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Author Topic: BPD patients, go through seperation... backwards?  (Read 1869 times)
ballinpapo
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« on: June 09, 2010, 11:37:18 AM »

If you read my other post, you know my situation. In my research I came across a site that claimed sufferers of BPD go through seperation differently than no BPD sufferers.

NON-BPD.. Right after the breakup, feel terrible and miserable, but heal over time.

BPD- Right after the breakup, feel amazing and great, but begin to remorse later on.

How true is this? anyone agree/disagree?

P.S- our relationship was not terrible in my eyes. and She (the BPD sufferer) left me. not the other way around.
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szia
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2010, 11:59:37 AM »

Yep, yep. And if you've ever been through the push/pull routine, you see it more clearly.

The push is a release. But as time wears on, due to whatever they go through as pwBPD, they become overcome with the need to pull. And so it goes. On and on until the Non is depleted of validation supply or the Non finally lets go once and for all.
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jpounce
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2010, 12:02:25 PM »

   I've read that same theory as well, numerous times in various places. Whether it's true or not... I couldn't say. Mine sure seemed like all was fine, and I simply no longer mattered, right after she left the relationship abruptly without explanation.

  Its been about 7 months now though, and if she's feeling any kind of remorse about it, she sure hasn't made any efforts to try to verbalize it to me.

  I used to feel like if she did want to come back, I'd be all   smiley about it.   But the more I learn about BPD, and the more I'm able to think about the whole relationship rationally thanks to time and distance... if she did express remorse and want to try again... I don't know if I'd be all  smiley ...  or all   shocked
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ballinpapo
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« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2010, 01:20:20 PM »

I guess its alittle awkward for me because she never got extremely abusive towards me. If anything at all it was towards everyone else/herself.
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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
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« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2010, 01:56:08 PM »

For me, it's as if he can FEEL my strength growing as I'm away.  And that is what makes him panic and pull me back in.  He uses emails (often jokes) and phone calls to pull me back.  His pull is proportionate to how much independence and feelings of being fed-up that he picks up on intuitively from me.  Because I am very fed up and have been going out more socially on my own, his pull has been very strong lately.  He knows exactly what the "good stuff" is that keeps me in the relationship...and that is exactly what he gives me.
Amazing 6th sense!
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ballinpapo
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« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2010, 02:01:50 PM »

For me, it's as if he can FEEL my strength growing as I'm away.  And that is what makes him panic and pull me back in.  He uses emails (often jokes) and phone calls to pull me back.  His pull is proportionate to how much independence and feelings of being fed-up that he picks up on intuitively from me.  Because I am very fed up and have been going out more socially on my own, his pull has been very strong lately.  He knows exactly what the "good stuff" is that keeps me in the relationship...and that is exactly what he gives me.
Amazing 6th sense!

My ex says she wants me to meet someone else, she claims, and to a large extent i feel like she is cured of her BPD... She says she needs to figure out what she wants from life for herself. She hasnt had anxiety attacks, hasnt called me, hasnt freaked out. Her friends all say she has been happier than ever, I just dont understand any of it. HOW.. after 3 years... just.. its only been 3 WEEKS!
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T2H
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« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2010, 06:08:06 PM »

It's almost certainly completely an act.  To possibly get you back (or back at you).  It can't be sustained.

Some can go for 6 months or more seemingly completely fine...  until they suddenly leave you one day and marry someone else the following weekend.
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szia
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« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2010, 06:13:40 PM »

To be "cured" of BPD takes years of intensive therapy.
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unknown
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« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2010, 06:57:20 PM »

do you mean if they break up with you they feel great at first?

because i once broke up with my BPD and she had a huge meltdown and became misrable and tried to kill herself.


then we later got back together (dont know what i was thinking), and had an amazing time. i made it so i did everything she said, held back any argument, and avoided conflict completly.    and then of course, she broke up with me lol and then rubbed her new boyfriend she ran to in my face and acted as if she never knew what it was like to get broken up with. it was crazy.
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T2H
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« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2010, 08:04:54 PM »

Hehe...  (well really sad )

But I think that's usually the case.  ie. you described both circumstances.  If they have someone else to jump to... super happy.  If not, devastated.

Then again, ballinpapo, maybe she's not actually really BPD - just has some of those traits for various reasons.  I don't mean to question you or your story.  But I imagine there's a small possibility of misdiagnosis - especially for younger people (I've read somewhere that you can't formally apply that label to someone under 18).  It's just that some things that she's doing don't quite make sense, but whatever - what really matters is how it affects you - and what you want/need/etc.
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bird
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« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2010, 11:28:24 PM »

I agree wholly with gatorgirl and my shrink also said a common thing about BPD's is their uncanny ability to intuitively read you at levels healthy people don't (which may be key to operating all their dysfunction, e.g. knowing when and how to push which button in other people to get what they need). In my relationship with my BPDx I cofused that with thinking that's how 'connected' we were. duh!
I feel like every time I would get a little stronger was when he'd start ing and when I knew I was back begining to trust, he'd break up again...we cycled 14 times in less than 1.5 yrs.

At the end, when I actually was stronger (the last time I saw him), he accused me of pretending to be strong...angrily and irritadedly...
Only a dysfunctional partner would have that attitude. He even said, "your just pretending to be strong, but I know you're not."

What an odd thing to say. Not a perspective a healthy person would have or focus on.
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16floorsup

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« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2010, 01:12:29 PM »

I think if it is truly BPD, it is not about how they really feel about you.  Their entire focus is on avoiding abandonment by enmeshing themselves with another person, because they do not have a sense of self anyway.  Therefore, it all depends on where they are with another person.  If they have been able to build a backup plan and enmesh themselves with someone else then they act happy and non-interested in the original partner because their whole focus is on mirroring their new partner.  But, as we all know will eventually will occur the new partner will start to push the envelope (only by asking them to be their own selves for which they do not have), and then the cycle starts.  If they fear that abandonment is soon or inevitable, they will start their backup plan, which means calling old exes and new people if there are any.  The closer to the end of their new relationship, the harder they will try to pull you back.  This is also why if they do not have anyone else waiting in the wings, then they lose it, and even get close to suicide because now they are all alone, and without a self, they are devastated individuals.

I think it truly is about their lack of self and identity, and so they are only using us and everyone else to fill this.  It comes across as heartless and cheating, etc, but it really is no more than their inability (childlike mindset) to be alone.
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T2H
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« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2010, 07:27:47 PM »

This is also why if they do not have anyone else waiting in the wings, then they lose it, and even get close to suicide because now they are all alone, and without a self, they are devastated individuals.

This is interesting to consider...  if all pwBPD would threaten/attempt suicide in the cases where they felt truly alone.  So if they do, it's an indicator that there's no backup of any sort (well good enough for that specific person).  For some, having family might be enough.  Or would some never do that even if completely on their own.
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ballinpapo
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« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2010, 07:54:21 PM »

I understand if my situation sounds off to some of you. But remember, even with BPD, no two people are alike. My ex for one is TERRIBLE at reading people. She has a hard time noticing when girls are bragging out of insecurity.

I truly feel like we broke up (the last month or so was misery) and started having fun with her friends, then realized that it made her happier than she was when she was with me (not that we were abusive, just that she would worry/wonder what im doing 24/7) and now she has no cycling thoughts.

I feel like she truly cares for me, but is worn down/ saw another light. Its just difficult to me because I was never a bad boyfriend to her. to be honest with you guys.. in her early therapy, she came onto this very forum and posted up about being worried about losing me. She was then informed that this is a forum for people dating people with BPD, not peoplel with BPD.

Its just difficult that she went off like a light switch, while im left behind in the wake.

To be honest with you guys, if anyone is push/pull right now its me =/. She offers to help me with my anxiety i get at random times throughout the day, And i feel like its a great strategy because it temporarily makes me feel happy, and i know i will eventually get bored of the situation and move on. But my gut/Pride keeps telling me i have to do NC. I know it all leads me on and i will only kick the can  down the road, and thus make life harder on myself.
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AlexDP
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« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2011, 01:58:03 PM »

Pretty interesting topic this one, any truth to it?
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sarah1234
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« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2011, 02:15:29 PM »

This is also why if they do not have anyone else waiting in the wings, then they lose it, and even get close to suicide because now they are all alone, and without a self, they are devastated individuals.

This is interesting to consider...  if all pwBPD would threaten/attempt suicide in the cases where they felt truly alone.  So if they do, it's an indicator that there's no backup of any sort (well good enough for that specific person).  For some, having family might be enough.  Or would some never do that even if completely on their own.


I feel from my uBPDexbf experience that during this period of misery he was just too disregulated to try to find someone new and utterly fixated on me anyway. All he could focus on that I was the one that would make things ok. I was THE ONE. Just me.. no one else would ever do. Obsessive behaviours and thinking plays in in these circumstances, so they feel alone because they just simply cannot have you. Finding a replacement isn't a feature either because it is too difficult or it doesn't even occur to them at that point.
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breakingpoint
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« Reply #16 on: March 28, 2011, 02:19:59 PM »

I think if it is truly BPD, it is not about how they really feel about you.  Their entire focus is on avoiding abandonment by enmeshing themselves with another person, because they do not have a sense of self anyway.  Therefore, it all depends on where they are with another person.  If they have been able to build a backup plan and enmesh themselves with someone else then they act happy and non-interested in the original partner because their whole focus is on mirroring their new partner.  But, as we all know will eventually will occur the new partner will start to push the envelope (only by asking them to be their own selves for which they do not have), and then the cycle starts.  If they fear that abandonment is soon or inevitable, they will start their backup plan, which means calling old exes and new people if there are any.  The closer to the end of their new relationship, the harder they will try to pull you back.  This is also why if they do not have anyone else waiting in the wings, then they lose it, and even get close to suicide because now they are all alone, and without a self, they are devastated individuals.

I think it truly is about their lack of self and identity, and so they are only using us and everyone else to fill this.  It comes across as heartless and cheating, etc, but it really is no more than their inability (childlike mindset) to be alone.

I agree with this 100%. It was when we were obviously having some tough times that he started his back up plan...eventually cheating on me with her. He can't be alone...ever...I know from the things he has told me about other women that he dated that he cheated on his wife many, many times. It was kind of funny looking back on it now...he would tell me stories about this woman, or that, and it never dawned on him that I would figure out the time lines and figure out he had been cheating on his wife for YEARS. He is off mirroring his 'new shiny object' now, just like he did with me in the beginning but he won't be able to play this game forever...his true feelings, beliefs and values will eventually shine through and the poor woman he id with now will be in for one helluva ride. I honestly feel sorry for her.
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« Reply #17 on: March 28, 2011, 02:38:10 PM »

I have no idea. My wife continued our efforts to reconcile (by phone) all while "seeing" a week-ender for those 6 months, and I wouldn't have known but for her daughter. Now that they're finished she's been asking me to come home. Her only comment about the other guy was, "I'm sorry she (her daughter) hurt you (by telling me about him)." When asked why she did it, it's everything from, "I felt unattractive and unwanted" to ""Because you weren't here" to "It's none of your business." I ran with the third one. But I honestly don't think there's any satisfactory answer she could give, so why even ask? I guess mine went through separation backwards, frontwards and sideways.

LW
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« Reply #18 on: March 28, 2011, 03:00:30 PM »

I brought up this topic because my ex has been fighting with her new guy for a week now (and their relationship is only 5 weeks old, not really a long honemyoon phase if you ask me). I  haven't heard from her yet and I wish I hadn't heard about this either (but ran into a mutual friend), but it surprises me on many levels.

First of all, most of her relationships have lasted 2,5 months. She hasn't really painted her ex's black, she just said she didn't like them anymore. Just left them without looking back and kept in touch (possibly to recycle them). With me it's a different story and I cannot, for the life of me, comprehend why. Our relationship lasted six months. All of her BPD traits showed after the three month honeymoon phase and we broke up and got back together numerous times. Every time she couldn't care less when we broke up, but started sobbing a day or two later. We had one major break up in January and just as I didn't care anymore, she wanted to reconcile at all costs.

Which brings me to February. We split up, because of minor issues again and I told her I wanted to be friends. I went out with a female friend. This did not go down well and I was painted black. I was accused of pretty much everything you can be accused of and when I tried to somehow correct the situation I was told I was stalking her. She got herself a new boyfriend the day after I went out with my friend (and I know for a fact they only met that very day). She has been with him since. And now they're in a fight already. And it surprises me because it hasn't been 2 and a half months. But it's as if she's sensing I'm detaching.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I am special or anything of the sort. I must have been unlucky enough to trigger her dark side. Or I wasn't hooked for a long time and that's why we lasted six months. I have no idea. And I know I should continue to detach and I know that the NC she imposed is going to be a good thing for us both. But it's odd.
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just_think
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« Reply #19 on: March 28, 2011, 03:01:06 PM »

I guess its alittle awkward for me because she never got extremely abusive towards me. If anything at all it was towards everyone else/herself.

yeah, that's exactly what mine did.  never abusive towards me (openly - she was cheating left and right behind my back) but hated the world/ herself
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