April 25, 2014, 02:10:17 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Today's Feature: WORKSHOP: Do you know the art of WiseMind?  Learn more
Moderators: DreamGirl, P.F.Change, Rapt Reader
Advisors: an0ught, heartandwhole, livednlearned, pessim-optimist, Surnia, Waverider, winston72
Ambassadors: crumblingdad, DreamFlyer99, growing_wings, Kwamina, learning_curve74, maxsterling, maxen, Mutt, peaceplease, scallops, Turkish
Guidelines: Terms of Service, Abbreviations
  Home Blog   Boards   Help Login Register  
What is this?
Think About It...The basic premise of cognitive therapy is that the way we think about events in our lives (cognition) determines how we feel about them (emotions). ~ Jeffrey E. Young PH.D, Reinventing Your Life
169
Pages: [1] 2 3 4   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: childish behaviors  (Read 4667 times)
makinmecrazy
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 55



« on: August 09, 2010, 09:37:07 AM »

Hi, I've read the book WOE, all through this website, and a lot of the messges posted here and am learning (about/why) my uBPDh's behavior is, but I need some suggestions on how to deal with his extremely childish pouting and sulking, his ongoing spiteful attitude when he perceives he's been "wronged", and his holding endless (obvious-embarrassing!) grudges towards people.
He's 65 years old but most of the time acts more like a spoiled 8 year old.  Once he feels/perceives he's been insulted, slighted, ignored etc. he turns from being 'Mr. Nice Guy' into a spiteful vengeful brat towards them.  It's embarrassing especially since now he's starting to do it to neighbors and my family (currently my brother because he didn't jump fast enough when my uBPDh asked him to do us a favor).
The other thing I have a hard time dealing with is his constant negative comments and opinions about every and anything. I am a happy,optimistic and outgoing person so it drives me crazy that I can't ever talk with him or just make a statement without some sort of rebuttal from him. It's like he always has to try to 'rain on my parade' or prove me wrong. If I say black he says white. Sometimes I just can't hide my annoyance which of course leads to him having a meltdown because in his favorite words"I can't ever say anything, you want me to never say anything about anything".  No! I just want to be able to have normal adult back and forth pleasant conversations with him like I can with all the other adults in my life! I feel like I'm in a realtionship with a child .  I always have to 'walk on eggshells' and make sure his feelings are validated and taken care of and listen to him whine and complain, but I'm not allowed to have a bad day or moment, or get mad, sad or upset. I also am not supposed to ever have my own opinion.  Most days I feel like an emotional hostage in my own home.
Is there any hope?
Logged
Ghislaine
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 80


« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2010, 09:56:42 AM »

When you mention his age I feel that big changes in outlook and attitude are difficult (not impossible) as we get older.  Many say BPD behaviors get worse with age.  I would keep working on your boundaries, and communications skills as laid out here in the workshops.  A person with a personality of easily feeling slighted, and generally being negative, isn't likely to get better without hard work with a therapist.  My BPDexh had some similar traits.  He is 60.  I felt that a lot of his behaviors were getting slowly worse over time.  The grudge problem is especially difficult and no amount of reasoning with them can change their minds.  Good luck to you.
Logged
havana
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 5311



« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2010, 10:12:35 AM »

Hi makinmecrazy


Quote
Is there any hope?

At 65 years old I don't think you are going to get him to change. He is happy being miserable & he wants to drag everyone else in the gutter with him.


 Welcome!
Logged

Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
makinmecrazy
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 55



« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2010, 10:41:09 AM »

Therapy is out of the question.  He does seem to be getting worse with age, and he is miserable- absolutely, and you're also right about the gutter. As far as grudges- he's the king and no amout of reasoning will ever get him to change his mind.  ?
Logged
WalrusGumboot
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2797


Two years out and getting better all the time!


« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2010, 10:44:54 AM »

I just want to be able to have normal adult back and forth pleasant conversations with him like I can with all the other adults in my life! I feel like I'm in a realtionship with a child . 

I'm sorry you go through this but it is very common when dealing with a BP. In my 22 years of marriage, I have never felt my uBPDw and I were on the same side of just about everything, especially when it comes to finances. While my thinking is what is best in the interest of the family, hers is what is in the best interest of her. It is like dealing with a child because young children are egocentric.

The no-win situation I find myself in is that dealing with it day in and day out shuts down our communication, then she gets angry that "we never talk anymore". The only safe conversation is about her life, and agreeing with her even if she is wrong, but I lose myself in the process.
Logged

"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
Pixie-Dust
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 585



« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2010, 10:52:18 AM »

Wow, that sounds like my H bigtime! ? I've noticed mine getting worse over time too. Not fun. I think they need heavy duty help, professionally. Mine won't go get help, because he says I am the problem not him.. rolleyes. All I can say is it really sucks dealing with a grown man that acts like a school-yard bully and/or sulking pouting child. Try to depersonalize, detach, leave the room or house when he does these things. The childish behaviors are extremely annoying...I dealt with this crap this weekend w/ my H.  barfy  Blaming, sulking, mocking, putting me down etc. As soon as he would start, I'd leave to another room. In my experience, they aren't capable or interested in any grown up normal conversation. Everything is superficial with mine. He doesn't even seem to have his own opinions or a real personality for that matter.  I stopped confiding to my H, stopped saying my fears/worries, rarely say my opinions and if I do...I do not give a rats a** what he thinks of it, I try not to depend on him anymore, etc. This has helped me deal in my situation.
I've basically given up hope on having a normal healthy happy relationship with him. That has given me more peace and freedom. I did go through a grieving period about this though, then anger, then acceptance. Sorry your having to deal with this crap in your life.  Empathy   -Pixie

*
Quote
As far as grudges- he's the king and no amout of reasoning will ever get him to change his mind. 
This is so familiar to me it's sick! Mine is miserable too and holds grudges over small things, accidents, and totally made up things. You cannot reason with them. They aren't interested in making things right for peace sake, at least mines not.

*
Quote
The only safe conversation is about her life, and agreeing with her even if she is wrong, but I lose myself in the process.
That's so true. It's really sad.
Logged
kyberjay
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 114


« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2010, 12:34:02 PM »

6 months into the divorce- you'd think that at some point here we'd have some type of meaningful discussion about how to move forward- all I ever get from her are childish noises and faces in response... Can't wait until she has to answer some of these questions in court...and wonder if she will act the same way, completely lose it/go into brain lock, or try to give an appropriate response which will more than likely come out entirely disorganized and unrelated!  AGGREVATING!  PD traits
Logged
Auspicious
Distinguished Member
Emeritus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 8437



« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2010, 01:09:54 PM »

Therapy is out of the question. 

Meaning, you have asked him to undertake therapy and he has refused?


Is he diagnosed with BPD or another mental illness?
Logged

Have you read the Lessons?

niknak


Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 45


« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2010, 02:58:08 PM »

I can relate, totally...my uBPDh can have a conversatin ( if he is in the right mood), but the same conversation can turn childish very quickley.  I think that he loses interest in the conversation quickly and gets bored if the topic does not interest him. ?
Logged
kyberjay
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 114


« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2010, 03:30:42 PM »

oh yeah? Well  ;p  !
Logged
Pixie-Dust
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 585



« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2010, 03:36:05 PM »

My H acts like I have cooties when he's mad at me...literally! If I walk near him, he will very dramatically jump out of the way. If I hand him something, he will make sure not to touch me in the process. rolleyes So childish. When he's raging mad, he acts like a vicious bully on a playground.

  *Before knowing about BPD, my main wish for him was that he would mature and grow up and act like his age, 42. So much for that happening. ?
Logged
Shadowplay
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 266


« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2010, 03:47:55 PM »

My dad is 66. He makes my Mom's life hell, my SO says she is getting deaf as a survival instinct. I'm not sure if he's wrong in that assumption...
My dad has this defined notion that the whole world plots against him, he's the most unhappy guy on earth cause everyone does things behind his back and we all conspire against him. Everything we do (Mom, me, Sis, neighbors, the neighbors' dog, the guy that is crossing the street) hurts him cause we are unconsiderate, negligible, vile human beings. His pain is beyond belief. He is griefing for DECADES about his parents having neglected him and his sister betrayed him. And no one understands him, we are horrible, horrible people.
No sugestions about how to deal with something like this, I chose not to. We are not speaking to each other. One thing I know helps my Mom is to grab her now and then and get her sometime off. I've shared as much as I can about boundaries with her, but living in the same house... the only thing that really works is ignore him and give her a good time. Away from him...
Logged
MrWitsend
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 263



« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2010, 08:41:29 AM »

As Pixie said:
Quote
My H acts like I have cooties when he's mad at me...literally! If I walk near him, he will very dramatically jump out of the way. If I hand him something, he will make sure not to touch me in the process.  So childish. When he's raging mad, he acts like a vicious bully on a playground.

My w exactly!  lol
It is like dealing with a pouty gigantic 4-yr old.  complete with "I know you are, but what am I?" types of statements.  Devilish  And every olive-branch extended in kindness is slapped away like poison.

It seems funny now, but it is EXCRUCIATINGLY frustrating at the time.

Mr WitsEnd
Logged

Life is not a dress-rehersal.
kyberjay
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 114


« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2010, 09:46:18 AM »

At least a lot of you are getting words... mine usually just makes noises and faces!  And she wants to co- parent?  can project the conversation- me: So how do you think we get them at to two different places at the same time?  her: Hownnnnna two diffffrnt placess blah blah blah! me: Ok- thats a good start dear.  now can you give an actual answer to the question?
Logged
Pixie-Dust
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 585



« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2010, 10:15:27 AM »

Quote
My w exactly!  
It is like dealing with a pouty gigantic 4-yr old.  complete with "I know you are, but what am I?" types of statements.    And every olive-branch extended in kindness is slapped away like poison.

It seems funny now, but it is EXCRUCIATINGLY frustrating at the time.

Mr WitsEnd
- I couldn't have put it any better.  Doing the right thing    x

Quote
At least a lot of you are getting words... mine usually just makes noises and faces!
-Oh, I get both! When he was acting like a child this weekend, I guess I rolled my eyes at him. The rest of the evening when I would talk to him, he would very dramatically roll his eyes at me. I used humor and said surprised..."oh my God...what's wrong with your eye's?" very concerned. And then I got up and left. He didn't do it anymore. I get plenty of noises and faces barfy  combined with his lovely words.

Logged
desperateone
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 126



« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2010, 01:50:44 PM »

Once I realized how normal childish behaviors are for BPD, it was like someone turned on a  Thought!

My uBPDh has always held fast to the belief that he had a horrible childhood and his two younger siblings were the Golden Children and he was the black sheep of the family.  He claims to this day that he was pushed into the deep end of a hotel pool by a family member while on vacation.  He once proclaimed he never had any birthday cakes and his mother got so upset that she dragged out all the family photo albums and actually proved that he have one every year and sometimes two!  This has been his belief about his family since I met him and I believed him because you could see that he wasn't always on good terms with everyone (now I know it was the BPD).  Not to say that maybe his childhood holds some of the blame (feelling neglected, etc).

He is ALWAYS negative and for the longest time I thought maybe I was too happy  ? because he told me that I was too easy to please and my head was always in the clouds.  He can get mad about anything and everything (sun too bright, traffic light to long, fingerprint on the wall, etc).  He also has issues with everyone...neighbors, family, waitresses, parents of his youth football players, people parking on our street.

When he is raging he pulls out all the childhood tricks - ignoring me, pretending I am not there, mocking me, refusing to eat, lying on the couch with his eyes closed (possibly holding his breath...never really checked), hanging up on me on the phone, saying nasty things, making declarations and new rules when the kids are in trouble that never happen (ie., all food must be eaten in the dining room from now on).  He use to throw things, but when I started walking over them refusing to pick them up, he stopped.

Well...I guess when my last child goes off to college it will still feel like I have a child in the nest!
Logged
makinmecrazy
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 55



« Reply #16 on: August 11, 2010, 08:41:17 AM »


Thanks everyone, I posted yesterday but it doesn't seem to be here anywhere...Hearing all of your replies and similar situations help me considerably.  It's amazing how they are all so much alike.  They're like little spoiled defiant kids who never want to grow up.  The world is always supposed to revolve around them and cater to them or else "I hate you!" and "I'll make your life as miserable as I can to show you!"  Before I read WOE I thought I was going to go crazy. He baffled me continuously with his childish tantrums, silent treatments, and like Shadowplay says- he thinks "the whole world plots against him", he gets mad at anything that doesn't go as he assumed it should or would- because in his mind they are doing it deliberately to him.   They totally view themselves as victims who were neglected and abused by the world, never got anything they deserved and still don't.  The constant control issues really get to me too.  Good luck to all of us! You all try to have a good day.
Logged
Pixie-Dust
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 585



« Reply #17 on: August 11, 2010, 09:43:39 AM »

Desperateone,
    You have no idea how much I related to your post! I swear...did they go to BPD school together and learn this stuff? The childishness never ceases to amaze me. Last night he came home. The kids were watching tv and he ordered them to turn it to ch.5. My son said "No, we're watching this...we've waited all day to see it". (son responded this way to dad's non-manners) usually he would have moved to another tv if asked nicely. H said fine, angrily, went to our bedroom slammed door. Didn't eat dinner. Then he must have come down to get miscellaneous food(chips, pretzels, bread, cheese, etc..) about 8-10X during the evening. Each time trying to bait me with some verbal garbage. I had to leave the room several x's. Walk away, right? Don't engage...so I didn't (well, I did slip a few x's ;p ) I pretended I needed to go to the bathroom until he went upstairs. I hid in the bathroom 3x's and then he starts yelling at me through the door. I said, "hello, I'm using the bathroom here". Normal people aren't supposed to yell at people on the toilet, right? Oh I forgot...he's not normal rolleyes. Then he said we all hid a movie he wanted to watch. Paranoid! (I think he has stress-induced paranoia-something to do w/BPD). He ordered me to find his movie when I get out. I said "no thanks". He said "I'm not putting money in the bank then if you don't find it!" He threatened not to go on vacation...again. My son had been organizing DVD's for hours and my H knocked alot of them over searching for his movie. My son said sad, look what dad did to the DVD's ?.
*He was searching for "The Creep Show". Interesting. I asked him a few days ago if he noticed that he has two personalities, loving and mean. I really was curious if he realized what he does. I then told him it creeps me out! Now for days he keeps saying "oh remember I'm creepy". So now he wants to see the "Creep Show"...WTH? I'm married to a nut ?.
     *Sad thing is, I couldn't tell H about our D burning her hand while she cooked cornbread. Also, my son cut up his first whole chicken yesterday. (he wants to go to culinary school-yay!) I was so proud of him and couldn't share this with my uninterested H and his self-absorbed dad. barfy  

Quote
Well...I guess when my last child goes off to college it will still feel like I have a child in the nest!
LMAO!  What a positive attitude! Doing the right thing   

Makenmecrazy-
Quote
They're like little spoiled defiant kids who never want to grow up.  The world is always supposed to revolve around them and cater to them or else "I hate you!" and "I'll make your life as miserable as I can to show you!"  Before I read WOE I thought I was going to go crazy. He baffled me continuously with his childish tantrums, silent treatments, and like Shadowplay says- he thinks "the whole world plots against him", he gets mad at anything that doesn't go as he assumed it should or would- because in his mind they are doing it deliberately to him.
- You hit the nail on the head!
Logged
desperateone
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 126



« Reply #18 on: August 11, 2010, 09:53:19 AM »

Pixie - Yep!  Our husbands have definitely proven to fit into the exact BPD characteristics alright!

Sorry about the stressful evening, I know how that can shut down the whole evening.  Good job working on your new skills - even if he made it next to impossible! Doing the right thing   My husband also likes to break out of his 'silent treatment' by ordering me to do something.  I think he does it when I don't respond/react to his childish behaviors - - sounds like the same for you last night.

We have had the same tv issues - - my husband expects absolute respect from his family, but rarely dishes it out.  He will walk into a room where all three of us are watching tv and declare how stupid our show is and then change the channel.

I know how the kids get hurt when their accomplishments, hard work, or personal crisises mean nothing to their dad.  I always overcompensate for that hole they have in their parental roll of the dice.

I think each time we follow through with the boundaries it will get easier.  I Hope! shocked
Logged
Pixie-Dust
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 585



« Reply #19 on: August 11, 2010, 10:18:03 AM »

Quote
my husband expects absolute respect from his family, but rarely dishes it out.
You have no idea, or maybe you do grin, how many x's I hear the respect thing barfy . I wonder if any of it is projection. Thought? He's the worst at boundaries and respecting others. I noticed his mom encouraged us to respect him no matter what. Throw up barfy ! That's how it is in his culture(European). ...the women are basically servants to their husbands from what I've seen. barfy Feed them, clean the house, and have sex when they want it. My H even pulled this: "the Bible says wives are suppose to submit to their husbands!" I told him the Bible also says "submit one to another and husbands are to love their wives" even to the point of dying for her. He shut up and has never mentioned that again grin. Wow, using religion to dominate another person. Sick.

*
Quote
I always overcompensate for that hole they have in their parental roll of the dice.
-Me too.
 I'm the only parent that gives them hugs, encouragement, guidance, etc. I was thinking last night that I'm the only one telling the kids I love them...they don't hear it from dad. It's the mama bear instinct to overcompensate. I feel horrible that they don't have that loving, strong, dad influence though.
Logged
Pages: [1] 2 3 4   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.10 | SMF © 2006-2010, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!