Trust

[Think About It...]

Ana
I understand how isolating this can be.  I have just spent 10 mins reading all your posts from the beginning.  You truly are on an emotional roller coaster.  I hope your little daughter is ok with this, I hope her bedwetting is in control now.  Its a tough journey you are on but you appear to be a feisty lady who knows exactly what you want out of life.  I applaud your strength and resilience in spite of the dramas you are going through.  I sincerely hope this episode will open up a lot of areas for your husband to explore and fix for himself.  Its like a spotlight has fallen on him and now its up to him to get help or he loses you...and I truly believe neither of you want this.  Keep us posted.  I am truly routing for you and your family. x

[Tippy]

Ana
I understand how isolating this can be.  I have just spent 10 mins reading all your posts from the beginning.  You truly are on an emotional roller coaster.  I hope your little daughter is ok with this, I hope her bedwetting is in control now.  Its a tough journey you are on but you appear to be a feisty lady who knows exactly what you want out of life.  I applaud your strength and resilience in spite of the dramas you are going through.  I sincerely hope this episode will open up a lot of areas for your husband to explore and fix for himself.  Its like a spotlight has fallen on him and now its up to him to get help or he loses you...and I truly believe neither of you want this.  Keep us posted.  I am truly routing for you and your family. x

[anastasialee]

I hope so. I just feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I can't breathe, my stomach is in knots. I would never betray the one I love. And what gets me is that he looked in my eyes, made love to me, held my hand, held me all the while knowing he was deceiving me.

[harmony1]

I hope so. I just feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I can't breathe, my stomach is in knots. I would never betray the one I love. And what gets me is that he looked in my eyes, made love to me, held my hand, held me all the while knowing he was deceiving me.

yes..that is what got to me the most as well...now I do my best to disengage..I split the finances so he deosnt spend me broke..and save...I pray one day it will get better...but am planning..in case it doesnt..in the meantime...I loive my kids..live here for what it does give them...and most of all

please read "stop the bleeding"  dont engage in these arguments...please use the tools..they will help you...

I have come long and far..in my almost 3 years here..things people suggested...I thought I would never do..they do work...

being a good mom sometimes means giving what you can...in your case..can you afford the kids and all that it takes..if he leaves?

my hubby went thru my entire divorce settlement...its all in the house..and the real estate market is down...

so..I wont live by emotions like he does..but it did get better..when he wold threaten to leave..when I said ok..go...

is there dv involved?

it does take two to make a marriage or any relationship..only one to break it...

[ifsogirl26]

Can you ask him to talk with a therapist with you about this breach of trust?

He needs to do certain things to earn your trust back.

[harmony1]

Can you ask him to talk with a therapist with you about this breach of trust?

He needs to do certain things to earn your trust back.

I hope he can earn it back...I never would snoop...but there were clues that made me look...then I did it to myself...looked all the time...

what clues made you check the email? what flags did you see..

[anastasialee]

Thank you guys for the support, it really does help.
Yes I can support myself financially without him, I would have to down grade a little, but we would manage. But I really don't want to lose my relationship.

Ifs.
We have our MC session on Thursday so I will bring this up. There has been 3 instances of DV, the last being our rock bottom I believe. Its what finally got us into Tn and him realizing he needs help, and things have been really good since, he is really trying.

[ifsogirl26]

To me the past belongs in the past. He needs to lay everything out - the good/the bad/the ugly so you know what you are dealing with and what you need to forgive.

Once that happens you can start to heal from it. Hopefully this is all that is hidden and nothing really happened during that time.

I am glad you are going to T in 2 days. Thats good. It feels horrible we know. Lots of hugs.

[harmony1]

mc is not recommended for people in a dv situation..I went to 2 years of counseling at our dv group...small instances...but still dv


in mc...it gives them more power..to be the victim...see you as the controller..and change his controlling ways...

so if the kids are subjected to that..there are things you can do...to stop him...let me know if you want to hear those things..otherwise I wont post them

i feel for you honey...


 x


(mc doesnt work cause the issue in the marriage is about control..not the individual problem)

[anastasialee]

The kids have not seen him put his hands on me, thankfullly. But the have been through the rages and seen the emotional abuse more times than I'd like to admit. My daughter is no longer weetting herself or having tantrums he has been working hard with them to correct that. MC has helped a lot, our T specializes in BPD. I would love to hear how u stoppped it.

[harmony1]

I cant respond at great length right now..tomorrow morning..didnt want to leave you hanging...

til then...no fights with him...calm evening...and in the morning I will repost

til then

 x

keep things calm for your sake and the kids...if only tonight  

alot of it..I already posted...read the tools...especially the part about stopping the bleeding..validation and boundaries...

my kids never saw him lay a hand on me either...but they hear everything..and they know...
you part in this? is protecting YOU and THEM...as you change..he will up the ante to get the control back...

[harmony1]

ana,

I hope everything went well..

my hubby..went thru a batterer intervention program..been thru counseling etc many times...

guys like this...they dont see the issue..even if they say they do...you can tell by their actions..

now only you know your hubby...but as you change..be very aware of him trying to get the control back..

my guy? broke the trust time and again..I see mymistakes now..yes my mistakes...the confronting ..the looking..the obssessing...all on the computer

what I will try to help YOU with..is helping you..we cant change them..
no one else would understand why we would want to stay..with a control freak..but that is why we are on the board too..

google antisocial personality..see mine? he has a combination..of ocd,aspd and BPD all rolled up into one puppylike package..

part of radical acceptance is learning to accept what they are..warts and all BUT protect yourself

what I do is this...

I do the driving if we go anywhere..he drives insane..cant be trusted..so I have to
He left me somewhere once..I had to walk home..now I carry a gophone and money for a cab anytime we go out
I disengage..even when I am right...I keep my mouth shut..it dont help and only enrages his more..

its up to you to make sure he doesnt escalate..dont feed the beast..after all he cant rage to himself..if he is breaking things..leave or call the police

alot of where I was stuck..when I first started dv counseling..its my house too..you are newly married..so I am trying to save you a decade of grief..as I had...if there is a law against something..like blaring the music in the middle of the night and keeping everyone up..call the police..if he leaves marks..take pics..put them in a safe place...

I could go on and on..but tell me..what in particular are the issues...other than the trust? I wish I could advise more than I have there..but you will have to take things day by day..sometimes minute by minute..you will have anger about the betrayal..that is normal...a therapist can help validate you...

[Nutts45]

Very sad! i still do think of my marriage as forever - thats why i married him, because i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
Holding onto my faith is what keeps me going most days, even when things are the hardest, i try to hold onto my faith in love, and in him. If i lose that, then there is no where else to go from there.

Where else...you live life...love yourself...you teach your kids that this it is not ok to be verbal and physical abused in the name of love...  I told my H and others... I will always love him... and I will... love means that we can walk the path of life together.. if either of us find it necessary to choose a different path..than I wish him well..it will not change my love.. it means we have different paths to take to enable us both to grow.

Ana, sorry been working and out of the loop for a little while.  

This struck home so many ways.  I came very close to have a mental break myself with my first marriage.  And what you said was the reason why..I did not believe in divorce.  When I left I was so messed up..I had hit bottom.  I told myself I would never do this again.  I was walking a tightrope over a canyon for a "belief." I was committing mental suicide.

This is your core belief..I am sorry I don't believe any faith or vows included self destruction.  You have your kids to raise..They did ask to be brought into the world..it is your job to raise them as healthy as you possibly can until they can take care of themselves.  

But the oxygen mask on yourself first..

Ask yourself this..would you encourage your children to endure a relationship because of a belief.  

Actually once you make a decision on what you are worth and that all beliefs change throughout time.  This will allow more clarity and in the long run help you and your H.  

Emotional Cheating has been brought up before in other post.  What he is doing is investing his energy not in your relationship but another.

My thought..mental suicide vs divorce.  

Neither is right, I have told my H I will no longer continue they way things were.  If he starts to go back..I will tell him he needs to talk to his T.  Any issues that I feel now that is of importance to me will not be discuss without a third party present.  This allows no mis-communication, someone who is able to provide guidance and direction...this also gives his T insight into some of the major issues.

I am finding out the way I feel and have been unfairly treated has more weight coming for his T than me.  But his T is very good at validating..


 x

[anastasialee]

We didn't talk about it at all lasat night, but i can see the anxiety rising in him. He is afraid of losing me and the progress we've made over the past couple months. I am too.
I just keep going back in an reading the emails over and over again - i dont know why, each time i get more and more messed up about it.
It doesnt appear that anything physical happened between them or that they even got beyond phone calls, but it still hurts me as much as if they had.
I dont want to lose all the progress we've made either, but i don't know how to get past this. I have so many questions but i am afraid that the answers might make me feel even worse.
everytime his phone rings, or he has to run an errand, my mind starts racing, how can i live like this? i need to trust him.
Am i over reacting? i has been over a year since they spoke, and nothing physical happened, but i still feel cheated on.

[harmony1]

ana,

all those feelings are normal...I went thru them..for a decade..I did have to stop the self abuse tho..that in itself with hinder any progress..

if you feel the anger rising inside you..do something else..calm yourself..

dont look for signs..everything right now will look like a sign

call the dv counselors..in my area they are 24/7  one phone call..they will help

take care of you..

I have my own computer now..he would leave things around...I would look..thats a bad combo..

once I stopped self abusing..and yes your mind is racing..see that you have been hurt..but learn from it..dont let it fester..

right now..you can singlehandedly ruin this relationship based on your hurt...please see that..dont make it worse
if you want a relationship...help yourself first..

cause right now..even if he never cheats...or does it again..you wont ever really know anyways...accept that..and try the moment by moment thing..

I create a list of fun stuff..away from him..when I am feeling bad about things..trust me it helps..

create that list for you...keep it handy...in times of stress you will rely on it

[DragoN]

   Anastasialee..I have no words for that kind of pain...I am so sorry that he was a schmuck...and past is past.

My H pulled some strange stuff years ago...and I had it confirmed through another party...then I hit him with it with both barrels...but it was past.

I got it off my chest...and his reaction was most interesting...it was worth it for the look on his face...and blasted him with all the kockamemy projection and accusations he had made against me over the years...and threw it at him. I was MAD!

Needless to say...I have not had any accusations thrown at me in a very long time...some dysregulated retarded BS...but nothing at all like before.

Please stop torturing yourself with the unknown...as he will only LIE to cover his ass anyways...whether he did or did not...he lied to begin with and anything after that point IME is another lie...and maybe not. His ACTIONS in the present and Future are what matter. It's your call.   x

[Nutts45]

You are in a reactive mode...especially if you are continually reading them.

Quit reading them..this is a .  Going over and over and over something based on a feeling not logic.

Think of how you will talk about this to the T..  He will probably ask you why this hurts you..what your feelings are..what you want to come out of this..what were you really feeling when you hacked into his stuff..if things were really going good you wouldn't have done this.

Than the other side..there was something that made you feel the need to break in his emails.. You can't just walk in saying I don't trust him...you hacked into his email.. As my T would say tit for tat.  If my H's behavior was off and I hacked into my email..his behavior does not justify me hacking into his email...this is his personal space.  So his T would question me on what trigger me to go to this level.

The hardest part to me on meeting jointly is explaining the situation without sounding like I have BPD..myself.

[anastasialee]

and blasted him with all the kockamemy projection and accusations he had made against me over the years...and threw it at him. I was MAD!

OH man! This is one of the things that gets me, he has been accusing and insecure all this time, and in the end it was HIM.

right now..you can singlehandedly ruin this relationship based on your hurt...please see that..dont make it worse
if you want a relationship...help yourself first..

i know, and i can feel myself doing it. I want to let it go - it has been over a year, but for me it's fresh because i just found out. I feel like i need to know everything and i can't because he deleted his side of the emails.
I have been thinking about sending an email to her, is that a bad idea?

what were you really feeling when you hacked into his stuff..if things were really going good you wouldn't have done this.

honestly i don't really know why - i have always had ull access as he does to all of my stuff, but it never occured to me to snoop. Then the other day he was setting something up and used the email address i had forgotten about, i saiid since when do you have that email, he said you set it up for me remember and he told me the password because it was significant to me remembering, i thought oh yea ok. but it kept nagging at me that he has this email and he never sends me anything from it so what is in there. then he went to drive his kids back to their mothers house on Sunday and i just started reading, it wasnt until i got all the way to the bottom (remember this all happened over a year ago) that i came accross the mails between them. I don't know maybe i did it just to reassure myself, i NEVER expected to find anything.

[harmony1]

#1 dont email her...

#2  yes my hubby had/has secret email's..been there

#3  you are gonna drive yourself crazy with worry...this is why we are trying SO HARD to let you know..nothing will help this..

time is your friend tho..

dont make it worse...the prgress will be lost..

all you can do...is not get caught up i his moods (that is being codependent)  he is entitled to be upset as are you

trust me..I am still trying to get over the condom in his wallet..talk about a projection machine..after all he told me he didnt sleep with anyone..why not believe him..he got real upset when i went thru std testing as well..too f%%%kin bad..

he has his feeling you have yours..

try to call a t about this..they will help you...all progress doesnt need to be lost...but giving yourself some real time to help yourself will only makes things better


next thing you may hear...why arent you cuddling? why no sex? poor me!

they dont think about us when they are doing it..they cant handle the consequences (hurting us) ..they are over it why are we?

familiar?

[anastasialee]

very familiar! it has only been 2 days but i can feel him getting deeper into his shell. he starts out very empathetic, but i have to get over things quickly because he cannot stay that way, and i am starting to feel like he is getting upset that i am not over it yet.

[harmony1]

ana,

some reading..secretly of course 

codependent no more

inside of mind of an angry man,why does he do that

the verbally abusive relationship


all good reads..while you are (cough cough) getting over it

it will help your mind be in a better place..be less reactive..see him as the issue..he thinks this stuff is ok to do...cool that doesnt mean your heart has to take it...

the reading..will help    as will this board..

stay close my friend