30+ years of buried pain, experienced in a week...

[Think About It...]

Unless there's still some left...  I hope not because I'm not sure how much more I can take!  I've been reading a lot of posts here the last few days and that's helped me feel a bit better (although, besides some understanding and heart-wrenching stories, possibly it's also a distraction/break from the pain) - don't recall exactly why now but I picked the "Staying" forum to go through (even though I broke things off and went NC on the wknd) so most of the threads I've looked at were from there.  Missed several days of work - went back today but it was a struggle to concentrate/focus.  Obviously haven't been sleeping well.

It happened a bit here and there near the end of the year, and then again a couple months ago when my ex was distancing herself but claiming she wasn't.  But the past week I've had more thoughts of hopelessness/despair than probably the rest of my life combined (definitely in aggregate intensity).  I did manage an al-anon mtg a couple nights ago, and T yesterday - have her # and the # of a guy from AA handy if needed.  Unfortunately don't have any good friends nearby and don't want to worry my parents.  Will likely see about getting on AD's so I can maybe sleep more than a few hours at a time and actually manage to do more than one (constructive/productive) thing every day or so.

Been crying a lot - not so 'cool' for a guy to admit.  Apparently there was a lot in there tho and it had to come out one way or another.  Will work on the Lessons, etc, soon - just not ready yet.  A bit addicted to reading the posts right now - really feel for Hope in Bondi Beach due to somewhat similar feelings/experiences (plus I was there w/ my ex on my first visit); also wish I could hang out with PDQuick for a day and ask him a ton of questions - seems like he's got a lot of wisdom I need right now; and I really want to know what happened with girl101 - hope she's ok.

Anyway, really miss my ex.  Some of the things people have written about BPD - god what a nightmare (for the partner as well as the pwBPD)!  I'm pretty sensitive to emotional pain and I don't like anyone else going through so much anguish (although I suppose it helps us grow/change/improve).  The strange thing is that although my ex is ridiculously good looking, sexy, said nice things about me, etc - I could care less about those - when she relaxed and let her guard down...  she had such an amazingly wonderful pure spirit.  I just wanted that part of her to come out and shine - for her to be truly happy.  But I wasn't the one to show her the way - I hope she does find that path someday.

   to myself (it's about time), and to everyone else here.

ps.  I'm posting in this forum because I'm split right now - intellectually I know leaving, and staying away, and us being apart is the right thing, but my heart is taking awhile longer to catch up - so I still have one foot on each side of the fence (again, not so good for a guy!  Glad I still have a sense of humor, however minimal...)

pps. Still working on the anger too - about being helpless/powerless when it comes to the illness/disease, and how my dad still doesn't view me as a separate individual, and how codep my mom is (and me too), etc.  Next stop acceptance?  "How much longer?"  ?

[T2H]

Unless there's still some left...  I hope not because I'm not sure how much more I can take!  I've been reading a lot of posts here the last few days and that's helped me feel a bit better (although, besides some understanding and heart-wrenching stories, possibly it's also a distraction/break from the pain) - don't recall exactly why now but I picked the "Staying" forum to go through (even though I broke things off and went NC on the wknd) so most of the threads I've looked at were from there.  Missed several days of work - went back today but it was a struggle to concentrate/focus.  Obviously haven't been sleeping well.

It happened a bit here and there near the end of the year, and then again a couple months ago when my ex was distancing herself but claiming she wasn't.  But the past week I've had more thoughts of hopelessness/despair than probably the rest of my life combined (definitely in aggregate intensity).  I did manage an al-anon mtg a couple nights ago, and T yesterday - have her # and the # of a guy from AA handy if needed.  Unfortunately don't have any good friends nearby and don't want to worry my parents.  Will likely see about getting on AD's so I can maybe sleep more than a few hours at a time and actually manage to do more than one (constructive/productive) thing every day or so.

Been crying a lot - not so 'cool' for a guy to admit.  Apparently there was a lot in there tho and it had to come out one way or another.  Will work on the Lessons, etc, soon - just not ready yet.  A bit addicted to reading the posts right now - really feel for Hope in Bondi Beach due to somewhat similar feelings/experiences (plus I was there w/ my ex on my first visit); also wish I could hang out with PDQuick for a day and ask him a ton of questions - seems like he's got a lot of wisdom I need right now; and I really want to know what happened with girl101 - hope she's ok.

Anyway, really miss my ex.  Some of the things people have written about BPD - god what a nightmare (for the partner as well as the pwBPD)!  I'm pretty sensitive to emotional pain and I don't like anyone else going through so much anguish (although I suppose it helps us grow/change/improve).  The strange thing is that although my ex is ridiculously good looking, sexy, said nice things about me, etc - I could care less about those - when she relaxed and let her guard down...  she had such an amazingly wonderful pure spirit.  I just wanted that part of her to come out and shine - for her to be truly happy.  But I wasn't the one to show her the way - I hope she does find that path someday.

   to myself (it's about time), and to everyone else here.

ps.  I'm posting in this forum because I'm split right now - intellectually I know leaving, and staying away, and us being apart is the right thing, but my heart is taking awhile longer to catch up - so I still have one foot on each side of the fence (again, not so good for a guy!  Glad I still have a sense of humor, however minimal...)

pps. Still working on the anger too - about being helpless/powerless when it comes to the illness/disease, and how my dad still doesn't view me as a separate individual, and how codep my mom is (and me too), etc.  Next stop acceptance?  "How much longer?"  ?

[1bravegirl]

How commendable trying2heal,

For you to take a lot of time and read over the story's here and get a real sense of what ones are dealing with and also being able to feel so much empathy for others. And also your willingness to reach out for help!

That really says a lot about your character and not many men have that gift. Especially being able to cry and openly talk about it.   So you are at a very good place in your life to heal and grow within and learn about what you need for you and not based on what our parents made us feel or the BPD did for us.. but what is it that you need to be strong and except yourself and love yourself right now to have those healthy lines drawn for our loving protection and happiness.  

Hope to hear more from your journey..  take care..   1bg

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[T2H]

Well it's been a week (ie. tonight) - since I sent her an email saying that it's not good for us to have any contact right now.  She didn't reply - always has in the past.  And I haven't heard anything from her at all.  After several really rough days, I was starting to feel better yesterday.  But today was tough - am very sad.  I miss her, and don't want her to be in pain/struggle/suffer.  And reading the posts from others about what they and their partner have gone through is heart breaking.  Why does life have to suck so much sometimes?

Hard to work with tears in my eyes.  But I feel so weak/sensitive.  So many people here have gone through so much more/worse.  Is there a Lesson/Workshop on how to harden up?  ie. without the negative side-effects that that usually entails...

ps. Thanks for your reply 1bravegirl.  Appreciate the kind words and support.  Hope you are doing well today.

[TonyC]

its cool to cry man... im a bouncer in a club. as a second job...and i would leave work and cry on the way home.. to come home to an empty house...and finish off the cry...

yea the pains suck bigtime... they were a big part of our lives.. and comes a day... they become our lives..their mad, or happy, or moods dictate our lives... and its a big weight to carry... then the back breaks  cause we cant carry them...

you sound like you know what your doing... then again do any of us...
we dont know till we reach the other side... but its a ____ gettin there...theres no short cuts... only thing i reccomend. stay bzy real bzy...
and no drinking...

[T2H]

Thanks TonyC.  Haven't had alc in weeks (and rarely before that) - never seemed to have an issue with that (but being addicted to women needing rescue - that's another story ).  On the other hand, the one guy I know here fairly well (who recently broke up with his B gf) has been going to bars, drinking a lot, and trying to suck me into that too.  Am trying to keep busy but don't want that to be a complete escape/distraction and not deal with what I need to.

Being around a club and going through that sounds rough...

[1bravegirl]

hi there Trying2heal,

How ya feeling tonight?   I sure hope you can shape your mental disposition to enjoy your weekend and not let the sadness overtake you.  It is so hard at times to regulate our feelings but if we can get around other healthy people and do things that make us happy that will help so much.

Any other buddies to hang with that dont wanna hang in the clubs?  Bowling maybe?  What do you like to do?  Any enjoyable hobbies?  Hows the weather where your at? Im thinking.. sun = a good cleansing hike!    got a dog?  wanna borrow one of my monster dogs?  they'll pull you up the hillside..  

Hang in there buddy.. It gets easier  I promise.  Everything heals in time..   or at least gets somewhat better..
Make it a good weekend friend. 

Sincerely 1bg x

[Mish]

I can completely relate to your feeling of being split - intellectually and emotionally. I know that it's better for me (physically and emotionally) to be away from his controlling and manipulative behaviors, but my heart doesn't want to give up on the guy I married, that fun loving, caring, happy guy. The guy that was living with the kids and me was always angry about something or blaming us for doing something that didn't meet his expectations or whatever.

[T2H]

Hi 1bg,

Nice to hear from you again.  Wasn't doing great last night - but went to an al-anon mtg at noon today and then talked with a couple guys after and that helped.  Feeling a bit better tonight.

Haven't done much else today (besides reading tons of messages here) - but am hoping to be a bit more productive tomorrow.  Was really nice weather - so did drive/walk a bit.  Hope your weekend is going well.

Hehe - I could really use one of your dogs these days to drag me out of bed in the morning!  ;p

It really has been a very tough time for me recently - and it's even harder since I (feel bad because I) know so many others are struggling/juggling with so much more than me (whenever I was [clinically] depressed my dad would constantly remind me about how so many people are worse off than me so just cheer up - that was VERY helpful   ).

I've basically been crawling around at the bottom of the well - at least I'm still moving (but just barely).  Thanks for your support - I know I have to climb out on my own but it's nice that someone would take the time to stop and call down to check that I'm ok - and even give some helpful suggestions at the same time!    

Take care.   x

[T2H]

Hey Mish - I haven't been married, nor had kids - but I can definitely relate to the loving someone when that sometimes results in a lot of pain.  Many emotions tied up in there - esp for those of us who take more than our share of responsibility for things.  I'm looking forward to going through the lessons and continuing to work on sorting out what's my stuff, and what's hers/others.  I wish you well on your journey too.   x

[1bravegirl]

hi there friend.

boy do i know about being on the bottom of the well with no reserves at all.  The well is dry!  from hit after hit and the depression was horrible.   i stayed in bed for a year basically and felt like my life was over as i knew it.

the only thing that helped was being around people when i could force myself to leave the house.. ?   so difficult isn't it?

and then just time..  time to work on me by reading lots of books to understand myself more.  all those years of caring for everyone else and I was a stranger to myself.   well no wonder we have problems huh?

so thats where im at now.  and it helps so much to know why we are who and what we are inside.   to make the needed adjustments and start living for us and not for anyone else.   

you have such a caring heart but remember  you dont have to be suffering like this one or that one to feel like your pain is just as bad as say.. someone being tortured by an ex..  you are a unique individual with your own struggles and they are just as significant as anyone elses.
So never forget that ok?   of course we could always be doing worse off but it doesnt mean that your pain isnt important or justified just because so many others seem to have more to deal with. 

you have your internal pain for whatever reasons like everyone else.  so never feel like you dont have a right to feel whatever you need to in order to process your issues and work you way out of the FOG>>   

you count too!  and we are here to help you pick up the pieces and get out of that house..  loveya       

[T2H]

Hey 1bg,

Hope you had a good weekend.  Wow, sounds like I'm going through something pretty similar to what you did - and I'm feeling like it may take a year or more to recover and get moving on the right path instead of the '(try to) take care of everyone but me' one.  Right now, I feel sick and dizzy all the time - my whole body is sore - and my sleep is horrible (even went to bed at 8pm last night but that didn't help!).

Glad to hear that you made it through that tough time and are moving forward now.  I hope to be there someday - but it seems like I'm starting over from square one...

At least there are others around that have gone through this and are willing to share the     

[1bravegirl]

Thanks trying2heal,

I appreciate you too..  and I gotta tell ya, of course everyone is unique in what they need to feel and process but for me, i've been on my own for a year now and have had little contact with him in months..  and i'm still feeling sick and drained even with all the work i'm doing on myself. 

I have my own little place with my animals, the first time in my life and im 47 almost and im just now learning how to be a grownup and take care of my needs.  Its tiring and rewarding all in the same vein but it is not easy to reach the point of letting the past stop dictating your future.

I stil feel like im stuck on stupid at times or just stuck in that numb place when i really want to feel alive again but after 26 yrs with uBPDh 24 married with some crazy abuse involved, it has to take time to feel better so im doing what i can and not being to hard on myself.   
So you could start to feel better before you know it..  I didnt expect to get so much accomplished on my own so fast but i did it when i had to but now im still in recovery phase.. you no what i mean?

but i am feeling stronger and i can almost taste the life im yearning for.. its right there..  and im ready to enjoy it! let me tell ya!   

Stay strong and feel the love..     1bg