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Think About It... A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A..
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Author Topic: The BPD Stalker  (Read 4120 times)
Herestoyourhealth
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« on: August 30, 2010, 01:12:03 PM »

Most of my story is on my intro thread, but my current issue is that the BPD man I dated 4 months is now exhibiting stalking behaviors. 

Brief history recap:

On our first date, I told him that I was not in a place to start a significant relationship, that I was dating around but not sleeping around and if he was ok with that then we could get to know each other slowly.  He pretty much started calling daily, taking me out several evenings, and monopolozing my time so that I didn't have any room to accept another date.  (I take complete responsibility for allowing that.)  Anytime he asked if I was "still dating around", I said "Yes, I do still want to reserve the option of meeting other people, and so should you exercise the same option."  We never did sleep together, and I never did verbally or emotionally commit to any exclusive involvement.

When the rages started, and the jealousy, clinginess, dependency, Red Flag  I began to backpedal and attempted to slow things down even more than the slow-crawl I was wanting in the first place.  (My mistake again for allowing that to happen more than a time or two.)

Finally, he "broke up with me" 3 nights out of 5 nights (although the next day it was like nothing happened).  When he showed up with roses the next day, I told him we could not date anymore.  That's when he told me he should "get back on his meds".  Before the day I was "done" I did not know that he has a diagnosed PD/psychiatric history.  My empathy triggered (because of uBPDmom) and I offered to just be friends (another bad decision on my part).  I am trying to work on my boundaries...just obviously not doing a great job of it.   lol

Anyway, the last 30 days I have reinforced the "just friends" message which he refused to believe, and have escalated the point with more and more limited contact...taking fewer and fewer calls and saying "No" to his "friendly" offers to meet for lunch or happy hour.

Bottom line is that I am now afraid of him.  He will call excessively, leaving angrier and angrier messages or texts and he has started driving by my house to see if I am home.  Yesterday, there were no calls, and I'm wondering if he is plotting/planning some weird revenge.  I hope that he is just having some "sane" moments now and starting to give up.

That's the history.  My question is "What experiences have you had with stalking behavior when trying to end things?"  I'd also like any opinions on whether it is safer to try to taper off, or just cut the cord and go NC.  My main objective is to minimize the risk of any physical damage to my property or worse.  I know no one can give me the solution to my particular situation, but I sure could use the input of your experiences and outcomes.

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dilbert
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« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2010, 02:18:31 PM »

i havent been on the board in quite awhile..thought my problems went away. all i can say is go NC. im about 6 months removed and she called 15 times the other within an hour while describing to me what i was doing in my back yard. after i heard the messages later that night. dont wanna rain on your parade, but they never seem to go away. at least not in my case yet
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RealEyes
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« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2010, 11:44:24 PM »

I go into court tomorrow to get a RO on the Xbf after a very brief but passionate 3 month relationship thats become the most bizarre experience to the date for me as i become 51 on the 31st~ He's 42, very handsome man but kept breaking it off only to go after me when i decided to agree by going out with another more sane X just to get away from dealing with this last one. Its like he wants to destroy who i've become by harassing, objectifying, even i think blackmail me today in a text after he said he wont come to court again after filling a perjured RO on me that he didn't show up for on the 17th? Its like he's saying,, 'if i cant have you no one will after i destroy your spirit you wont allow me to drain out of you the way i loved doing before'? Not sure whats going on in his mind right now but it aint Kosher. If i didn't still care for him i'd be even more scared out of my wits as to whats his next move after he hopefully gets served soon~ He began to rage at me in text this morning after i finally told him what he did to cause all of this drama that has us now in court. He tried to get me the way he wanted before the 31st, back n bed again but i made it clear that cant happen anymore even thou i wanted to again but not after all of this i just wouldn't feel safe around him. He's not afraid of The Law but at the same time i'm not afraid of The Truth!

i'd hope maybe oneday we'd be friends again but he made it even less likely after what went down this morning while he text raged me i think while intoxicated after bartending of all things. I think he wants me to become his personal Laptop, not a girlfriend but some OBJECT he can turn on and off at his will!

I began to document what he was doing, then if i felt it as a threat or harassment, i'd take it to The Police Dept Sub and report it as harassment. If it gets worse then seek a TPO on him.

thanks for the topic, Sis!
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Herestoyourhealth
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2010, 11:58:49 AM »

... 6 months removed and she called 15 times the other within an hour while describing to me what i was doing in my back yard. after i heard the messages later that night. dont wanna rain on your parade, but they never seem to go away. at least not in my case yet


Wow, Dilbert!  That's disheartening and scary.  I'm sorry for your situation too.  Has yours found a new bf?  I'm thinking that when this guy finds a new "love target" he'll leave me alone.

----------

Hi RealEyes,

Happy Birthday!  (My Sis is 53 today.)  Sorry you're having to spend your day getting an RO.  I hope my situation won't come to that.

Not sure whats going on in his mind right now but it aint Kosher.


I know.  That is terrifying.  Mine hasn't called the last two days  (longest NC ever) and I'm trying to think positive, as in he met someone new or is having some "rational" thoughts.  Unfortunately my mind keeps wondering if he's just plotting something bad.


i'd hope maybe oneday we'd be friends again but he made it even less likely after what went down this morning while he text raged me i think while intoxicated after bartending of all things.

I began to document what he was doing, then if i felt it as a threat or harassment, i'd take it to The Police Dept Sub and report it as harassment. If it gets worse then seek a TPO on him.


Our last verbal agreement was "just friends", but the conversations since end up twisted to "I know you love me and just won't admit it."  Even friendship is out of the question.  None of my friends repeatedly drive by my house or call multiple times to leave intimidating messages.  Sure I can remember that he can display some great qualities, but the bad behavior more than wipes all that off the map.  No one should live in fear of their "friend".

Mine took a second job in my neighborhood bar while we were dating.  Now I have to stay away from my own hangout.  He has alcohol and substance abuse issues which makes the whole situation even less predictable.  I'm not sure the extent of the illegal drugs...it was only one day that he was "jonesing" for his friend to give him some Xanax.  I questioned him about what that is, what it does, why he's taking it, and that I disapproved.  He never brought it up again...but obviously he has no problem taking heavy-duty pharmaceuticals.  Now he also has Abilify and Seroquel prescriptions and drinks heavily.   cry

I am starting to keep messages from him and my neighbors witnessed him doing the drive-throughs over the weekend.  This is just a nightmare.

Sigh.  Thank you both for your input.
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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
JoannaK
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« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2010, 12:07:26 PM »

Just hope that he is stopping the stalking behaviors and/or is interested in someone new.

It's good to document his calls and drive-by's should it be necessary to get an r.o. against him.

You talk about "tapering off"...  How much contact have you had with him over the past two weeks?  Do you reply to his overtures?
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Herestoyourhealth
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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2010, 01:32:38 PM »


You talk about "tapering off"...  How much contact have you had with him over the past two weeks?  Do you reply to his overtures?

Hi Joanna,

I had documented pretty much all our contact in my "Intro" message, but I just jotted down the "short list" on paper.  That actually helped me see the chronology more clearly.  In response to his overtures, as in "I know you miss me, love me, still care, etc.", I have shaken my head no and said, "No.  We need to just work on a friendship.  That's all."  The reason I gave him for breaking up with him 7/29 was that I cannot deal with his mood swings.  I have reminded him of the reason several times.


The "short-list":

7/29  I told him I cannot date him anymore, but offered to be friends.

7/30-8/18  I continued to return his calls, and would sit and talk with him at the neighborhood pub.  During this time, it became clear that seeing me deluded him into thinking that I was not serious about the break-up. 

8/19 I put the "taper off" boundary in place, starting with no more than one returned phone call per day.

8/20  Eesh...I agreed to lunch (obviously poor boundary control).  He actually seemed ok that day about the "just friends" until he started to walk me out and said "I know you miss me."  I shook my head no, and walked away from him.

8/21 I returned one call in AM saying I would not be going out that night.  PM - I was helping my new neighbor install some laminate floring.  He showed up unannounced.  He sat and sulked on the patio while we worked inside, and left without saying goddbye.

8/22-8/23  NC - both of us.

8/24  He was supposed to be off work, so I went to happy hour.  He walked in (surprise).  We had a couple of beers.  When he pressured me about dating again, I shook my head, said "I gotta' go." and walked out.

8/25  I returned one phone call.

8/26 I did not return any calls.  He left 3 messages early in the day.  I passed him driving in my neighborhood.  He stopped at my car, rolled down his window, glared at me with the most angry look on his face, then drove on.  Not one word.  (I think that's when I started to get really scared.)  He was driving in the direction of my house at the time.  (Bar employees report that he started drinking early that day.)  He left 3 more messages that PM.  I did not return any calls.

8/27 NC.  He left 3 messages including one "I don't know why you aren't returning my calls.  I know you're home...your car is in the driveway."  That evening, he left 8 text messages on my cell phone.

8/28  He left a message inviting me to happy hour.  I returned call and declined.  Neighbors and I saw him drive pass my house three times later that night.

8/29-8/30  NC - no messages.  It's almost too quiet.

Sorry if that is too much detail.  Actually putting it in one list is helpful to me.  If he does any more stalking behavior, it is clear that I will have to go NC.  There's a conversation I don't want to have...telling him not to contact/drive through anymore.
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still around
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2010, 02:15:57 PM »

Herestoyourhealth,

I just want to offer you moral support, having been through the stalking situation a couple of times in my life, once many years ago with an ex-H and then over many years' time with my father(?).  I handled both situations as best I could at the time:  the ex came to my apartment with a gun and demanded sex.  He got it.  My situation with him ended when he moved out of state, and since he defaulted on his child support, any further contact was handled via an attorney. (I was too terrified to do anything about the gun visit, didn't call the cops, just kind of "froze" and hoped for the best.)

I've posted elsewhere about being stalked for years by my mother's husband.  I never got away from him until he died.  Don't you be like me!  I have so much empathy for you, but cannot give you the excellent advice that these other forum members can, as I managed to live through the situation with my father (mother's hit man, actually  cool ) but never really succeeded in getting clear of him.

You're going to succeed!  Men like this guy you're dealing with, simply toy with women in order to fulfill their own sick destinies.  You can't allow yourself to get sucked in any further than you already have been.

 x

    s a




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God doesn't see me as my parents' child, He sees me as HIS child.
Herestoyourhealth
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« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2010, 03:12:17 PM »

still around,

My heart is heavy reading your story.  What you have been through is infinitely worse than what I am currently experiencing.  I am so sorry.   x

I am remaining as optimistic as possible that this man will go away and stop stalking as soon as he meets the next woman.  He acted so obsessed with me during our four months dating, that I doubt he had time to stalk any of his ex's.  Next time he "falls in love at first sight" with the new one, I think he'll completely forget about me.  Lack of object constancy.  I hope so anyway.

Thank you for the moral support and empathy.  That is a two-way street...I feel for you too.  Hugs!   x
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RealEyes
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« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2010, 04:42:23 PM »

----------

Hi RealEyes,

Happy Birthday!  (My Sis is 53 today.)  Sorry you're having to spend your day getting an RO.  I hope my situation won't come to that.



My RO has been granted, i'm off to the gym and later for a lil fun on my Bday till the end of it tonight! Had a nice 4 days off for it, last year an entire month off camping and what not, those great memories are still with me today a year later assisting me onward into my now 50s rather than the memories of the past 3 months with the X,, yes! We did have fun, i will keep those fun memories forever until his vicious cycle became so apparently destructive for me.

Thanks for the happy b-day and tell your Sis this Virgo said the same!
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Herestoyourhealth
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« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2010, 07:46:21 PM »

Well I knew that was too good to last (two days without any messages).  Got a phone message from him today that two of my friends are up at happy hour.  He is there working, so I'm not going.  He knows I usually go on Tuesday and that I would like to see these friends.   cry  Anyway his voice sounded "normal and friendly", but I'm not returning the call.

----------------
RealEyes,

Congrats on the RO!  Now that the work is over, I hope you are enjoying the fun part of your B-day!  smiley
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