To those who think the future is bleak

[Think About It...]

For those of you that are just starting the journey through what seems to be an endless tunnel of darkness, with not even a sliver of light to give you hope, this is written for you:

It has been a while since I have posted here. I guess that is a good sign in a way. Some of you may know my story, but to recap a bit so you can see where I am coming from, I will briefly describe my story.

 I was in an off and on, highly dysfunctional relationship for three years with a girl who was at times a low-functioning borderline but predominantly for the majority of the time a high functioning one. She easily met 9/9 of the criteria for BPD and was a classic textbook case. I was a people pleaser/push over/stubborn optimist/care-freak, so we went together like a bear and a bee-hive. The first few months, my world was on fire! The relationship was perfect. The attention, sex, adventure, was out of this world. After those first few months, the ugliness started rearing it's head. She broke up with me to pursue her ex-boyfriend but eventually I "won her back" and that is when our dysfunctional dance began. The next year she was the classic waif - she was always "hurting" - and I was always rescuing her - this cycle lasted until eventually we moved in together and that is when she turned into a Queen/Witch and the abuse started.  Our relationship was a bad soap opera of her loving me - then hating me - then abandoning me- then I would break down and beg for her to come back and "mercifully" she would take me back. This finally ended 7 months ago when she "fell in love" with a guy she met on and online video game.  I was devastated and heart broken and I never thought the pain would end.

The first few months after the break-up were the hardest. I was severely depressed, I lost a lot of weight and couldn't eat or sleep. I tried so hard to "get her back" but thankfully a part of me also did a good job sabotaging this and painting myself black enough that she would forever hate me. I am glad that I was able to do this, because in my weakest moments this has been a godsend - she has only tried to contact me twice in the last five months.

Anyways, after the depression got really bad, survival mode kicked in and I started relentlessly focusing on myself and getting better. This worked, but the always present/nagging feeling of missing her/hating her/wanting her - still haunted me. She was very much still a part of my life. Although I was now 100x better than the depression days, I never thought I would get passed this stage of having her constantly on my mind. I was afraid of starting relationships, I was restlessly seeking out old friendships, activities and adventure  not because I "enjoyed" them, but rather to "escape the nightmarish control" that she still had over me. When I could distract myself, I was fine, but when I exhausted these measures and had be by myself - the memories/hate/anguish/regret bombarded me. I was constantly needing distraction - and thats ok - but it was still cheating me of fully enjoying life. Distraction was better than depression, but far from being happy...

At first, I was looking for the silver bullet or magic pill to end my suffering - maybe a new girlfriend or adventure or job or quest - is what I needed. It was almost to the point of compulsion - I needed this... I was "obsessed" with finding the "cure from her." I started working out - got buff, found new hobbies, volunteered, studied like crazy to get straight As -etc etc etc but none of this resulted in finding the magic pill - I was looking for external solution to an internal problem.

It has been almost seven months now, and I never did find the magic pill or silver bullet, all I know is that I am better now. I really don't have any "sage" or "enlightened" advice to share on how to find the light at the end of the tunnel. It just sort of came on its own as a "magically indifferent" feeling. I didn't replace her with a new girl, dating is still messy as ever...,  I still have the same old boring job, haven't won the lottery or became a super-hero, so no real self-esteem catalyst - no emotional "break-through" or "found Jesus" story here either.

The only thing I have to offer is that I was as cynical about me ever getting over her as anyone of you might be about getting over your own BPD nightmares. I read similar stories to the one I am posting now and thought "How the hell am I ever going to get to that point - I just miss her/hate her/want her so damned badly... she will always be a part of me." Maybe they could move on, but I "knew" I just couldn't. She was too damned important.

I think it is safe to say, I was as addicted and obsessed with her as anyone here on these forums, 99% of my thoughts were dominated by thought surrounding her and her betrayal.

Well folks, like I said, I don't know how it happened, but gradually I have broken free of her spell. She is not a part of me anymore. I could care less about her like any other exgirlfriend of the past. I have found my own autonomy - and it didn't come over night or over some revolutionizing experience. First it was 99% of my thoughts, then 95% - then 90% all the way down to now where I am now thinking more thoughts about how much protein I am eating or if my dog needs a bath today, than I am thinking about her or her betrayal.

I guess what I am trying to say - and what I want to say, is that IT GETS BETTER! Don't be too hard on yourself and please please please, avoid my mistake of trying endlessly to find the silver bullet - it doesn't exist. It is a slow but steady process. There will be times it will seem unbearable, believe me, I have been there, even after the six month mark I would break down for moments at a time (maybe even in the future there will be triggering times), but eventually the light will come, first as a sliver and gradually it will increase until you are finally free from the darkness.

My goal is that maybe this post will give some of the other hard-nosed, stubborn cynics like myself some hope. If I, Mr. Fixer/Mr. Hopeless Romantic/Mr. Endless Reminiscence can find peace, you can too! Be patient, be persevering, be brave, and I promise you, things will get better.

Cheers to all of you who for having the courage to start your journey through the darkness of the NC tunnel! At times it is discouraging, lonely and exhausting, but the other side of the tunnel is so worth it!

 

-Mobocracy

[PotentiallyKevin]

For those of you that are just starting the journey through what seems to be an endless tunnel of darkness, with not even a sliver of light to give you hope, this is written for you:

It has been a while since I have posted here. I guess that is a good sign in a way. Some of you may know my story, but to recap a bit so you can see where I am coming from, I will briefly describe my story.

 I was in an off and on, highly dysfunctional relationship for three years with a girl who was at times a low-functioning borderline but predominantly for the majority of the time a high functioning one. She easily met 9/9 of the criteria for BPD and was a classic textbook case. I was a people pleaser/push over/stubborn optimist/care-freak, so we went together like a bear and a bee-hive. The first few months, my world was on fire! The relationship was perfect. The attention, sex, adventure, was out of this world. After those first few months, the ugliness started rearing it's head. She broke up with me to pursue her ex-boyfriend but eventually I "won her back" and that is when our dysfunctional dance began. The next year she was the classic waif - she was always "hurting" - and I was always rescuing her - this cycle lasted until eventually we moved in together and that is when she turned into a Queen/Witch and the abuse started.  Our relationship was a bad soap opera of her loving me - then hating me - then abandoning me- then I would break down and beg for her to come back and "mercifully" she would take me back. This finally ended 7 months ago when she "fell in love" with a guy she met on and online video game.  I was devastated and heart broken and I never thought the pain would end.

The first few months after the break-up were the hardest. I was severely depressed, I lost a lot of weight and couldn't eat or sleep. I tried so hard to "get her back" but thankfully a part of me also did a good job sabotaging this and painting myself black enough that she would forever hate me. I am glad that I was able to do this, because in my weakest moments this has been a godsend - she has only tried to contact me twice in the last five months.

Anyways, after the depression got really bad, survival mode kicked in and I started relentlessly focusing on myself and getting better. This worked, but the always present/nagging feeling of missing her/hating her/wanting her - still haunted me. She was very much still a part of my life. Although I was now 100x better than the depression days, I never thought I would get passed this stage of having her constantly on my mind. I was afraid of starting relationships, I was restlessly seeking out old friendships, activities and adventure  not because I "enjoyed" them, but rather to "escape the nightmarish control" that she still had over me. When I could distract myself, I was fine, but when I exhausted these measures and had be by myself - the memories/hate/anguish/regret bombarded me. I was constantly needing distraction - and thats ok - but it was still cheating me of fully enjoying life. Distraction was better than depression, but far from being happy...

At first, I was looking for the silver bullet or magic pill to end my suffering - maybe a new girlfriend or adventure or job or quest - is what I needed. It was almost to the point of compulsion - I needed this... I was "obsessed" with finding the "cure from her." I started working out - got buff, found new hobbies, volunteered, studied like crazy to get straight As -etc etc etc but none of this resulted in finding the magic pill - I was looking for external solution to an internal problem.

It has been almost seven months now, and I never did find the magic pill or silver bullet, all I know is that I am better now. I really don't have any "sage" or "enlightened" advice to share on how to find the light at the end of the tunnel. It just sort of came on its own as a "magically indifferent" feeling. I didn't replace her with a new girl, dating is still messy as ever...,  I still have the same old boring job, haven't won the lottery or became a super-hero, so no real self-esteem catalyst - no emotional "break-through" or "found Jesus" story here either.

The only thing I have to offer is that I was as cynical about me ever getting over her as anyone of you might be about getting over your own BPD nightmares. I read similar stories to the one I am posting now and thought "How the hell am I ever going to get to that point - I just miss her/hate her/want her so damned badly... she will always be a part of me." Maybe they could move on, but I "knew" I just couldn't. She was too damned important.

I think it is safe to say, I was as addicted and obsessed with her as anyone here on these forums, 99% of my thoughts were dominated by thought surrounding her and her betrayal.

Well folks, like I said, I don't know how it happened, but gradually I have broken free of her spell. She is not a part of me anymore. I could care less about her like any other exgirlfriend of the past. I have found my own autonomy - and it didn't come over night or over some revolutionizing experience. First it was 99% of my thoughts, then 95% - then 90% all the way down to now where I am now thinking more thoughts about how much protein I am eating or if my dog needs a bath today, than I am thinking about her or her betrayal.

I guess what I am trying to say - and what I want to say, is that IT GETS BETTER! Don't be too hard on yourself and please please please, avoid my mistake of trying endlessly to find the silver bullet - it doesn't exist. It is a slow but steady process. There will be times it will seem unbearable, believe me, I have been there, even after the six month mark I would break down for moments at a time (maybe even in the future there will be triggering times), but eventually the light will come, first as a sliver and gradually it will increase until you are finally free from the darkness.

My goal is that maybe this post will give some of the other hard-nosed, stubborn cynics like myself some hope. If I, Mr. Fixer/Mr. Hopeless Romantic/Mr. Endless Reminiscence can find peace, you can too! Be patient, be persevering, be brave, and I promise you, things will get better.

Cheers to all of you who for having the courage to start your journey through the darkness of the NC tunnel! At times it is discouraging, lonely and exhausting, but the other side of the tunnel is so worth it!

 

-Mobocracy

[Mousse]

Thank you for sharing this, Mobocracy.  Your honesty, self-reflection, and straightforwardness really make this post powerful.

 I think it will help many people here 

[cp3]

Thanks for the post Mobocracy.  I almost felt like you were talking directly to me.  Its just been a couple weeks since this happened to me so things are hopefully at their worst right now.  I'm just still having a hard time figuring out how someone could throw away a 5 yr relationship to start a brand new one, when they told me a 1,000,000 times I was their "soulmate."  Its good to know that this too shall pass.

Thanks,

Cp3

[Autumn899]

Thanks for your lovely post, Mobocracy.

My goal is that maybe this post will give some of the other hard-nosed, stubborn cynics like myself some hope.

It is nice to know that other people experience the same cynical feelings about future relationships after a relationship with a BPD. I tried to explain to someone recently how cynical, suspicious and untrusting i was feeling of the population in general. She told me not to become hardened by my experience, and to remember than not everyone has BPD and will treat me the same way he did.

But Im really afraid that i wont be able to trust again. That ill meet someone, who will seem lovely, but a voice in the back of my head will say "Yes but he [BPDex] seemed lovely too, and look what happened..." I also feel a little... repulsed at the idea of any kind of intimate contact with a romantic interest. Perhaps repulsed is too strong a word, but i certainly feel no desire at all to meet someone else (and yet, i also know i am lonely. Such contradicting feelings). I remember the first abusive event with my BPD ex, and it left me feeling repulsed by him, so i know this is directly related to him, and not to anything else.

It has only been 2 months since i separated from my BPDex, which i know is such a short time that the wounds are still raw. You say time will help, and for now, I will hold you to this

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[thisblonde]

Thank you so much for sharing that Mobo!  You story is so encouraging!  It's nice to reach the other side.  For me though, Once I got there it made me wonder why I wallowed in the valley so long, and doubted I would ever reach the other side.  But that too brought on new confidence that I could go through the valley again and remember past successes as a way to rally on.  Thank you so much for reminding me of that!

[DAS]

Wow.

 I can relate almost word for word with the middle part of your story. I do things to be able to distract myself from the inner pain but get washed over when my mind is not otherwise occupied. I want something external to fix it. And I have no idea how I'm ever going to get out of this tunnel.

 So thanks 

[goldenblunder]

Thank you for this wonderful post.  I promise that I will try to post something similar if/when I ever get there.

[damaged]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am at the beginning of hopefully the same journey. Heavily involved for 11 yrs with BP. I was spurned 'again' 6 weeks back.

I am going to print up your post and tack it up on my wall. It helps.

[ve01603]

Thanks for posting this.  You are so right.  I think that I myself am doing pretty well.  It has been seven weeks for me and today was bad because it is six years today that we met.  I realized it when I got to work and the tears came for a minute.

But it does get easier.  Now I am at a stage where I am really feeling that it is his loss.  He will never find anyone that cared for him like I did and that I KNOW. He pushed himself to a breakdown with 24/7 pot and lots of drinking and I still stood by him and brought him home with me from the hospital when my friends and family all said "get him out of there, he could kill you."

When I think of how badly he treated me, I really do not want that anymore.  Even if I never meet anyone, I don't want that.  And I really realize that he does not give one damn about me and never did.  You have to be away from it to realize it.  What kind of a monster could go out to lunch with you that day with his mom, niece, and sister and then that night while you are watching TV at 10:00 p.m. say, "I think I'm moving out, and get up and leave at 10:00 p.m. on a Saturday night after six years?  It's totally nuts!

The sorriest part for me is that I don't have any time to go out socially at all right now because of a full time job, classes, and getting another license for my  job.

But then that might be good too.  I don't think I'd know how to act.

[Sharon Jones]

I would like to join everyone else in their thanks and congratulations.  You're very articulate (I like the waif/witch analogy--I wonder what the male version of that would be...).

It's good to know that slowly, things will get better.

[rosebud]

So happy for you Mobo!    ...me too.

[pbles]

Mobo

Adding my thanks to those above.

It's been 2 months for me and I still hurt like crazy.  The first 4 weeks were OK.  I was angry and I let that anger work for me.  I ignored his contact, the anger then the apology then the "I miss you".  4 weeks ago he sent one again and, stupidly I responded.  He sent one back saying he should have been nicer to me then nothing and I've been obsessing ever since.

So stupid.

On top of that I lost my job because the company I was with is having financial difficulty.  I loved the job and it was keeping me sane during the weeks so I was only morbid on the weekends.  Now I don't have that either so every day is like the weekend.

I've tried dating and doing all the things you mentioned - manically trying to keep my head occupied with things other than this stupid relationship but I feel even more depressed when I come home from those - none of which have been remotely satisfying.  So, like you, I try to fill the time with friends, gym, outings, anything - and go to bed alone every night and wake up every morning with dread that I have to face it all again and try to keep busy.

I know I have to "find myself" but I hate my own company and my head that never stops.

You say seven months - it's been two and I'm not looking forward to another 5 of these however I live in hope I'll get there sooner.

Thanks, again, Mobo.

[innerspirit]

Again, thanks.   x

[Stargirl]

Great post! I´m so glad for you, and thanks for writing it down and sharing!  x

[PotentiallyKevin]

Thanks for your lovely post, Mobocracy.

She told me not to become hardened by my experience, and to remember than not everyone has BPD and will treat me the same way he did.  Im really afraid that i wont be able to trust again. That ill meet someone, who will seem lovely, but a voice in the back of my head will say "Yes but he [BPDex] seemed lovely too, and look what happened..."

Autumn -Yeah, it took me a while to get over that exact same thing. I finally don't see every potential date as "having BPD." Eventually you will learn to trust your instincts and open yourself up to people again.

I also feel a little... repulsed at the idea of any kind of intimate contact with a romantic interest. Perhaps repulsed is too strong a word, but i certainly feel no desire at all to meet someone else (and yet, i also know i am lonely. Such contradicting feelings). I remember the first abusive event with my BPD ex, and it left me feeling repulsed by him, so i know this is directly related to him, and not to anything else.

I also know exactly how you feel here. Also, I used to think "What is the point of starting a knew relationship? I put so much effort into it only to get burned and left with nothing..." Basically I was exhausted and emotionally bankrupt from the fallout - I had to find myself and find out what makes me happy, so I could start filling up my 'emotional bank account' sort of speak, so then I could venture out into the dating world again. It takes times, a lot of goal setting/meeting to build back the self confidence and overall positive outlook on life again.

Go easy on yourself. These feelings are very natural and for the time being, necessary. They keep you safe from starting another dysfunctional relationship and give you time to heal.

   Cheers to you!

[PotentiallyKevin]

Thank you for this wonderful post.  I promise that I will try to post something similar if/when I ever get there.

GB I am going to hold you to this! See you on the other side, friend!

[PotentiallyKevin]

 .. Now I am at a stage where I am really feeling that it is his loss.  He will never find anyone that cared for him like I did and that I KNOW.

When I think of how badly he treated me, I really do not want that anymore.  Even if I never meet anyone, I don't want that.  And I really realize that he does not give one damn about me and never did.  You have to be away from it to realize it. 

Ve - Exactly! Us nons typically are generous, exemplary, wonderful people. THEIR LOSS! I had to find this out for myself, because after the relationship ended, I felt dirty, useless, and unlovable - WHICH IS NOT THE CASE - I did add a lot of dysfunction to the relationship, but honestly - I am not ashamed by the majority of my actions - I acted in a loving, selfless way that I can look back at and be proud of. I have forgiven myself for my faults and embraced my strengths. We deserve someone who is much like ourselves and puts the same efforts we put into the relationship.

The sorriest part for me is that I don't have any time to go out socially at all right now because of a full time job, classes, and getting another license for my  job. But then that might be good too.  I don't think I'd know how to act.

Well, yeah, distraction can be a good thing... for now... Just promise me that when the time comes, and you do have the time and opportunity, and feel like you have sufficiently healed, that you aren't afraid to shine.

   Cheers!

[PotentiallyKevin]

Thanks for the post Mobocracy.  I almost felt like you were talking directly to me.  Its just been a couple weeks since this happened to me so things are hopefully at their worst right now.  I'm just still having a hard time figuring out how someone could throw away a 5 yr relationship to start a brand new one, when they told me a 1,000,000 times I was their "soulmate."  Its good to know that this too shall pass.

Thanks,

Cp3

CP3 Glad this has helped! Unfortunately you probably are at the most difficult time of the healing process... when i was at the 2-4 week stage, I alternated between extremely hating her and glad she is gone, to contacting her, begging her to talk it out... I was pathetic. I am so so so glad that that stage is over. I lost weight, was self-medicating on old drugs, and didn't sleep for days at a time. 99% of my day was consumed by thoughts surrounding her. I feel for you.

I hate the word "soulmate", because that too was thrown around like crazy in my relationship. In facts, just two weeks before we broke up, she was dead certain she wanted to marry me - then WHAM, she has this new toy she is so fond of playing with... kinda hard to stomach it isn't it? That is why these relationships are so hard to get over and why others who haven't experienced this just can't understand...

Do you like to exercise? I found out that strenuous exercise was much better than the anti-depressants... It was a great distraction as well. Stay away from alcohol as well. It would turn the best distracting days into a complete mess...

Good luck, and I wish you well with your recovery. Feel free to msg me anytime if you need to talk to someone who understands.

   Cheers!

[TheCleverCowboy]

Mobocracy... I missed your posts and did wonder where the heck you were! Little did I know you were out there healing 

As usual, your words were striking and spoke to me. I am glad you found yourself again.

Best wishes,

WG

[SpreadingMyWings]

Words of wisdom there Mobocracy 

Ive been waiting for that something to happen - that new man, my knight in shining armour or a lottery win or just something, anything that is going to be the 'deal-breaker' but you've just brought me back down to earth andr reminded me that this aint actually going to happen - instead i need to continue on MY journey of self-healing and discovery so i can find happiness without him and also without anything else but my life as it is.

Thank you - you have made me feel better after a very down day  x