behavior with other women in social settings... feedback please...

[Think About It...]

Mouse, interesting...yes, I guess it's possible he could have felt that way...I wasn't thinking that being escorted for two minutes down a dark hall was akin to putting a leash on him at the time ...and I was the one who enouraged that we accept the invitation to join our freinds for drinks and go out that night, not him, as he was leaning toward a quiet night home alone, which I could have gone with if I wanted to keep him controlled and on an even more secure leash...  but I suppose in the moment he might have felt like it was an imposition or that he was being whipped or something.  I might have to ask him about that...

hmmm...

[MaybeSo]

Mouse, interesting...yes, I guess it's possible he could have felt that way...I wasn't thinking that being escorted for two minutes down a dark hall was akin to putting a leash on him at the time ...and I was the one who enouraged that we accept the invitation to join our freinds for drinks and go out that night, not him, as he was leaning toward a quiet night home alone, which I could have gone with if I wanted to keep him controlled and on an even more secure leash...  but I suppose in the moment he might have felt like it was an imposition or that he was being whipped or something.  I might have to ask him about that...

hmmm...

[eeyore]

he might have felt that way... but I kind of doubt it.  And you can't live your life always having him escort you so you know there's not flirting going on.  I think that there has be be a learned protocol of how to behave in those situations together.  I'm typing in a hurry so I hope that I'm making sense.

[MaybeSo]

Steph...I guess you are referring to Sex/Love Addicts Annon?

No.  He's never done any of that.  In fact, he's never been in any kind group setting...only one-on-one.   I'm in mental health but quite frankly I don't really know all that much about that program specifically...

I suspect it would be an incredibly hard sell...there's something about that monker that sort of doesn't sit well even with me and I'm usually a huge proponent of getting whatever help you need.  I think the 'sex' part would be a hard one for him to get behind...that word even being in the title...since he absolutely asserts he's never gone down that road and is actually quite proud that he doesn't cheat in that way...although he does admit he has been addicted to the whole chasing of woman/emotinal affairs/rescuing and just initiating that whole romantic high school love thing...that addiction was/is? there for sure.  I might run a few searches just to see what that kind of program is like, I assume it follows steps similar to AA but I really just don't know that much about it.  

[Mousse]

but I suppose in the moment he might have felt like it was an imposition or that he was being whipped or something.

It's a possibility, and I just want to make it clear that it's not what I think you were doing...just that I've seen people (mostly guys) bristle a bit when they are being asked to attend to another person more than once.  It's petty, and a lot of guys would get over it and help out, but I've also seen some pretty interesting passive-aggressive ways of "asserting" free will  

I guess my point is, given his caring response to your unhappiness, is to let it go as not a big deal, but be aware... x

[eeyore]

I would be interested to know what you find out.  There's a guy who specializes in sex addiction.  His last name is Weiss-- I think.  Anyway one thing I recall he uses with patients is to put a rubberband around the wrist and snap it when you are doing something that you are trying to stop.  As it encourages you to not do those things.  

[wdone]

 

But, if someone 'uses' women and sex/romance, as their drug of choice and are addicted to that behavior...how does one deal with that in recovery?  One half the poplultion is women!  How can you stay away from 1/2 the popluation?  It's not practical to expect him to not have interactions with other women...in a bar, on the street, at the restaurant, at work...it's simply not possible or practical, and to suggest such a thing, sets me up to look and feel like a paranoid control freak.  If it were alchohol...it would be different, but it's not.  It's women.  So somehow, I have to make my peace with his drug of choice being very much a part of our lives...somehow.

people in SLAA set their own bottom line behaviors...i know many men who have committed to not flirting with women, talking to strangers who are women...sure, they allow themselves to say hello or be cordial but because they are comitted to their recovery and also their relationship, they set limits for themselves. very specific ones. 

it is much different that putting the bottle on the shelf if an alcoholic.  sex and love are human needs, and everywhere. that's why it's so insideous, and so important to enlist certain things such as the "2 second rule" where one is allowed to look at a person, usually in a lustful way, for 2 seconds. 

my sponsor told me i had every right to tell him unless he sought help for his sex and love addiciton, i couldn't partcipate in a relationhsip with him.  he was, however, a self-admitted SLA. 

on the other hand, i had to go to COSA to deal with the issues being triggered in me around the whole thing.

just my experience! 

[MaybeSo]

Wendydone...that is very interesting, thank you.  I will have to look into COSA..have you found it helpful?

Also, I'm curious what led your s.o. to embrace the idea he was addicted in this way?  Was it the problems occuring with you or had he already been dealing w/ this when you guys met?

[wdone]

Wendydone...that is very interesting, thank you.  I will have to look into COSA..have you found it helpful?

Also, I'm curious what led your s.o. to embrace the idea he was addicted in this way?  Was it the problems occuring with you or had he already been dealing w/ this when you guys met?

cosa has been great...but i actually stopped going. i need to go back. it was bringing up a lot of old stuff that was painful to look at, but necessary to grow i guess...

i'm on my way out the door and i have a lengthy response to these q's but for now i will just say that i introduced him to it without really trying. he instantly saw that he was a sex and love addict and in fact has gone overboard at times wtih it, reading tons of books on it, and calling what we have sex addiction or love addiciton..using it as an excuse at times to pull away i think.

he had been struggling his whole life with voyering, porn, emotional affairs...and he seemed to like the meetings and appreciate that there is help for it.  he was never consitent though but i was soooo relieved when i noticed things changing.  like he would lust/objectify when we were together a lot less, for shorter times. he did however puposely look at other women sometimes to punish me.  (his words.)   his sex abuse issues came up and he stopped going.  i don't know if he is going now..

i have to remember that it's not personal. it is just like shooting up. it's a distraction and escape.  my bf never cheated so i tried to remember that he was just using and obviously stressed about something or upset. problem was our relationship tended to trigger him (obviously) and that would lead to his "connecting" with other women to distract and to push me away...

[MaybeSo]

Wow...when you have more time I would be interested in learning more.  I did just read some interesting info for partners of people w/ love/sex addication.

It was addressing the triggers that partners go through once they have discovered there's been betrayals on the part of their loved one who has the sex or love addiction... and what those triggers and responses tend to look like...like out of control raging, snooping and following, checking up, monitoring, addiction/obsessive thoughts re: what the partner might be up to or thinking...all sorts of destructive or unusual actions that are often against a person's normal behavior or usual value system,and how you feel compelled to act out in these ways anyway due to what feels like overwheling anxiety, how the behavior will relieve the anxiety temporarily only...almost like an addiction...almost like a compulsion...almost like exactly what the sex/love addict feels when they act out...overwhelming anxiety that is dampened by behaving in self destructive (sex/affairs) that feels like they have no control over unless they engage in that activity.  The partner will argue that may be true but they are not 'cheating' or acting out in hurtful/damaging ways like the addict is, but really, it almost ends up being exactly the same thing in terms of behaving in out of control ways and it does cause damage.

[New non-BP]

My BPDh does similar things. He constatly looks at porn (daily), Emotional "affairs" with other women, become dysregualted if we don't have sex for over a week, if we do have sex he's a whole different person for at least a shirt time, he has appropriate conversations with other women, he has even gone as far as to invite them into our bedroom (with out my knowledge...until later ofcourse). Usually it's with my girlfriends but not always. I struggle with this often. As far as I know he's never physically cheated on me. I can sat "trust issues" in about 13 different languages! LOL My therapist brought up just the other day the possibilty of him being a sex addict. It's hard to not take it personally. We have put boundries in place and as far as I know things have gone OK. But I worry about it alot. We newly have a NO DRINKING boundry, for both of us for just this reason. For us, he then projects all the invidelity stuff onto me and precieves that everytime I talk to another guy, even his best friends, that I'm making plans to hook up later.

I think you did just fine, especially for being intoxicated. I probably would not have played it so cool given your history.

[MaybeSo]

I think you did just fine, especially for being intoxicated.

thank you for the feedback ...and I am definatley going to stay away from the tequilla from now on!

[Steph]

I think you did just fine, especially for being intoxicated.

thank you for the feedback ...and I am definatley going to stay away from the tequilla from now on!

 H has a friend whos been in SLAA for many years..he, like your guy, is drawn to the damsel in distress, emotional affairs, the rush, etc..Its helped him ALOT dealing with this. People who struggle with porn, or sexual acting out, or compulsive sex, etc etc..can be a very helpful place to go. COSA has also been very, very helpful and there is also a couples support group tied to SAA...cant remember the name of it...where the couple attends, meets other couples that support them on the journey to health..Dang menopause..I truly cant remember the name, but Ill find out.

All of this is free..

[Steph]

 Got it...

Its RCA.. Recovering couples anonymous...

Might be a great place for both of you, esp since he has some really good skills under his belt now..


http://www.sexhelp.com/addiction_cosa.cfm

[Steph]

I think you did just fine, especially for being intoxicated.

thank you for the feedback ...and I am definatley going to stay away from the tequilla from now on!

 If you find that this is a struggle, there is a group called Alcoho...

Never mind...teasing  ;p

[Auspicious]

He probably doesn't feel weird about it, guys like that stuff, girls feel that their personal space is intruded upon and also that we need to protect ourselves "for" our significant other.

Well, this guy would feel weird about it ... I might be flattered but I would distance myself. I'm taken.

[Auspicious]

You return & he is talking to some women. It's a bar, he had been drinking. When we went to places I would talk to other people. That is what I liked about going out. You get to talk to someone different. If she had been sitting on his lap it would be a differnyent story.

And the flip side of that is: if you are trying to give up donuts, then the bakery might not be the best place to hang out.