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Think About It... Some members think of "triangulation" as a dysfunctional behavior perpetrated on them by a person with BPD. And why not - this is how we often see triangles when we are in them and the '"odd man out"! However, seeing it this way is exactly the opposite of what we want to do to end the drama.. ~ Skippy
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Author Topic: Why would someone accuse you of doing the exact thing they do?  (Read 4086 times)
WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #20 on: April 08, 2010, 06:54:29 PM »

After being ignored all day, no eye contact made with me, my BPDbf asks me why I am being so cold.

Yeah I can relate. uBPDw has been icy cold all week - I mean ICY. The prior week we were both sick with the stomach flu for 3 or 4 days, then she went on a trip out of town for 2 days, then we had house guests over last weekend. She scolds me today for "not touching her for two weeks". In other words, haven't initiated sex. Like she thinks acting like a b*tch turns me on.  ;p
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thimble

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« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2010, 11:25:52 PM »

After being ignored all day, no eye contact made with me, my BPDbf asks me why I am being so cold.

Yeah I can relate. uBPDw has been icy cold all week - I mean ICY. The prior week we were both sick with the stomach flu for 3 or 4 days, then she went on a trip out of town for 2 days, then we had house guests over last weekend. She scolds me today for "not touching her for two weeks". In other words, haven't initiated sex. Like she thinks acting like a b*tch turns me on.  ;p
I feel you gumboot!

My pBPgf and I have been going through 'more space' / breaking up for almost 2 months now. Getting together after not seeing her from over a week, she wasn't saying a word to me and was evidently upset but would say she's fine or she didn't want to talk about it. Even after asking her if she wants to talk quite a few times, I get hell for 'ignoring her' (along with anything else associated with me that she might find displeasing) when she finally decides to address her emotions. So much for space.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
lurchlookalike
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« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2010, 01:51:53 AM »

Dead on target bro.

My wife nearly always accuses me of exactly what she does. I tell her she is not affectionate, she says: "YOU'RE not affectionate". I tell her she is verbally abusive, she says: "YOU'RE verbally abusive". I tell her she doesn't care about me, she says: "You don't care about ME". It goes on and on into infinity. I cannot communicate with her in an adult manner. It's like dealing with a little kid.

lurchlookalike
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angst
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« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2010, 03:36:34 PM »

It can be projection.

It can also be splitting ... people have to be "all bad" or "all good". When you are in conflict one of you needs to be "all bad", and it's intolerable that it be her, so it must be you. Once we get to that point, mere facts don't stand a chance.  cool

I dealing alot with this lately, after establishing some boundaries...I don't know how to effectively deal with this behavior, and the projection. It's exhausting, how does one handle this type of behavior effectively? Any boundary I identify, is painted as "It's ALL about me ALL the time". It's like she reverse roles it all, and becomes the victum...what do I do? ANYTHING that relates to me, is painted as selfish ansd self-serving...there's no in-between.
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GreatDad
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« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2010, 03:50:20 PM »

Dead on target bro.

My wife nearly always accuses me of exactly what she does. I tell her she is not affectionate, she says: "YOU'RE not affectionate". I tell her she is verbally abusive, she says: "YOU'RE verbally abusive". I tell her she doesn't care about me, she says: "You don't care about ME". It goes on and on into infinity. I cannot communicate with her in an adult manner. It's like dealing with a little kid.

lurchlookalike

That is me.  She repeats what I say before I even finish saying it.  Then, in marriage counseling, I'm accused of being controlling and treating her like a child.  In fairness, there is some truth to that.  I have had to resort to treating her like a child because she acts like one and that, at times, has been the only way to get through to her.  As for the controlling, yes, because her life and world is chaos and despite what a bad person she tells me I am, I have to be the one to do everything and make all the decisions.  I know  your frustration.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2010, 07:02:30 PM »

Any boundary I identify, is painted as "It's ALL about me ALL the time". It's like she reverse roles it all, and becomes the victum...what do I do? ANYTHING that relates to me, is painted as selfish ansd self-serving...there's no in-between.

A boundary is a rule for you, not her.

An example of a boundary would be:

"If someone yells at me, I will leave the room."

It doesn't matter what she thinks of it. The purpose is not to change her thinking or behavior. She may change something in response to it - or she may not. Either way, you are not in the room when she is yelling.
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Have you read the Lessons?

T2H
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« Reply #26 on: April 13, 2010, 07:46:21 PM »

A boundary is a rule for you, not her.

I think that's the thing - I'm far from an expert but it occurs to me the only way to deal with this is to be confident/comfortable in your side of things regardless of what the partner says. Easier said than done. But I bet they don't have this problem (at least there are times they don't) - perhaps something we can learn from them.

Another thing I've found is that when people say "I... " they are probably speaking the truth about themselves, and when they say "You... " they are also speaking the truth... about themselves. Not always, but usually.
 
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Auspicious
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« Reply #27 on: April 13, 2010, 08:31:55 PM »

it occurs to me the only way to deal with this is to be confident/comfortable in your side of things regardless of what the partner says. Easier said than done.

It definitely takes practice ... it's a process. Especially if we have slowly lost ourselves to a pattern of giving in, trying to please them.



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Have you read the Lessons?

thimble

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« Reply #28 on: April 13, 2010, 08:59:16 PM »


Another thing I've found is that when people say "I... " they are probably speaking the truth about themselves, and when they say "You... " they are also speaking the truth... about themselves. Not always, but usually.
 
Nice insight. Doing the right thing

it occurs to me the only way to deal with this is to be confident/comfortable in your side of things regardless of what the partner says. Easier said than done.

It definitely takes practice ... it's a process. Especially if we have slowly lost ourselves to a pattern of giving in, trying to please them.

I'm beginning that process now. My uBPgf and I have agreed that things need to change, so we've taken that step. Although what she says she understands and what she does are not always in accordance. I am anticipating hurdles.
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Here all week, folks. Try the veal.


« Reply #29 on: April 13, 2010, 10:13:57 PM »

I have become so accustomed to the projection that I actually find it kind of humorous.  After years of listening to her, I know not to respond to her accusations and distortions.  But I carry on the dialogue in my head while she is having one of her monologues (I wouldn't call it a conversation).  My unspoken replies can be quite snarky and cutting.  And I manage to do this while keeping a completely expressionless face. 

I guess turning her projections into a form of entertainment is one way of dealing with it.
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"Why don't you treat me with respect? You g-- d----- s-- of a b-----."
memymo
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« Reply #30 on: April 13, 2010, 10:30:06 PM »

Yup, I'm currently a manipulative oppressor. I've heard it so much recently that it is starting to make me laugh a little. Some kind of exasperated loopyness!
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eng123
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« Reply #31 on: April 14, 2010, 11:11:44 AM »

I had to laugh - a conversation from November.

Me: You haven't called back, I am scared for you

She:  So I guess that I don't have to see you this weekend.  Because YOU can't handle it.

Me:  That is not fair (I think is a trigger).   I don't deserve that.  You are being mean.

She:  YOU ARE BEING MEAN
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GCD145
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« Reply #32 on: April 14, 2010, 04:34:52 PM »

I have become so accustomed to the projection that I actually find it kind of humorous.  After years of listening to her, I know not to respond to her accusations and distortions.  But I carry on the dialogue in my head while she is having one of her monologues (I wouldn't call it a conversation).  My unspoken replies can be quite snarky and cutting.  And I manage to do this while keeping a completely expressionless face. 

I guess turning her projections into a form of entertainment is one way of dealing with it.

I believe that I was once as you describe.

Do you think this is a healthy way to live?

GCD145
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Here all week, folks. Try the veal.


« Reply #33 on: April 14, 2010, 05:16:28 PM »

Do you think this is a healthy way to live?

No I don't, nor do I intend to live this way much longer.
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"Why don't you treat me with respect? You g-- d----- s-- of a b-----."
turtlesoup
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« Reply #34 on: April 15, 2010, 04:50:05 AM »

Although Im not undecided, I left her 3 months ago, new things are coming back to me that I remember bit by bit as my brain draines of the anger and tries to sort through the puzzle and I think projection is very important to try to understand what is going on when you are undecided.

I was, in effect, spying on my exBPD for the last 6 months. That is, I had access to her emails and facebook and much of the time, though god knows how, I didn't let on to knowing what i knew but I can recount it for you here so if you're in any doubt about projection I can assure you it is the case.

Everytime I was accused of looking for someone else, I'd see a registration onto an internet dating site from her, everytime I was accused of cheating it was because she was up to it, she accused me of being in love with my ex, earlier in the day she had emailed her ex to tell him that he was the only man for her. She had done this after we spent the most loving happy day together that I remember, but that is the fear, rather than the projection, that was a double whammy.

So yes, if they accuse you of being an alcoholic, as mine did, it was because she was drinking every night, all outlandish accusations, they send us crazy, they are so vehement about it we think, well my god, maybe my 2 glasses of wine a week is really a problem, why is she so adamant... because its projection, pure projection, its very hard to stay focused and look at the facts, she was broke and I was going to the off licence buying bottles of whiskey so she could sleep... and I still wonder if i am the one with the problem! My god!

I am amazed by how many of her complaints and accusations I took on board and new ones are coming to me everyday. As far as my relationship goes, every negative accusation is a projection. The bad things I know I do, she played down! Confusing eh! The ultimate and last connection I had with her, she blamed me for her mothers death, now, even as gaslit and distorted as her thinking send me, I know for sure this isn't the case (this lady contracted cancer before I met her) and of course she says this because... (Its a $10 question only!)

Good luck to all those undecided, projection, understanding projection may help you a great deal in your dealings with or decisions to leave.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #35 on: April 15, 2010, 04:52:18 AM »

I was going to the off licence buying bottles of whiskey so she could sleep... and I still wonder if i am the one with the problem! My god!


The alcoholic problem! Clearly I did have a problem also, but not BPD!
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Mini
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« Reply #36 on: April 15, 2010, 10:40:42 AM »

You are not the one with the problem...

My partner blames me for many problems in our relationship, including: You drink and then you behave insane (Huh? I quit drinking! and he's the almost an alcoholic and also smokes pot), you're so neurotic, you make me nervous (that's exactly HIS problem and not mine) and I can never speak about anything serious with you (everytime I tried to raise a relationship talk, he'd be so agitated and would always find a way to keep it short).

So yes,  I guess it's a BPD thing to accuse us of the same things they actually do.
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T2H
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« Reply #37 on: April 15, 2010, 11:33:21 AM »

So yes,  I guess it's a BPD thing to accuse us of the same things they actually do.

I think it's a 'people who aren't self-aware [ie. in denial] and/or don't take much [or any] responsibility for their actions/behaviors' - these traits are very common with pwPD's (at least all Cluster B ones - it's the one thing they all have in common, apart from the rigid view of the world but it's all somewhat related).  However we all do projection at one time or another, esp in times of stress, etc.  And pwBPD may be constantly in pain (or extremely sensitive to it), which may be why it occurs more frequently.
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thimble

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« Reply #38 on: April 16, 2010, 03:43:44 AM »

Projection seems to primarily be a response to pain... I'm just seriously realizing this now although I have already read, probably multiple times, essentially this statement. I think it's important to remember this causative aspect and that the pwBPD doesn't project just for hoo-ha's.

It's unfortunate because it's such a debilitating action for the pwBPD - it agitates and demoralizes those who would otherwise be a source of comfort and support. I guess the best thing nons can do is learn to see the source of their behaviors, the pain, and meet them with compassion.
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MyLife
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« Reply #39 on: April 16, 2010, 12:18:57 PM »

It's the wierdest thing. My BPD wife accused me the other day of being aggressive and intimidating. Anyone who knows me would say - for all my faults - that I am not an aggressive person in any way. She also regularly tells me that I don't handle criticism well. In spite of the fact that, any kind of feedback directed her way is greeted with a tirade of abuse and sheer rage.

EXACTLY my words.  The things, words my BPDbf says of me - I have never heard anyone and no one who has ever known me - for all my faults - would say or has ever said of me.
And even though my brain knows this, it didn't stop his words from hurting me or stop me from questioning myself, even just a bit or enough to keep eating at me.
I would also get defensive with him, which would fuel him.  That part I did stop.
I am thinking this is the kind of stuff that can be real damaging to us non-BPD if we are not careful.
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..."In order to stop this hurting I must reach a point of contentment within myself.  And that will take some reaching."
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