Examples of things that helped you as a child?

[Think About It...]

I'm helping to run a workshop on the co-parenting board, TOOLS: Mindfulness for children under stress. One of the participants, a father, asked a great question:

But I guess one thing I would really like to know is how others have applied these strategies in their lives. Have others got examples of what they did and what worked. I know I need to set boundaries for my children but are there any tips or suggestions as to what works and if something works better than something else.
For example, I need to give my children an opportunity to relax (call it mindfulness, taking a break or just winding down after the maelstrom of time with their bpmum), B&W's suggestion of full body relaxation is a good one (I've tried that and it works quite well for my very excitable, hyper-energised S7 as he tries to go to sleep - he thinks its fun but it does seem to work).
I guess my point is this : I understand the theory. I would really like to know what has worked for others (especially having regard to marlo's list) in practice ?

Here's the list he referenced:

WHAT ARE SOME WAYS THAT WE CAN LOVE AND CARE FOR OUR CHILDREN?

Trust and Respect
Acknowledge children's right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
Promote independence
Allow for privacy
Respect feelings for the other parent
Believe your children

Provide Emotional Security
Talk and act so that children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves
Be gentle
Be dependable

Provide Physical Security
Provide food, shelter, clothing
Teach personal hygiene and nutrition
Monitor safety
Maintain a family routine
Attend to wounds

Provide Discipline
Be consistent
Ensure rules are appropriate to age and development of child
Be clear about limits and expectations
Use discipline to give instruction, not punish

Give Time
Participate in your children's lives - activities, school, sports, special events and days, celebrations, friends
Include your children in your activities
Reveal who you are to your children

Encourage and Support
Be affirming
Encourage children to follow their interests
Let children disagree with you
Recognize improvement
Teach new skills
Let them make mistakes

Give Affection
Express verbal and physical affection
Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt

Care for Yourself
Give yourself personal time - You deserve it!
Keep yourself healthy
Maintain friendships
Accept love

All of these steps will lay the foundation for a healthy, meaningful relationship with our children.  In turn, they will trust us and turn to us to look for protection and safety when they are feeling threatened. 

Do you have examples of things your non parent or other adults in your life did that really helped you? If so, please contribute to the workshop at the link above, or add here and I'll quote over there. I know many of us didn't get much good parenting from anyone, but I know the little bits I DID get from whatever source were extremely valuable, so I'm trying to highlight what you can do even if circumstances are difficult (such as shared custody or if you are a grandparent, uncle, aunt, etc.).

Thanks!

B&W

[blackandwhite]

I'm helping to run a workshop on the co-parenting board, TOOLS: Mindfulness for children under stress. One of the participants, a father, asked a great question:

But I guess one thing I would really like to know is how others have applied these strategies in their lives. Have others got examples of what they did and what worked. I know I need to set boundaries for my children but are there any tips or suggestions as to what works and if something works better than something else.
For example, I need to give my children an opportunity to relax (call it mindfulness, taking a break or just winding down after the maelstrom of time with their bpmum), B&W's suggestion of full body relaxation is a good one (I've tried that and it works quite well for my very excitable, hyper-energised S7 as he tries to go to sleep - he thinks its fun but it does seem to work).
I guess my point is this : I understand the theory. I would really like to know what has worked for others (especially having regard to marlo's list) in practice ?

Here's the list he referenced:

WHAT ARE SOME WAYS THAT WE CAN LOVE AND CARE FOR OUR CHILDREN?

Trust and Respect
Acknowledge children's right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
Promote independence
Allow for privacy
Respect feelings for the other parent
Believe your children

Provide Emotional Security
Talk and act so that children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves
Be gentle
Be dependable

Provide Physical Security
Provide food, shelter, clothing
Teach personal hygiene and nutrition
Monitor safety
Maintain a family routine
Attend to wounds

Provide Discipline
Be consistent
Ensure rules are appropriate to age and development of child
Be clear about limits and expectations
Use discipline to give instruction, not punish

Give Time
Participate in your children's lives - activities, school, sports, special events and days, celebrations, friends
Include your children in your activities
Reveal who you are to your children

Encourage and Support
Be affirming
Encourage children to follow their interests
Let children disagree with you
Recognize improvement
Teach new skills
Let them make mistakes

Give Affection
Express verbal and physical affection
Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt

Care for Yourself
Give yourself personal time - You deserve it!
Keep yourself healthy
Maintain friendships
Accept love

All of these steps will lay the foundation for a healthy, meaningful relationship with our children.  In turn, they will trust us and turn to us to look for protection and safety when they are feeling threatened. 

Do you have examples of things your non parent or other adults in your life did that really helped you? If so, please contribute to the workshop at the link above, or add here and I'll quote over there. I know many of us didn't get much good parenting from anyone, but I know the little bits I DID get from whatever source were extremely valuable, so I'm trying to highlight what you can do even if circumstances are difficult (such as shared custody or if you are a grandparent, uncle, aunt, etc.).

Thanks!

B&W

[Cordelia]

Wow, great workshop. 

- Time away from mom really helped - it was really peaceful and calm without her around. 
- I really appreciated affection - one time as a teenager I acted out and did something bad (I don't even remember what) and I was so angry and sad and my dad came in my room to talk to me and I just started sobbing and he gave me a hug and just held me until I cried it all out and felt better.  It was so great to receive that kind of affection and support even when I had done something wrong.
- I also liked just long conversations with him, about all kinds of things.  He was a smoker and would go outside to smoke and I would go with him and talk to him while he was smoking - was nice to have some time to talk just the two of us. 
- We would have a lot of philosophical debates and animated conversations about political topics (I guess this would fall under the category of let kids disagree with you) whereas mom wasn't interested in anything outside of her own feelings.  It was great to have some relief from that.
- Believing your children was a big one, too.  Dad was the only one who thought I could be trusted, and would listen to me - and I was often right.  It's basic, but so important. 

I'm getting teary-eyed, remembering this stuff.  I'll try to write again when I remember more. 

[justhere]

I think what saved me especially in my earlier childhood was living near nature as my parents were both absent/unavailable for various reasons, I was able to connect with the beauty and wonder around me.  I loved exploring in the forest or the ocean and nearby rivers, even my back yard although that was a little too close. Although I was unaware of the dangers and somehow avoided disaster,  I experienced freedom and it was like a refuge to me and helped me see that the world was a lot bigger then my mother's house. 

  As for people in my life, another adult, that was rare but one thing that I'm grateful that my mother gave me was, she put me in Girl Guides.  We were always moving and so I can't remember having any friends before this but I made friends for the first time and the things I learned from belonging to this organization was just amazing.  I went camping and skiing, other firsts and I loved doing these things.  The way the air smelled and how everything sounded differently up on the mountain, it was a peace that I never experience before.  It was so much fun bunking down with my friends and being a part of something that felt so good because it was like I was in another world. 

On other camp outs, I learned to start a fire and cook a meal over that fire and even after a seagull stole my pork chops, my Guide Leader still gave me a pass for my cooking badge. I have some very special memories from those days and those experiences added some balance to my life and let me see the other side, what life could be like. 

justhere

[BMama]

- We would have a lot of philosophical debates and animated conversations about political topics (I guess this would fall under the category of let kids disagree with you) whereas mom wasn't interested in anything outside of her own feelings.  It was great to have some relief from that.

I had this with my enDad, too...we could talk politics, news, anything of neutral subject matter, and even debate it.  My uBPDm still cites this...and may be a little jealous (makes sense right?  LOL).  To this day, we can talk like this, and even when my mother is not around and/or not fogging him totally, we can even talk about her issues.  That is very important, too...to be an ear for what they are dealing with with their BPD parent.  Not that he did anything about it...but still.

[blackandwhite]

These are wonderful, thank you. Bring 'em on if you have more.

Justhere, I wanted to share that I also found a lot of solace in nature. I didn't have many options where I lived, but I always managed to discover a hidden green place near water and would spend time there as I could. Brought me so much peace.

B&W

[DeityorDevil]

I took myself to church, every Sunday for a long time. Years, on my own, even after my parents gave up on taking six kids to Mass every Sunday. The idea of being "professionally" absolved of whatever sins I had committed during the week was always very appealing to me.

[todayistheday]

Just being away.

Grandmother's for several weeks during the summer.

At the neighborhood pool in the afternoons during the summer.

Riding around with my Dad when he ran his errands (which I remember really well, but he does not.)

Being at school.

Moving out to go to college.