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Think About It... The Borderline and the narcissist. The borderline tends to be dominated mostly by abandonment fears, and the narcissistic person, by fear of the loss of specialness or appreciation.When the promise of that bond is threatened, the borderline responds with blame and attack defenses. The narcissist tends to withdraw, fears a loss of specialness, easily becomes injured or outraged ~Joan Lachkar, Ph.D..
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Author Topic: BPD patients, go through seperation... backwards?  (Read 2232 times)
ballinpapo

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« on: June 09, 2010, 11:37:18 AM »

If you read my other post, you know my situation. In my research I came across a site that claimed sufferers of BPD go through seperation differently than no BPD sufferers.

NON-BPD.. Right after the breakup, feel terrible and miserable, but heal over time.

BPD- Right after the breakup, feel amazing and great, but begin to remorse later on.

How true is this? anyone agree/disagree?

P.S- our relationship was not terrible in my eyes. and She (the BPD sufferer) left me. not the other way around.
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szia
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2010, 11:59:37 AM »

Yep, yep. And if you've ever been through the push/pull routine, you see it more clearly.

The push is a release. But as time wears on, due to whatever they go through as pwBPD, they become overcome with the need to pull. And so it goes. On and on until the Non is depleted of validation supply or the Non finally lets go once and for all.
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jpounce
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2010, 12:02:25 PM »

   I've read that same theory as well, numerous times in various places. Whether it's true or not... I couldn't say. Mine sure seemed like all was fine, and I simply no longer mattered, right after she left the relationship abruptly without explanation.

  Its been about 7 months now though, and if she's feeling any kind of remorse about it, she sure hasn't made any efforts to try to verbalize it to me.

  I used to feel like if she did want to come back, I'd be all   smiley about it.   But the more I learn about BPD, and the more I'm able to think about the whole relationship rationally thanks to time and distance... if she did express remorse and want to try again... I don't know if I'd be all  smiley ...  or all   shocked
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ballinpapo

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« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2010, 01:20:20 PM »

I guess its alittle awkward for me because she never got extremely abusive towards me. If anything at all it was towards everyone else/herself.
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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
gatorgirl
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« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2010, 01:56:08 PM »

For me, it's as if he can FEEL my strength growing as I'm away.  And that is what makes him panic and pull me back in.  He uses emails (often jokes) and phone calls to pull me back.  His pull is proportionate to how much independence and feelings of being fed-up that he picks up on intuitively from me.  Because I am very fed up and have been going out more socially on my own, his pull has been very strong lately.  He knows exactly what the "good stuff" is that keeps me in the relationship...and that is exactly what he gives me.
Amazing 6th sense!
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ballinpapo

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« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2010, 02:01:50 PM »

For me, it's as if he can FEEL my strength growing as I'm away.  And that is what makes him panic and pull me back in.  He uses emails (often jokes) and phone calls to pull me back.  His pull is proportionate to how much independence and feelings of being fed-up that he picks up on intuitively from me.  Because I am very fed up and have been going out more socially on my own, his pull has been very strong lately.  He knows exactly what the "good stuff" is that keeps me in the relationship...and that is exactly what he gives me.
Amazing 6th sense!

My ex says she wants me to meet someone else, she claims, and to a large extent i feel like she is cured of her BPD... She says she needs to figure out what she wants from life for herself. She hasnt had anxiety attacks, hasnt called me, hasnt freaked out. Her friends all say she has been happier than ever, I just dont understand any of it. HOW.. after 3 years... just.. its only been 3 WEEKS!
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T2H
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« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2010, 06:08:06 PM »

It's almost certainly completely an act.  To possibly get you back (or back at you).  It can't be sustained.

Some can go for 6 months or more seemingly completely fine...  until they suddenly leave you one day and marry someone else the following weekend.
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szia
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« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2010, 06:13:40 PM »

To be "cured" of BPD takes years of intensive therapy.
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unknown
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« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2010, 06:57:20 PM »

do you mean if they break up with you they feel great at first?

because i once broke up with my BPD and she had a huge meltdown and became misrable and tried to kill herself.


then we later got back together (dont know what i was thinking), and had an amazing time. i made it so i did everything she said, held back any argument, and avoided conflict completly.    and then of course, she broke up with me lol and then rubbed her new boyfriend she ran to in my face and acted as if she never knew what it was like to get broken up with. it was crazy.
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T2H
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« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2010, 08:04:54 PM »

Hehe...  (well really sad )

But I think that's usually the case.  ie. you described both circumstances.  If they have someone else to jump to... super happy.  If not, devastated.

Then again, ballinpapo, maybe she's not actually really BPD - just has some of those traits for various reasons.  I don't mean to question you or your story.  But I imagine there's a small possibility of misdiagnosis - especially for younger people (I've read somewhere that you can't formally apply that label to someone under 18).  It's just that some things that she's doing don't quite make sense, but whatever - what really matters is how it affects you - and what you want/need/etc.
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