5.01 | Are we victims?

[united for now]

We are the victims

Finding out that someone we care about is mentally ill is such a relief. It explains so much of the horror and confusion we have gone through. It clearly shows who’s right and who’s wrong. We now know who’s sick and who’s well. This clearly proves that we are the innocent victims in this relationship….

I would like to gently challenge that notion.

The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.   If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless.   It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. It repaints the responsibility we dodged. While it may feel good to be relieved of that responsibility, it isn’t the healthy road to take.

Our dreams and fantasies are that the pwBPD in our lives will suddenly get therapy and become “cured”.  If they were “cured”, then supposedly everything would be OK. Sadly, this dream misses a major component – us.  We too, are sick. How you may ask? Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We chose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We chose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We chose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment.  We chose to continue living there. We chose to stay in contact. These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices.  

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

[Wanda]

I will go first!

I can say this is exactly true, when i found out about my husband BPD i was releived at least i knew, i thought ok take meds get cured and on with life we go...

wrong! i had to learn to change alot in me, i learned the skills and tools, and boundaries but for me to inforce them use them wasn't easy, i stayed the victim for a while easier to just complain about my husband then to do something about it...

Then i started doing things changing me, i even which wasn't easy instead of threating to call 911 i just did, and then when i did this and started changing things and myself my husband just followed my steps... lucky for me.

  BEcause he is high functioning and doesn't beleive there is anything wrong with him, now this was 12 years ago and it didn't happen over night, it took years but things did get better. by changing what i could me... so before when yes i saw myself as a victim i do not no more i am strong and happy with me  and my husband actually laughs now also when he never did before... .

[atwittsend]

I used to be a victim.  I wont be victimized by others any more. 

[dados76]

no... i dont see myself as the victim... the fact that my partners brain gets so unmanageable for him means... i have more control in our relationship than i would w/somebody else...

im willing to do what i have to to get the needs i have met... i think thats about as in charge as anybody can be

[jardin]

No victim here either.  A few months ago, I would have felt different.  I would have thought - how can she do this, how could she say that, I've done so much, it isn't fair, I feel so sad because of all of this.  But I do realize now that was my own codependency coming through.  All those moments of defense... .of explaining... .of pleading; the arguments... .the animosity... .the confusion:  all of these were symptoms of my illness.  I don't know why or when it all 'started,' but I easily see my contribution to making us both ill or more ill.  And I see hers.  It took two of us to get here and it will take two of us to get out together, if we both so choose. 

There's something fairly empowering about that.  If I can say that I was ill... .and I can see myself working to get well... .and I can see the positive effects of that - then I feel fairly at ease maintaining hope that she can.  It doesn't mean she will, but I believe she can.  And there is health in hope, especially on days when hope is hard and requires an amount of work that may be more then required in other relationships. 

I know for me recognizing my contribution and impact has resulted in the most movement toward better days.  Understanding her has helped me understand my contribution and thus highlighted my own symptoms.  I'll never be perfect, I don't even want to try - but I know I can work through those symptoms and choose better ways.  In doing so, I change my part in the dance, which changes our dynamic.  There is a lot of comfort to be found in those changes after so many months of static sadness and conflict. 

[peacebaby]

Fantastic post, UFN! 


Peacebaby

[LifesaDance]

That's what I'm talkin' about!

No victim here. I have a part in everything in my life. Everything. My job to find out what it is and to do what needs to be done.  I learn more everyday. As a result I make better choices and enjoy life more.

[Jbird]

nope don't feel like much of a victim, sometimes I feel like I am in a really bad situation, but one that I am willing to change. I think it was Mr. Stephen R Covey that helped me start to see how we look at situations makes a huge difference and accept what you can control and what you can not!  

(ps Stephen Covey is the author of 7 habits of highly effective people) so not there but the book has helped change some of my codependant thinking!

[ifsogirl26]

My name is ifsogirl and I am recovered from being a victim!

[Jbird]

hello ifsogirl and welcome... .     feels good to say that though doesn't it

[definitemarc]

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

Well, I 'm not comfortable with the subject so I guess this is right where I need to be. I have realized that in some ways I have felt like a victim. But I've also realized that it's a dead end street. When I feel like a victim I don't feel responsible. When I don't feel responsible I don't take action. Then I'm stuck. So even though I don't want to feel responsible for accepting quite a bit of abusive treatment, I have no power, no strength, no hope of better in my life to come if I hang on to the idea that it ain't my fault; I'm a victim. I have plenty that I have yet to stand up to the plate with and the best I can, I'm keeping one foot in front of the other, better on some than others.

To me: Victim=Stuck

And I don't like being stuck. So victim?... .   Nah!

Thanks United,      xoxox

Marc

[DragoN]

Excellent thread UFN 

Well, I 'm not comfortable with the subject so I guess this is right where I need to be. I have realized that in some ways I have felt like a victim. But I've also realized that it's a dead end street. When I feel like a victim I don't feel responsible. When I don't feel responsible I don't take action. Then I'm stuck. So even though I don't want to feel responsible for accepting quite a bit of abusive treatment, I have no power, no strength, no hope of better in my life to come if I hang on to the idea that it ain't my fault; I'm a victim. I have plenty that I have yet to stand up to the plate with and the best I can, I'm keeping one foot in front of the other, better on some than others.

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices. 

Is there an enmeshment workshop yet? This is so key to breaking through the FOG and throwing up those Beautiful Boundaries.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

I agree... .was only a victim once... .after that it was a foolish choice to  try and make things better... .and blah blah blah 

CHARGE... .oh.... and unleash the hell hounds on my hubby. He's been doing much more thinking and far less drinking these last days... .it's a good thing. Short lived to be sure as it always is... .but for now... .it's nice. 

[mimirose]

great post !

thankyou

found this website after calling the police on my husband for the first time on sunday

it was like i light going on i just knew that it was me who had to changge

stop being the victim, always blaming him, feeling sorry for myself, just existing day to day confused and lost

i feel better this week than i have done in ages

[JDoe]

I will admit to feeling like a victim.  Or maybe a martyr.  After all, my husband is the one who screams and curses and threatens and throws things.  I am not perfect, but I'm sure not wild and wooly like him!

Of course, since finding out that he is mentally ill, I have been learning that I was hoping that my duck would bark and expecting God to make him bark.  After all, God doesn't make junk and hates divorce (with exceptions) and I took vows in front of God and my family/friends.  So, much like my poor mother-in-law who has been mentally and verbally and emotionally abused for 45 years by her uBPD husband, I figured that I made my bed and need to lie in it.

Hallelujah for bpdfamily.com!  It is a fact that my husband is ill.  He didn't choose to be.  I can't fix him.  I can only be the best JDoe that I can be, with God's help.  What a relief to know that the rage/silent crap has nothing to do with me, so I do not have to feel that DH is victimizing me.  I have allowed him to behave in an abusive fashion.  That is my responsibility.  Nothing else.

I am learning here, slowly and painfully, that when I preserve my self by having healthy boundaries, it can actually improve this stormy relationship and I can help DH instead of cowering and crying and asking, "Why me?"

Just typing as these things come to mind and feeling very thankful for my fellow travelers and those who have gone before and stand ahead lighting the way to a healthier future.

 to all,

JDoe

[Ikwit]

I used to be somewhat the victim, more a martyr, like someone else said.  I can quickly get into survival mode without realizing it.  I just endure without realizing I'm enduring and have a choice.  I also think I was actually more a victim of myself than of my BPDh.  I believed what he said about me and felt horrible that I couldn't make things better and that I "chose" this in the first place. I am learning that I didn't choose my h's illness, I chose him cuz he is important to me.  I have wished that I would've known at the beginning of our relationship that he would become this limited and I'd have to do all the parenting and all the household management, then I could go into it with eyes open and make a choice.  Feeling like I never had a choice, but instead got trapped by h's mental illness kept me feeling helpless. No one has a crystal ball and can anticipate mental illness that gets worse over time.  Now I know I have choices every single day.  And those choices are about me!  The freedom in this is amazing!

[Jbird]

I am in a very similiar palce Ikwit. It is amazing when we realize the choice we have huh!

[DreamGirl]

My relationship dynamic with the pwBPD in my life is a little different. She is the former wife of my husband and the mother of my stepdaughters. So I suppose that it's a lot different for me and perhaps my input is irrelevant but... .

I've felt like a victim before.

Blamed the pwBPD in my life as much as she blamed me.  There was even a point where I probably blamed her for all things wrong in my life. Thought if she could be "fixed" then I could live happily ever after. If she could just be more reasonable, if my husband could "fix" the relationship he has with her, then we could all live in perfect harmony.

But then I started realizing... .why am I so dependent on everyone around me to be "fixed"? 

For me, I was stuck in a "poor me" state of mind because of... .me.  It took realizing that she wasn't doing anything "to" or even because of me.  She is just being her, trying to make herself feel better... .which I used to think the only way she could do this was to make the rest of us feel bad. That is until I could change my outlook and perception to see that I don't have to feel bad... .and I believe in my heart that she doesn't either, and that it isn't her intent to do so.  I felt bad about myself not because she wanted me to but because I allowed myself to. The only reason her words ever hurt me... .is because I believed that I deserved them. 

I don't want to be a victim of these circumstances, but a survivor of them. I want to teach my stepchildren the same. We all get dealt a hand in life, sometimes it's not the best hand, but we can choose to succumb or we can overcome. And like Kenny Rogers sings in the Gambler "Every hand's a winner, and every hand's a loser... .It's knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep."  I choose to keep the lessons she has taught me and let go of the pain.  

 DreamGirl

[marlo6277]

I will stand here and tell you that I am no victim! And then I'll stand here and tell you that sometimes I still don't see that clearly and yes... .I have been a victim and sometimes I do feel like a victim.

I am a residential stepmother to 3 children whose non-custodial bio mother has uBPD.  There are days when it is just that - everything just seems to happen to me.  Everything falls into my lap to get solved, etc... .

And then there are some days when I can look at stuff and say - yup, it is what it is. And I can sit here and throw myself a pity party or I can do something about it.  Most days I choose this.

But I'm not going to lie. Some days - ya... .I want to be the victim.  Cuz some days I just don't feel it in me to give. And it's easier to just say "woe is me" and go and hide.

I realized a long time ago that if I wanted something for myself, there is only one person who can give it to me - me.  So I don't like to be the victim and I realize that I have a choice. But some days just being the victim wins out over not wanting to be.

And so I am working on it every day.  

Thanks for posting this, UFN!

[qcarolr]

Hi - im lurking here from the parents board as I need to make a plan to co-parent with my BPDD at some point. My dh and i have custody of our gd4 and currently have a restraining order to keep DD away from our home. Our attempts to co-parent over the past 4 years have not been real successful - well maybe for very short spurts. No - not successful so starting from scratch this time around.

This is a great topic, and something I ponder and work on everyday. IMO everyone is a victim at some level some of the time in some relationship as we are imperfect humans and it is a lot easier in the moment to blame someone else for my pain than take responsibility for it. But I have learned so much here and with other support I have garnered in my life to make my awareness of when I am allowing myself to get sucked into the victim triangle, it is quicker and eaiser to extricate myself.  Learning to let go of trying to "make" someone else take their share of the responsibility in a particular situation is a very powerful skill, and one that I must practice daily.

I appreciate the honesty of many of your replies that this is all part of the process of finding peace and joy in our daily lives. Thanks.

[ennie]

YES!  I have been really exploring this arena lately.  I just have an ex-wife-soon-to-be-inlaw who is BPD (my partner's ex wife), and I have been experiencing this as a victim.  I think some of it sort of crept up on me.  I have never before had anyone threaten to kill me, never really had a significant conflict that could not be resolved by communication and caring.  I have been very effective and working through things with people in my life, and so this really surprised me in a way that was hard to understand, so at first I was grappling with the surprise factor, which is somewhat external by nature--"Whoa, what is this that is happening to me?  Is it me, my approach, or something that I cannot influence?" 

Another aspect of this that makes it easy to be in a victimized place is the fact that the BPD person in my life is so often waging a distortion campaign against me and my mate, so that when we connect with people like teachers and mutual friends, they have a detailed story about what I am doing that is completely opposite what is true for me, so I spend time "setting them straight" that I would not spend focused on what BPD is doing if she was not so verbally influencing my relationships with people by making up really outrageous stories.  I have tried various ways of dealing with this facet of having step-kids mothered by a BPD person, ranging from not talking to people about her or the situation, to trying to set the stage so that people do NOT already believe her when they first meet my partner and I, to just reacting to her stories when they come up. 

What has happened is that my communication style has changed so that I am often talking about what has "been done to me" rather than about how I feel, what I am doing in my life, etc.  Part of it is just how I respond to mile trauma of being threatened and verbally attacked on a regular basis (sometimes just through the kids... ."Mommy says you have disgusting feet," "Mommy says you are mean", "Mommy says you are going to try to steal us from her and you want to be our mom," etc.).  So I am talking to friends about what is happening, then how I want to deal with it... .

I also feel as a step-parent, people's first reaction is almost always that friction between mom and me or between mom and dad is "normal," and that most likely I am at fault by being a "step-parent," regardless of how my involvement in my mate's or his kids' lives came about or how long it has been since they split up.  There is just a lot of sympathy for single moms (of course they deserve it), and not a lot for step-moms (of course we do, too). 

One of the disorder's hallmarks is the ability to shift facts and to read and manipulate the audience very well, so that the story my BPD ex wife in law tells is very believable and sympathetic, but not true.  So I feel like the fact that I am compassionate to her TRUE story gets overlooked by others, as it seems that by not agreeing with her that I am not compassionate to her situation.  I am often in the situation of either supporting (tacitly or otherwise) her version of the truth in which I am an aggressor in ways I would never be or support anyone in being, or disagreeing and sounding like I am just being oppositional. 

The upshot is that I have fallen into bad habits, which I am not sure just how to change or how I want to change.  First, I have been working on being more clear about how I want to be with my step-kids, my partner, and myself.  Second, I am asking my partner to create better boundaries with his ex so that I do not have to deal with as much second-hand info about her doing difficult things that I do not have a direct route to communicate about. 

I am also just getting clearer about what are the obstacles for me in myself that make it hard to deal with this situation without obsessing about what BPD is doing or saying "through the kids."  Partly, I feel powerless to influence her in a way that is not usual for me.  Mostly, I have been able to speak what I feel to others, even mentally ill people, and to hear them, and come to a conclusion of challenges that feels good to me.  With my partner's ex, no communication results in a resolution, as wherever we go in a conversation, whatever we come to, she does not remember it five minutes later--or at least, it does not change what she thinks or feels for more than the moment.  In the moment, she says she loves me and am glad I am her kids' step-mom, but the next day, the opposite is true.  If I tell her ways her words hurt my feelings, she uses as an opportunity to express anger and rage and victimized conversation, such that I have not opportunity to say more than one sentence.

So what there is for me to look at is why is it so debilitating to not be received by someone?  If she could hear me, even if she did not agree, I could bear this more readily.  But to have someone striking out, mostly figuratively but sometimes literally, and not be able to influence her at all, not be able to broach her wall of victimhood, is terribly frustrating to me, especially when I hear the kids echoing her story.  I am just in a role where her mind seems to always snap back to the story that I am stealing her life, regardless of what I am doing, and out of that story, she feels fine telling the kids that it is my fault she and daddy are not together, it is my fault that the kids do not live full time with mommy, it is my fault that she lives here, not where she wants to live, it is my fault that her life sucks. 

I have such a desire to fix these kinds of issues with people.  I remember going to see an acquaintance, a convicted criminal, in jail because I heard that he thought I ratted him out, and left with him apologizing for talking bad about me, helping him get a public defender, and him treating me with utter respect for the next ten years.  He was very emotionally and mentally challenged, physically abusive, etc., but I was able to communicate through these barriers.  I volunteer in a homeless shelter.  The first two weeks I did this, I spoke with a schizophrenic man who had spoken with no one in the shelter for years, because I sat down with him and was not intimidated by his growls, just asked, "What does that mean?" in a loving way, so he told me.  I just love to connect with difficult people, and have total faith in the power of loving people for who they are. 

With the BPD in my life, I always go back to trying that, and in person, it yields loving interactions.  But when she is speaking to the kids or others, or on the phone to me, it is all threats and rage and mean stuff, and I get worn down.  I am working on letting go of needing to connect, needing to have my loving way noticed.  But it is challenging to let go and accept that some people are just not going to like me, or will love me and hate me, but not accept me.  And some of them are intimate with the people in my life, and that is just the way it is.  I am not sure why this is so hard. 

So that is the core issue for me.  Also, just feeling like I have no control over basic things in my life, like where we live, how often we have the kids, when vacations are, where school is, etc.  Trying to learn to accept what is.  I feel like acting like a victim is a way of trying to manipulate others into helping me.  Or trying to not be judged.  Rather than just loving my life and letting my partner's ex live hers... .whatever way she wants, including saying mean things and being angry.

[qcarolr]

With the BPD in my life, I always go back to trying that, and in person, it yields loving interactions.  But when she is speaking to the kids or others, or on the phone to me, it is all threats and rage and mean stuff, and I get worn down.  I am working on letting go of needing to connect, needing to have my loving way noticed.  But it is challenging to let go and accept that some people are just not going to like me, or will love me and hate me, but not accept me.  And some of them are intimate with the people in my life, and that is just the way it is.  I am not sure why this is so hard. 

So that is the core issue for me.  Also, just feeling like I have no control over basic things in my life, like where we live, how often we have the kids, when vacations are, where school is, etc.  Trying to learn to accept what is.  I feel like acting like a victim is a way of trying to manipulate others into helping me.  Or trying to not be judged.  Rather than just loving my life and letting my partner's ex live hers... .whatever way she wants, including saying mean things and being angry.

Ennie, you seem to have such a deep understanding of where you are and what you need. The concept that keeps popping in my mind as I read you post is "radical acceptance". Have you explored this idea yet?

[ennie]

Ennie, you seem to have such a deep understanding of where you are and what you need. The concept that keeps popping in my mind as I read you post is "radical acceptance". Have you explored this idea yet?

Yes, I would say that is my core approach.  That philosophy has been part of my upbringing and path for much longer than has the BPD in my life.  Though that is what I strive for, I am just not always able to be in that place.  So I need to accept that part of it, too.  This has just been the biggest challenge in my life to my acceptance.  It is my birthday today, and I had a family birthday dinner with many of my relatives.  I heard many people talking about how one of my strong qualities is my ability to accept anyone, and offer them love, even my partner's ex or someone very challenging.  It appears to others that I am doing that with her, but it is just that from my perspective, I am doing it less (or at greater personal cost) than I have ever done with anyone in my life.  And I am doing it more than with anyone in my life, too, as I have told her I love her and accept who she is when she is telling me she WILL kill me, mark her words. 

So it is just a real challenge for me.  For my partner, he feels that he has left her behind.  She is hard for him at times, but so much less difficult than when they were together, that he mostly feels relief and joy when he thinks of her.  Sadness for her and the kids, but lots of happiness with rare anger.  For me, by loving this man and his two lovely kids, by them loving me, I have brought this onslaught of anger and threats into my life.  That is hard for me to be open to, but I am also committed to truly loving and being open to her, not because I should or I have to, but because this seems important work for my own self.  It is like I have practiced all my life for this, but it does not make it easier.  Just possible.  I do not want to spend lots of time with her, or be her good friend, but I want to have a place in me that always sees her goodness and beauty, that makes space for her to flower in her own way, not expecting her to change, but allowing a place for her beauty in the world.  To let her be perfect as she is, including her pain and intense behavior and rage and her loving qualities, her attachment to her kids, her neediness.  Not to get tangled in it or be responsible for it, but not to need to squash her out of my mind because she is challenging for me.  Of course, accepting myself is the hardest part of this.  For me, it is in the intersection of learning to be a parent while dealing with her anger that is the challenge.  I do not want to be angry at the kids for things they say about her, but I am.  So I judge myself, feeling I have failed them.  Part of the acceptance for me is learning to accept the whole of my and what I bring to the kids, that it includes sometimes anger at their mom, anger at them.  That I can work on how I express that and how I deal with their anger, but that I cannot just eradicate parts of my being, or just hate them and expect anything to be different.  My job is to be me, including all the painful responses to kids speaking their mother's pain in ways that get past my defenses.  That is what makes this such good work, in part, is the fact that it bypasses my defenses so I need to deal with this stuff, my feelings at being the subject of others' rage and blame.  I am so good at not getting this from people, that I have very little experience or understanding of my own reactions.  So I am learning.

Sometimes I feel like having been brought up in an environment that taught some form of radical acceptance makes it harder to learn where I have not learned this... .like the ideas are not surprising, and I have already been open to this where I can, so the resistance to really being open is built up in me.  Like a resistance to medication, or something. 

Thanks for your words.

[MxMan]

thanks for this thread. great topic. never saw myself as victim, but certainly took some time to accept my own responsibility for the situation I put and kept myself in. While I cannot and do not want to control others, I can control my own actions and reactions to their behavior.

while my BPDex may have treated me poorly, I allowed myself to be treated poorly. All along I've believed I had equal footing in creating my own pain within this relationship. However, I've only begun to accept that I am the sole keeper of my own emotional health and happiness.

[MakeItHappen]

i haven't quite felt like a victim.

i did feel an enormous amount of relief after i did all the research i did about the BPD.

it didn't quite make me feel any better, just confirmed.

my friend just said, "you can't blame them now."

disagree! the person still needs to be held accountable. perhaps, a different kind of accountable. maybe one with a little more compassion. in the end, i am still hurting. still upset and still upset at myself that i got hooked in.

it's been the longest amount of time now that i've had contact with my ex(BPD). it's a strange feeling. as much as i want to hear, i am relieved that i don't. back and forth with the thoughts.

[Wimowe]

In my recent relationship with my uBPDxgf, I bypassed victimhood and went straight to martyrdom.   I'm grateful that I came to perceive how toxic this was.

[Survivors] of any form of abuse have [the] essential task [of transforming suffering into meaning].  Out of the indescribable pain comes clarity of belief and depth of purpose.  They become people of substance, with no more tolerance for living in the lie.  They know evil for what it is and arm themselves with rituals that keep the meaning close to their hearts.  They have a high regard for that which connects, and reject all that divides or hides.  Inescapable pain creates enduring honesty and accountability.  To take the position that "I am the wy I am because of how my family was or because of how they abused me" is to miss the point.  You are a participant.  As with any addiction, you are powerless, but you have a responsibility to do something about it now.  You are responsible for your behavior.

[mosaicbird]

I have to say I never felt like a victim until the last break, because I bought everything hook, line, and sinker for years! I believed I was different and special... .  that I was the one person she truly held in high regard and would never betray.  

I also think being raised by someone with BPD taught me a lot of adaptive (if not necessarily healthy) behaviors designed specifically to tolerate pwBPD, and shrug their behavior off without feeling the hurt of it. I certainly felt berated, attacked, disliked, drained dry, and like there was an emotional leech trying to suck the life out of me much of the time, but it didn't translate into a victimized feeling for me. I chose to be there, after all.

[tailspin]

UFN... .  I love this thread!

I think it's important to be the victim initially because in many ways we were victims of abuse in one form or another.  Being a victim serves an important purpose.

Those of us on this board are BPD victim advocates because we know how it feels.  Being a victim allows us to be validated and comforted with gentle kindness.  However, it is up to each one of us to eventually throw our victim status into the wind and not let it define us as a person.

I was a victim of emotional abuse.  I refuse to let this abuse define who I am as a person.  I'm thankful for the loving kindness I found on this site which allowed me to move beyond what was done to me and define myself because of who I am.

tailspin

[GreenMango]

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

If you are struggling with your role or how to move from a survivor to thriver these questions can help.

The last question is especially important.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Well I agree with the spirit of what you say.  But the "choose" part I think it's a little to black and white.  A lot of our choices are not conscience; that goes for the person with BPD also.  What we have to determine is if we are capable of looking at our own wounds, whether we have the courage to change a system of beliefs that were developed to help us survive but yet do not serve us anymore.  It's not our fault.  It's not their fault necessarily either.  It's the most painful lesson I am learning in life having married my pwBPD.  I am not healing as quickly as I like; but I will heal.  We also are not all our wounds either.  We have very positive traits, which is why the pwBPD more than likely chose us.  When they mirror us it the positive in us that we either do not see or do not own.  Which is why if feel like they took us with them.  But they didn't they actually left the good with us if we have the courage to see it.

[nolisan]

Yes ... .  at first I felt I was a Victim. In fact I sought out a counselor from a woman shelter that helps victims of abuse. Was the r/s abusive? Yes!

The sudden detachments, isolating me (put down everything and one dear to me), gaslighting, manipulation (spec finacially), withholding sex; all are criteria for abuse.

But what made  me stay? More in another post ... .  

[TheDude]

I might have pondered the notion of being a 'victim' (among a slurry of many other thoughts) after the first 'ejection'. Now, after #4... .  no. It's said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results... .     

[GreenMango]

I might have pondered the notion of being a 'victim' (among a slurry of many other thoughts) after the first 'ejection'. Now, after #4... .  no. It's said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results... .     

You and me both.  Learning to do things differently isn't easy.

[Iced]

One of the most frustrating things about my experience with pwBPD is the fact that though I can take responsibility for myself and make my choices accordingly - for example, standing up for myself, initiating NC when the situation becomes too bad, admitting to wrong when I am wrong - the other person is almost exempt from these same things.

As such, though I am not a victim of being stuck in such a situation (because I damned well can get myself out and choose to not stay), I feel like I am sometimes the victim of someone's instability... .  and without any recourse for action or responsibility on the part of the unstable person.

Let me see if I can explain myself using an example not related to the situation that brought me to this message board:

I work in customer support and sometimes (I'm being very serious here), I get a customer who - at the very beginning of the encounter and conversation - starts blaming me for everything wrong including things I have no involvement and no control over.

Though I can tell myself, "Calm down, don't take this personally.  You know that logically, this actually has nothing to do with you, etc etc ad nauseum," the fact is, that incident happened.

I can prevent myself from feeling too bad about being someone's whipping post, but I can't prevent people from choosing me to be their whipping post.

Does that make any sense?

Sure I can interrupt the person and say, "I am sorry you are having such a bad experience with this and I would be more than happy to help, but I need you to please calm down first so we can talk about this," but... .  before I could even interrupt to stand up for myself, I got screamed at from the moment I said hello.

I can prevent myself from STAYING a victim, but I can't prevent myself from BEING a potential victim of someone's wayward and misplaced anger, frustrations, whatevers.

Basically, being in the situation in the first place.

Getting out of victim mode is easy enough once you understand what you're dealing with (I did not say it isn't painful, however), accidentally landing yourself in such a situation (like with my work)?

Not so much.

[GreenMango]

I can prevent myself from feeling too bad about being someone's whipping post, but I can't prevent people from choosing me to be their whipping post.

Does that make any sense?

It does make sense that it's frustrating or hurtful they might "try" to use you or choose you.  People are going to try to push boundaries in life.  It's up to us to identify these boundary violators and protect ourselves.

Have you read the workshop on Boundaries: Living our values?

[ennie]

Well I agree with the spirit of what you say.  But the "choose" part I think it's a little to black and white.  A lot of our choices are not conscience; that goes for the person with BPD also.  What we have to determine is if we are capable of looking at our own wounds, whether we have the courage to change a system of beliefs that were developed to help us survive but yet do not serve us anymore.  It's not our fault.  It's not their fault necessarily either.  It's the most painful lesson I am learning in life having married my pwBPD.  I am not healing as quickly as I like; but I will heal.  We also are not all our wounds either.  We have very positive traits, which is why the pwBPD more than likely chose us.  When they mirror us it the positive in us that we either do not see or do not own.  Which is why if feel like they took us with them.  But they didn't they actually left the good with us if we have the courage to see it.

I like this perspective.  I resonate with how you see it a whole lot.  I agree that there is a lot we do not choose.  I also think that hard things give us things we would not consciously choose, like humility and compassion, qualities that are so important in creating loving relationships, raising kids, and being part of our communities and society.  We often choose to avoid pain, and BPD people often bring it forth. 

At the same time, it is easy to get stuck in our weakness, rather than enter into new and scary territory. 

For me, the BPD person in my life is my DH's ex wife, so I did not have to directly "choose" her, which seems so perfect as the lessons I have learned from her are ones I really avoided most of my life.  And I am in a really different place than I was for the 2010 posts... .  I am in a place where I am more willing to see what I can consciously choose to change in me... .  and it is very mystifying!  But I am open. 

[poiuy]

"It took realizing that she wasn't doing anything "to" or even because of me.  She is just being her, trying to make herself feel better... .  which I used to think the only way she could do this was to make the rest of us feel bad."

I like your healthy perspective, its encouraging for me.

[qcarolr]

Well I agree with the spirit of what you say.  But the "choose" part I think it's a little to black and white.  A lot of our choices are not conscience; that goes for the person with BPD also.  What we have to determine is if we are capable of looking at our own wounds, whether we have the courage to change a system of beliefs that were developed to help us survive but yet do not serve us anymore.  It's not our fault.  It's not their fault necessarily either.  It's the most painful lesson I am learning in life having married my pwBPD.  I am not healing as quickly as I like; but I will heal.  We also are not all our wounds either.  We have very positive traits, which is why the pwBPD more than likely chose us.  When they mirror us it the positive in us that we either do not see or do not own.  Which is why if feel like they took us with them.  But they didn't they actually left the good with us if we have the courage to see it.

I like this perspective.  I resonate with how you see it a whole lot.  I agree that there is a lot we do not choose.  I also think that hard things give us things we would not consciously choose, like humility and compassion, qualities that are so important in creating loving relationships, raising kids, and being part of our communities and society.  We often choose to avoid pain, and BPD people often bring it forth. 

At the same time, it is easy to get stuck in our weakness, rather than enter into new and scary territory. 

For me, the BPD person in my life is my DH's ex wife, so I did not have to directly "choose" her, which seems so perfect as the lessons I have learned from her are ones I really avoided most of my life.  And I am in a really different place than I was for the 2010 posts... .  I am in a place where I am more willing to see what I can consciously choose to change in me... .  and it is very mystifying!  But I am open. 

Rough day -- I lost it mostly. Got stuck in my weaknesses and turned on others as they turned on me. Not sure who was mirroring who... .    Like I wasn't choosing, letting others actions choose for me.

qcr

[Wimowe]

The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.   If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless.   It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. [emphasis added]

Excellent insight!

Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves?

The suffering I endured in my recent relationship forced me to learn to take care of myself. One lesson this experience taught me was that being responsible and accountable for myself -- and an equal partner in a healthy relationship -- entails taking care of myself. In many respects I don't know how to take care of myself. I didn't believe I could learn. Taking care of oneself was, to put it euphemistically, discouraged in my foo. My probably BPD mother took it as a betrayal (unless she was in distancing mode). Taking care of oneself inflamed my raging father. My (unconscious) expectation for years was for the other person to take care of me. I was vulnerable to being seduced by that promise.

I was both powerless to stop the pain and powerless to leave. Learning to take care of myself became do or die. I started to ask the question, What does taking care of myself look like right now? I didn't always get an answer but even asking the question was a big shift for me.

To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices.

I came to feel I was being irresponsible, not only to myself but also to her, by remaining in the relationship. Even though she's responsible and accountable for her behavior, I saw that I was (codependently) interfering in her life and growth by not allowing her to suffer the consequences of her behavior. I was appalled at how I had become a toxic enabler.  

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

One narcissistic hazard for me is thinking that because I may be "healthier" I'm also superior.  Have to watch this in myself.

Do you see yourself as the victim?

I was a victim of my uBPDxgf's hurtful behavior. That is difficult to accept, but I think it's essential. I choose not to remain a victim:

[Survivors] of any form of abuse have [the] essential task [of transforming suffering into meaning]

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

Ready and willing, I've set my intention, but it hasn't been easy to actually do so.  Or rather, it's been a process of healing and acceptance. Doing so requires me to accept that neither my foo parents nor their surrogates will ever give me the unconditional love I needed as a child.  They're not capable of it. And the opportunity is long past. Gradually, I'm accepting responsibility for learning to reparent myself. This is both bitter and liberating.

[VeryFree]

Mostly I've seen myself as victim in my r/s. After things really got worse and the r/s ended I started to see my role.

I really regret, that I didn't see that before. In the first place, because maybe maybe maybe that would have been an opening to work towards a better life together.

In the second place: if I had known years ago, what I know now, I would have hold my boundries (or looked for help on them).

Strange thing: my stbxw always claimed I was the one with a psychproblem not she. I should get help. I ignored that (or rather: I would disagree). Nowadays I know better.

[ennie]

I have been aware this week how there are some situations in which it is very hard to allow myself to see myself as a victim, and others where I am creating a victim stance to get power when truly I am not a victim.  My T was encouraging me to really feel sorry for myself, to really feel my sadness and say, "Poor me" about the havoc that BPDmom has wreaked in my life. 

I am so resistant to that.  I want to take the higher ground, which for me is: 1) the awareness that BPDmom of my SDs has it much harder than do I, and is really trying to deal with her feelings, not mine; 2) he behavior may feel awful to me, but it is so much worse for the kids, and even DH, that I do not have a "right" to feel or think "poor me" (that and the awareness that "poor me" is relative); and 3) I am pretty happy, have a great life, and am not mentally ill... .   so what do I have to complain about? 

But at the same time, I have no problem whatsoever feeling sorry for myself with DH... .   when he makes appointments and forgets to tell me and I have to cover or bail on him.  When this happens a lot, I whine and cry and snivel and say it is not fair and play the victim.  Fat lot of good that does!

But in reality, I think I truly am the victim of BPDex's behavior.  The kids, who I love deeply and who love me, come back from their mom's saying, "Why do you hate my mom?" and "My mom says I do not have to listen to you!" and "you are not family, you are just a friend, so mommy says you should not come to my play,"  and worse--during custody litigation, the kids were instructed to keep a journal of every bad thing I did at our home; I would find little notes with accounts of my evil behavior, "Ennie told me to not hit my sister and then I had to wash three dishes, and I told her, 'I am angry at you!' and she said, 'I hear you but that does not mean you do not have to do the three dishes.'"  Very funny.  MEAN ennie. 

Also, I have been directly accosted, my arms held down, she has threatened to kill me.  I witnessed her trying to hit DH with her car, doing about 30mph on the wrong side of the road.  She has threatened to call the cops on made up stories about me abusing the kids. 

The most pervasive and painful harm is the damage she does to the good feelings of the girls about their dad and me, and the good feeling in our home as a result.  We can always pull it back from the edge by the end of our time with them, but it is so painful to have this covert hatred being fed to the kids, all the secrets and lies they live in with her.  And the fact that our excellent parenting thus is defeated.  Lots of stepkids hate their step-parents, but my SDs love me.  My T told me that kids love mom no matter what, but they love step-mom only if I am good for them.  So if I do something that does not work, the love goes away a little, and if it works, the love is there.  That feels pretty true.  And I work really hard to be a partner to the kids, to listen to their feelings, set clear boundaries, express my feelings, and ask them for what I want rather than demanding.  To make it clear that it is not mandatory, but I have a clear boundary, so if it is with me, they need to work with me, and likewise I will work with them.  The result is that they really are so willing to work with me, even when upset.  SD13 recently told me, "I am grateful for how you express your anger to me, and for how you let me express my anger."  That was so meaningful to me. 

But all this great parenting gets lost every time the kids go to mom's, and they come back believing their mom's story about me--that I am an autocratic, bossy, mean step-mom who wishes she had her own kids so is trying to steal BPDmom's and never let's DH be in charge, who wishes the kids did not live here, who is abusive and mean and has no power and should be ignored.  Who is the only parent in the home . When in truth, DH is the main guy, does all p/u and d/o from school, homework, any "punishment", is the person in charge, and I am more the emotional referee, mentor, communication stickler ("Can you try saying that a way your sister might be able to better take in?".

That is the biggest hurt.  And I do feel "poor me." 

I think the reason it is so much easier to play the victim is that with DH, I am playing the victim to gain power.  I want to convince him to do it different, and while it is rarely successful in the long term, in the moment, my despair does impact him.  With BPDmom and the kids, my despair is not effective.  I have very little power to influence BPD mom out of my victimhood, so I discount it and move on to more useful tools.  But what that leaves behind is the loving part of me that got crushed by her hatred, and the way it seeps through the kids and causes terrible pain to my beloved husband and myself.  No amount of compassion repairs those wounds--they have to be felt and lived in order to be recovered.  So there is a way I miss out by not allowing myself to feel my victimhood when it is real, and not just a power-play. 

[nolisan]

No one has the power to make me feel bad about myself unless I let them.

Why would I let them?

Is there a pay off for me?

Yes ... .   attention.

I like attention

[VeryFree]

Thinking about it: probably we are victims.

Victims from ourselves/our history, that has made us bear the cross we all did, even when we should put that thing aside and go our own way.

[qcarolr]

Sometimes I lose my way when I forget to take care of my own needs - shift into depression and anxiety. This is when I slip effective use of validation and values-based boundaries. Most especially with my BPDDD26 - I play the victim triange with the most damaging effects with her.

I get something from moving between rescuer (to her victim state) and victime (to her persecutory state). I am rarely in that persecutor position. And then we get stuck here. Often she is struggling with her emotional dysreguation, most often with losses in a r/s with friend or bf. Stresses of the impending consequences of bad choices (ie not doing her probation and most likely going to jail soon for 10-11 months on DWAI). I tend to self-protect from her raging response by withdrawal and avoidance. And she comes after me to support her - meet her needs for her, though I am really powerless to accomplish this no matter how much energy I put into rescuing. So then she attacks me, and the cycle begins again.

As I am surfacing from recent disconnect and depression I can see again how this game of victim does not meet my needs or support my family in meeting their needs. I realize I cannot meet their needs for them - I think being victim is all about getting needs met ineffectively. A breakdown in the connection between my thinking brain and my feeling brain -- the bridge in my brain is not functioning well enough.

I reach out to the fledgling support group I am working to build around me - here at bpdfamily.com, with a closer connection to my dh, finding new T that can support both my psych and spirit... .   So I am getting my own needs met in positive ways and can step out of the victim - rescuer - persecutor game. And breathe again.

qcr

[ennie]

No one has the power to make me feel bad about myself unless I let them.

Why would I let them?

Is there a pay off for me?

Yes ... .   attention.

I like attention

Great insight!

I was raised with Buddhist parents who were therapists.  For me, it has been a real realization that it is more complex than that.  Sure, theoretically I could be totally at peace with BPDmom's meanness, but the reality I am experiencing is more like a dance.  And I am aware that I am not entirely in control of me, but have more choice regarding what situations I place myself in, how depleted I am, etc.  That when I am at SD9's baseball game and BPDmom is extremely rule and yells mean things at me in front of the kids, I still do not feel happy and peaceful and fine.  I know she is doing her best, know it is not about me, I can respond with kindness and not make it all about me, but I still go home and have uncomfortable feelings.  There is something about her energetic field, also, her way of being, that includes so much more than words.  She affects me.  That is real. 

For me, what keeps me in there getting sucked in emotionally to her bizarre behavior is fear and my desire to plan to avoid feeling ways that have been hard for me in the past.  Namely, I am afraid of my SDs being mean and extremely hard on DH and me, as it is really hard for me to live with people who are actively saying painful things on a regular basis, and even when I am able to find my way through and just see them as doing their best with some difficult feelings, it is still painful for me to experience them saying really painful stuff to their dad.  I am afraid of being in pain and afraid of the ways I try to avoid the pain by being less present.  I am afraid of feeling overwhelmed by that pain, afraid of wanting the people I love to go away and leave me alone.   

[ennie]

Sometimes I lose my way when I forget to take care of my own needs - shift into depression and anxiety. This is when I slip effective use of validation and values-based boundaries. Most especially with my BPDDD26 - I play the victim triange with the most damaging effects with her.

I get something from moving between rescuer (to her victim state) and victime (to her persecutory state). I am rarely in that persecutor position. And then we get stuck here. Often she is struggling with her emotional dysreguation, most often with losses in a r/s with friend or bf. Stresses of the impending consequences of bad choices (ie not doing her probation and most likely going to jail soon for 10-11 months on DWAI). I tend to self-protect from her raging response by withdrawal and avoidance. And she comes after me to support her - meet her needs for her, though I am really powerless to accomplish this no matter how much energy I put into rescuing. So then she attacks me, and the cycle begins again.

As I am surfacing from recent disconnect and depression I can see again how this game of victim does not meet my needs or support my family in meeting their needs. I realize I cannot meet their needs for them - I think being victim is all about getting needs met ineffectively. A breakdown in the connection between my thinking brain and my feeling brain -- the bridge in my brain is not functioning well enough.

I reach out to the fledgling support group I am working to build around me - here at bpdfamily.com, with a closer connection to my dh, finding new T that can support both my psych and spirit... .   So I am getting my own needs met in positive ways and can step out of the victim - rescuer - persecutor game. And breathe again.

qcr

Me, too!  qcr, as usual, I so relate to your experience!  I did not choose the BPD person in my life, so it is less about my harmful choices, more about my way of relating to the suffering in me and others, and the fact that I am afraid of missing my own life as I duck into myself to avoid the pain.  I mope.  There is a way that in depression and anxiety I give myself permission to avoid the people that are painful for me.  But the crux for me is that with kids, I do not want to avoid them because I love them and my presence adds strength and goodness to their lives, and I truly think that our interactions are liberating for them both... .   but I have to crawl through the hard edges of their anger to get there, and sometimes I just want to run away. 

I too have a pretty new T, for the past 6 months or so, who I really like and who really helps me to get to the unseen, emotional aspect of it, to be more in my feelings so I do not have to hold on to them. 

I am more able to let go when victimized, but it is still not fun for me.  I want more fun in life!

[TheRightPond]

I don't see myself as a victim. Having been reared by an uBPD mother set me up to think that the responsibilities in relationships fall on me. It took more than a year in therapy, a handful of books, and working with abused kids to admit that what I experienced was abuse and was not something I could have prevented.

Before I knew the extent of the BPD traits my boyfriend has, I volunteered some of that information to him. When he went into crisis mode, it all came flying back. I'm not a victim but he definitely has been using my vulnerability as a weapon. This has been an exercise in not accepting all of the blame in a dysfunctional situation. It helps that in the relationship I have with my boyfriend that I have the power to decide if I stay or go.

[Perfidy]

I understand this completely, I never ever felt that I loved her more than I loved myself. I told her many times that I felt as though I loved her more than SHE loved herself. I added that because she didn't love herself that there was no way that she could love me. She was killing herself with speed... Smoking it. I tried to show her that there was a better way... .She was diagnosed BPD  and on antidepressants when I met her. She self medicated with other drugs but mainly meth... .Train wreck. I surley am to blame for keeping her as long as I did. Tried to get her out of my house. She refused to leave. I had no working knowledge of BPD. If I had taken the time from my busy life to educate myself more I would have known that she needed therapy to go along with her meds. When she was out of speed and her meds she became nothing short of a monster. It was a living hell and I victimized my self through ignorance.

[Pretty Woman]

This is a hard one.

We allow ourselves to be victims.We have a choice whether we stay or go or cling to this sort of relationship.

As my therapist said, If I was healthy mentally I wouldn't have stayed in this.

She is right. So victim... .not sure of that. To them we are not a victim or a casualty. This is their disorder and it's also their norm.

[jhkbuzz]

UFN... .  I love this thread!

I think it's important to be the victim initially because in many ways we were victims of abuse in one form or another.  Being a victim serves an important purpose.

Those of us on this board are BPD victim advocates because we know how it feels.  Being a victim allows us to be validated and comforted with gentle kindness.  However, it is up to each one of us to eventually throw our victim status into the wind and not let it define us as a person.

I was a victim of emotional abuse.  I refuse to let this abuse define who I am as a person.  I'm thankful for the loving kindness I found on this site which allowed me to move beyond what was done to me and define myself because of who I am.

tailspin

I think this just might be the perfect response!    This is an instance where two opposing thoughts are equally true.

The truth is that I was a victim - of intentional deception, chronic lying, infidelity, and emotional abuse.  I did not introduce any of those hurtful, relationship-destroying behaviors into our relationship - my exBPDgf did. It is important to grieve that abuse - but not remain in that grief - or I run the risk of solidifying my identity as "victim."  I must guard against the temptation to do that.

It is very important that we not give ourselves permission to remain in the life stance of victimhood.  We must make every attempt to heal - to accept that we actually did have a part in the dysfunctional dance, to heal ourselves, to accept the sad, messy, disorder of BPD in our partners, and to move on to live happy lives that include the possibility of healthy, whole, love-filled relationships.

[SlyQQ]

A lot of therapists who are paid walk away walking away is a good option you have to be brave to step up an try an stop the carnage

[apple2]

We are the victims

Finding out that someone we care about is mentally ill is such a relief. It explains so much of the horror and confusion we have gone through. It clearly shows who’s right and who’s wrong. We now know who’s sick and who’s well. This clearly proves that we are the innocent victims in this relationship….

I would like to gently challenge that notion.

The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.   If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless.   It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. It repaints the responsibility we dodged. While it may feel good to be relieved of that responsibility, it isn’t the healthy road to take.

Our dreams and fantasies are that the pwBPD in our lives will suddenly get therapy and become “cured”.  If they were “cured”, then supposedly everything would be OK. Sadly, this dream misses a major component – us.  We too, are sick. How you may ask? Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment.  We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact. These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices.  

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

It is a great post. I also realized that I need to take the responsibilty of myself. I allowed him to do all these bad things to me again and again, while a normal person would leave at once.

Now I am leaving him, leaving from his abuse.

[Tim300]

We are the victims

Finding out that someone we care about is mentally ill is such a relief. It explains so much of the horror and confusion we have gone through. It clearly shows who’s right and who’s wrong. We now know who’s sick and who’s well. This clearly proves that we are the innocent victims in this relationship….

I would like to gently challenge that notion.

The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.   If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless.   It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. It repaints the responsibility we dodged. While it may feel good to be relieved of that responsibility, it isn’t the healthy road to take.

Our dreams and fantasies are that the pwBPD in our lives will suddenly get therapy and become “cured”.  If they were “cured”, then supposedly everything would be OK. Sadly, this dream misses a major component – us.  We too, are sick. How you may ask? Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment.  We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact. These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices.  

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

There's a lot said here.  I mostly agree with it. 

There are aspects I disagree with.  I think I was a victim.  I don't think it takes 2 to have an argument or abuse -- someone can unilaterally blindside someone with this.  I think a lot of nons got blindsided and rightfully tried to work through the relationship for some period of time.  Once the non is aware of BPD and has time to read about it, and experiences the full threat of it, the non who stays could perhaps be considered to be in a "delusional" state rather than a "victim" state.  However, every relationship with a pwBPD is different and there may be complex or even admirable reasons for the non staying in under certain circumstances.  For the above reasons, I think this original post is overly harsh towards nons who got tied up with a pwBPD -- although I do like how it encourages nons to set themselves free. 

[ennie]

I am not sure if I said this in earlier posts, but I think the word "victim" has different meanings and contexts.  There is "victim" in the sense of the Karpman Rescue Triangle, which represents roles that we play in a conflict dynamic, where we go back and forth from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer:

                                                       Persecutor

                                                            ^

                                                           /  \

                                                          /    \

                                               Rescuer-----Victim


His insight is that the roles are volatile, meaning that we tend to shift from one to another quickly.  For example, I rescue my "non" husband by taking the kids when BPD mom is not available and he is working; I feel like and play the victim of this to try to get him to do this less and say no to her; when it does not change, I take a persecutor role, being mad at him and expressing it.  Then I feel guilty and rescue, etc. 

The way out of this is to be up front about what I want and ask for it, to take care of myself and do what I need to to be okay with where my wants are not granted, and to develop some way of making peace with what is. So there are clear means for dealing with my tendency to play a victim role when in a challenging dynamic. 

This is distinct from actually BEING victimized.  Being victimized tends to result in people playing that role in situations where one is not a victim, in my experience... .but they are two different things.  When someone harms a child, that kid is a victim, meaning that they lack power in a situation in which someone is harming them.  BPD mom was victimized in a true way--she was physically beaten and locked in a closet and forced to be sexual with her mom's boyfriends.  Now, she is an adult woman, who has power.  She can leave if a man is harming her.  She can say no if she wants.  But it is comfortable for her to frame things as a victim, where we have the power.  It is much harder to tell DH and I what she wants than to tell us we are bad and she is a victim to try to get us to do what she wants.

Being in a victim in fact, not as a role, is characterized by actual powerlessness, and actual abuse.

So in this scenario, as a stepmom walking into a family, there are ways I am actually a victim.  I do not have power to alter the kids parenting plan or parenting arrangements, but if I am in this family, I am affected by this plan.  I am powerless to make up for pain in the kids related to their mom. At times, I receive actual abuse--BPD mom threatening to harm me, the kids screaming at me it is my fault their mom is angry.

I do have some power--I could leave.  It is important to acknowledge actual victimhood, because part of coming to peace is to recognize the ways I have no power, in fact, rather than chasing trying to cause change where I cannot. 

Once I distinguish between actual victimhood and playing a victim role, it is easy also to see that the kids, and BPD mom, and DH, all have much more actual experiences of victimhood than I have... .which helps me not to get attached to playing a victim role. 

The "feeling" of being a victim--my anger at BPD mom for creating harm to her kids, for being irresponsible in ways that result in me wanting to take responsibility for things I really would not like to deal with, my anger at DH for not setting boundaries--all of these are ways I am affected by people's choices over which I have no control, but I am the one making the choice to do the things that feel unpleasant to me.  I am doing that.  These parts do not involve abuse of me.  They do involve some abuse of the kids.  But not of me.  So playing a victim to coerce someone else just feels bad, and is less effective than just asking, receiving an answer, and when it is no, figuring out what I want to and can do about that. 

There are real ways my BPD ex wife in law does victimize people around her.  She hits, pinches, yells, says the meanest things she can think of, tries actively to get the kids to not like me, tells people they are bad and evil if they do not do what she wants, threatens to kill people, has tried to hit us with her car, lies to authorities about our behavior in a way that could have serious penalties if she is believed.  That is abuse, and we are all the victims of abuse.  But that is limited. 

[VinnyH]

My wife is uBPD. She is high functioning and invisible. There is a stigma attached to mental illness, and I was prejudiced. How can someone have clinical depression, they must be weak. How can they be suicidal, they are quitters. When I look back at some of those beliefs, before I sought out therapy, I am embarrassed by my previously held opinions.

NOw that I have awareness of the condition, the abusive behaviour and manipulation I suffered through over 28 years of marriage, I have difficulty wrapping my head around my blindness. I see how it has affected my children, and I am saddened that I didn't do something earlier, maybe I could have spared my family the heartache, been in a better financial position, not participated in some destructive behaviour myself. I am now more the person I was before my wifes BPD became much more apparent. I went to counselling initially because my wife insisted i am mentally abusive and controlling. Turns out, I am not. When I shared this with my wife, instead of understanding, she became critical of therapy, and derisive of my attempt to get healthier. Thats when I realized that my wife is BPD.

I felt victimized at first, and it took some time for me to develop insight into the challenges I have personally, particularly the co dependent nature of our relationship. When I  asserted myself, using my therapeutic skills, the more pushback from my spouse. After a few weeks, my wife called to say she was moving out... .temporarily. With my daughter... .in other words, no discussion... I am leaving... .after 28 years. I saw a counsellor for 3 months, and boom... .she is moving out.

So now, there are separation issues, selling the matrimonial home, division of assets... .the whole 9 yards. She uses my daughter for her emotional support, and it is taking a big toll on my daughters health. My heart goes out to her, but she sees me as the tyrant in this as well. My daughter is 19, a college student, but she is enmeshed with my wife.

Thankfully I have support from my therapist, and my close friends and family.

[Crumbling]

When I first saw this, it was a three column list that describes the characteristics of victims, survivors and thrivers.  I lost the table when trying to transfer it here, but it works just the same in a list I think.  I go back to it often, to see how I'm doing. 

I tend to swing all over the place, but I've been having more thriving days than victim days lately. ... .big sigh... .for now, anyways.

Hope it helps someone else,

C.


From Victim to Survivor to Thriver

©Barbara Whitfield 2003

Victim                     

Doesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the "good life."

Low self esteem/shame/unworthy

Hyper vigilant

Alone

Feels Selfish

Damaged

Confusion & numbness

Overwhelmed by past

Hopeless

Uses outer world to hide from self

Hides their story

Believes everyone else is better, stronger, less damaged

Often wounded by unsafe others

Places own needs last

Creates one drama after another

Believes suffering is the human condition

Serious all the time

Uses inappropriate humor, including teasing

Uncomfortable, numb or angry around toxic people

Lives in the past

Angry at religion

Suspicious of therapists-- projects

Needs people & chemicals to believe they are all right

":)epression"


Survivor 

Struggling for reasons & chance to heal

Sees self as wounded & healing

Using tools to learn to relax

Seeking help

Deserves to seek help

Naming what happened

Learning to grieve, grieving past ungrieved trauma

Naming & grieving what happened

Hopeful

Stays with emotional pain

Not afraid to tell their story to safe people.

Comes out of hiding to hear others & have compassion for them & eventually self

Learning how to protect self by share, check, share

Learning healthy needs (See Healing the Child Within & Gift to Myself)

See patterns

Feeling some relief, knows they need to continue in recovery

Beginning to laugh

Feels associated painful feelings instead

Increasing awareness of pain & dynamics

Aware of patterns

Understanding the difference between religion & personal spirituality

Sees therapist as guide during projections

Glimpses of self-acceptance & fun without others

Movement of feelings

Thriver

Gratitude for everything in life.

Sees self as an overflowing miracle

Gratitude for new life

Oneness

Proud of Healthy Self caring

Was wounded & now healing

Grieving at current losses

Living in the present

Faith in self & life

Understands that emotional pain will pass & brings new insights

Beyond telling their story, but always aware they have created their own healing with HP

Lives with an open heart for self & others

Protects self from unsafe others

Places self first realizing that is the only way to function & eventually help others

Creates peace

Finds joy in peace

Seeing the humor in life

Uses healthy humor

Healthy boundaries around toxic people, incl. relatives

Lives in the Now

Enjoys personal relationship with the God of their understanding

Sees reality as their projection & owns it.

Feels authentic & connected, Whole

Aliveness

[ennie]

One of the big life lessons I have learned in working with my BPD ex-wife-in-law (my DH's ex) is that if I am blaming, it is always projection.  Projection in my view is when I have a feeling I reject as not okay, I put it on someone else by focusing on their behavior.  That is never as powerful as focusing on my own experience.  As I am growing more capable of setting boundaries with my BPD ex-wife-in-law, and growing to like her more, I notice so many ways i have made assumptions by believing my blame stories. 

For example, BPD mom of my SD15 yelled at me in public and told me how mean I am last week, when SD15 and I went by to pick something up (with advance notice and permission). If I started telling you or a friend how terribly she acted, it is almost always because I feel uncomfortable.  Like my reaction is bad, or I should be less scared.  Or because I am fearful that SD15 will reject me.  If I feel okay about being afraid, fine with SD15's possible rejection (after all, no loyalty bind could be more pronounced!), then I stay at ease and my reaction is, "wow, my heart is beating fast! That scared me!"  rather than "She is totally out of control!  What a terrible person!" 

When I am good with me, there is no need for blame.  And without blame, I get more of what I need. SD15 does NOT have a loyalty bind, but can say, "Oh, I am sorry you are scared, ennie!  I know that is hard for you!"  And I can care about her mom while still not wanting to be around someone saying those words much, as I do not like feeling afraid. 

There is a place for assessing someone else... .generally ,that place is in response to a direct request, or a request for feedback on her impression.  "Why is mommy so angry?" "How come mommy is so mad at you?  "Why don't you like mommy, she says you hate her?"  or as they get older, "How do you think my mom's anger has affected me?" 

I think that noticing that I never need to blame when I do not not judge myself lets me let go of stressing about BPD mom's behavior.  I do not feel like a victim, because it is really somewhat unrelated to me, how she acts.  I used to feel like she was causing me problems, but now I am not really attached to what she does, so it does not bother me.  A huge thing for me was letting go of attachment to how the kids feel about me in response to her, to letting go of needing their feelings to be consistent.  It does not hurt that after 9 years, they really love and trust me.  IT would be harder to not blame mom and feel myself to be her victim if the kids hated me... .but luckily, that is not an issue!

[Bushido]

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices.  

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

Great reading

I can´t say i´m the victim.

But too many things done the wrong way. . . must be part of the problem.

I did my best, Gave it my all. but doing something the wrong way. . . even if it´s for the right reasons. . .

is still creating or adding to the problem.

I didn´t know any better so i can still walk away with the " did my best attitude"

And i do think in my case . . .the biggest mistake i made. . . was not letting her just do her thing, make a mistake, and learn from it.

Sadly the relationship has come to an end. . . but still there is at least a chance to learn something from it.

For me . . and for her.

[anon72]

We are the victims

Finding out that someone we care about is mentally ill is such a relief. It explains so much of the horror and confusion we have gone through. It clearly shows who’s right and who’s wrong. We now know who’s sick and who’s well. This clearly proves that we are the innocent victims in this relationship….

I would like to gently challenge that notion.

The trouble with being a victim is that this kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.   If we are a victim, then we can’t be blamed. It absolves us from all responsibility. It reinforces the thought patterns that we can’t do anything about the abuse. That we are helpless.   It prevents us from reaching for the tools to grow so that we too can heal ourselves. It hides the choices we avoided. It repaints the responsibility we dodged. While it may feel good to be relieved of that responsibility, it isn’t the healthy road to take.

Our dreams and fantasies are that the pwBPD in our lives will suddenly get therapy and become “cured”.  If they were “cured”, then supposedly everything would be OK. Sadly, this dream misses a major component – us.  We too, are sick. How you may ask? Because it takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment.  We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact. These are choices that we made. Yes, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why did we love them more than we love ourselves? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? Without changes in us, things are doomed to fail.

The real hope lies in helping the non take a step back from the dysfunction. To untangle the emeshment. To allow the pwBPD to feel and maybe learn from their mistakes. To remove their unhealthy coping mechanisms – their inclination to abuse us. To provide them with the opportunity to make healthier choices.  

"We" need to take action. As the mentally healthy healthier person, the burden is on "us" to do what is right.

How do you feel about this?

Do you see yourself as the victim?

Are you ready to take charge of your life?

Great post.  Once I learnt about BPD and have done some healing, I have been making my best effort to disengage and not allow her to abuse me in any way, shape or form.  I am still learning to create boundaries and stop these unhealthy patterns.  Thank you for reminding me that we are not victims, but need to adjust our responses to heal and move on.  And the burden is on us to do what is right to help ourselves, and I choose self-love and taking charge of my life!

Thank you for sharing

[debby]

I do "get this" NOW. I think being in an evangelical church for all those years set me up for failure unfortunately. I believe I truly understood that I was witnessing a "craziness" or "wrong" or whatever word you want to use, I DID know that what was happening wasn't "normal" but with the advice I was getting from ignorant (but well-meaning) people was all about "being a good wife" and it was really the opposite of what I needed to be doing. Setting boundaries, taking care of my needs as equal to his and my children's, NOT standing there "taking it" etc. But when you don't know what you don't know, how the hell are you supposed to KNOW? Im still pissed as you can see... .But Im getting better.

[Hebrews12]

Victim? No.  Target? Yes.

I was a victim when I was a child being raised by an alcoholic narcissistic mother and alcoholic enabling father.  I had no choice, voice, or resources. 

Now, with a BPD step-daughter, I often feel like a target, but not a victim.  Maybe I am kidding myself with the distinction, but I am well aware that I have choices.  I can leave.  I've left other family members who have refused to treat me with respect and consideration.

In truth, I feel a small measure of responsibility that she is the way she is.  If my understanding is correct, that childhood trauma (and perhaps genetic tendency?) is a contributing causality of BPD, then I have to pony up. 

That is not to say that she gets to play the guilt card carte blanche, but... .

Was it wise of me and my husband to take our years worth of custodial visits in one lump sum over the course of the summer vacation (she lived several states away from us) and subject her to the emotional trauma of ripping her away from friends and family in the hometown to come see us, only to rip her out of our arms and put her on the plane back to the maternal unit? I think some of her abandonment issues are legitimate.

Why didn't I intervene more when I heard her stories of how badly her step-dad was treating her (slapping her, calling her names, leaving her with his pervy dad)?  The constant groundings for the slightest infractions.  Babysitting her little sister to the exclusion of doing normal childhood things. Maternal unit dismissed my and her father's concerns claiming exaggeration.   Yeah, she's got anger issues.  I would be angry too. 

I do feel like a target though.  I feel that she directs her anger at me almost exclusively.  When she melts down and rages, it is directed at me, even if her father is the one that started the conversation that led to the meltdown. And I am heartily sick of that.  She just can't bring herself to direct her anger at her dad.  He finally sees that though.  This last meltdown was an eye-opener for him. 

So, no.  I'm not a victim, I just can't yet bring myself to cut the cord, give up, and walk away. 

[7babies]

I don't feel like a victim.  I do feel like I'm on a runaway bus. My instinct is to grab the wheel. I am working on realizing my child needs to grab her own wheel. It's harder to realize I may have to jump off the bus and let her take care of herself.  Every mother gene I have is screaming to stay with her. That's a lot of evolution to overcome. I'm only making progress for the sake of my other 6 kids and dh.