Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 25, 2014, 06:29:48 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: DreamGirl, LettingGo14, P.F.Change, Rapt Reader
Advisors: formflier, Kwaminalivednlearned, maxen, Mutt, pessim-optimist, Turkish, Waverider
Ambassadors: Aussie JJ, caredverymuch, free-n-clear, HealingSpirit, lever, NorthernGirl, ziggiddy
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Login Register  
bing
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments  (Read 20185 times)
pfunk
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 283


« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2010, 03:45:04 PM »

this is just a great thread here and im glad i came up on it, because this is exactly where i seem to be stuck all the time, im always getting myself caught up in arguing, and defending, and wanting to make my point accross, but all that does is making my wife more and more distent and not able to trust that i can ever be there for her which is what i really want, but just the other day she expressed to me how each and everytime she tries to communicate her feelings to me, then i always somehow end up making her feel worse because usually i end up missing those opportunities to validate her.
Logged


united for now
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Home Board: SO-Undecided
Posts: 11110


Talking about solutions create solutions


WWW
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2010, 12:58:05 AM »



OK - I see what the "Don'ts" are.  But, what do we do?  My wife baits and tries to force me into arguments all the time.  When I get accused of things I didn't do, what do I do?  When she sends me an email with a dozen different accusations, or questions posed to start an argument, what do I do?


What you've been doing hasn't helped things get better. It's actually made them worse, since by allowing her to verbally abuse you, she has lost a lot of respect for you. To change things, you need to make some changes in what you can control - YOU>

Your wife has trouble controlling her emotions. To her, feelings = facts.
So if her emotions get out of control, she can't cope with them, so she needs to find something to blame it on - typically we are the fortunate ones in the line of fire  tongue What she is doing is abusive to you -  and - it is an unhealthy way for her to cope with her emotions. She needs to feel her emotions, instead of avoiding them and dumping them all onto you. Growth only occurs when you learn, and the only way to learn is to go through it, not avoid it.

So, when she starts, you can try to validate her emotions and offer some empathetic understanding. If that doesn't work, then you take your time out and allow her to deal with her emotions on her own. Be a mirror, not a sponge  cool

Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


Ikwit
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 177


« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2010, 08:39:53 AM »

Something that has helped me recently is to decide if m BPDh is dysregulated and truly stuck in a circular argument about nothing OR if he really has a feeling in there somewhere and is pushing to be heard.  At least in my experience of my h, there is a difference.  BPDh started a circular nagging nit-picking thing recently (it's most often a tangent that makes no sense) and I just walked away.  That ended it. 

Other times recently I notice BPDh tries to say something and I feel myself getting angry.  I will acknowledge he said something, then get some space.  Often, after a chance to process my initial reaction/feelings, I can get clarity about what he said (or tried to say).  Then it works to send him a quick email-writing helps both of us if it's short and only about one point.  I have also decided that it is never too late to assert my own boundary or state a feeling-this has worked well via email maybe the day after a "conversation" from dh.  The email system is not about my h hearing it, it's about me having a better chance to either keep my boundary OR validate what he was feeling under all the verbal mess he puts forth and make some attempt at communication.
Logged
alexander

Offline Offline

Posts: 15


« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2010, 01:32:02 PM »

This is a situation I often find myself in.  I used to try and defend myself..that was pointless.  I used to argue back..that only escalated the fights to atomic portions.  Now, I just sit there quietly..tell her I am sorry and I love her.  She gets mad that I have nothing else to say, but nothing I say ever helps. I realize this now.  I just need to keep my head down and pray for the storm to pass.
Logged
ifsogirl26
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1934



« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2010, 01:37:16 PM »

This is a situation I often find myself in.  I used to try and defend myself..that was pointless.  I used to argue back..that only escalated the fights to atomic portions.  Now, I just sit there quietly..tell her I am sorry and I love her.  She gets mad that I have nothing else to say, but nothing I say ever helps. I realize this now.  I just need to keep my head down and pray for the storm to pass.

Or you can tell her that you will be back soon (an hour, when she is calm) and take a time out. No need to listen to rant or rages, it only damages both of you.

You can try SET or DEARMAN once things are calm to try to have a better discussion but any abuse happens take time away. It really does make a world of difference
Logged

Who I really am can never be lost, I choose to live in the moment, I choose to be happy
mssalty
****
Offline Offline

Home Board: SO-Staying
Posts: 602



« Reply #15 on: May 04, 2010, 01:46:42 PM »

The tragic thing for me is that many of the circular arguments we get into are from my desire to be loving.   I can start trying to help my SO by offering assistance for problems and soon we either argue about why my ideas aren't right or helpful, or my SO brings up some reason why I do not care about them. 

I have spent years trying to defend not just because it hurts me, but because I can't imagine truly thinking that nobody cares about you.    I've always hoped that my SO would have a magical movie moment where it all clicks into place.   Of course, we know that won't happen without them getting help, if ever.
Logged
Wanda
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Home Board: SO-Staying
Posts: 2558


living one day at a time, one moment at a time...


« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2010, 03:41:51 PM »

THis is a good topic because for the longest time this was where i was stuck trying to prove my point, or justify my reason alot steam from i knew my husband was mentally ill but i don't think i accepted it.
 once i did things started changing i did start walking away from those round and round arguments .
 and adventually my husband knew this was just not up for dicussion, and when i came back it now isn't brought up again due to i will leave again, i realized you can't validate in the mist of  my husband being disregulated all i can do is leave..   and this usually don't last long. this is a good topic thanks UNF i think many of us get stuck on this, and forget they are mentally ill , or we have a hard time accepting it we expect a normal argument. which makes it hard to remember not to do the don'ts as you say.. Doing the right thing Doing the right thing good topic again
Logged

Letting go of what was or what you thought was, and accepting what is, is all part of the piece to the puzzle  we need to move forward.


an0ught
BOARD ADVISOR
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Home Board: SO-Staying
Posts: 5596



« Reply #17 on: May 04, 2010, 04:42:06 PM »

This is a situation I often find myself in.  I used to try and defend myself..that was pointless.  I used to argue back..that only escalated the fights to atomic portions.  Now, I just sit there quietly..tell her I am sorry and I love her.  She gets mad that I have nothing else to say, but nothing I say ever helps. I realize this now.  I just need to keep my head down and pray for the storm to pass.

ifsogirl got a point, this is really a boundary question after running a circle once or twice.

Now telling her you love her while she is angry is damaging as she is angry and expressions of love will obviously not be in sync with her emotions. This means your words will be perceived as invalidating and will make matters worse in the short as well as in the long run. Invalidation contributes to her emotional confusion - the very problem her DBT is supposed to fix.

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on BPDFamily is self validation squared!
Katy-Did
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Home Board: SO-Staying
Posts: 223



« Reply #18 on: May 04, 2010, 05:57:41 PM »

Ah, ...the conflict cycle.  My H is especially skillful in this area...it's one of his best "tools".  It takes a finely-tuned radar to tell the difference between a "set-up" versus an attempt to constructively discuss an issue.  If it smells funny...I may nose around a bit... but generally, I leave it alone.  If it's legitimate, he'll usually bring it up again w/o the "odor".   tongue   However, it takes a lot of restraint b/c  he knows I just love to explain...instruct...and lecture. 
Logged

"In the love of narrow souls I make many short voyages but in vain - I find no sea room - But in great souls I sail before the wind without a watch, and never reach the shore."-Henry David Thoreau
united for now
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Home Board: SO-Undecided
Posts: 11110


Talking about solutions create solutions


WWW
« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2010, 11:47:04 PM »

We aren't - and shouldn't be - our partners emotional caretakers.

When they become abusive - our only responsibility is to walk away and take care of ourselves. Abuse should never be tolerated.

When they become upset and abusive - is their responsibility to find healthy ways to cope with their emotions that isn't abusive to others. If they are feeling suicidal due to feeling overwhelmed and flooded with fears, then it is their responsibility to find the appropriate help for themselves.

Think of it this way, if she's upset - does that give her the right to burn the house down? Smash all the windows on the car? run down the street naked? Being upset doesn't give you the right to do whatever you want. It isn't a license to harm others.

She is responsible for her stuff - keeping her side of the street clean.
You are responsible for your stuff - keeping your side of the street clean.

If she is trying to make you responsible for her stuff - hand it back to her and mind your own business.
Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


Links and Information
Tools
Validation
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Triggering and Wisemind
Values and Boundaries
Becoming more empathetic?
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

Video
What is BPD - Family
What is BPD - Romantic
What is BPD - Child
End the Cycle of Conflict
Validation Skills
Empathy Skills
Parental Alienation
Dialectal Dilemma (audio)

Book Reviews
Endorsed Books
Other Staff Reviews
Member Reviews
Articles - New
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Diagnosis of BPD
Treatment of BPD
Series: My Child
Series: My Parent/Sibling
Series: My Significant Other
Series: My Spouse
Series: My Failing Romance

Articles - Archive
Symptoms of BPD
A Clinical Perspective
Treatment of BPD
Leaving a Partner
Depression
Sexual Addiction
Healthy Relationships

Content - Messageboard
Top 50 Questions
Top Workshops
About Us
The Mission
Professional Endorsements
2,000 Member Testimonials
Policy and Disclaimers
Blog


Messageboard
Directory
Guidelines
Appeal Moderation
Help-Technical
Manual

Donations
Become a Sponsor
Your Account

Other
Domestic Violence Crisis
Suicidal Ideation

EMERGENCY
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!