a couple of years, the freelancer/contractor work format worked very well for me. I feel too vulnerable for it now, and want the security of a permanent job with benefits, but that doesn't mean it was a stupid decision, or that I made it frivolously.

Mistake two was doing the study sabbatical on credit, and now being up to my ears in debt I won't be able to pay off in full.

How I am starting to forgive myself: I may have gone about it the wrong way, but I was trying to honour something that is really important to me. And again, when I made that decision, I hadn't yet separated from Momster and did not know just how financially vulnerable it would leave me. AND I was also listening to all the arguments Momster was making, to spur me on to do it, and while it was a mistake to do that, I was doing the best I could in the face of sneaky, well-disguised emotional abuse and constant manipulation.

Finally, one strategy I learned from my CBT counsellor is, OK. Admit you made a mistake. What did you learn and what will you do differently in the future? When I started to think this way, I realized it gave me power back. I can't change my past mistakes. But I CAN change what I do from now on!

[BMama]

Very good, Random.
It's almost akin to a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" type thing, right?
Hindsight is always 20/20, for one.  And for two...hindsight in the far off future will view your decisions much more kindly than you even have here. 
 

[AFinallyFreeWoman]

Forgive myself?  What's that?  Okay...in all honesty, this is my absolute worst problem in my life.  I haven't found a way to forgive myself yet for something I did when I was 7. 

I feel like the only kid in class who forgot to do their homework...

I'm going to be paying a lot of attention to this thread.  I'd love to see how other people have found ways to forgive themselves. 

[LionDreamer]

kkreisel, I think you brought up an interesting point that guilt can be a trigger that makes it’s easy for us blame ourselves for the abuse as if we are at fault for the unhappiness of someone else.   For many of you this will be a reminder of what it means to be in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)  Understanding how these emotions effect us, control us, hurt us is an important first step toward clearer thinking.  Below is a link to our workshop on FOG
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0


Random and better tomorrow both made the excellent point that self knowledge is an important factor in self-forgiveness.  You both basically said:  “I did the best I could under the circumstances I was dealing with at the time.” You’ll be happy to know that Confucius agrees with you.  He said much the same:  "the more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself."

Random you also made an excellent point that admitting to our own mistakes and working to prevent ourselves from repeating those mistakes is a powerful way to regain ones sense of an unwounded self.  Yes, we can’t change the past but we can affect the future.   Random, I also think it is important that you honored something important to you and perhaps even more important that you recognize it. 

BMama, I have to say I don’t agree with you that hindsight is always 20/20.  I think very often that we have to go back to situations that were painful and work to “remember” how hard we tried.   But I do think you are right on in pointing out that hindsight in the future will judge us far more kindly than we do ourselves. 

AFinallyFreeWoman:  I think you will find many of us here who never did their homework (and I can tell you my son never did his!)

To review here are some steps to self-forgiveness:

1)   Recognizing when we are in FOG
2)   Remembering ourselves when we did the very best we could under extremely difficult circumstances.
3)   Learning to know thyself
4)   Admitting to your own mistakes
5)   Honoring what is important to you
6)   Recognizing that the future will be judging us more kindly than we do ourselves so we can work to bring the future closer, faster.

Now that we are beginning to lay out some of the steps lets focus on some of the other key questions:
What are the red flags that we are beating ourselves up needlessly?  How do we know when we are harboring inner guilt?  

For myself, a red flag that I am beating myself up is that I can’t stop thinking about an incident.  When I can recognize that my mind is moving in circles I have to just stop and figure out what is underlying the incident.  Usually if I can find the trigger that made me feel like I had done something stupid (which makes me feel ashamed) or I had been inattentive to someone else’s needs (which makes me feel guilty) then I can work out a plan to make it better such as speak to the person I may have hurt or ask myself, “if someone else had done this, would I have thought their actions were stupid?” and that answer is almost always no. 

[pooh2]

Love this thread.  This is a HUGE problem for me.  I think, as children, we actually feel safer believing that we are responsible or "at fault."  If we caused the reaction or our momster then we must have at least a little control, right?  I think it's the child struggling to feel that there must be some way of controlling the situation.  

Now, unfortunately, it is completely automatic and reflexive.  I often feel bad on top of it because I feel that I am trying to make the situation "all about me" which sounds very narcissistic.  When you realize the origin of the reaction, you realize it is not as much narcissistic as a survival strategy.

I have made very, very little headway with this one.  Mostly I feel responsible for taking care of everyone and keeping everyone happy...  like I used to do for my momster.  If they are happy, I will be safe.  If they are not happy...  oh boy!  

So, I often feel responsible for people's bad feelings or problems.  It's so exhausting.  

[BMama]

You are right, LD.  Always is much too strong of a term to use.  Hindsight can give us the ability to see more clearly if we have to tools to allow ourselves to do so.  That work better?   

[anker]

I gave a baby up for adoption when I was a teen. I am glad not to have kids and have no interest in being a parent never have. But I think that I've been punishing myself...I was with an alcoholic and abusive guy at that time...I think I still have guilt about not being parental or about not wanting kids. And I think my bad relatiinships have been a way of punishing myself.


I haven't forgiven myself for that and also haven't forgiven myself for choosing abusive partners. So I punish myself more then I feel bad about that and on and on...its a vicious cycle...

This thread ... I'm following it closely. Between this and the positive entitlement thread I've had a lot of breakthroughs on this board lately! Thanks

[blackandwhite]

Thanks for this workshop, LionDreamer, and to all who have participated so far. Interesting and perhaps relevant quote, from Overcoming Traumatic Stress: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques, by Claudia Herbert and Ann Wetmore:

In your attempts to create meaning from what has happened, in other words, to make sense of what was senseless, there is a danger that you will develop a heightened degree of self-blame, holding yourself responsible for a tragedy over which you have no control...Frequently, the standard of behavior we expect from ourselves in this respect far exceeds what we would expect from any other human being.

The habit of self-blame, "making sense of what was senseless," forms in childhood and then we carry it forward. The self-blame is there when we're not actually at fault and also when we are at fault, perhaps in the extreme ("standard of behavior we expect from ourselves...far exceeds...").

LionDreamer asked:

What are the red flags that we are beating ourselves up needlessly?  How do we know when we are harboring inner guilt?   

She mentions circular thought patterns. Random mentions noticing the thoughts and bringing them to consciousness. There's definitely a script in there for me. Red flags would be:

Noticing in my self-talk if I use certain words ("stupid" is a good one  )
A specific feeling of shame, very physical, like the feeling of blushing (like a red tide sweeping through me)
Talking to myself. Usually I do this silently, but I don't always withhold the gestures. 
Avoidance. If I avoid a certain train of thought but have it circle back unbidden or avoid a particular person or situation. Sometimes I avoid things for other reasons (PTSD triggers and also normal reasons!), but avoidance can be a  for guilt.

B&W

[healinghome]

just wanted to add that its a common belief that children in abusive situations blame themselves as a way to try to maintain some control in the situation. i don't personally believe this.  i think its a case of we feel love and trust for them naturally as our mothers and believe them.  sadly due to their warped reality they don't love, trust us or have our best interests at heart.  i think its the denial of that reality that is so painful and unnatural to accept and in trying to make sense of such an unnatural behaviour, we believe that we must have done something wrong to cause it. we have done nothing wrong.  we are good people who had bad parents.

in fact the reason they had us was to create hostages to vent all their anger and sickness onto.  so the sickness was there long before we were, and now i am nc with ubp/npdm her sickness continues with my sisters.  how could it be our fault?  how could we be guilty of anything?

[Backtome09]

I beat myself up for lots of things. I knew even before I knew what was wrong with foo that their negative comments have ruined many a "good day" for me. I internalized the negative comments and beat myself up FOR them even when they were miles away and I was LC.

I was a work-a-holic because I just had to be perfect with everything in my life. I was never thin enough, fit enough, rich enough, happy enough, smart enough, etc. Like my uBPD mother was sitting on my shoulder through my life coaching me to self-destruct so she could have a good laugh.

Stress induced illnesses pop up whenever I am overcritical and over anxious about any scenario. Worst was when my sibling passed away and I was at the scene. I felt guilt (still do sometimes) that I couldn't "bring him back". That guilt nearly killed me with ulcers and weight gain. Then I stayed too long in a relationship when it grew toxic. Beat myself up pretty darn good for years.

I had to analyze and overanalyze the situation until I realized his death wasn't my fault. Neither is my foo's BPD my fault. How I REACT to these problems is my real concern. It's not what happens to you that counts. It's how you come out of it that counts.

[AFinallyFreeWoman]

ask myself, “if someone else had done this, would I have thought their actions were stupid?” and that answer is almost always no. 

This really speaks to me because I hadn't put myself in someone elses shoes before and looked at myself from an outside point of view. 

When a friend of mine was murdered by her boyfriend of 1 year, I blamed myself for years for not protecting her because I knew her boyfriend for about 3 or 4 years and knew he was violent.  If I took a minute to look at myself from an outside point of view, I would have realized that anyone else in my position would've did what I had done.  He threatened to kill his ex-girlfriend of 10 years a few times in front of me and I thought he was going to kill her so I protected her.  I was looking almost in the opposite direction because I thought his anger was still pointed at his ex.  Anyone would have thought the same thing I did.

I finally did put the responsibility where it belonged a few years after it happened.  I blamed myself as if I were completely responsible and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I didn't kill her, he did.  He was the one responsible for the heartache and pain of the people who loved her.  Not me...

[Cordelia]

I have been reading lately about how to change one's actions and attitudes, and read that while we cannot control what comes into our minds, we can control what we return to and think about deliberately.  I thought this was very freeing, and have begun to put it into practice with anger - if someone irritates me, I immediately react with anger, but then I have a choice, whether to continue to think about that situation and let it make me more angry or whether to think about something else - the weather, what I will have for dinner tonight, anything else.  That might be something to put into practice with self-forgiveness too - if we start thinking how lazy and selfish we are or whatever, we can let those thoughts go and replace with with positive thoughts as random and BMama suggest - how we will do things differently in the future or just positive self-talk about how we have good intentions and generally try very hard to do the right thing, and so on.  It might be helpful to have permission to have these thoughts - because the truth is we cannot completely control  what thoughts come into our heads - but also a plan for what to do when these thoughts are damaging.  The truth is everyone has damaging thoughts, everyone has a part of themselves that is self-destructive, and the problem is that our parents let that part of themselves roam wild rather than demonstrating strategies for not letting those impulses get in the way of how we really want to live our lives. 

[Backtome09]

salome, great post

[LionDreamer]

I want to thank everyone who is participating for your thoughtful and important contributions:

We are getting a strong list of red flags that can alert us to when we are beating ourselves up needlessly:

Pooh2 pointed out about how we seek to control our environment and as a survival mechanism we often take the blame for troubles onto ourselves.

Anker spoke about how she punished herself through bad relationships.

B&W brought the issues of self-talk, that red tide of shame, talking to self and avoidance.

Backtome09 used work-a-holism and seeking to be perfect.  She also referred to self-induced illness.

AFinallyFreeWoman took responsibility for the actions of someone else.

Healing home, I love your validation statement:  “We have done nothing wrong.  We are good people who had bad parents.”  I will add this onto the first list - steps to stop the beating up process.   I know with my own alcoholic father, I remember feeling very clearly that if only I was somehow a better daughter or a better person or could do things better then he wouldn’t need to drink.  It took me well into my 30s even 40s to grow into knowing that I had no part in his drinking, that it was his choice and his alone.   

Salome also presented with a really good strategy for learning to turn around this vicious cycle; taking control when negative thoughts come into our minds and replacing them with positive thoughts.   

To put the red flags into a list:
People pleasing (and the extension of making ourselves into doormats for someone else)
Setting ourselves up in bad relationships (and the extension is setting ourselves up for failure)
Using negative self-talk
Feeling that red blush of shame
Talking to oneself
Avoiding a situation
Work-a-holism (and the extension of any addiction)
Self-induced illness
Taking responsibility for the actions of someone else or of something that we had no control over.

I am going to ask the questions again to see if we can add to our lists:

What are the red flags that we are beating ourselves up needlessly?  (2nd list)

What steps can we take when we notice ourselves engaging in beating up thinking?  (1st list)

Lion Dreamer