How do ppl know they have BPD if they were never diagnose?

[Think About It...]

My situtation is that my past boyfriend is that his exgirlfriend had BPD. Now he feels that he has it,or he is a "flea". He was never diagnose by a doctor,he just thinks he has it because he has read about it.Everytime we are together its great,when we are not together he has every bit of a negative thought about us. He thinks what I want with him,how I will hurt him,he finally opened up to tell me what happened.

They were together for about 9 months, and during those 9 months she broke it off with him at least 9 times. During the relationship she would be naming their kids, and the next day flip out and hide for a week or so. Also he was the other man and did not know about it since she was trying to presuade him into buying a ring. Fast foward to 8 months later and he met me. We fell head over heels for each other and once 3 months hit,he freaked out! He freaked out because I am everything he wants(and vice versa),I am the woman of his dreams. He feels like I am not real because all the nice little things I would do,SHE did as well,so he is comparing us.

I asked him one day how he felt and this is his exact email,
How I feel is pretty messed up.  I’m not saying that to you to try to conceal anything; only to spare you the time of reading nonsense.  Because that’s exactly what it is.  Nonsense.  But it’s authentic nonsense, to the degree that I actually feel it. I wouldn’t have realized it if I hadn’t been in a position where a commitment was a real possibility/probability.  And that unfortunately freaked me out.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in a relationship, and not in a good way.  It’s an overwhelming, suffocating terror.  It’s not that you did anything that you shouldn’t have,you did everything right and that freaked me out even more because of the exgirlfriend.  It’s completely irrational and nothing you can do will change that.The old me probably would have been very compatible with you, and I’m sorry, but I’m not him anymore.I can’t guarantee you anything involving my heart (if I even have one).I’m pretty sure I will die alone."I want to help him not as just a lover but as a friend. He hates the fact that I am very optimistic about life,let alone about him. I dont know what else to do to help him out.I know he has to want to get help when it comes down to it.He says all the time I will go talk to someone,but he works 50+hours a week,and runs alot. We all know that is to hide and try to literally run away from your problems but it wont help.Is there away to "subcouciously" help him?


So is my best bet is let him be and take care of himself?

It is hard being a woman to do that especially for someone you love. When we were 1st together he was so happy with me,and vice versa.Then the past few weeks he feels as if he doesn't deserve me,that he can never love let alone ever open up to anyone anytime soon,let alone ever.

As hard as it is for him he I am as optimistic as our 1st date of me knowing he is the man I am going to marry.
 We had an "open up" one night and I revealed that and he revealed that I am intimidating to him because he has dreamt of a woman like me and compared me to his exgf that had BPD so in the back of his head he thinks,is she the same? everythign was great the for 3months,he freaked and now we have been communicating on and off for 2 months.

[woman81]

My situtation is that my past boyfriend is that his exgirlfriend had BPD. Now he feels that he has it,or he is a "flea". He was never diagnose by a doctor,he just thinks he has it because he has read about it.Everytime we are together its great,when we are not together he has every bit of a negative thought about us. He thinks what I want with him,how I will hurt him,he finally opened up to tell me what happened.

They were together for about 9 months, and during those 9 months she broke it off with him at least 9 times. During the relationship she would be naming their kids, and the next day flip out and hide for a week or so. Also he was the other man and did not know about it since she was trying to presuade him into buying a ring. Fast foward to 8 months later and he met me. We fell head over heels for each other and once 3 months hit,he freaked out! He freaked out because I am everything he wants(and vice versa),I am the woman of his dreams. He feels like I am not real because all the nice little things I would do,SHE did as well,so he is comparing us.

I asked him one day how he felt and this is his exact email,
How I feel is pretty messed up.  I’m not saying that to you to try to conceal anything; only to spare you the time of reading nonsense.  Because that’s exactly what it is.  Nonsense.  But it’s authentic nonsense, to the degree that I actually feel it. I wouldn’t have realized it if I hadn’t been in a position where a commitment was a real possibility/probability.  And that unfortunately freaked me out.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in a relationship, and not in a good way.  It’s an overwhelming, suffocating terror.  It’s not that you did anything that you shouldn’t have,you did everything right and that freaked me out even more because of the exgirlfriend.  It’s completely irrational and nothing you can do will change that.The old me probably would have been very compatible with you, and I’m sorry, but I’m not him anymore.I can’t guarantee you anything involving my heart (if I even have one).I’m pretty sure I will die alone."I want to help him not as just a lover but as a friend. He hates the fact that I am very optimistic about life,let alone about him. I dont know what else to do to help him out.I know he has to want to get help when it comes down to it.He says all the time I will go talk to someone,but he works 50+hours a week,and runs alot. We all know that is to hide and try to literally run away from your problems but it wont help.Is there away to "subcouciously" help him?


So is my best bet is let him be and take care of himself?

It is hard being a woman to do that especially for someone you love. When we were 1st together he was so happy with me,and vice versa.Then the past few weeks he feels as if he doesn't deserve me,that he can never love let alone ever open up to anyone anytime soon,let alone ever.

As hard as it is for him he I am as optimistic as our 1st date of me knowing he is the man I am going to marry.
 We had an "open up" one night and I revealed that and he revealed that I am intimidating to him because he has dreamt of a woman like me and compared me to his exgf that had BPD so in the back of his head he thinks,is she the same? everythign was great the for 3months,he freaked and now we have been communicating on and off for 2 months.

[goldenblunder]

Well, he might be messed up from that past relationship a bit, but he needs to get over it.  People with BPD are profoundly disturbed and you don't catch it.  Furthermore, everybody can find a little personality disorder in themselves.

One thing is clear:  If he can't put this bad past relationship behind him, it isn't going to work with you.  I would tell him this.

[woman81]

 Well we talked today over emails since he is a full blow work-a-holic and he knew I was on this site and I did mention what you(goldenblunder) told me to and this was his response...

"If you’re using it with the intent of finding a way for you and I to work out romantically, it won’t work
I just don’t want you wasting time, energy or emotion. I don’t think I have full on BPD; that’s why I used the term “flea”.  I like to think I have the capacity for nuanced thinking (but then again, someone with BPD would say the same thing). 
 I don’t believe things happen for a reason.  Life is about chance, and that produces things both good and bad.  We just do the best we can with what we’re given and what we encounter, and that’s the most we can do.Be it fleas or the full blown article, it’s for the best to stay away.  You’re trying to understand craziness, which will only make sense to someone who is nuts.“Never” is a strong word, and I’m not intellectually certain I’ll stay away from dating forever, even if I emotionally feel that way (but aren’t drastic swings of emotion, in and of themselves, signs of BPD fleas?). 


So honestly I really dont know how to take it or know what else to do.
 

[seeking balance]

Hi Woman 81 - Welcome
I am a bit confused by what he wrote; but one thing is quite clear - when someone tells you that you are wasting your time, you should probably believe them.  I remember reading this statement a here at one point and it has proven to be true thus far.
Let go and heal yourself.  In a way that you might not understand right now, he has given you about as good of an explanation as anyone w/BPD traits has ever given regarding why he cannot be in a relationship with you.

Take care of you now.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Blythe1976]

Hi Woman81,

Chances are, if this guy really was with a BPD gf, he now has post traumatic stress disorder, just like me, just like so many of us who end up being put through the emotional meat grinder of a r/s with a pwBPD. I can say for myself, that I'm REALLY jumpy right now. I don't even think George Clooney would have a chance with me right now, and I don't know if I'll ever get into another r/s again, I'm so scared that I might fall prey to another personality-disordered person.

You can't do or say anything to make him feel better or more secure or safer...he is TRAUMATIZED. He most likely needs therapy and anti-depressants and the whole works. But he doesn't sounds ready to be seriously involved with someone just now.

[woman81]

 We have talked today and he feels me being the way I am,a great person it trigged him to jump back and say,

I haven’t lied; you haven’t been listening.  You were the woman of the Old Me’s dreams.  Remember?  The Old Me who was a good person who was capable of love?  You are not the woman of the New Me’s dreams, because the New Me just wants to be alone. Plus I said that to you BEFORE I emotionally opened up. I freaked out when we emotionally connected."

So I agree,he wants to be alone,I will give that to him.

Besides being physically involved with someone I really dont see the difference of being friends and in a realationship? Because if you think about it you are more vulnerable and open.

 

[confuseddotcom]

We have talked today and he feels me being the way I am,a great person it trigged him to jump back and say,

I haven’t lied; you haven’t been listening.  You were the woman of the Old Me’s dreams.  Remember?  The Old Me who was a good person who was capable of love?  You are not the woman of the New Me’s dreams, because the New Me just wants to be alone. Plus I said that to you BEFORE I emotionally opened up. I freaked out when we emotionally connected."

So I agree,he wants to be alone,I will give that to him.

Besides being physically involved with someone I really dont see the difference of being friends and in a realationship? Because if you think about it you are more vulnerable and open.

 

Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I see a part of myself in your story. I don't know if my ex has BPD (I cam here as I posted my whole story on another forum and someone suggested she has strong BPD traits) but sometime I wonder if, after her last abusive relationship, she has 'fleas'.

What I do know is that we couldn't keep going with the constant push/pull. It was just too emotionally draining. One week I was her sunshine, two weeks later, she's just not feeling it. One day, she tells me her walls are coming down, a few days later, she tells me they're back up, along with a few new ones. We were only together for approx a year but it felt like enough drama to last 10 years. I reckon in that year we broke up/made up about 6 or 7 times!

As for your last statement, I couldn't agree more. When we split, she wanted to still be best friends but nothing physical. I asked her if she wasn't physically attracted to me but she assured me she was. I can't figure out how you could be just friends with someone you are attracted to (physically and mentally) and not try and make a go of it. It just boggles my mind! Also, in the few months we tried being friends, she would try to flirt with me! Errr, I don't think. I'll save my finely-honed flirting skills for someone who deserves them!

i think you are doing the right thing. As hard as it is, leave him be. It hurts like hell but in the long run it will be best for you.

[woman81]

 The other day he made the choice to tell me the "friends"thing isnt going to work because of me still trying to help.Which is fine...I feel horriable since he is a great guy and wants to settle down and have the wife and kids,but how do you do that if you wont trust? Its a chance you take with anyone.
Its sad because he has everything going for him in life with career family friends and absolutely drop dead gorgeous handsome man ,yet he cant get this one thing down pat,trust so he can love.

[ravill]

I'm sorry for this pain woman81.

But like others say, leave him be. Be grateful that this will be the only pain you will feel.

We can love, with all the love, kindness, open hearted goodness we can to someone we care about. And if they can't, won't or don't accept that, what can we do?

Lick our chops, take our hurt and carry on.

You will be fine.

Peace and love to you.