nc since April and thoughts of her have flooded my mind nonstop. I feel crazy

[Think About It...]

I went no contact back in april from my dBPD ex and have been doing really good. I blocked her on my cell phone so she could'nt call or text nor could I. I have been really trying to move on with my life and be happy. I say affirmations to encourage myself and to keep going. I realize that she will never be good for me, and I dont want to be in contact with her. I just get mad because she bombards my mind so tough that it is hard to think about anything else but her and the sex and if she is doing the new stable of men like she did me. I have been thinking about her ex boyfriend she has kept around since day one and wondering what is it about this guy that she has kept him around all this time. We were together off and on for 8 yrs and he has been their the whole time, even to the point that she will look him up to talk to him. So my thoughts are everywhere with this. But I still wonder what is it about this guy that she cant seem to live without him? What is going on with me that I could be doing so well then it seems like she sunk my battle ship. I dont understand what it is. I did love her, but I realize that I deserve a good women. Why cant I snap out of this mental funk and move forward? I still think about her sleeping with my best friend and both of them lying about it. Have I been lying to my self these past months? Hell if I know! Any perspective to help me through this crazy place I am in right.  ?

[hope4gr8erdayz]

I went no contact back in april from my dBPD ex and have been doing really good. I blocked her on my cell phone so she could'nt call or text nor could I. I have been really trying to move on with my life and be happy. I say affirmations to encourage myself and to keep going. I realize that she will never be good for me, and I dont want to be in contact with her. I just get mad because she bombards my mind so tough that it is hard to think about anything else but her and the sex and if she is doing the new stable of men like she did me. I have been thinking about her ex boyfriend she has kept around since day one and wondering what is it about this guy that she has kept him around all this time. We were together off and on for 8 yrs and he has been their the whole time, even to the point that she will look him up to talk to him. So my thoughts are everywhere with this. But I still wonder what is it about this guy that she cant seem to live without him? What is going on with me that I could be doing so well then it seems like she sunk my battle ship. I dont understand what it is. I did love her, but I realize that I deserve a good women. Why cant I snap out of this mental funk and move forward? I still think about her sleeping with my best friend and both of them lying about it. Have I been lying to my self these past months? Hell if I know! Any perspective to help me through this crazy place I am in right.  ?

[angry hurt]

He is not as strong as you with the no contact. She is playing him to boost her ego. I've been thru the same as you as most on here have. Be strong. U are heading the right way. No contact. Remind yourself of the bad and the hurt. The good stuff was an illusion . You are having natural thoughts. Her ex probably dose not know she's I'll. Keep it up. It will fade. 

[DrPhil]

Hey Hope4gr8erdayz,

two things to think about that might help a bit.

If you forget her words, promises and looks etc, and just focus on her actions. Nothing but her actions.
Ask yourself this:
"What did she do (to me). What actions stood out ?"
"How did her actions made me feel?" (Good, bad, disrespected, hurt etc)
"Do I want that in my life?" (Yes, no)

You can do that with your whole relationship, basically.
Try it - it usually helps your brain focus on the important things.

Another thing:
Remember that a GF or being in a relationship with anyone, is about taking the whole package.
You cannot pick just the good things, and leave the bad behind. You get her warts and all.
If you want to be with her, you have to realize that you probably cannot change anything about her - she can, if she wants to and works on it. You can´t.

So, with that in mind: Do you want the FULL package that is your exGF?
Do you want the things that come with the sex and other things you seemed to enjoy?

I am in the same situation as you: Been over 3 months since the breakup and been completely NC for 5 weeks.
Still I dream of her and pine over her.
As much as I work on myself (and that DOES help slowly but surely) I have also found that getting out there and meeting new women helps!
A lot!
I still think my ex is the most beautiful women I have seen, and I still miss her even tho she doesn´t deserve 1 second of my thoughts.
But even tho the women I meet aren´t "as good as her", I find that those other women I meet put my ex in perspective.
Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way - but bottom line is, that I have come to realize that my ex is NOT that superwoman I have made her in my mind.
Plus - getting affirmation as a man is ALWAYS good no matter how you look at it.
It doesn´t mean you have to sleep with everyone you meet, but just meeting a few women who find you interesting, share a few laughs or whatever can really make your day AND keep your mind off your ex.
And the more inputs and impressions you get from other women, the less headspace your ex will take up in your head.

I have chosen to fake it till I make it - so I make sure I am funny, extroverted, smiling, attentive etc when I am out.
And I tell you what: It really works! Just try it for 1 hour the next time you are out. Be the BEST you can be - and I promise you that you will get a great response in return.

Stop pining and start getting out there!
 x

[ReallyNow?]

The top posters have it right as far as "perspective". Think of the REAL things that occured- i.e., the hurtful, spiteful things she did to you. That helps!
As for this other man (or stable of man bit*ches) she keeps in constant orbit around her?

These kinds of men have ZERO self-esteem and ARE abused just like 'we' were in the relationship. Trust your GUT feeling- you know this clown has been coming back because she has a 'sucker' to toy with until she meets another more worthy man-bit*ch. Once she finds another- this current guy gets 'shelved' for another "break glass in case of emergency" situation. I bet if you ever called her when she becomes vulnerable (from being hurt by another man)- she'd use you again too! I know, because I played this BPD dance with my ex! Even though she claimed to really hate me (she actually felt she'd end up dead in an alley- from me), If I called her a month of more later (if timing was right) and she just got dumped- I'd be back at her house breaking the bed all night and be told how she really missed me. As soon as the passion passed and her self-esteem was lifted from all my attention to her- she'd treat me horrible AGAIN. After a few cycles- I finally went NC! (Been NC 6 weeks now). Believe me, these other men ARE being used/abused just like you were. So dont think he's something special- if anything, HE'S A SPECIAL "SUCKER" FOR HER OWN AMUSEMENT! Be happy you got out. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[hope4gr8erdayz]

Man I really appreciate all of your feedback. It really has helped me, because I really have been struggling with that. What is it about this dude you cant live without? I would ask her that and she said finally after 7 yrs that they were stuck in Lafayette In together. She said it was like they were in prison together and all they had was each other. The crazy thing is and you fellas commented on it was that for the whole 10 yrs she was with him she cheated and prostituted herself. But she keeps him around no matter who she is with. Will let every body else go and keep him. Its crazy! When im not thinking about her my energy and confidence is a whole lot higher. Its like she is a energy vampire even at a distance. It is a mad thing!

[DrPhil]

Man I really appreciate all of your feedback. It really has helped me, because I really have been struggling with that. What is it about this dude you cant live without? I would ask her that and she said finally after 7 yrs that they were stuck in Lafayette In together. She said it was like they were in prison together and all they had was each other. The crazy thing is and you fellas commented on it was that for the whole 10 yrs she was with him she cheated and prostituted herself. But she keeps him around no matter who she is with. Will let every body else go and keep him. Its crazy! When im not thinking about her my energy and confidence is a whole lot higher. Its like she is a energy vampire even at a distance. It is a mad thing!

This "dude" is NOT important at all.
I know to you it may seem the opposite, but he is really just a symptom of what´s wrong.
Both in terms of HER actions, but also in terms of YOUR RE-actions.

Ask yourself this:
In your next relationship, would you be OK or accept another man in the wings?
If the answer is "No way I will let that happen again", then you have already begun to rebuild a very important part of your self-esteem and self-respect, AND all the crap you have been put thru with your ex has certainly paid off - despite all the paint you´ve been thru. If nothing else, it has taught you what you want and don´t want in your life.

If the answer is "I think I would be ok with that in my next relationship", then I believe you need to take a hard look at that, and start being honest with yourself about what you want in your life and don´t want in your life.

Makes sense?

[David Dare]

I feel you on this one, Hope.  My ex's ex would text her everyday for the first month we were together.  I didn't like it, but I accepted it because I was working out some things with my ex (I am my ex's son's surrogate dad.  I've taken care of him for ten years since he was 6) which required me to remain in contact with her.  He texting my ex bothered me, but I thought it would be hypocritical to ask her to stop talking to him when I was still talking with MY ex.

Eventually, he got a clue and left her alone, or so I thought.  When our relationship went south she went back to him.  It wasn't until after that when I realized she'd kept him waiting in the wings.  I learned through sources that she reconciled with him while we were together and was waiting for the right time to dump me and go running back to him, on the same day, even.

She gave me a huge BS story as to why she did it.  It was just an excuse.  The real reason I surmised is that he is an alcoholic (so is she), I rarely drink, and she couldn't stand being on the wagon while she was with me.  She had to go out, get wasted, and let her hystrionic tendencies fill her ego.  We couldn't afford to go out very often, let alone to bars and get wasted, but she didn't care.  She HAD to do it.  It's ingrained in her nature.  This man doesn't have his sh!t together, and eventually she left him for the next man to support her drunk lifestyle, one that she can't support, financially, on her own.

When it happened, I had the same thoughts.  Why go back to someone whom she'd already been with who had a history of being irresponsible?  At the time I was seriously jealous and hurt and doubting my value as her partner.

The truth is that she didn't want me for who I am, she wanted me for the potential wild time we could have had.  The few times we went to bars, when I wanted to leave, she would chide me for not wanting to stay and hang with her "friends" (even though she would constantly tell me she had no friends where we live).  Translated, she chided me for not sticking around long enough for her to get wasted and start acting out her wild public hystrionic side.  She chided me for not allowing her to get piss drunk and continue her self-medicating cycle of drowning her sorrows.

It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about him.  It was about her reenacting what it is she loves to do: get wasted and receive the attention of a bunch of barflies who themselves either wallow in their own self-pity, or look to score a cheap lay while being all "lathered up".

[David Dare]

Also wanted to add: this is classic triangulation (read definition).  Use one person against the other in a relationship triangle.  I can't speak for my ex, but I would go as far as to say that she used me to get back at her ex, and then used her ex to get back at me.  When she went back to him, she used him as a wall between us.  It was much easier for her to use him as a watchdog than to be single and subject herself to my questioning or attempts to win her back.  If I was to deal with her, I had to deal with both of them, possibly confront him, and, who knows, maybe even fight him.  I'm not that kind of person, I would never do that.  But, if that had happened, she would have reveled in it, I am sure.

[hope4gr8erdayz]

Dr Phil your right! I dont want that in my life and I know I deserve better than that. It just boggles my mind how she keeps this guy around. He is a engineer and an attorney. So I figured maybe that is it. But then there is another guy she kept around not like her ex but she went and looked for him. He was or still is married. It is crazy! I think that I am still grieving the whole situation. I still think about the fact that she went as low as sleeping with my( at that time) best friend, then I suspect that she slept with another one of my close friends. This is some stuff that almost seems surreal. Like damn did this ____ really happen to me. I fell in love with a woman who not only did'nt love me back but did'nt respect me enough to not cheat on me and sleep with my friends. Its sad! But I did'nt love myself enough to stop it before it became 8 yrs. I wanted to change her and make her better. Not allowing her to just be herself. She wants that destructive life and I wanted her to have a different one. I no longer feel like that and I let people be who they are. I now realize that I dont have to let certain people into my space and it is ok. Hell it took me 35yrs to learn that, but at least I know it now.