Feeling so let down (again)

[Think About It...]

Hi All

Well I have decided to move over from the 'Improving' board because I have reached the point of feeling so drained that I have no fight left in me.

After another monumental melt-down, number 5 in the last two years, my bf sent me the usual 3 page letters that usually follows these episodes, telling me all the reasons we cannot be together.  The usual 'woe is me' stuff.

I would normally send a supportive text trying to pull him out of the bad place and remind him about all the reasons why we are so good together.  However, this time I just don't have the energy.

After the last time this happened and I received my 3 page letter, I asked him never to send me one again as it hurt me so much.  I am so angry and hurt that he has chosen to do this again.

He went into great detail how this is it and how he doesn't want me to contact him or 'extend the olive branch', which is the same as he has written before.

The normal pattern is that he will come out of his little episode in a few days and send me a text or call, trying to find his way back in.

NC for 3 days now.  My anger is keeping me from contacting him, but I worry that I will weaken.

Can they ever change or learn from their mistakes?

[lizzy757]

Hi All

Well I have decided to move over from the 'Improving' board because I have reached the point of feeling so drained that I have no fight left in me.

After another monumental melt-down, number 5 in the last two years, my bf sent me the usual 3 page letters that usually follows these episodes, telling me all the reasons we cannot be together.  The usual 'woe is me' stuff.

I would normally send a supportive text trying to pull him out of the bad place and remind him about all the reasons why we are so good together.  However, this time I just don't have the energy.

After the last time this happened and I received my 3 page letter, I asked him never to send me one again as it hurt me so much.  I am so angry and hurt that he has chosen to do this again.

He went into great detail how this is it and how he doesn't want me to contact him or 'extend the olive branch', which is the same as he has written before.

The normal pattern is that he will come out of his little episode in a few days and send me a text or call, trying to find his way back in.

NC for 3 days now.  My anger is keeping me from contacting him, but I worry that I will weaken.

Can they ever change or learn from their mistakes?

[havana]

Believe it or not 5 times in 2 years is pretty infrequent. Over time it might be 5 times in 2 months.

I'm sorry that you are in a bad place right now. Whenever I got one of those letters I never read past the first paragraph.

I wouldn't contact him at all. What do you want to do if he contacts you?

[Tired10]

If you really have had enough, then you know what you need to do, ie stay strong and do not engage in any way. Sort possessions, financial commitments out in a business like way. My thoughts are with you, I know exactly how this cycle feels and how much it hurts

Will the cycle ever change?, most probably not. I think you have probably come to the realisation that things will not change.

[lizzy757]

Thanks for the advice.  I'm pretty sure that I don't want to go back this time, I can't keep going round in circles and getting nowhere, it has drained me so much.  The trouble is that all the bad stuff is creeping out of my head and I am just thinking about the good times, which is a very blinkered way to approach this.

I know that he will be back and I hope that I am strong enough to hold my nerve this time.  At the moment I feel like a doormat that he just keeps stepping on and that is not a healthy relationship.

I know all this, but I do still love him, I guess it is going to take time for me work through all this.  I hope that I will come out the other side a stronger and happier person.

 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Tired10]

IMO you have found one of the best places to help you through this. Keep posting and read as much of this site as you have time to. It will help you process your thoughts and understand that you cannot change him, it's not your fault, you are a good person and deserve much better. An important lesson along the way for me was to discount the words said and look purely at their actions. Their words only serve to confuse and keep you in the fog.

Dwelling on the good times is perfectly natural and is at the start of the process. I am four months into my split, and 3 weeks of no contact. I can tell you that each day gets that little bit easier. Hang in there, be strong.

[havana]

I am just thinking about the good times

I tell people to look around your house or apartment or the places you would go. There isn't one corner of my house that doesn't have a bad memory.

[OnceConfused]

I just ran across an old excerpt that I read a long time ago. It made me think DEEPLY about the true meaning of my life. Once I read it, let it slowly fill my mind, then i understood the meaning of enlightenment and how to get there. Here it is and hope you will find the path.

If I Could Live My Life Again

If I could live my life again, I'd laugh at my misfortunes more and other people's predicaments less. Spend more time counting my blessings, less time scrutinizing my blemishes.
I'd spend more time playing with my children and grandchildren, less time watching professional athletes perform. More time enjoying what I have, less time thinking about the things I don't have.
If I could live my life again, I'd walk in the rain more without an umbrella and listen less to weather reports. I'd spend much more time outdoors in small towns and much less time in tall buildings and big cities. I'd eat more of everything healthy and delicious, less of everything each meal, saving enough on the bill to feed a starving child.
If I could live my life again, I'd get more beach sand between my toes and less friction between myself and others. I'd take more long baths and fewer showers (I can't explain why I've always been in such a hurry to spend my time). I'd spend more time with old people and animals, less time with strangers at clubs and parties.
I'd act the age of my children and grandchildren more and act my own age less. I'd visit libraries, bookstores, and computer networks more and malls and movie theatres less. I'd play the piano more and play fewer mindless games like solitaire. I'd give my spouse and children more tender touches and much less advice.
If I could live my life again, I'd spend more time fully involved in the present moment, less time remembering and anticipating. I'd be more aware of my core values and life’s mission, and less concerned with the reasons why I might not measure up.
I'd smile more, frown less. I'd express my feelings more, try less to impress my friends and neighbours. I'd forgive and ask forgiveness more, and curse my adversaries less - but most of all I'd be more spontaneous and active, less hesitant and subdued.
When a great idea or spur-of-the-moment adventure popped up - an Easter egg hunt, an open house at school, a game of hide-and-seek, an oppurtunity to solve a problem at work or to satisfy a disgruntled customer, a hay ride, a chance to build a snowman or paint over graffiti, an invitation to watch a lunar eclipse or a shuttle launch. I'd be less likely to stay in my chair objecting, "It's not in our plan" and more inclined to jump up and say, "Yes, let's".
Source: Brother Jeremiah's free-verse style from "I'd Pick more Daisies."

[Want2know]

I am just thinking about the good times

I tell people to look around your house or apartment or the places you would go. There isn't one corner of my house that doesn't have a bad memory.

Good advice.  There are enough holes in the wall where my ex kicked or punched them in, and a lot of bad blow out fights/conversations that I can picture happening, as well as the daily verbal abuse like when I would not wash the dishes the right way (picture me standing by my sink rolling my eyes).

It's been 2+ months since my ex moved out of my house.  I asked him to leave.  Had he left on his own, I would be lamenting much more, I'm sure.  It sounds like you're going to need more than strength to not take him back.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need to start making a list of things you would do with the assumption he doesn't come back - ie. rearrange your house, go out with friends more, etc.  If you see that, then you may realize even more how much he is sucking the life right out of you.  Believe me, we all know that feeling of exhaustion followed by what we all think is true love for the person, and longing for them even with all the crap they've put us through.  Even though I have work to do on myself, you can't imagine the new found energy and freedom that I'm feeling, and that I so missed.  You can have that, too.

We're here for you when you need us.   x

[duncanville1]

I wish mine would drag out two years, I am lucky to pull it out 5 months.