High functioning pwBPD and Socializing

[Think About It...]

Hi all just wondering if anyone else has had this happen:

In social setting--party, groups, gatherings, etc--attending as guest or as SO of pwBPD, being totally ignored or forgotten.  

I have sat at parties where I know no one, or hardly anyone and had pwBPD turn back to me or leave table and ignore me whole night while they socialized with others.  When brought to their attention, they are clueless.  

In situations where I know people, pwBPD has positioned body to exclude me from conversation (either back completely turned to me, or when I have gotten up to circulate or use rr, come back and they have moved into my seat to talk to others and do not allow me "in" physically to conversation.

There are also times, where I am not even introduced to others.  I have to say after realizing it's not going to happen "Hi, I am Lemlover.  Nice to meet you."

I won't go to functions most time, unless upfront I am promised this won't occur, again.  I try to mingle, but it is very difficult to make small talk all night.

Is this typical of pwBPD who are high functioning? Is it more of a narcissistic thing? Am I just expecting too much? Being overly sensitive?

[Lemlover]

Hi all just wondering if anyone else has had this happen:

In social setting--party, groups, gatherings, etc--attending as guest or as SO of pwBPD, being totally ignored or forgotten.  

I have sat at parties where I know no one, or hardly anyone and had pwBPD turn back to me or leave table and ignore me whole night while they socialized with others.  When brought to their attention, they are clueless.  

In situations where I know people, pwBPD has positioned body to exclude me from conversation (either back completely turned to me, or when I have gotten up to circulate or use rr, come back and they have moved into my seat to talk to others and do not allow me "in" physically to conversation.

There are also times, where I am not even introduced to others.  I have to say after realizing it's not going to happen "Hi, I am Lemlover.  Nice to meet you."

I won't go to functions most time, unless upfront I am promised this won't occur, again.  I try to mingle, but it is very difficult to make small talk all night.

Is this typical of pwBPD who are high functioning? Is it more of a narcissistic thing? Am I just expecting too much? Being overly sensitive?

[T2H]

It could be about control...  maybe keep you from gaining more friends, or finding out about a lie.  Or it could be selfishness/cluelessness.  Neither of those is necessarily NPD or BPD.  My friend (who is quite codependent and just broke up with a pwBPD) never introduces me to others when we meet up with his friends - he says he just forgets.

[Nutts45]

I have sat at parties where I know no one, or hardly anyone and had pwBPD turn back to me or leave table and ignore me whole night while they socialized with others.

Actually this is rude.  If my H did this it would mean I slighted him somehow.

My first H use to do this w faculty functions, my solution..take my own car.  This way if I know people I chat, if I am ignored by so and ready to leave..I leave.  This upset him..why take two cars.  Well if I haven't seen or talk to you all night I am basically attending by myself anyways so when I want to leave I can leave.  Don't take his promises he has already done that.  He also knows it is rude and wouldn't take it very well if you did the same.

But if you do take your own car, and he does ignore you all night and you leave.  Be nice, walk over tap his shoulder, and sweetly say Honey I am leaving now you have a nice night.

[BPDUSoCrazy]

my wife is always the life of the party, which would leave me typically sitting by myself in a corner, occasionaly she'd come back for a few minutes, but then would be back off to being the life of the party. after every party, i'd tell her about how that made me feel, and she'd said that she was sorry and had no idea that she was doing that. completely oblivious, but because she was feeding on attention, so at that point in time, i was not needed for the attention. everything is so clear looking back and knowing about BPD. sigh.

[Ikwit]

OH YES!  This is very familiar territory over here.  For my BPDh (IMHO) it is part of his BPD and partly his ADHD.  If we are with people he knows, my h will do what lemlover described-physically exclude me, completely ignore me, not introduce, not include me in conversation, walk ahead me or walk away without me...  If it's my work people he will blurt out all kinds of inappropriate info about our/my private life.  That piece seems part of the oblivious, impulsive ADHD stuff-it's a little better now that he's on meds.  If we are with close friends of mine, BPDh sulks, pouts, becomes hyper, childlike and completely obnoxious.  When friends are gone then he becomes almost evil in how he manipulates me and punishes me, eg trying to turn kids against me for having friends over.  This seems to be BPD related and about his extreme fear of abandonment.  My solution at this point is that I have my own friends and NEVER include him.  I include him with work people, but have also had to ban him from certain types of involvement with them.  I no longer will attend his functions with him, unless it's at his place of work.  I don't pursue couple friends.  This has left him with absolutely no friends-not my problem.  I find this stuff both humiliating and frustrating!

[Wrkngthruit]

I think I have heard this song before! 

My BPDgf has these traits as well, at social events she has been flirtatious with the opposite sex on numerous occasions.  I have witnessed her antics which includes 'touching' others she does business with.  Some examples of this is hanging on them, touching them and on one occasion actually kissing someone.  On each occasion this occurred I called her out on it, and stated to her that when she behaves this way it makes me feel like a fool.  Her response was ‘I didn’t know I was doing it’ or ‘that’s just how I engage with people’.  I still feel left out, unimportant and somewhat betrayed by it.   I told her it was inappropriate to treat me like that – period.

So about two weeks ago I put a boundary in place with a consequence to protect myself.  I told her that if that happens again I will leave the event, without even telling her why.  I told her that she was pre-warned that if that behavior continues she should expect my departure without explanation.  Her response to this boundary was that she doesn’t anticipate behaving that way in the future due to her recent sobriety commitment.  Looking back on that conversation I realize that I didn’t get a firm acceptance of this boundary from her. 

Seems to me like she is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.   I would have appreciated a response like: “I understand that this makes you feel hurt and as a result you will not see this behavior.”  It would have validated my feelings and allowed me to move forward.  However, I am now left feeling invalidated and felt the response was totally from her perspective. 

It is due to this interaction dynamic between us that is keeping me from trusting her.   

[Nutts45]

Seems to me like she is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.   I would have appreciated a response like: “I understand that this makes you feel hurt and as a result you will not see this behavior.”  It would have validated my feelings and allowed me to move forward.  However, I am now left feeling invalidated and felt the response was totally from her perspective.

It is due to this interaction dynamic between us that is keeping me from trusting her.  

UFN posted: I used to think that if I gave him his air time, that I would get the same courtesy back. Yet it never, ever really happens that way.

Your boundary has some big holes in it...even in a normal world what is flirtatious for one is not the same for another. 

I would rather treat my H like I expect to be treated.  I cannot read his mind, what he considers flirting..is way different than mine. And basically you told her if her behavior is not suitable to you will just leave without saying why.  I personally would never do this to my H because it would trigger abandonment issues and I truly understand that what he is doing is not about me.

You want communication, but not willing to say. "I am going home, I feel uncomfortable."

Do you know how many times I have thought WTH because if my h feels slighted and got all butt hurt and I didn't know why.

[Wrkngthruit]

I am glad you got a kick out of that...you know I must be expecting WAY TOO MUCH!

Seriously, the joke is on me.  After reading my own post I realized that I need to either manage my expectations or re-evaluate the relationship.  

Analogous to a "broken record" - it just keeps repeating the same track over and over until you pick up the stylus!

[LilacLady]

Everything IkWit said is the same for me.  The up side of it is that when other people are around, it gets him off my back and gives me a break.  He can't be abusive around other people.

[Wrkngthruit]

I would rather treat my H like I expect to be treated.  I cannot read his mind, what he considers flirting..is way different than mine. And basically you told her if her behavior is not suitable to you will just leave without saying why.  I personally would never do this to my H because it would trigger abandonment issues and I truly understand that what he is doing is not about me.

You want communication, but not willing to say. "I am going home, I feel uncomfortable."

dsnutt:  Thank you!  You helped me realize how leaving without any comment would make her feel - and rude on my part.  If this occurs in the future I will be polite, tell her that I am going home and how her behavior made me feel.  I appreciate your advice and the ability to see another perspective other than my own.  

[Nutts45]

Well i be getting rid of my 

And have started to really look at myself.  Which in turn when I read post now I see alot of I am not a mind reader..and I had to stop and think well he can't either..

I actually started with my definitions on boundary's..If I place an issue in a normal sense how many different views would I get...Half the world doesn't see a problem with yelling. 

[Lemlover]

It's good to know that I am not alone or being oversensitive.
Nutt-An acquaintance of mine suggested separate cars, because her H never knows when to leave--another of my H traits too.  And I have often thought of it myself.  I will try it. For now, I have just stopped attending with him.

Ikwit--ditto to everything you said.  We have lost all couple friends because he finds something wrong with them or will reject my friends husbands who attempt to befriend him--he acts like a jerk, really.  At my friends anniversary party he went outside and talked on cell phone almost the whole time and made no attempt to circulate.  He is the one who ends up friendless or changing "friends" at every turn.  It's funny (sad) because all four kids notice and comment about it from the 10 year old to the 21 year old.  One of his biggest rages in front of the kids about five years back was when I set boundary about me being able to have friends and do things with them--he screamed yelled and told the kids "We're getting a divorce because your mom chooses to go out with her __________friends over our family."

Lilaclady--I agree 100% with your point about getting him off my back.  He just ignores me in social situations, like I didn't go with him and am not sitting next to him. I'd rather be home alone enjoying my solace 

Oh folks, and let's not forget that if pwBPD thinks I have ignored them in these situations. . . Or if pwBPD projects it onto me. . .    Then I have to walk away.

[Checkmate]

Before I figured out most of my own issues I was in a relationship with a dxOCD/depression and udxNPD ...

This happened to me all the time ... My ex had to be the center of attention and couldn't stand the competition ... When we went to events I was always pushed to the back and ignored ...

Strangely, when the relationshp ended, my ex (we were together for five years) said that this was one of the most difficult things they had to deal with ... I was a dead weight at a party ...

I remember my reaction .. WTH? .. My ex would make my life miserable if I ever stole the spot light ...