D18 leaving for college in a month. Advice?

[Think About It...]

My daughter is leaving for college in a little less than a month.  She has BPD and has been hospitalized 5 times in the past 2 years for it.  She seems to sabbotage any progress she makes.  She will be living in the dorms, about an hour from home.  Can anyone give me any advice on how to help her make it through this without issue?

[Maybell]

My daughter is leaving for college in a little less than a month.  She has BPD and has been hospitalized 5 times in the past 2 years for it.  She seems to sabbotage any progress she makes.  She will be living in the dorms, about an hour from home.  Can anyone give me any advice on how to help her make it through this without issue?

[lbjnltx]

greetings maybelle,

congrats on getting your d through high school and accepted at a college.  if she struggles w/stress and separation from home.....there are sure to be some problems that arise.  the best advice i can give is for you to prepare your d ahead of time w/contact numbers for support.  would she be open to the freshman counselor knowing about her emotional dysregulation?  if so that would be a key person for her/you to have regular contact with.  also the numbers of siblings she feels ok talking to honestly, grandparents, aunts, close friends, suicide prevention hot lines, etc.....

financially this is a huge gamble.  are you sure she doesn't want to go to a jr. college for a few semesters to see how it goes? 

best of luck!
lbjnltx

[Maybell]

She has had her heart set on going to the university since she was in 5th grade.  She is a real go-getter and is very self-propelled when it comes to work and school.  The emotional dysregulation in relationships is what really defeats her.  We do plan on going often to eat dinner with her and such.  And she knows she can come home whenever needed.  As far as the counselor, that will depend on how she cliques with him/her.  My D is still in denial that she has a problem---even after all of the hospitalizations and "crashes".  She does go to her counselor here in our town, but only because she's been told she has to.  I will talk to her tonight about maybe contacting the counselor at the university together.  I would like her to go with as many coping tools in place as she can have.  The good thing is that all but one of her classes are classes that she LOVES and excels in.  She is a music major---and learning and performing music is her passion.  I am hoping that she will do ok since she is in classes that she loves.

[lbjnltx]

dear maybelle,

it is good that she loves her classes......remember that even happy and good things can cause stress....Christmas, moving to a new house, big parties we throw....

college is a whole new world, no teachers to hold your hand throughout the year, no reminders at the end of each class, no mom and dad to come home to.  it is a big transition for most "normal" teens...for a bpd..

 

lbjnltx

[snooky77]

I hope that things go really well for her. Some kids (my 20 year old daughter included) do really well once they don't have you to play off of. She may rise to the occasion if she wants it bad enough. Last Thanksgiving my daughter left a residential treatment center semi AMA. I held my ground and would not let her move home. We rented an apartment for her by her Jr College and then by some miracle funding came through for her and paid for the apartment. She is doing much better (I think) on her own. She comes home often and is much more pleasant than she used to be. I plan to never have her live at home again (for her own good). She tells me that her eating disorder is under better control living alone

[bigtoe]

My BPDd sounds similar to yours. High school years were extremely difficult- and home life with her siblings was disruptive. I don't remember many days that went by without some sort of altercation/ crisis. Hospitalizations, trouble with the law, trouble in school, and being emotionally unstable. I encouraged her to go to college in another city, not living at home. I needed a break and so did her siblings. I was not at all sure that it would work, but felt that for my own sanity and the sake of a peaceful home, I felt like we had to try it. And she wanted to go to. For Freshman and Sophmore year, she held it together pretty well- making decent grades and living on campus- spending vacations and holidays at home.Things weren't perfect and there were still altercations and scenes but certainly with diminished frequency. During this time her therapy was spotty and inconsistent at best and she would not take medications. This year (junior year) it all fell apart- she is on academic suspicion from school ( basically quit going to school) had a another hospitalization, and has done and said some pretty horrible things to me in the last several months. Her lease is up soon and am I trying to convince her to get into regular treatment with medication, try going back to school part time and with a lighter load, and find another apartment to lease. She is making noises about coming back home to live and I honestly don't think I can do it. Her younger siblings have also asked me to please not allow it. They love her and want her to be happy, but suffered greatly during her high school years.
 If I really thought she would do better here I would consider it, but her eating disorder has always been worse here, and she has not cooperated any better with treatment living with me than living on her own. I have never been able to keep her safe here. I have a very stressful job, have raised my kids by myself, and need peace at home. I also think this situation has shortened my life. So I have told her that I do not believe that coming back home would be a good idea for either of us.  Should I rent her another apartment and tell her this is where she must go?I will pay for school , her apartment and her treatment, I do not think I am obligated to let her come home, am I?

[lbjnltx]

no big toe you are not obligated.

paying for her education after she got on ac. sus. is not your obligation either....it may be your choice....but ot your obligation.

paying for her an apartment is not an obligation either.....it is a choice.

you choose......that is your right!

lbjnltx

[tammy]

BPD has demanded a constant reassessing of goals and expectations. My daughter has had false starts and detours in her college. She has horrible organizational skills and puts everything off till the last moment. Living at home, this created a lot of stress for me! Last semester she was in an ecology class which required several labs which she put off till the last week! I spent weeks of my life over the semester hounding her to get done... I was certain she had failed the class. She got a B! I convinced myself she needed to be with me. That she'd fail without my constant supervision. Believing this made me NUTS! So for my sanity I moved her out at the beginning of the summer. I figured if she was going to crash then let it happen before classes begin. I do not think she has ever been happier. She cooks, her house is spotless, she walks her dogs and does her laundry. Her bf is completely supportive and their relationship is basically drama free now. I know with bpd we have to expect that things may not go smoothly, I know there's a chance there will be some sort of self destruction and there seems to be a greater risk then with our nonbpd kids or friends' kids... but I also believe that people can amaze us. So if you think your daughter's ready and she has a support network; therapist, Dr ect and she is in compliance with her meds... give her (and maybe more importantly yourself) a chance! If she has to leave school, or start over again, or whatever then that's okay too. Plenty of nonbpds experience that too! Just my thoughts... I'm no expert!

[snooky77]

Dear Bigtoe, you literally could have been writing about my daughter. Sometimes when she cones home she is happy and great fun, other times she drives everyone nuts. In early June my husband left town for a business trip and by the end of the day she was threatening suicide and terrorizing her siblings. Last week my husband again had to leave town for a week and he suggested to her that I was going to be home all week cleaning and would need a lot of help. She left for her own apartment that afternoon and though she has called several times (actually pleasant conversations) she has stayed away all week. It has been a really good week!!. Middle daughter (age 21) has issues with BPD sister coming home and going through her room taking things. I had a lock installed on middle daughters bedroom door. Snooky

[bigtoe]

Hi Snooky,
It does help to know that we are not alone in this struggle. My BPDd called last night and basically told me how much she hated me and how every bad thing in her life was my fault. I took her car away because she has wrecked it 3 times, gotten speeding tickets, a failure to appear and has lately been drinking heavily. Now I am even worse in her eyes for doing this. I just couldn't afford the liability any more.
Her lease is up soon and she has done nothing to get a new apartment, go back to school , find a job or get into therapy. I cannot have her move back home. She is too disruptive.So I don't know what will happen next.
I put a deadbolt on my bedroom door which I keep locked at all times during her visits.

[snooky77]

Dear Bigtoe, Listen to your own boundaries and your other children and do not let her move home. It will deteriorate. I am so, so happy that my d20 is living on her own. I will never let her move home and create the chaos that she once did. I am a much better, more tolerant mother when she is not living under my roof. Get social services involved. Read some books on Boundaries (by authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend) and really understand what you can and cannot tolerate. Experience joy in your other children and be really kind to yourself. Snooky

[bigtoe]

Hi
Snooky,

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I just moved BPD d into long term motel until I can get her into an apartment that I found. It's costing me a lot of money - but peace at home is worth everything.l