Trash Talk

[Think About It...]

Why does the ex have to keep going to everyone in the universe and talk trash about the other. is this a common trait? My ex has literally went to every person we knew together (and some I don't know) and gave them every detail of our relationship and break up. His twisted version of course. He called ex boyfriends to "discuss" me and "my" problems. My mother, my best friend, my sister, his co workers and old friends from high school. He actually contacted an ex boyfriend and told him I said all this horrible stuff about him. I actually haven't talked to this guy in years, I just had his address in a old address book. He contacted  my friends on Facebook etc, called my T. Its so embarrasing. Why do they feel the need to destroy you? We have been broke up for two months and he still is talking about me. I cringe when I think of the stuff he is saying. Not to mention stuff I told him in private is out in the street. My family is on to him and won't take his calls but everybody else that doesn't know his problems are just listening away to all the crap he is spewing. 
I mean, I think this is go to court kind of slander.its crazy

[Autumn10]

Why does the ex have to keep going to everyone in the universe and talk trash about the other. is this a common trait? My ex has literally went to every person we knew together (and some I don't know) and gave them every detail of our relationship and break up. His twisted version of course. He called ex boyfriends to "discuss" me and "my" problems. My mother, my best friend, my sister, his co workers and old friends from high school. He actually contacted an ex boyfriend and told him I said all this horrible stuff about him. I actually haven't talked to this guy in years, I just had his address in a old address book. He contacted  my friends on Facebook etc, called my T. Its so embarrasing. Why do they feel the need to destroy you? We have been broke up for two months and he still is talking about me. I cringe when I think of the stuff he is saying. Not to mention stuff I told him in private is out in the street. My family is on to him and won't take his calls but everybody else that doesn't know his problems are just listening away to all the crap he is spewing. 
I mean, I think this is go to court kind of slander.its crazy

[PainAuChocolat]

Hopefully they'll realise it's him, not you.  x

[BigBen]

I have to admit that I have spoken to a few people. It was strange. Her family contacted me after the break-up wanting to know what happened. Telling me they loved me and wished they could have told me to run when  they met me. I remember when i met her aunt. The way she looked at me -  almost like a sad,  pleading look. I noticed it but could not interpret what the look meant.

Three of her relative contacted me though - each telling me she was crazy. One even told me smy ex had started screwing one of her professors right after the break-up. So, that meant she was seeing two other people besides stopping by my place on frequent booty calls.

Several other mutual friends appraoched me with the same thing. They knew she was sick.  I approached one this time, because it was an old friend of mine and I need a reality check. Without even going into detail, the same storyline: she's crazy. Sometimes, a person needs a reality check.

I assume she's trying to paint me black. Even though, I saw where she twittered that "she is gonna need counselling". I would certainly agree.

[RealEyes]

Why does the ex have to keep going to everyone in the universe and talk trash about the other. is this a common trait? My ex has literally went to every person we knew together (and some I don't know) and gave them every detail of our relationship and break up. His twisted version of course. He called ex boyfriends to "discuss" me and "my" problems. My mother, my best friend, my sister, his co workers and old friends from high school. He actually contacted an ex boyfriend and told him I said all this horrible stuff about him. I actually haven't talked to this guy in years, I just had his address in a old address book. He contacted  my friends on Facebook etc, called my T. Its so embarrasing. Why do they feel the need to destroy you? We have been broke up for two months and he still is talking about me. I cringe when I think of the stuff he is saying. Not to mention stuff I told him in private is out in the street. My family is on to him and won't take his calls but everybody else that doesn't know his problems are just listening away to all the crap he is spewing. 
I mean, I think this is go to court kind of slander.its crazy

If he's said anything that's character assassination or appears like harassment, and you have actual proof of this, text, email, FB etc..., make out a police report of it, get it documented like i just did last week on the nut i dated off and on for about 3 months! He kept saying he was gong to call the police (now said he never would have done this after he found out i dont make serious idle threats like he i guess was doing for nothing but now he thinks he can get a restraining order i guess for making him have sex 3 times in one day with me? nuts!) for simple disagreements adult have after saying he didn't want anymore contact with me bc i was insane or crazy then looked up my Director's name and email, text it to me as a threat for no reason but i gave him a zanax that made him too sleepy? I'd had it with him and his childish madness, began police documentation for my own safety against that nut but i still wanted sex with him, making this report should keep him away from tempting me anymore:)!

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[seeking balance]

I admit that I have talked to some people too.  I was at the hairdresser today even and he said she was in a couple of weeks ago and seemed crazy.  I didn't say a lot, but I did give some of the scenerios of what had happened. 
I also contacted her best friend to let her know that I would not be taking care of her any longer and that she might want to keep up with whatever she is doing because she is spinning out of control. 

[PainAuChocolat]

That is what I have experienced too - he said certain things to mutual friends (or his side of our mutual friends) then I felt like I had to justify myself and somehow get the message through to them involving my side of the story.

In a way it doesn't matter, my close friends know how nuts he has acted and how it has all upset me.

The other way around happened too - when he went through his first "episode" I was so worried for him and the way he acted out of character (and he clearly didn't want me around), that I contacted his sister and a close friend of his to ask for their support. They both called him and he (when we were talking again) said how nice it was to hear from them, and I came clean... He thanked me at the time, he was touched I cared so much.

Now it has turned into a bit of a farce though, some of our friends are convinced I am the nut, some agree with me that he is acting unreasonably and hurtful.
I asked him to copy his mother into emails he sends to me to make sure the conversation is "clean" but he ended up disclosing some extremely personal information to our mothers that was none of their business and made me feel uncomfortable.

Still, I prefer this to unfettered rants and accusations...

[JoannaK]

These kinds of things will help you to see who your real friends and supporters are.  It is probably best to just put your chin up and go on.  I would hope that any real friends will either not talk to him or will contact you to get your side of the story.

[innerspirit]

I think it's a big diversion tactic, self-serving too.  X may project that you're about to trash him, his own sense of guilt plaguing him, he can't handle that so he takes another pre-emptory strike.  To anyone who will listen.  And without you there to defend yourself.  He "wins" by gaining sympathy -- in his mindset only one of the 2 of you can be painted white.  A cheap and easy way to get that payoff.
My X used to threaten me with The Court of Popular Opinion.  I'm sure there's been a bunch of drama in that courtroom.  Oh well...
It sucks to take the high road but I gotta remember it's the high road.

[NewStart]

Mine went door to door in MY neighborhood telling MY neighbors that I had anger issues and was abusive etc?  And this was some sort of preemptive strike as she had broken into my house and poured a beer on me in my sleep and she was upset about who I had/would tell!  I remember before she started her campagne against me she actually threatened me!  She said, "tell me everyone you've told or I'm going to tell everyone you pick your nose, or that you're abusive or or or..."?  I remember my head just spinning thinking, is this really happening this grown woman is threatening to spread lies about me to hurt me? 

One think I learned and would pass on is to JUST LET IT GO.  I think what hurt me more than her lies was how I reacted trying frantically to defend myself to people... she had me so off my rocker... should have JUST LET IT GO...

[gatorgirl]

I'm not an expert, but it seems that the "trash talk" happens in any relationship where there are a lot of emotions and unfinished business.  It's really another form of gossip and triangling, where the two people are trying to work through things without talking directly to each other.  I also think that with a pwBPD, they use it for attention-seeking purposes and to try desperately to avoid  responsibility.  When you think about it...it takes a lot of work to keep that "Mr. Hyde" side under wraps. 

My ex used sympathy as a major part of reeling me in in the beginning of the relationship.  He wants to convince a woman that she is there to be better than the ones before her and that he has all of this heartache that he has been unfairly subjected to.  So it's very important that he play the victim as part of his pulling someone new in to be his "lady knight in shining armor."

I will admit that before my ex and I broke up, I talked with two female acquaintances that are more a part of his world than mine.  I told them that I thought he was seeing someone else.  It was wrong for me to do that because it didn't help solve anything.  I think I was wanting to find out what they knew and maybe even wanting a dose of sympathy myself.  I think it was also killing me that he was keeping his affairs hidden so well right under everyone's noses.

[Autumn10]

Thanks for the encourgement guys. I know I need to let it go and why the hell do I care what these people think anyway? I did talk to a few people that he got to and even though they know he is disturbed, I got the impression that they think less of me for dating him. I don't know, I guess I will have to get over this. Like you say, CHIN UP.

[innerspirit]

Thanks for the encourgement guys. I know I need to let it go and why the hell do I care what these people think anyway? I did talk to a few people that he got to and even though they know he is disturbed, I got the impression that they think less of me for dating him. I don't know, I guess I will have to get over this. Like you say, CHIN UP.

Well a big part of recovery is seeing ourselves with our own eyes again, rather than some projection of what X must be thinking/saying about us.

 I also think that with a pwBPD, they use it for attention-seeking purposes and to try desperately to avoid  responsibility.  When you think about it...it takes a lot of work to keep that "Mr. Hyde" side under wraps.

Yep -- they backpedal as fast as they can.  Two words motivate them:  Damage control.

[Autumn10]

One thing I would like to mention is, I never did talk bad about him. I still don't though its been really tempting to do some character assignations in retaliation. I figured why bother, he is much better at it then me and it just invites more crap.

[innerspirit]

One thing I would like to mention is, I never did talk bad about him. I still don't though its been really tempting ..

I figured why bother, he is much better at it then me

I don't think it's anything to brag about.  It's fighting dirty.

[PainAuChocolat]

My ex used sympathy as a major part of reeling me in in the beginning of the relationship.  He wants to convince a woman that she is there to be better than the ones before her and that he has all of this heartache that he has been unfairly subjected to.  So it's very important that he play the victim as part of his pulling someone new in to be his "lady knight in shining armor."

OMG Gator girl, I've so been there! Sounds just like my ex xx