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BOOK: Journey of Abandonment Every day there are people who have lost a romantic relationship and feel as if life has lost its purpose. Susan Anderson, MSW, tells us that abandonment is about loss of love and that crucial loss of connectedness. This loss often involves breakup, betrayal, aloneness. This is an important book for members going through the end of a relationship.
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Author Topic: Why would someone accuse you of doing the exact thing they do?  (Read 8274 times)
WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2010, 06:54:29 PM »

After being ignored all day, no eye contact made with me, my BPDbf asks me why I am being so cold.

Yeah I can relate. uBPDw has been icy cold all week - I mean ICY. The prior week we were both sick with the stomach flu for 3 or 4 days, then she went on a trip out of town for 2 days, then we had house guests over last weekend. She scolds me today for "not touching her for two weeks". In other words, haven't initiated sex. Like she thinks acting like a b*tch turns me on.  ;p
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thimble
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« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2010, 11:25:52 PM »

After being ignored all day, no eye contact made with me, my BPDbf asks me why I am being so cold.

Yeah I can relate. uBPDw has been icy cold all week - I mean ICY. The prior week we were both sick with the stomach flu for 3 or 4 days, then she went on a trip out of town for 2 days, then we had house guests over last weekend. She scolds me today for "not touching her for two weeks". In other words, haven't initiated sex. Like she thinks acting like a b*tch turns me on.  ;p

I feel you gumboot!

My pBPgf and I have been going through 'more space' / breaking up for almost 2 months now. Getting together after not seeing her from over a week, she wasn't saying a word to me and was evidently upset but would say she's fine or she didn't want to talk about it. Even after asking her if she wants to talk quite a few times, I get hell for 'ignoring her' (along with anything else associated with me that she might find displeasing) when she finally decides to address her emotions. So much for space.
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2010, 01:51:53 AM »

Dead on target bro.

My wife nearly always accuses me of exactly what she does. I tell her she is not affectionate, she says: "YOU'RE not affectionate". I tell her she is verbally abusive, she says: "YOU'RE verbally abusive". I tell her she doesn't care about me, she says: "You don't care about ME". It goes on and on into infinity. I cannot communicate with her in an adult manner. It's like dealing with a little kid.

lurchlookalike
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angst
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« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2010, 03:36:34 PM »

It can be projection.

It can also be splitting ... people have to be "all bad" or "all good". When you are in conflict one of you needs to be "all bad", and it's intolerable that it be her, so it must be you. Once we get to that point, mere facts don't stand a chance.  cool

I dealing alot with this lately, after establishing some boundaries...I don't know how to effectively deal with this behavior, and the projection. It's exhausting, how does one handle this type of behavior effectively? Any boundary I identify, is painted as "It's ALL about me ALL the time". It's like she reverse roles it all, and becomes the victum...what do I do? ANYTHING that relates to me, is painted as selfish ansd self-serving...there's no in-between.
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GreatDad
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« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2010, 03:50:20 PM »

Dead on target bro.

My wife nearly always accuses me of exactly what she does. I tell her she is not affectionate, she says: "YOU'RE not affectionate". I tell her she is verbally abusive, she says: "YOU'RE verbally abusive". I tell her she doesn't care about me, she says: "You don't care about ME". It goes on and on into infinity. I cannot communicate with her in an adult manner. It's like dealing with a little kid.

lurchlookalike

That is me.  She repeats what I say before I even finish saying it.  Then, in marriage counseling, I'm accused of being controlling and treating her like a child.  In fairness, there is some truth to that.  I have had to resort to treating her like a child because she acts like one and that, at times, has been the only way to get through to her.  As for the controlling, yes, because her life and world is chaos and despite what a bad person she tells me I am, I have to be the one to do everything and make all the decisions.  I know  your frustration.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2010, 07:02:30 PM »

Any boundary I identify, is painted as "It's ALL about me ALL the time". It's like she reverse roles it all, and becomes the victum...what do I do? ANYTHING that relates to me, is painted as selfish ansd self-serving...there's no in-between.

A boundary is a rule for you, not her.

An example of a boundary would be:

"If someone yells at me, I will leave the room."

It doesn't matter what she thinks of it. The purpose is not to change her thinking or behavior. She may change something in response to it - or she may not. Either way, you are not in the room when she is yelling.
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T2H
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« Reply #26 on: April 13, 2010, 07:46:21 PM »

A boundary is a rule for you, not her.

I think that's the thing - I'm far from an expert but it occurs to me the only way to deal with this is to be confident/comfortable in your side of things regardless of what the partner says. Easier said than done. But I bet they don't have this problem (at least there are times they don't) - perhaps something we can learn from them.

Another thing I've found is that when people say "I... " they are probably speaking the truth about themselves, and when they say "You... " they are also speaking the truth... about themselves. Not always, but usually.

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Auspicious
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« Reply #27 on: April 13, 2010, 08:31:55 PM »

it occurs to me the only way to deal with this is to be confident/comfortable in your side of things regardless of what the partner says. Easier said than done.

It definitely takes practice ... it's a process. Especially if we have slowly lost ourselves to a pattern of giving in, trying to please them.



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thimble
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« Reply #28 on: April 13, 2010, 08:59:16 PM »

Another thing I've found is that when people say "I... " they are probably speaking the truth about themselves, and when they say "You... " they are also speaking the truth... about themselves. Not always, but usually.

Nice insight. Doing the right thing

it occurs to me the only way to deal with this is to be confident/comfortable in your side of things regardless of what the partner says. Easier said than done.

It definitely takes practice ... it's a process. Especially if we have slowly lost ourselves to a pattern of giving in, trying to please them.

I'm beginning that process now. My uBPgf and I have agreed that things need to change, so we've taken that step. Although what she says she understands and what she does are not always in accordance. I am anticipating hurdles.
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« Reply #29 on: April 13, 2010, 10:13:57 PM »

I have become so accustomed to the projection that I actually find it kind of humorous.  After years of listening to her, I know not to respond to her accusations and distortions.  But I carry on the dialogue in my head while she is having one of her monologues (I wouldn't call it a conversation).  My unspoken replies can be quite snarky and cutting.  And I manage to do this while keeping a completely expressionless face. 

I guess turning her projections into a form of entertainment is one way of dealing with it.
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