WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?

[Think About It...]

[BPDFamily]

[JoannaK]

If you are participating in a therapeutic separation... You are encouraged to post on this board to develop relationship skills.  Your personal inventory, however,should be posted on the Personal Inventory board.

If you are in toxic gridlock... meaning that you have given up trying to work with your partner and/or find it pointless please post on the Leaving or Undecided boards.

Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

Please do not  take sides in couples disputes or seek to have other members to agree, support and defend your position in your relationship disputes. We are not victims and this board is not about right and wrong.  This will only serve to polarize matters in your real life and make resolution further out of reach.

Please do not urge participants to exit the relationship. Members post her to find solutions to difficult relationships. People who are staying with a person with BPD need a safe place to post and get support.  We can't help and support people if they aren't here. Please allow them the opportunity. The people posting here are with the BPD person in their life and have made a commitment to stay (at least for now) and make the best of it.  They are interested in learning tools of validation, communication, etc., to help improve the relationship.  

Please don't urge somebody to "run" as that isn't what people want to hear if they are posting on Staying.  If someone posts something that is alarming because they are describing serious abuse towards themselves or abuse towards children, it is appropriate to urge them to seek legal or medical help.  If you see posters violating this guideline, please feel free to notify a staff member.  It is acceptable to mention the difficulties of staying, but comments such as "Run and don't look back.  Look at my life - don't make the same mistake.  You are wasting your time.  You should leave now" are not appropriate on this board.

[Steph]

 When we say we need to change ourselves, we mean...We need to make ourselves healthy again.

We learn to communicate effectively..

We learn to set limits and define our own boundaries..and we learn to enforce them.

We learn to walk away from emotional dysregulation

We learn to allow the person with BPD their own feelings and lives and we allow the same for us

We stop trying to micromanage them, we stop trying to manipulate our lives to avoid unpleasent episodes, we allow them the space and time to regulate their emotions and we do the same for ourselves.

 All of these things get us back on the track for emotional well being and also can greatly improve our relationships.

We certainly understand and support those that do choose to leave, yet this board is where we learn skills that  can improve us AND our relationships.

Steph

[Mariposa]

I'm glad you pointed out about people saying you should run...I'm a new-ish member and when I first posted on here, I got someone saying that things are only going to get worse for me and that I should leave now!

I was so upset and even scared by the comments that I got, because up until then I had every faith that with a LOT of work, talking, understanding and communication things will be ok, even through the bad days! I spent the next few days really worrying about what I should do!

I am determined to stick my relationship out and my BPD partner knows his faults and has been in DBT theropy for the last 2 years, and the guys comments really made me feel quite angry as my partner does everything to help himself. Not all BPD sufferers are the same and my partner acknowledges his illness and talks to me about it a lot.

Anyway, the point being, advice such as I was given is upsetting and of no use what so ever! I'm all for fully supporting anyone willing to stand by their BPD partners and give the best advice that I can...Rant over 

Pheebes 

[JoannaK]

Hi pheebes..

We needed to make the Staying board a "run free" board.  We understand that many people with BPD partners are determined (at least for now) to stay with those partners.  They will need help, however, and we can't help them if they have left FTF because of the negativity.

So, while we have no problem with people at other boards suggesting that someone in a problematic BPD relationship leave their partner, we make sure that doesn't happen here at Staying.  Please feel free to contact a staff member if you see violations of this guideline.

Good luck to you!

[Auspicious]

You've just read a post that is rubbing you the wrong way. Your immediate reaction might be "I disagree", or "How insensitive!" or "He doesn't know the whole story"  or "Shes wrong".  It's tempting to want to fire off a counter response ...

Facing the Facts is a lively discussion site. We have people here from all walks of life, all stages of recovery from unhealthy relationships. And maybe most importantly, all sorts of different personalities.

Posting to a discussion site is, well, an invitation to discussion. Beyond the limits set in our Guidelines, we can't dictate the kind of discussion that ensues. You are likely to encounter some posts that you don't like. If so, pause, become mindful that you are reacting, and step away from the computer.  Have a cup of coffee. Take a walk.  Pet your dog.  

As with things that the person with BPD in our life says and does, we're here to learn to be mindful and make better choices about how to handle our impules and reactions.

And similar to therapy, sometimes - not always, but sometimes - the replies that make us uncomfortable, are precisely the areas we can benefit most from exploring. We often learn from those we disagree with - if we listen.

GUIDELINES

FORUM is a collegial venue characterized by or having "authority" vested equally among colleagues/peers. Colleagues/peers in "collegial harmony" present as equals and the credibility of their positions is based solely on the quality of the position they advance in writing. Diversity is the objective

Forum is different than debate. Debate is an argument or a discussion generally ending with a vote or best decision. In debate, unity is the objective. At Facing the Facts members are discouraged from debating - arguing against others' positions, questioning the wisdom of others, or restating of their position repeatedly.


Hosting Discussions: Members are expected to be the "host" of any thread (topic) that they initiate. As a host, the member should guide the discussion to keep it on target, encourage the contribution of other members, summarize or comment on the overall information provided, and otherwise be a good host.

If, as host, you find advice from members to be emotionally triggering or if you feel misunderstood, please contact a moderator to have your thread locked.


Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread. Members shall be patient and understanding of other members that are in different stages of the learning or healing process or have different opinions that their own.

[Skip]

Coaching

It is good to step back from time to time and review the basics of coaching each other.  Are you helping or enabling?

All of us are dealing with exasperating situations in our real life.  It is our responsibility as we coach one another other to help others be more mindful--bringing matters into calm, clear and balanced focus. We are in a good position to do this becuase we are not emotionally caught up in the event or th eongoing cycle of conflict.

It is equally important to offer hope and encouragement. Validation in small doses as part of encouragement and hope is also very important.

Sometimes we lose sight of this and instead focus on validating  the member because we know they can feel very invalidated.   "Its not your fault", "you don't deserve this", "whatever you feel is right" . 

Validation as a means to compensate for the invalidation one feels in their relationship is not healthy or helpful - it's enabling.  Sure it feels good, but people with codependent or NPD tendencies (us) need to learn to improve our own self soothing--not find alternative outside sources outside of the relationship (each other). 

The danger is that "Its not your fault", "you don't deserve this", "whatever you feel is right" often  polarizes the situation at home -- takes the focus away from relationship problem solving - enables dysfunction in us as it can becomes a replacement for self soothing.

Just something to keep in mind as you help others.