FEAR

[Think About It...]

As I was replying in another thread I remembered something interesting my ex told me when we first started dating. He asked me "Do you know the definition of fear?" and then said it meant F#@$ Everything And Run...I should have seen this as a sign that he thinks this way but at the time I thought it was cute and funny. From reading all these posts it looks like everyone with BPD things this way, it is their motto.

[heartbroken71]

As I was replying in another thread I remembered something interesting my ex told me when we first started dating. He asked me "Do you know the definition of fear?" and then said it meant F#@$ Everything And Run...I should have seen this as a sign that he thinks this way but at the time I thought it was cute and funny. From reading all these posts it looks like everyone with BPD things this way, it is their motto.

[ravill]

Imagine? Having kids? A family, with THIS person?

I am sorry for the pain. I hope you two can stay away from each other.

[TonyC]

they are driven by fear of abandonment...
so if you question..
get mad..
react slower to something than ususal..
talk to a nieghbor..
come home from work later than ususall

you can trigger the fear.. they feel the fear find a reason. to paint you black..
and bail..

my opinion.. its not textbook

[jose64]

Hi HB71, you know what my wife said to me during the GOOD part of the last cycle. She said " What if the only reason you are here again is so that when I let my guard down, you will leave me just to get back at me" She has walked in and out of my life 4 times in 3 years. Each time I accepted her back without question, without resentment, without anger. I never once brought it up nor threw it in her face. I simply openned up my heart and openned my arms and took her back. They leave because of FEAR. They fear we will "discover" how they are and we will leave them. They live in fear and they have to leave us because they fear we will leave them. If they only knew.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[trife]

Hi HB71, you know what my wife said to me during the GOOD part of the last cycle. She said " What if the only reason you are here again is so that when I let my guard down, you will leave me just to get back at me" She has walked in and out of my life 4 times in 3 years. Each time I accepted her back without question, without resentment, without anger. I never once brought it up nor threw it in her face. I simply openned up my heart and openned my arms and took her back. They leave because of FEAR. They fear we will "discover" how they are and we will leave them. They live in fear and they have to leave us because they fear we will leave them. If they only knew.

Wow.  When my wife and I reconciled after she walked out on me and had an affair, she said this EXACT same thing.  And I like you Jose, welcomed her back with open arms.  Was I angry?  Sure.  Did I unleash that anger on her?  Nope.  I never threw it in her face, either.  And much like your situation Jose, she left again.  This time I think it IS because I've discovered how she is.  Last year I thought it was me, or just a fluke as in people make dumb mistakes.  This year the pattern is clearly evident.  And looking back on the straw that broke the camel's back (her packing a bag, walking right by me without saying a word and then leaving for 4 days), the weeks leading up to that moment were filled with me calling her on her BS via snooping with a key logger, cell phone logger, etc.  She had no more places to hide and was feeling the fear of me finding out the TRUTH. 

Matter of fact, she gestured suicide immediately (as in 5 minutes) after it came to light that she was back in contact with the other man from last year.  The cat was out of the bag, so she looked for the nearest exit.  Crazy how the fear can run them.  Crazy and quite sad. 

[2idealistic]

Don't think I fully appreciated this EXTREMELY pertinent motivating factor in my ex at the time and prior to my understanding that she was a BP, as that "aha" didn't occur to me until my T pointed out the possibility.  Even after I discovered the first affair, tried to get over the hurt, accepted her rationalization (at least intellectually) for why the "fling" happened, she was still saying, plaintively, "I don't want to lose you," and I didn't have the tools to understand that this was both a   and a signpost into who she really was and what she was suffering from.  This didn't prevent her from seeking out other infatuations and maintaining them online, text, phone, etc., but it clearly was that fear (abandonment and anger--"where were my parents when I was abused as a young woman by another family member").  The cognitive dissonance that they can maintain, however, still boggles my mind:  "I can't trust anyone."  But then, they betray their nonBPD lover in the most devastating ways.