questioning BPD event

[Think About It...]

My bpbf did not come home after work on Mon.  He has had some life stresses and also bit of illness the past week and half. I could feel things shifting, but didn't see it coming.  If I am not there for him to see I notice he will follow through with his impulsive behavior.  Him not coming home is a big deal for me, this is a boundary issue of mine.  He also turned off his phone making himself unreachable.  The first nite I expressed that this was not acceptable to me, and I would like some communication from him.  I then followed up a couple of texts offering loving support and assurance.  I finally received a text on day 3 saying that he was just taking care of himself and could not do it with my negativity and lack of compassion.  On day 4 I packed up as many of his personal possessions as I could and neatly delivered them to his old place and then left him a voicemail telling him what I did, knowing he would want and need his things.  I couldn't get through the voicemail without crying.
This is so difficult - I can handle a lot but something about the combination of him not coming home, blocking me from reaching him and then the real clincher - blaming me for his actions; I just felt so much like I needed to take some action for myself.
Now I feel I broke every rule in dealing with a BPD.  I wanted to work on this relationship, there are many things I love about him - I am not certain how much he recognizes in himself.  How I sometimes wish I could just come out and tell him all I have read here and how willing I am to support his efforts of healing.

[MyLife]

My bpbf did not come home after work on Mon.  He has had some life stresses and also bit of illness the past week and half. I could feel things shifting, but didn't see it coming.  If I am not there for him to see I notice he will follow through with his impulsive behavior.  Him not coming home is a big deal for me, this is a boundary issue of mine.  He also turned off his phone making himself unreachable.  The first nite I expressed that this was not acceptable to me, and I would like some communication from him.  I then followed up a couple of texts offering loving support and assurance.  I finally received a text on day 3 saying that he was just taking care of himself and could not do it with my negativity and lack of compassion.  On day 4 I packed up as many of his personal possessions as I could and neatly delivered them to his old place and then left him a voicemail telling him what I did, knowing he would want and need his things.  I couldn't get through the voicemail without crying.
This is so difficult - I can handle a lot but something about the combination of him not coming home, blocking me from reaching him and then the real clincher - blaming me for his actions; I just felt so much like I needed to take some action for myself.
Now I feel I broke every rule in dealing with a BPD.  I wanted to work on this relationship, there are many things I love about him - I am not certain how much he recognizes in himself.  How I sometimes wish I could just come out and tell him all I have read here and how willing I am to support his efforts of healing.

[TonyC]

if you were to call him and tell him he needs the help of a therapist..\and he agreed would you have the strength to deal with him and the beahviors for years to come?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MyLife]

I am undecided, I probably would try.  I would like to have the confirmation from a professional of his BPD.  I just remembered last night when I was laying in bed that he told me he did see a therapist not too long ago and he was diagnosed with ADD.  That didn't sound right to me.  With my relationship with him it is hard to remember about the BPD as there are many other times when I see us both working together.  Anyway, I have read that you don't come out and tell the person to see a therapist.  I am not sure how much he sees his actions.  He has told me to look at my own behavior, my actions - not to be turning around and pointing at him -- this is during the heat of these "events".  During other quiet times, he will speak more of himself.

[MyLife]

In reading more here, whatever/however led my bpbf to not coming home, is correlated to his fear of my abandoning him - exactly the opposite of how I feel.
However, my packing up his things and taking them to his old place is going to reinforce those feelings of his.
This alone hurts for me.

[TonyC]

it has nothing to do about how you feel
they see actions.. words phrases

see if you had to work overtime 3 hours a nite for a week..
that would trigger his fears of abandonment.. even though in fact you said.. i cant wait to get home to my honey...

these are his issues... and he can address them with a professional..
or
keep up the flight risk... life...

his perception.. you dont know... he could be thinking... she digs me or she would have thrown the stuff away... even thought you cried your eyes out...

[havana]

I agree with Tony. He might feel abandoned if you go to the grocery store. I think there is basically 1 level for them & feeling abandoned. Regardless of your action he will feel the same.

[MyLife]

So I say nothing?  No trying to ease his fear of abandonment?
And he will look at me taking over his things as me abandoning him?
Will he not see that I took his things because I cannot live out my fear of his running away and I find his not coming home unacceptable?
These are things that I have verbally communicated to him.

[MyLife]

I agree with Tony. He might feel abandoned if you go to the grocery store. I think there is basically 1 level for them & feeling abandoned. Regardless of your action he will feel the same.

I feel it is regardless of my words.  Or regardless of my feelings that I express to him.

[TonyC]

 I find his not coming home unacceptable?
These are things that I have verbally communicated to him.

sounds good to me...

this is why he needs to be at a therapist...

you stated your position...and now he can get the consequesnes..