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Think About It... An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.
Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D.
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Author Topic: childish behaviors  (Read 6390 times)
makinmecrazy
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« on: August 09, 2010, 09:37:07 AM »

Hi, I've read the book WOE, all through this website, and a lot of the messges posted here and am learning (about/why) my uBPDh's behavior is, but I need some suggestions on how to deal with his extremely childish pouting and sulking, his ongoing spiteful attitude when he perceives he's been "wronged", and his holding endless (obvious-embarrassing!) grudges towards people.

He's 65 years old but most of the time acts more like a spoiled 8 year old.  Once he feels/perceives he's been insulted, slighted, ignored etc. he turns from being 'Mr. Nice Guy' into a spiteful vengeful brat towards them.  It's embarrassing especially since now he's starting to do it to neighbors and my family (currently my brother because he didn't jump fast enough when my uBPDh asked him to do us a favor).

The other thing I have a hard time dealing with is his constant negative comments and opinions about every and anything. I am a happy,optimistic and outgoing person so it drives me crazy that I can't ever talk with him or just make a statement without some sort of rebuttal from him. It's like he always has to try to 'rain on my parade' or prove me wrong. If I say black he says white. Sometimes I just can't hide my annoyance which of course leads to him having a meltdown because in his favorite words"I can't ever say anything, you want me to never say anything about anything".  No! I just want to be able to have normal adult back and forth pleasant conversations with him like I can with all the other adults in my life! I feel like I'm in a realtionship with a child .  I always have to 'walk on eggshells' and make sure his feelings are validated and taken care of and listen to him whine and complain, but I'm not allowed to have a bad day or moment, or get mad, sad or upset. I also am not supposed to ever have my own opinion.  Most days I feel like an emotional hostage in my own home.

Is there any hope?

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Ghislaine
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« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2010, 09:56:42 AM »

When you mention his age I feel that big changes in outlook and attitude are difficult (not impossible) as we get older.  Many say BPD behaviors get worse with age.  I would keep working on your boundaries, and communications skills as laid out here in the workshops.  A person with a personality of easily feeling slighted, and generally being negative, isn't likely to get better without hard work with a therapist.  My BPDexh had some similar traits.  He is 60.  I felt that a lot of his behaviors were getting slowly worse over time.  The grudge problem is especially difficult and no amount of reasoning with them can change their minds.  Good luck to you.
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havana
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« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2010, 10:12:35 AM »

Hi makinmecrazy


Quote
Is there any hope?

At 65 years old I don't think you are going to get him to change. He is happy being miserable & he wants to drag everyone else in the gutter with him.


Welcome!
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Life is short. Shorter for some than others.
makinmecrazy
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« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2010, 10:41:09 AM »

Therapy is out of the question.  He does seem to be getting worse with age, and he is miserable- absolutely, and you're also right about the gutter. As far as grudges- he's the king and no amout of reasoning will ever get him to change his mind.  ?
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WalrusGumboot
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Two years out and getting better all the time!


« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2010, 10:44:54 AM »

I just want to be able to have normal adult back and forth pleasant conversations with him like I can with all the other adults in my life! I feel like I'm in a realtionship with a child . 

I'm sorry you go through this but it is very common when dealing with a BP. In my 22 years of marriage, I have never felt my uBPDw and I were on the same side of just about everything, especially when it comes to finances. While my thinking is what is best in the interest of the family, hers is what is in the best interest of her. It is like dealing with a child because young children are egocentric.

The no-win situation I find myself in is that dealing with it day in and day out shuts down our communication, then she gets angry that "we never talk anymore". The only safe conversation is about her life, and agreeing with her even if she is wrong, but I lose myself in the process.
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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
Pixie-Dust
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« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2010, 10:52:18 AM »

Wow, that sounds like my H bigtime! ? I've noticed mine getting worse over time too. Not fun. I think they need heavy duty help, professionally. Mine won't go get help, because he says I am the problem not him.. rolleyes. All I can say is it really sucks dealing with a grown man that acts like a school-yard bully and/or sulking pouting child. Try to depersonalize, detach, leave the room or house when he does these things. The childish behaviors are extremely annoying...I dealt with this crap this weekend w/ my H.    Blaming, sulking, mocking, putting me down etc. As soon as he would start, I'd leave to another room. In my experience, they aren't capable or interested in any grown up normal conversation. Everything is superficial with mine. He doesn't even seem to have his own opinions or a real personality for that matter.  I stopped confiding to my H, stopped saying my fears/worries, rarely say my opinions and if I do...I do not give a rats ___ what he thinks of it, I try not to depend on him anymore, etc. This has helped me deal in my situation.

I've basically given up hope on having a normal healthy happy relationship with him. That has given me more peace and freedom. I did go through a grieving period about this though, then anger, then acceptance. Sorry your having to deal with this crap in your life.     -Pixie

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Quote
As far as grudges- he's the king and no amout of reasoning will ever get him to change his mind. 

This is so familiar to me it's sick! Mine is miserable too and holds grudges over small things, accidents, and totally made up things. You cannot reason with them. They aren't interested in making things right for peace sake, at least mines not.

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Quote
The only safe conversation is about her life, and agreeing with her even if she is wrong, but I lose myself in the process.

That's so true. It's really sad.
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kyberjay
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« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2010, 12:34:02 PM »

6 months into the divorce- you'd think that at some point here we'd have some type of meaningful discussion about how to move forward- all I ever get from her are childish noises and faces in response... Can't wait until she has to answer some of these questions in court...and wonder if she will act the same way, completely lose it/go into brain lock, or try to give an appropriate response which will more than likely come out entirely disorganized and unrelated!  AGGREVATING!  PD traits
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Auspicious
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« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2010, 01:09:54 PM »

Therapy is out of the question. 

Meaning, you have asked him to undertake therapy and he has refused?


Is he diagnosed with BPD or another mental illness?
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Have you read the Lessons?

niknak


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« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2010, 02:58:08 PM »

I can relate, totally...my uBPDh can have a conversatin ( if he is in the right mood), but the same conversation can turn childish very quickley.  I think that he loses interest in the conversation quickly and gets bored if the topic does not interest him. ?
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kyberjay
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« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2010, 03:30:42 PM »

oh yeah? Well  ;p  !
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Study the thought patterns and inclinations of a BPD spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. Learn relationship building and learn communication skills and strategies for personal growth.

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