Month 1: BPD d13 going into residential treatment

[Think About It...]

 I spent March and April researching residential treatment center's and boarding schools for BPDd-13 finally narrowing it down to 2 in Utah that are 20 minutes apart.  My mom and I flew up and visited both the first of May and I chose Falcon Ridge Ranch in Virgin Utah.  The staff is mature, patient, thorough, experienced, gentle yet strong and very capable for helping my BPDd-13.  The main type of therapy is equine and DBT is mixed throughout the program.  Positive Peer Culture is their accountability tool and carries a great deal of weight with teens.  i believe that God has guided my decision and this is the right place at the right time for my BPDd-13.

              

In the last 6 weeks she has been pretty good at home (no rages). She is still defiant (ODD) and isolates herself to be online in her fantasy relationships w/boys (BPD) and sleeps way too much (MDD). However, her behavior at school is over the top!  She has been in "in school suspension" 4 times in the last 6 weeks - twice for punching 2 different students in the face and twice for leaving the school grounds.  One of those times she was caught by the police in an abandoned house w/ 5 other students.  Apparently there was no sexual activity going on as the police listened outside before entering and also did a drug search (none were found but I had her drug tested anyway and she passed).  She also was given a warning on another occasion for being disrespectful to a teacher and the Vice Principal.

This entire process of acting out behaviors at school has been left (by me) for them to deal with.  I have not engaged in punishment at home. I don't need the stress nor does my BPDd-13 need me to step in and become part of the process. It is between her and the school and if I don't get involved, BPDd-13 must focus on herself and not how I am the cause of her problems.  I guess her "bad" behaviors had to come out somewhere since she was controlling herself at home  ;p .

The search and decision process for the residential treatment center was hard but it could have been easier if I had some support from my husband.  He has been struggling to come to terms w/this decision all the while knowing it is for our precious daughters's sake that we do it.  I see it as a wonderful gift and opportunity to give her the help she truly needs.  I pray that she will take full advantage of this and come away with a sense of her authentic self and healthy life goals w/the knowledge that she has within her power the ability to soar on strong wings with a family who will not do it for her but will be a source of encouragement and belief in her abilities.  The 24/7 therapeutic environment will eventually wear her down and put her in the position of self reflection and recognizing personal responsibility.  I think that she will be there at least 9 months, maybe a year.  at $7300 per month it is a huge sacrifice for us and most likely a one time gift from us to her.

We have not told her yet that she is going.  I plan to tell her on Saturday, the last day of school is Friday (tomorrow).  The plan is to fly to Vegas on Tuesday may 1st,  spend the night there, have a good time, (stepdaughter(21) is coming too) and then on Wednesday pick up the rental car and drive her up to the residential treatment center (2hour drive), then husband, stepdaughter(21) and I will leave my precious child in the hands of strangers and drive back to Vegas, stay another night and then fly home to deal w/the aftermath of our decisions. If BPDd-13 refuses to go to the residential treatment center and participate in this plan our other option is a transport service; strangers showing up in the middle of the night and taking her (restrained if necessary) to the residential treatment center.  Please keep my family and mostly my BPDd-13 and the staff at Falcon Ridge in your prayers.

lbjnltx

 

*Dec. 21, 2012  If you have read this far...thank you.  It will take an investment of your time to read about the complete journey.  If you are considering RTC for someone you love please make that investment.  Choosing a program that is focused on the family  is of the utmost importance as I believe it is the key to recovery.  It has been almost 2 years since my daughter graduated from Falcon Ridge Ranch RTC.  She continues to do very well and we continue to be amazed. 
BPD d13 in residential treatment center «

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Month 10

[lbjnltx]

 I spent March and April researching residential treatment center's and boarding schools for BPDd-13 finally narrowing it down to 2 in Utah that are 20 minutes apart.  My mom and I flew up and visited both the first of May and I chose Falcon Ridge Ranch in Virgin Utah.  The staff is mature, patient, thorough, experienced, gentle yet strong and very capable for helping my BPDd-13.  The main type of therapy is equine and DBT is mixed throughout the program.  Positive Peer Culture is their accountability tool and carries a great deal of weight with teens.  i believe that God has guided my decision and this is the right place at the right time for my BPDd-13.

              

In the last 6 weeks she has been pretty good at home (no rages). She is still defiant (ODD) and isolates herself to be online in her fantasy relationships w/boys (BPD) and sleeps way too much (MDD). However, her behavior at school is over the top!  She has been in "in school suspension" 4 times in the last 6 weeks - twice for punching 2 different students in the face and twice for leaving the school grounds.  One of those times she was caught by the police in an abandoned house w/ 5 other students.  Apparently there was no sexual activity going on as the police listened outside before entering and also did a drug search (none were found but I had her drug tested anyway and she passed).  She also was given a warning on another occasion for being disrespectful to a teacher and the Vice Principal.

This entire process of acting out behaviors at school has been left (by me) for them to deal with.  I have not engaged in punishment at home. I don't need the stress nor does my BPDd-13 need me to step in and become part of the process. It is between her and the school and if I don't get involved, BPDd-13 must focus on herself and not how I am the cause of her problems.  I guess her "bad" behaviors had to come out somewhere since she was controlling herself at home  ;p .

The search and decision process for the residential treatment center was hard but it could have been easier if I had some support from my husband.  He has been struggling to come to terms w/this decision all the while knowing it is for our precious daughters's sake that we do it.  I see it as a wonderful gift and opportunity to give her the help she truly needs.  I pray that she will take full advantage of this and come away with a sense of her authentic self and healthy life goals w/the knowledge that she has within her power the ability to soar on strong wings with a family who will not do it for her but will be a source of encouragement and belief in her abilities.  The 24/7 therapeutic environment will eventually wear her down and put her in the position of self reflection and recognizing personal responsibility.  I think that she will be there at least 9 months, maybe a year.  at $7300 per month it is a huge sacrifice for us and most likely a one time gift from us to her.

We have not told her yet that she is going.  I plan to tell her on Saturday, the last day of school is Friday (tomorrow).  The plan is to fly to Vegas on Tuesday may 1st,  spend the night there, have a good time, (stepdaughter(21) is coming too) and then on Wednesday pick up the rental car and drive her up to the residential treatment center (2hour drive), then husband, stepdaughter(21) and I will leave my precious child in the hands of strangers and drive back to Vegas, stay another night and then fly home to deal w/the aftermath of our decisions. If BPDd-13 refuses to go to the residential treatment center and participate in this plan our other option is a transport service; strangers showing up in the middle of the night and taking her (restrained if necessary) to the residential treatment center.  Please keep my family and mostly my BPDd-13 and the staff at Falcon Ridge in your prayers.

lbjnltx

 

*Dec. 21, 2012  If you have read this far...thank you.  It will take an investment of your time to read about the complete journey.  If you are considering RTC for someone you love please make that investment.  Choosing a program that is focused on the family  is of the utmost importance as I believe it is the key to recovery.  It has been almost 2 years since my daughter graduated from Falcon Ridge Ranch RTC.  She continues to do very well and we continue to be amazed. 
BPD d13 in residential treatment center «

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Month 10

[pennifree]

dear lbjnltx,


The following are not my own words, but they convey the sentiment which I hope will be helpful to you right now.

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

It's a tough decision to entrust your child's welfare to another place, especially a place that is far from home.  I hope that you will rest easy in your decision knowing that you have done the best any parent could to find the proper help for her child.  I hope that your precious D will settle down quickly in her new setting and absorb all she can, like a little sponge, so that she can recover and enjoy a long and healthy life.  I hope that your DH will soon see the benefit of this sacrifice so that he too can be comfortable in the knowledge that this is the best hope for recovery.

Thank you for all you've done for me.  I hope in some small way I may return the favor of a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

Take care,

pennifree     

[ingridp]

lbj, may things go well for you and your family this weekend and on into next week. My thoughts and prayers go with you all.

WIth lots of love
 
Ingrid

[lbjnltx]

I will keep you all posted on how things go when we tell our BPDd-13 that we have found a place for her to go.  

She has repeatedly told us "I would rather live anywhere than here".  Just proves that old adage "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it".  I anticipate an excited "really!" reply initially and then the questions will come.  I will follow my heart and be true to myself in my honest reply.  I will answer specific questions w/specific answers all the while knowing that the details could derail the whole process -- things like you don't need to pack  your clothes because I have already sent all needed items ahead (she doesn't get to choose what she wears) and I hope she doesn't ask how long she will have to stay because all I am prepared to say is "that depends on you".  I could honestly call it a therapeutic boarding school except that she is so looking forward to not going to school for the summer that if she discovers they have year round school the FBI might not even be able to drag her up there!

As with all fears it is the "unknown" that scares me the most.  That's when I start playing the "what's the worst thing that can happen" game with myself.  The worst case scenarios really aren't that bad and I know I can handle it if I must.  For some odd reason this helps my anxiety.  If the worst case scenarios don't scare me, then what's there really to be afraid of?

lbjnltx

[Matt]

LBJ,

This sounds very encouraging.  You showed your love by working hard to find the best place, and the money isn't just money either - its your and your husband's hard work and sacrifice going for what you believe is best for your daughter.  My hat's off to you both!

When and how will you tell your daughter about this?

What conditions will you place for her to come home?

Best wishes,

Matt

[Thursday]

lbjnltx,

If I put myself in your shoes for a moment,

must be heartbreaking
must be scary
must feel like your finances will be hanging on a thread
must be sad
must be frustrating, especially in light of how thourougly you have educated yourself to help her
must be confusing,devastating, overwhelming

and I also imagine the hope you must feel.

With my SD, I know what pains her, what has led her to this place. True that we don't make much headway, even knowing what pains her...still, there are no mysteries here.

I hope the residential treatment center helps in the big way you are shooting for. What we found after sending my SD to SUWS (theraputic wilderness camp) was that it gave her some small tools, gave us some seperation (we needed that big time), took her out of her comfort zone so that she had a chance to do some work on herself and so she would finally have a chance to see how that felt...but 9 weeks wasn't enough time to get my SD to a point where she really understands how to take charge of herself, wasn't enough time for her to figure out that her Mom couldn't help what happened to her and that SD isn't to blame... I am hoping for you that the duration you are facing will be sufficient and will help your daughter. At 13, there is such a real possibility that things can turn around for her and your family.

Here is to a brighter tomorrow

And I truly hope that she will accept your decision to place her and that you and your family will be spared the drama if she won't go willingly.

thursday

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[lbjnltx]

The plan is to tell her saturday when her half brother and sis are here w/us.  the people she is closest too will all be here to support this decision as well as lend her comfort/companionship.

the determining factor on getting to come home will be made between the residential treatment center staff and husband and i.  I know that when she is making real progress the residential treatment center will give us the heads up that she will be ready to come home in 90 days.  that gives my BPDd-13 another 3 months to solidify what she has learned about herself, skills, and new ways to think about her world.  she will transition during that 90 days to a less controlled atmosphere at the residential treatment center and will be given more responsibilities and freedoms to see how she handles them all the while having   the continued therapy, feedback, and support of the staff.

lbjnltx

[lbjnltx]

dear thursday, you got it all right!  

as far as a wilderness program goes, when I tt her pdoc about residential treatment center's he told me "don't mortgage the farm for a 90 day program".  I got the message and thought it through carefully.  I can see the intrinsic value of a behavior modification program yet I view it as a bandaid on something that needs major surgery!  too little, won't have a lasting affect, essentially $ waisted...at least in our situation.

thanks for your support and well wishes.

lbjnltx

[Matt]

Wow, it sounds like you have thought this through really well!

Best,

Matt

[lbjnltx]

yes matt,

that's me think think think.  problem:  I have to shut down my emotions sometimes to be able to think clearly.  am trying really hard to be "wise" minded (logic and emotions mixed together).   ;p

lbjnltx

[whiletheseasonspass]

lbj,
I have not been posting but occasionally I come to read and I just read about your decision.  I back you up a gazillion percent on your decision and think that you ARE really wise to do this.  I will pray for your daughter - and for you and your family that this WORKS WORKS WORKS.   

What I would not do for another chance to go back and do what you are doing.  Things with my daughter are so bad - so horrendous and insane and beyond reporting on this site ( beyond processing) which is why I had to back away from posting but only occasional reading and I found myself having to simply get into the fetal position for a while. 

I pray for the outcome for your daughter that you seek- and believe that if you feel that God has led you to this decision that there is a wonderful  chance for a better outcome for your daughter- than there was for mine.

I give you lots of credit for pushing for this in spite of your husband not being completely on the same page.  When my D was 13 my H stuck his head in the sand and I was left alone to deal with a D who saw ME as the bad guy and H as the good guy while his actions or INactions not to mention enabling and endorsing and wanting to be the "friend" were helping sending our D down the drain.  Now he is on the same page for the most part but it is when they are your daughter's age- that you have control- not when they are older- above age.  It took forever for my H to get his head out of the sand. I know your husband is not the same- as my H was- he is maybe reticent a bit but you are going ahead and doing this...and that is what matters. 

I know this is a very painful decision - the way you have described it- but you are putting your emotions aside all the while- as best you can- and using "Wise Mind" and again- you feel led by God as telling you this is the right thing to do.

Anyway- I wanted to give you huge     's and tell you once again- that in my opinion- you are very wonderful as a mother.  You knew it was time to take action and you did LOTS AND LOTS OF RESEARCH and now putting into action what you believe to be best.

My heart is with you.  Best of luck.
 
wtsp

[lbjnltx]

well, it is playing out just like I suspected it would.  husband told BPDd-13 and at first she was excited saying "really?"  unfortunately he put a little too much emphasis on the "ranch" part of falcon ridge ranch and she became defiant saying "i'm not going!". (we live on a ranch so she would much rather go to an urban setting)she became some what accepting and then defiant and then back to acceptance...so we will just ride this out.  I expect more intense defiance once we begin to pack and she realizes that she doesn't need to take her wardrobe..she is focusing on taking her iphone...when she asked if she could take her phone I replied "yes, you can take your phone"  I left out the part where she has to give it up once she gets there...choosing battles and trying to be as honest as I can w/out derailing this whole process  ;p  

lbjnltx

[LionDreamer]

she became defiant saying "i'm not going!". (we live on a ranch so she would much rather go to an urban setting)she became some what accepting and then defiant and then back to acceptance.

It sounds like this is a process that will probably cycle a bit more but it sounds like you have not only thought out how this would go but you are ready to handle the emotional waves.     That part about the phone could be tough but then since it all is, choosing your battles sounds very important. 

Underneath your being so strong, it must all be heartbreaking.  My thoughts are with you
 
LD

[ingridp]

Hi lbj -

It's Tuesday night here & I'm thinking of you and praying that all will be OK and without too much trauma.

You are one brave lady. 

With love
 
Ingrid.

[lbjnltx]

hello friends,

we are back from our trip to the residential treatment center.  we left tues. around 10 am.  had a bit of a rough flight to vegas (30 mi. winds).  it is the first time BPDd-13 has been in a commercial jet so she got a little scared by the turbulence.  I asked her if she wanted to pray and she said yes ...so we did and she seemed fine after that.  once we arrived at our hotel in vegas we ate dinner and she and sister21 went to the pool for a while.  BPDd-13 was asleep by 9.  the next am BPDd-13 woke me up to tell me she was hungry so we went to starbucks, fed the birds at the pool and went shopping for a while on the strip.  we left for utah at 2 and arrived about 6.

while I filled out paper work husband, sd, and BPDd-13 took a quick tour of the ranch.  BPDd-13's therapist met w/dh while sd and BPDd-13 checked in all items BPDd-13 would need for her stay.  when it was time for us to leave BPDd-13 hugged each of us.  I took her face in my hands and looked her in the eye and told her "i love  you.  be a sweet girl. and brush your teeth  " she replied "i love you too" as she looked me in the eye.

when we got in the car sd told me that during the tour as they showed her the classrooms BPDd-13 said "there's school here? i'm not staying" but she just continued on the tour.  husband told me that when they told her they would have to take her iphone and keep it for her she replied "no, i'll just send it w/my dad so it will be safe".  no big melt down, no big deal.

the next am I called to talk to her case manager to see how she was doing.  she cried the first night saying "i miss my family"  ?   the next am she went to equine therapy and music.  she was a bit sad because it was a family weekend and most of the other girls had family there.  she is doing well so far with a mostly positive attitude and using good manners w/ the staff...so far.  I am sure there will come a time when she begins to become defiant if nothing else just to test the boundaries to see if she is going to be able to manipulate and when she finds she can't then she will become angry.  no worries...they are well versed on all of this.

i must say at this point that I am standing in amazement at the power of the positive energy, well wishes, thoughts and prayers.  this is the best possible outcome for this situation and a major shock to those who know my daughter.  even her therapist here at home was surprised!  praise God He came through for us again and thank you for helping me through this part of our life journey. 

i will update or start a new thread as we travel further down the road to recovery.

 

lbjnltx

[Matt]

Wow, this is encouraging, and I'm so happy for you.

But please stay balanced and be ready for some big bumps in the road.  Everything might continue to go well but if you talk to the staff there I bet they'll tell you that it's usually not that way.  You can't be too confident when things go well, or too worried when there are problems.  (Much easier said than done I know!)

Best wishes and please keep us posted!

Matt

[ingridp]

lbj, this is such wonderful news! We do serve a wonderful God!

Take this time to spoil and pamper yourself - you deserve it. 

All the best for whatever comes up tomorrow. 

With love
 
Ingrid

[lbjnltx]

hello dear friends,

just spoke w/BPDd-13's case manager...all is ok.  BPDd-13 is enjoying equine therapy and music therapy quite a bit.  still is not participating in group therapy, just sits quietly and listens.  it will take a while for her to trust and make herself vulnerable to the other girls in the group...quite normal I think.  she is on high risk watch at this time.  she has made some noise about running away so staff keeps her within arms reach at all times.

yesterday was her first day in classes and she did some of the work and turned it in.  I got her report card and taks test results last friday.  report card doesn't reflect her abilities...as usual.  she scored high in reading and writing receiving commendations in both on the taks.  math score was ok but nothing to brag about. 

missing her!

lbjnltx

[ingridp]

Hi lbj

I can understand that you're missing her. When I sent my s to his dad, it took me a couple of days and I found myself missing him too. I was good having time to myself, not having to worry what I would come home to, not dreading that each phone call would be from the school, etc. but I still missed him.

I'm so glad for you that she's settling down. It must be quite a relief for you.

Take special care of you. 

With love
 
Ingrid

[lbjnltx]

we will not be able to speak w/her until the 22nd. day.  we can write as much as we wish and she can write us back if she wants at any time.  we will have family therapy over the phone once a week w/her therapist and she will be able to talk to us on the phone for 20 minutes each week while the staff monitors her.  all correspondence must be through us...if the name and address are not on the list then she won't get the letter.

as far as equine therapy goes...we have our own horses so I will encourage my BPDd-13 to show me everything she learned while at falcon ridge and then show everyone she has to the house...keeping things fresh in her mind...

there are 3 books that BPDd-13 will study in group and individually.  they are:  positive peer culture, leadership and self deception, and anatomy of peace.  husband and I must read them as well.  I have already read anatomy of peace and have begun positive peer culture. 

has anyone else read any of these books?  care to comment?

i am much more relaxed and practicing radical acceptance...keep reminding myself that she is ok and getting the help she needs...still miss her like crazy!  we will be seeing her in september for a family weekend and another family weekend in december...i am hoping that instead of us going there in december she will be able to come home for her first home visit...i don't know though...they usually want to have a local overnight visit before letting them come home.

we will see what happens!

lbjnltx